Letters
- Thread starter amelia
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amelia
a boombox is not a toy.
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2002
- Posts
- 8,766
Dear Kitty:
It is increasingly difficult to sleep with you on my tummy. Your weight has really gotten out of control. At this time, i suggest you think about getting more exercise or finding another place to sleep. Also, FYI, it is not pleasant to be woken up at 3am to find a kitty eating your hair.
sincerely,
your mistress?
Amelia
It is increasingly difficult to sleep with you on my tummy. Your weight has really gotten out of control. At this time, i suggest you think about getting more exercise or finding another place to sleep. Also, FYI, it is not pleasant to be woken up at 3am to find a kitty eating your hair.
sincerely,
your mistress?
Amelia
modest mouse
Meating People is Easy
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2001
- Posts
- 8,363
Dear Susan Sarandon,
This may come as quite a chock but as a fan I thought you had the right to know. Your significant other, Tim Robbins, has been fucking my neighbor on various weekends. This has gone on for nearly two years.
It is my assumption that he is cavorting around behind your back. Showing disrespect towards a beautiful creature.
It is my duty to volunteer my time and energy to assist you in evening the score. For the mere price of a plane ticket to California I can provides such services. I intend to avail myself to you for as much revenge sex as you feel is necessary.
Your humble servant,
mouse
This may come as quite a chock but as a fan I thought you had the right to know. Your significant other, Tim Robbins, has been fucking my neighbor on various weekends. This has gone on for nearly two years.
It is my assumption that he is cavorting around behind your back. Showing disrespect towards a beautiful creature.
It is my duty to volunteer my time and energy to assist you in evening the score. For the mere price of a plane ticket to California I can provides such services. I intend to avail myself to you for as much revenge sex as you feel is necessary.
Your humble servant,
mouse
amelia
a boombox is not a toy.
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2002
- Posts
- 8,766
Dear Mr. Mouse:
Ms. Sarandon was well aware of Mr. Robbins side activities. They have been using me as a pawn in their twisted game for quite sometime. I appreciate your offer to relieve me of my duties where it concerns Ms. Sarandon (or Evil Temptress as she likes to be called).
Thank you very much. Ms. Sarandon is an animal, beware.
Sincerely and with hopes of getting a full nights sleep,
Amelia
Ms. Sarandon was well aware of Mr. Robbins side activities. They have been using me as a pawn in their twisted game for quite sometime. I appreciate your offer to relieve me of my duties where it concerns Ms. Sarandon (or Evil Temptress as she likes to be called).
Thank you very much. Ms. Sarandon is an animal, beware.
Sincerely and with hopes of getting a full nights sleep,
Amelia
modest mouse
Meating People is Easy
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2001
- Posts
- 8,363
Dear Amelia,
While I appreciate the heads up its most disconcerting that you would take it upon yourself to intercept my letter. One must never overstep their reach.
I've taken it upon myself to contact the children of Ms. Sarandon and Mr. Robbins in order to provide full disclosure as tot he goings-on.
I'll have you know that the children themselves have contacted Child Services with allegations of misconduct on your part regarding inappropriate touching and lewd bedtime stories. All of this disgusting behaviour on your part taking place while orgies were being enjoyed two floors below.
Of course their allegations against you, their occasional nanny and my neighbor, are false... but remember these children have two actors for parents and shall prove quite convincing.
The children have agreed to let me have my way with Ms. Sarandon once you are removed. During the shock of scandal I shall have approximately one week in which to get my jollies.
I tell you this as a courtesy and to ask you if you have a cup of sugar i could borrow.
Your fellow American,
mouse
While I appreciate the heads up its most disconcerting that you would take it upon yourself to intercept my letter. One must never overstep their reach.
I've taken it upon myself to contact the children of Ms. Sarandon and Mr. Robbins in order to provide full disclosure as tot he goings-on.
I'll have you know that the children themselves have contacted Child Services with allegations of misconduct on your part regarding inappropriate touching and lewd bedtime stories. All of this disgusting behaviour on your part taking place while orgies were being enjoyed two floors below.
Of course their allegations against you, their occasional nanny and my neighbor, are false... but remember these children have two actors for parents and shall prove quite convincing.
The children have agreed to let me have my way with Ms. Sarandon once you are removed. During the shock of scandal I shall have approximately one week in which to get my jollies.
I tell you this as a courtesy and to ask you if you have a cup of sugar i could borrow.
Your fellow American,
mouse
amelia
a boombox is not a toy.
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2002
- Posts
- 8,766
Dear Mouse:
I would like to offer my apologies for intercepting your letter to Ms. Sarandon, but it is part of my household "duties".
I also need to inform you that you have been fooled. The children of Ms. Sarandon and Mr. Robbins are deeply in love with me and would not desire my removal from the house. This is a little joke they pull on all people who try to disrupt our happy home.
As for the sugar, yes, i do have some you can borrow. Just remember the sugar borrowing rules (i can't wait to see THAT again)
Better luck next time,
Amelia
ps: Ms. Sarandon is still amicable to your week of jolly getting, if you are still interested. Just let me know when you cum for the sugar.
I would like to offer my apologies for intercepting your letter to Ms. Sarandon, but it is part of my household "duties".
I also need to inform you that you have been fooled. The children of Ms. Sarandon and Mr. Robbins are deeply in love with me and would not desire my removal from the house. This is a little joke they pull on all people who try to disrupt our happy home.
As for the sugar, yes, i do have some you can borrow. Just remember the sugar borrowing rules (i can't wait to see THAT again)
Better luck next time,
Amelia
ps: Ms. Sarandon is still amicable to your week of jolly getting, if you are still interested. Just let me know when you cum for the sugar.
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Dear Mr. XXXXXXXXX
I received your phone call today relieving me of my duties as your attorney. The tip off for me was when you said “look you no-good fucking fuck of an attorney asshole, I am going to kick his fucking ass and your fucking ass and I am calling fucking Robert Shapiro to straighten your fucking ass out. He will call you in the fucking morning.” When you said “you are not even my fucking lawyer any more you fuck” I assumed that you wanted me off of your case. Contrarily, however you did state “just get my goddamn money from that fucking bastard you asshole,” but I took this more as you letting off a little steam than you changing your mind as to our attorney-client relationship.
As the whole of our conversation was one in which it appeared you wished to relieve me of my duties, I am enclosing your file. Thank you for allowing me to represent you, and if you have any questions, or if I have misinterpreted any of your colloquial speech, please do not hesitate to call.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
I received your phone call today relieving me of my duties as your attorney. The tip off for me was when you said “look you no-good fucking fuck of an attorney asshole, I am going to kick his fucking ass and your fucking ass and I am calling fucking Robert Shapiro to straighten your fucking ass out. He will call you in the fucking morning.” When you said “you are not even my fucking lawyer any more you fuck” I assumed that you wanted me off of your case. Contrarily, however you did state “just get my goddamn money from that fucking bastard you asshole,” but I took this more as you letting off a little steam than you changing your mind as to our attorney-client relationship.
As the whole of our conversation was one in which it appeared you wished to relieve me of my duties, I am enclosing your file. Thank you for allowing me to represent you, and if you have any questions, or if I have misinterpreted any of your colloquial speech, please do not hesitate to call.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX
teddybear4play
better when i'm drunk
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2002
- Posts
- 12,906
Dear Every Other Driver On The Road:
You are all fucking idiots. If there were snow or ice on the ground, then I could potentially understand non-model driving, but it hasn't snowed here in more than a week. Just because it's December does not give you license to be dumbasses.
Especially those of you near the mall. First, it's December 16, and second, the thing is open until 11 p.m.. You have no cause to be driving like it's 10:59 on Christmas Eve. I just went to Sears to pay off my Discover Card bill and I was nearly killed on three separate occasions.
Please cease and desist such moronic behavior, or I'll show you what road rage is all about. I'll take that cell phone and cram it straight up your exhaust pipe. "Can you hear me NOW?! Good!"
Angrily yours,
TB4p
You are all fucking idiots. If there were snow or ice on the ground, then I could potentially understand non-model driving, but it hasn't snowed here in more than a week. Just because it's December does not give you license to be dumbasses.
Especially those of you near the mall. First, it's December 16, and second, the thing is open until 11 p.m.. You have no cause to be driving like it's 10:59 on Christmas Eve. I just went to Sears to pay off my Discover Card bill and I was nearly killed on three separate occasions.
Please cease and desist such moronic behavior, or I'll show you what road rage is all about. I'll take that cell phone and cram it straight up your exhaust pipe. "Can you hear me NOW?! Good!"
Angrily yours,
TB4p
Nora
Dirty Pomegranate
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 26,111
Dear Scarecrow,
You bastard! You left your damned straw all over the sheets and now the Tinman *knows* something's up! Just see if I ever let you into my bed again, you overstuffed buffoon! And furthermore, while you were asking the Wizard for some brains (which he shortchanged you on) you should have asked him for a dick, too!
You come near me again and I'm gonna flick my bic all over your sorry ass!
With truly incendiary wishes,
Dorothy
PS. If you EVER touch my dog again I'm gonna drop a house on you. Sick bastard.
You bastard! You left your damned straw all over the sheets and now the Tinman *knows* something's up! Just see if I ever let you into my bed again, you overstuffed buffoon! And furthermore, while you were asking the Wizard for some brains (which he shortchanged you on) you should have asked him for a dick, too!
You come near me again and I'm gonna flick my bic all over your sorry ass!
With truly incendiary wishes,
Dorothy
PS. If you EVER touch my dog again I'm gonna drop a house on you. Sick bastard.
amelia
a boombox is not a toy.
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2002
- Posts
- 8,766
Dear Strange Guy on the Corner:
No, i do not find it flattering that you watched me sing Dolly Parton's classic song "Hard Candy Christmas" and then clapped when i got out of my car. I was not putting on a show for you. i was expressing my love for Dolly.
In the future, please make your presence known so i can mumble the song under my breath.
American Idol Wannabe,
Amelia
No, i do not find it flattering that you watched me sing Dolly Parton's classic song "Hard Candy Christmas" and then clapped when i got out of my car. I was not putting on a show for you. i was expressing my love for Dolly.
In the future, please make your presence known so i can mumble the song under my breath.
American Idol Wannabe,
Amelia
SXCRgirl
Tickled Pink
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2002
- Posts
- 1,019
teddybear4play said:
Dear Mr TB4p,
I thoroughly enjoyed your letter to every other driver on the road. It made me laugh out loud and appreciate the fact that I am at home, reading your letter, instead of getting annoyed at the malls during this time of year.
Happy holidays,
SXCR
Lust Engine
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2002
- Posts
- 18,009
SXCRgirl said:
Malls! BAH Humbug! I agree that going to the mall is absolute mayhem this time of year. I've been doing much more online shopping & letting the UPS folks do all the dirty work. Getting the presents delivered here prior to handing them out for Christmas is almost as much fun as getting them for yourself! Besides SXCR, I agree totally with you about being home! It's so much nicer!
Eumenides
I Am Little Spoon
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2002
- Posts
- 24,371
Dear Licious,
Your infrequency in attendance lately has had me up in arms. While I understnad your scholastic goals, I am far more disappointed that I am not further up on your priority list. But, now that you are done with your studying and testing, it is demanded that you come out to play and play hard. Take no prisoners!
Yours,
Emoodies
P.S. Will you do it on a boat?
Your infrequency in attendance lately has had me up in arms. While I understnad your scholastic goals, I am far more disappointed that I am not further up on your priority list. But, now that you are done with your studying and testing, it is demanded that you come out to play and play hard. Take no prisoners!
Yours,
Emoodies
P.S. Will you do it on a boat?
SXCRgirl
Tickled Pink
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2002
- Posts
- 1,019
Lust Engine said:Malls! BAH Humbug! I agree that going to the mall is absolute mayhem this time of year. I've been doing much more online shopping & letting the UPS folks do all the dirty work. Getting the presents delivered here prior to handing them out for Christmas is almost as much fun as getting them for yourself! Besides SXCR, I agree totally with you about being home! It's so much nicer!
It is LE.
It was raining hard here today and I was out running errands. I was soaked from head to toe. I rushed home and jumped into a hot shower. Mmmmmm, I'm feeling good now. I did get a glimpse of the mall parking lot as I made my way home. Boy, I sure am glad that I wasn't going THERE!
I do like shopping, but not when it's crazy!
calypso_21
Bound and willing
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2002
- Posts
- 12,212
Eumenides said:
Don't let it out but...yes!
amelia
a boombox is not a toy.
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2002
- Posts
- 8,766
Dear Spinaroonie:
Now that we are both on Winter Break, i can not wait to continue our torrid forbidden love affair. I have just the thing to rekindle our eternal passion.
When you come over, please bring the canned air (oh yes, we're going to do THAT again!)
Waiting on Pins and Needles (as you requested),
Amelia
Now that we are both on Winter Break, i can not wait to continue our torrid forbidden love affair. I have just the thing to rekindle our eternal passion.
When you come over, please bring the canned air (oh yes, we're going to do THAT again!)
Waiting on Pins and Needles (as you requested),
Amelia
Eumenides
I Am Little Spoon
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2002
- Posts
- 24,371
Dear Nora,
How are you? We never get to talk anymore. I never hear stories about vegetarian masturbation anymore, neither do I hear those enticing piggy stories I so love. I feel as though we've grown further apart in the last two minutes. It makes my heart sad, and I have a lump in my throat. Personally, I think it's your recent canning activities that have nothing to do with food. Please let me know if I am wrong in my accusations. I will take my punishment willingly.
Yours Sadly,
LostinEU
How are you? We never get to talk anymore. I never hear stories about vegetarian masturbation anymore, neither do I hear those enticing piggy stories I so love. I feel as though we've grown further apart in the last two minutes. It makes my heart sad, and I have a lump in my throat. Personally, I think it's your recent canning activities that have nothing to do with food. Please let me know if I am wrong in my accusations. I will take my punishment willingly.
Yours Sadly,
LostinEU
perks
sarcasduck ruffleslut
- Joined
- May 20, 2001
- Posts
- 40,901
Dear Bedilia,
I know that is Kate Blanchette<right?> in your avatar, and that she is blonde. However, in that light and that angle, she looks so much like lilminx, it is uncanny.
how art thou?
perks
Ps. Ume tried to get me to suck her nipples by losing at scrabble again.
I know that is Kate Blanchette<right?> in your avatar, and that she is blonde. However, in that light and that angle, she looks so much like lilminx, it is uncanny.
how art thou?
perks
Ps. Ume tried to get me to suck her nipples by losing at scrabble again.
Nora
Dirty Pomegranate
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 26,111
Dear Agents of XXXX,
New rules for utilizing the Technical Support line will go into effect immediately. For your ease in understanding (as we know this is difficult for you to grasp) we have outlined the new rules below:
1. You are hereby forbidden to use the term "I'm really stupid about computers." Trust me, we already knew that.
2. If you forget our names while talking to us, please don't make one up. It's far more insulting than just asking us for our names again.
3. When you ask us to walk you through a process, please do not jump ahead because you think you know where we're going. You don't. If you did, you wouldn't have needed to call us, now would you?
4. Do not pretend that your harddrive isn't jam-packed full of porn and MP3's. We know it is. Ours are, too. You have nothing to hide and it's easier to help you if you're honest.
5. If you're calling for assistance in installing Lotus Notes, please actually have the Lotus Notes disk you were provided readily available. This seems rather obvious to us.
We here at the Technical Support Helpdesk are truly grateful to those of you who exhibit common sense when you call. Please know that your forthrightness and good humor will be rewarded by us at the Helpdesk with speedier, friendlier service than your doltish associates.
Regards,
Your Technical Support Helpdesk Team
New rules for utilizing the Technical Support line will go into effect immediately. For your ease in understanding (as we know this is difficult for you to grasp) we have outlined the new rules below:
1. You are hereby forbidden to use the term "I'm really stupid about computers." Trust me, we already knew that.
2. If you forget our names while talking to us, please don't make one up. It's far more insulting than just asking us for our names again.
3. When you ask us to walk you through a process, please do not jump ahead because you think you know where we're going. You don't. If you did, you wouldn't have needed to call us, now would you?
4. Do not pretend that your harddrive isn't jam-packed full of porn and MP3's. We know it is. Ours are, too. You have nothing to hide and it's easier to help you if you're honest.
5. If you're calling for assistance in installing Lotus Notes, please actually have the Lotus Notes disk you were provided readily available. This seems rather obvious to us.
We here at the Technical Support Helpdesk are truly grateful to those of you who exhibit common sense when you call. Please know that your forthrightness and good humor will be rewarded by us at the Helpdesk with speedier, friendlier service than your doltish associates.
Regards,
Your Technical Support Helpdesk Team
Nora
Dirty Pomegranate
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 26,111
Eumenides said:
Beloved Eumenides,
In the 30 seconds since we last spoke, so much has changed. I learned that you've been playing around behind my back with Perky. *sniffles* I'm crushed. I really thought you were as committed as you claimed to MY nipples! You CAD!
With everlasting regret and tingly, lonely nipples,
Nora.
Nora
Dirty Pomegranate
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 26,111
Dear Perky-Baby,
You banana sucking bitch! You stole my girlfriend! Oh, don't deny it! I know you've been scrabbling with her behind my back! And last night she came home REEKING of candy canes and bananas and there was a *shudders* DUCK FEATHER in her hair!
So Miss-High-And-Mighty-Home-Wrecking-Bitch, you can have her! And don't come crying to me when she burns your eggs or makes bad, bad jokes!
Bite me,
Nora.
You banana sucking bitch! You stole my girlfriend! Oh, don't deny it! I know you've been scrabbling with her behind my back! And last night she came home REEKING of candy canes and bananas and there was a *shudders* DUCK FEATHER in her hair!
So Miss-High-And-Mighty-Home-Wrecking-Bitch, you can have her! And don't come crying to me when she burns your eggs or makes bad, bad jokes!
Bite me,
Nora.
Eumenides
I Am Little Spoon
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2002
- Posts
- 24,371
Dearest Norita,
Your love is secure in my arms. Yes, I may suck on Perky's candy cane once in a while, or arrange a nipple lickage or two via hopeless losing at scrabble, but it is all for a feather in my cap, so to speak. You, however, are the best nipple licker receiver in da world, and I would not give you up for nothin'. I would even eat mushrooms for you.
With love and tinsel,
Eumenidespanties
Your love is secure in my arms. Yes, I may suck on Perky's candy cane once in a while, or arrange a nipple lickage or two via hopeless losing at scrabble, but it is all for a feather in my cap, so to speak. You, however, are the best nipple licker receiver in da world, and I would not give you up for nothin'. I would even eat mushrooms for you.
With love and tinsel,
Eumenidespanties
perks
sarcasduck ruffleslut
- Joined
- May 20, 2001
- Posts
- 40,901
Dear Borealis,
Your vitriole is unwarranted. Although I care for your beloved Ume, she is naught but a close friend. I tease her with my nipples and she placates me with stories of jello.
Alas, her heart is yours, and my heart belongs to the one called drip drop.
Please be advised, I can bite back. Don't make me steal your girl for the hell of it.
Sincerely,
ruffles.
PS. I hope that you let me suck on your skin a bit after the bite. It's what I do, and then I let my fingers...
hey look at the time.
Your vitriole is unwarranted. Although I care for your beloved Ume, she is naught but a close friend. I tease her with my nipples and she placates me with stories of jello.
Alas, her heart is yours, and my heart belongs to the one called drip drop.
Please be advised, I can bite back. Don't make me steal your girl for the hell of it.
Sincerely,
ruffles.
PS. I hope that you let me suck on your skin a bit after the bite. It's what I do, and then I let my fingers...
hey look at the time.
calypso_21
Bound and willing
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2002
- Posts
- 12,212
Nora said:
Dearest Sugamomma,
Truth be told She has been with me. We have been having extraMSN and yahoo affairs behind your back as you have full on neglected us for more that 25 seconds each. This being the holidays and all and the food you so lovingly create and us not being the recipients of such mouth watering delectables well, we have decided to go on a decorating spree.
We'll be back before midnight, Summery's time.
Please leave the plastic Santa and manger lit for us.
Caly
