Warning..pot stirrer.

Well, online sex is one issue. It’s perfect, but also boring.

If I’m describing how I’d touch you, you imagine the perfect touch. You can feel what your body desires, and you naturally imagine me meeting those desires. You won’t imagine me rubbing your clit a bit too hard, or not quite feeling the right place inside you. Or pulling your hair too hard. Or whatever.

In real life, if I licked your pussy in pretty much the same way for seven mornings in a row, I guess you’d still be pretty happy by day seven. But if I sent you more or less the same description of that seven mornings in a row, you’d be looking elsewhere by day four.

Otherwise - what everyone else has said. Matching expectations, being honest, not accidentally fucking with someone’s head.

Mei5ter said:

Well, online sex is one issue. It’s perfect, but also boring.

If I’m describing how I’d touch you, you imagine the perfect touch. You can feel what your body desires, and you naturally imagine me meeting those desires. You won’t imagine me rubbing your clit a bit too hard, or not quite feeling the right place inside you. Or pulling your hair too hard. Or whatever.

In real life, if I licked your pussy in pretty much the same way for seven mornings in a row, I guess you’d still be pretty happy by day seven. But if I sent you more or less the same description of that seven mornings in a row, you’d be looking elsewhere by day four.

Otherwise - what everyone else has said. Matching expectations, being honest, not accidentally fucking with someone’s head.

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Yep. When I find myself whipping out the thesaurus, that's when things get weird!

BadAmy said:

Badamy...causing trouble. Sorry.

But seriously...
How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

Say you are married...or not
Kids...or not...
Different timezones...or not...
Discuss.

PS...
I love you guys so much. All of you.

Please be kind to one another.
Or else I'll be pissed off.

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Patience and empathy have helped me to communicate with women from Sydney, Cape Town, Scotland, City of London and across the USA. A flexible schedule helps a lot of you use instant feedback sites. I prefer Skype, but there are others available. If your chat partner is married or involved with someone in real life, you'll have to be prepared to deal with sudden disappearances when that person walks into the room where your chat partner is. Good luck and feel free to drop me a pm if you have any questions.

ExiledWelshman said:

Patience. Understanding that in the real world people have real world shit to deal with that means they can't always be there.

And enjoying it.

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pretty much this.

and to realise that most will be, at most,friends with benefits.

I've spent years working with people in different continents, only ever communicating over instant messenger clients, emails, and work phone calls.
never meeting them, having nothing more than a photo to go on what they look like. Some I would now count as life long friends, so having purely online relationships in that way is pretty straighforward.

Making relationships here is different. You generally know that the other person is after one thing. IRL, relationships, be they sexual or not, don't start the same way.
I've never actually met someone from here, but i'm fairly happy with that. I can be very awkward and stumbley over words, even with close friends, let alone with strangers, and here I can portray a slightly better version of myself. And , being on another continent takes out the temptation to meet.

@badamy. Thanks for putting the question out there, its interesting seeing other peoples points on the subject. I've wondered about it myself on occasion.

Like lighterman I have worked with people for decades that I have never met via phone, post, email, skype, you name it. Occasionally we meet at a conference or something and we walk after San Francisco all night chatting. I have also been involved with an international online music group that started out in the late 80's as a bulletin board, I have argued, laughed and cried with these people. Many of us have met at least a few members, some of us have had relationships/married with others, and some of us are best friends. MY two best friends that I would turn to in a crisis are from that group. We used to have a formal crash pad directory, but now it's a loose one. I have used it with no problems.

I recently went to a destination wedding where a good half of the attendees had never met the bride or groom in the flesh until that day, they had only met through a food group on facebook. I had first met the groom online years ago, then later in rl over time I spent time with both the bride and groom separately, also several of the wedding party. The wedding was a blast! Everyone got along. I have joined the food group.

Strictly online relationships are great if that is what you both agreed on.
I have one, a sexual one, here from lit for more than a decade. We still want each other.
We have had some time off through the years, had some issues, but the last few years have been pretty smooth. I think it helps that we knew each other before we were heavily involved with other people, and we were friends.
We also know a lot about each other, who we are, where we live, that we are real, and that may make a difference. Occasionally I think I would like to touch him or smell him.
Maybe someday, if we are in the same place we can have a tea and a hug, but I am not really looking to hook up with him in RL at this point. We both have our lives. I am happy with how things are now, I wish we had more time, but we don't at this point.

Mei5ter said:

Well, online sex is one issue. It’s perfect, but also boring.

If I’m describing how I’d touch you, you imagine the perfect touch. You can feel what your body desires, and you naturally imagine me meeting those desires. You won’t imagine me rubbing your clit a bit too hard, or not quite feeling the right place inside you. Or pulling your hair too hard. Or whatever.

In real life, if I licked your pussy in pretty much the same way for seven mornings in a row, I guess you’d still be pretty happy by day seven. But if I sent you more or less the same description of that seven mornings in a row, you’d be looking elsewhere by day four.

Otherwise - what everyone else has said. Matching expectations, being honest, not accidentally fucking with someone’s head.

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Oh and by the way, I would probably get bored too, if the above happened, but it doesn't. I would get bored in real life if that happened too. Sounds like bad sex, regardless of medium.

Because the whole point is yr never likely to meet irl ? You can bitch abt the people surrounding you ... and their side of the story will never be heard. You are the other person's escape as they ignore the people in the room with them. It's chudding reality.

Plus if it gets frisky, it's just mutual masturbation. And everyone touches themselves better than anyone else can.

KayBlank said:

Because the whole point is yr never likely to meet irl ? You can bitch abt the people surrounding you ... and their side of the story will never be heard. You are the other person's escape as they ignore the people in the room with them. It's chudding reality.

Plus if it gets frisky, it's just mutual masturbation. And everyone touches themselves better than anyone else can.

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There are a lot of assumptions there, that I have found not to be true.

Also, some people don't need to touch.

BadAmy said:

How do you reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship?

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Forget maintaining it, I'd love to know why anyone would want a 'strictly online' relationship. What's the incentive to invest time, energy and emotion in something that has no future, that isn't building toward something more?If someone could explain that to me that would be great.

There are many factors that keep it virtual.
Maybe the time difference restricts the potential for becoming more than online. Or offline lives, family, work, etc.
Maybe .. that's part of the reason for the friendships created online as well, not just sexual.
Ever been with someone, for a while, who should be a lover and friend, but barely aknowledges you?
You could stand naked and wanting right in front of them, and they would ask you to move, because you are blocking the TV?
Someone who says they love you, but turns you away?
Someone who stopped listening a long time ago?
Asking for a friend.
Xxo

BadAmy said:

Been with someone, for a while, who should be a lover and friend, but barely aknowledges you?
You could stand naked and wanting right in front of them, and they would ask you to move, because you are blocking the TV?
Someone who says they love you, but turns you away?
Someone who stopped listening a long time ago?
Asking for a friend.
Xxo

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you've just described in a nutshell why i'm here.

lacandy said:

Truthfully? I don’t think you can have a STRICTLY online relationship that lasts. Even when you have every intention to keep things online, eventually you want more...if feelings truly develop, you want to see them...to touch them...to kiss them...

Maybe it takes a year? Maybe a few months, but if you have a true connection you will want more. And that’s when it gets hardest and things go badly.

Does that change my desire to have one? Nope...I still try. I still hope.

But eventually I think you have to actually physically touch each other or things will fizzle...

Just my opinion and seven plus years of experience in this place!

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This.... Agree 100%

BadAmy said:

Ever been with someone, for a while, who should be a lover and friend, but barely aknowledges you?
You could stand naked and wanting right in front of them, and they would ask you to move, because you are blocking the TV?
Someone who says they love you, but turns you away?
Someone who stopped listening a long time ago?
Asking for a friend.
Xxo

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No. If a relationship is broken and beyond my ability or their desire to repair, if it no longer meets my needs and leaves me empty and wanting, I end it and move on. If the person no longer acknowledges me, pays me no attention, offers no true affection, doesn't listen and isn't there for me, if I am, in essence, alone, then why the hell am I in a relationship that isn't a relationship? I'm responsible for my own happiness, and if I'm too stupid, or weak, or lazy, or chickenshit to pursue it, then I deserve to be miserable.

Coincidentally, that's how I'd view a relationship that's strictly online: unable to meet my needs. While some people might be content with the simple companionship of corresponding with another human being, perhaps happy to have crumbs despite starving to death, I'm going to need more. Not in the beginning, and not at all once, but over time there will steadily grow that need for more. Merely talking about all the things I'd like to do with her 'someday' won't be enough. Describing in lurid detail the ways in which I want to fuck her will cease to satisfy. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'll become frustrated, angry and bitter over that feeling of hopelessness and sheer impotence created by the untenable situation. That I can't share the same space with her, touch her and taste her and breathe her in, that we aren't creating and living that life together will be unbearable. The feeling that the relationship, that life itself is standing still, stagnating, will be poison to everything about the relationship that initially brought me joy. And the result will be the same: I'll have to end it and move on.

So, I guess my answer to the question about how I might reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship is that I don't. I can't.

CleverCowardice said:

No. If a relationship is broken and beyond my ability or their desire to repair, if it no longer meets my needs and leaves me empty and wanting, I end it and move on. If the person no longer acknowledges me, pays me no attention, offers no true affection, doesn't listen and isn't there for me, if I am, in essence, alone, then why the hell am I in a relationship that isn't a relationship? I'm responsible for my own happiness, and if I'm too stupid, or weak, or lazy, or chickenshit to pursue it, then I deserve to be miserable.

Coincidentally, that's how I'd view a relationship that's strictly online: unable to meet my needs. While some people might be content with the simple companionship of corresponding with another human being, perhaps happy to have crumbs despite starving to death, I'm going to need more. Not in the beginning, and not at all once, but over time there will steadily grow that need for more. Merely talking about all the things I'd like to do with her 'someday' won't be enough. Describing in lurid detail the ways in which I want to fuck her will cease to satisfy. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'll become frustrated, angry and bitter over that feeling of hopelessness and sheer impotence created by the untenable situation. That I can't share the same space with her, touch her and taste her and breathe her in, that we aren't creating and living that life together will be unbearable. The feeling that the relationship, that life itself is standing still, stagnating, will be poison to everything about the relationship that initially brought me joy. And the result will be the same: I'll have to end it and move on.

So, I guess my answer to the question about how I might reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship is that I don't. I can't.

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I you.

RubenesqueAphrodite said:

I you.

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Aw, shucks.

BadAmy said:

There are many factors that keep it virtual.
Maybe the time difference restricts the potential for becoming more than online. Or offline lives, family, work, etc.
Maybe .. that's part of the reason for the friendships created online as well, not just sexual.
Ever been with someone, for a while, who should be a lover and friend, but barely aknowledges you?
You could stand naked and wanting right in front of them, and they would ask you to move, because you are blocking the TV?
Someone who says they love you, but turns you away?
Someone who stopped listening a long time ago?
Asking for a friend.
Xxo

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Yes, let's talk.

I'm coming out of one that was a year and a half. The guy I was involved with misrepresented his level of interest in me.

Though there were early warning signs at the 7 month mark I should have paid more attention to. Not seeing each other in person, etc. makes it harder to pick up those cues.

The ending hurt a lot more than I thought it would. It was a few weeks ago and I'm still licking wounds over it, but a lot better now.

Different pots do different things. Some are non-stick. Some are great for omelettes. Others are great for simmering a soup all day. Others get that beautiful frond for layering flavors. Sometimes, you can't beat cast iron. All depends on what your expectations are. You can do anything in any pot...but is it great? Is it the flavor you are seeking? That "Oh my God" moment? Or just quick anything will do? A good pot-stirrer would know this.

Now the real question...am I talking about cooking food? Or building relationships?

Dribble said:

Different pots do different things. Some are non-stick. Some are great for omelettes. Others are great for simmering a soup all day. Others get that beautiful frond for layering flavors. Sometimes, you can't beat cast iron. All depends on what your expectations are. You can do anything in any pot...but is it great? Is it the flavor you are seeking? That "Oh my God" moment? Or just quick anything will do? A good pot-stirrer would know this.

Now the real question...am I talking about cooking food? Or building relationships?

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Both? I kind of feel like cooking now

CleverCowardice said:

No. If a relationship is broken and beyond my ability or their desire to repair, if it no longer meets my needs and leaves me empty and wanting, I end it and move on. If the person no longer acknowledges me, pays me no attention, offers no true affection, doesn't listen and isn't there for me, if I am, in essence, alone, then why the hell am I in a relationship that isn't a relationship? I'm responsible for my own happiness, and if I'm too stupid, or weak, or lazy, or chickenshit to pursue it, then I deserve to be miserable.

Coincidentally, that's how I'd view a relationship that's strictly online: unable to meet my needs. While some people might be content with the simple companionship of corresponding with another human being, perhaps happy to have crumbs despite starving to death, I'm going to need more. Not in the beginning, and not at all once, but over time there will steadily grow that need for more. Merely talking about all the things I'd like to do with her 'someday' won't be enough. Describing in lurid detail the ways in which I want to fuck her will cease to satisfy. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'll become frustrated, angry and bitter over that feeling of hopelessness and sheer impotence created by the untenable situation. That I can't share the same space with her, touch her and taste her and breathe her in, that we aren't creating and living that life together will be unbearable. The feeling that the relationship, that life itself is standing still, stagnating, will be poison to everything about the relationship that initially brought me joy. And the result will be the same: I'll have to end it and move on.

So, I guess my answer to the question about how I might reconcile and maintain a strictly online relationship is that I don't. I can't.

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That's understandable. I'm in my early 50s. I know some folks who have stayed in marriages they otherwise would have left or stayed longer because of kids.

I know it may not necessarily be good to stay in a relationship that's not working for the sake of the kids. But if people have kids, the stakes get a lot higher, emotionally, financially and logistically, to break up a household.

I think that's why a lot of people get into these situations.

That's not my situation. I have a tough time meeting men off line that I synch with. I have to put a lot of overtime in at my job and I have a long commute. There are less opportunities to meet people at my age or at least that's what I'm finding.