KoPilot
Obscene Epicene
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religion and D/s
- Thread starter laurasunshinegal
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KoPilot
Obscene Epicene
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Every board is cliquish, really.
I had A Moment a few months ago at a pagan debate board where a very prominent voice and moderator (who I couldn't put on ignore) posited some shitty stuff that I disagreed with while I was in the middle of trying to help set up a POC subforum behind the scenes. I came back, to find that the plans had been abandoned since I left, and said I would only consider continuing with the work if I didn't feel like there were folks running the show who were not on the same page as me in any way (it was to be a safe space, and you can't really establish a safe space like that if staff members run the risk of being antagonistic anywhere on the site). I had been mad about the incident for months, especially since others had jumped down my throat as well. So yeah, grudgingly came back, only to find the initial instigator still as belligerent as before.
Then I took that 5-day break from practically all social media and forums and things? (It was amazing for my mental health.) And I realized... shit. I really don't have to take that. It's just a fucking forum with their tiny celebrities and clubs and old guards. They don't mean jack shit to me or my life.
I don't know where I was going with this other than to say "fuck em". But I guess at the same time, taking time to cool down and really figuring out where you stand is really important too, even if to no one but yourself.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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I've said it before, and I'll say it again. People supposedly get online to unwind, to de-stress and to enjoy themselves. The moment it becomes stressful and not fun then it's time to LEAVE. This has nothing to do with not wanting anyone here or as a personal attack. If it's not fun and rewarding to come to Lit (or any other place online), then WHY are you doing it? I mean, I know this is a board full of masochists, but ... really?
You know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. If every time you log on you leave mad, stressed out, and unhappy, why would the next time be different? And it's not like you can't come back if you get into a different head space.
You know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. If every time you log on you leave mad, stressed out, and unhappy, why would the next time be different? And it's not like you can't come back if you get into a different head space.
LallyH
Literotica Guru
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My DH warned me, when I mentioned joining a forum, that unless I was prepared to have my posts robustly treated, I should keep my opinions to myself until I toughened up. I was eventually invited to join a closed forum on bdsm lifestyle and ended up in a monumental row with someone. When I whined to DH about it, expecting sympathy, I got a sore butt instead.
TBH I've found this board fair - I've got useful, helpful answers to genuine questions (unlike previous forum, hence row), I've been challenged in intelligent, thought-provoking ways, certainly not maliciously, and I've been apologised to if someone had misinterpreted something I've said. Yes, there's rough and tumble on here, but you don't learn if everyone just agrees with every view you already hold.
Keroin
aKwatic
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Humans are social animals, with tribal tendencies. When you're on the outside, it's a clique. When you're on the inside, it's just a group of like-minded friends or acquaintances.
You, (general 'you') have to decide what you want out of an online community. In the past, I've caught myself getting wound up in arguments here and feeling hurt. Like ITW said, however, usually when I go back and read over what was written, I'm left wondering what made me so angry or upset.
I actually enjoy the heated debates now. Having people like Stella, Netz, Homburg, JM, and others, around has made me refine my ideas and the way I present them. Engaging in that level of sharp, unflinching debate has made me better at presenting solid arguments in real life. A good skill to develop.
But if you're just coming here for fun and laughs, then avoid the arguments. It's easy to walk away from an online fight. It comes down to knowing what you want.
KoPilot
Obscene Epicene
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This makes me wonder how in the hell I managed to avoid this with my own small forum, from a social and information architecture standpoint.
Maybe it's because my group is very technically-oriented where opinions and debates of pretty much any sort would be considered off-topic. And then in the one subforum we have dedicated to general chat, nobody hardly uses it. When they do, it's toys and cartoons.
Anyways, I think it's wholly possible to get camaraderie online without the drama. But, you know, that sort of thing generally requires all parties involved have more than a single thing in common. Communities rarely get built around one freakin point of contact.
Keroin
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I think drama and "cliques" are two separate topics. Often found together, true, but not always. I should specify that I also refer to real life, here. Put together any large group of people, in a social setting, and they will naturally break off into smaller groups. I think we can (and should) do things to be more inclusive in social settings, but making close connections with people you feel a natural inclinations towards is not a bad thing.
In my life, there are social groups where I am the outsider and groups where I have some very tight circles of friends (cliques, if you will). I get enjoyment out of all of them.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Yanno, on the day when Stag did his thing here, I was getting shit elsewhere on the internet-- on tumblr where I am really too old to be hanging around or offering anything but enthusiastic squees, my solution was to defriend about a dozen writers and artists. I love their work but they need to work shit out without my help.
On fetlife, I ran afoul in a group that is sooo sensitive that they can't even discuss the issues-- they can only discuss the language the issues get discussed in. And I left it. I get it that some people need even more distance than I can handle.
But this forum-- this is my home forum. I have a goddamned right to be here. There are hundreds of people here- some who are likeminded to me, some who I cannot agree with, and together we have built a thriving culture. Screaming about how bad we are for enjoying each other's company? Unless you can give us something that will serve our needs better, you can take a flying fuck. Go build your own neighborhood-- the internet is still a DIY proposition. Or go find someplace more suited to your needs.
And by the way, Stag, I noticed your snide little "Stella tries to educate" comment. I DO educate. People post thanking me for helping them-- right there in the threads, you can read them. I get PM's weekly from people thanking me. Mostly young women-- who are so very vulnerable in hetero BDSM-- but men too. I can be proud of my attempts. And I am.
On fetlife, I ran afoul in a group that is sooo sensitive that they can't even discuss the issues-- they can only discuss the language the issues get discussed in. And I left it. I get it that some people need even more distance than I can handle.
But this forum-- this is my home forum. I have a goddamned right to be here. There are hundreds of people here- some who are likeminded to me, some who I cannot agree with, and together we have built a thriving culture. Screaming about how bad we are for enjoying each other's company? Unless you can give us something that will serve our needs better, you can take a flying fuck. Go build your own neighborhood-- the internet is still a DIY proposition. Or go find someplace more suited to your needs.
And by the way, Stag, I noticed your snide little "Stella tries to educate" comment. I DO educate. People post thanking me for helping them-- right there in the threads, you can read them. I get PM's weekly from people thanking me. Mostly young women-- who are so very vulnerable in hetero BDSM-- but men too. I can be proud of my attempts. And I am.
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DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
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Yes! Make haste! To the zone which is, at present, relatively free of clusterfucks!
Thank you for digging that thread up. It was a fun re-read.
knot_sweet
mmmm rope...
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I know it's been a over a month since I got laid, and I'm kinda emotionally screwy so I'm not going to post the obvious train of thought about Deeg and clusters of fuck.
DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
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I'd like to equip everyone in this thread with padded sumo suits, and nitrous, on grassy lawns, on a perfect spring day.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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I'd settle for a good old fashioned quaalude ... or three.
DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
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I love new chocolate Clusters of Fuck, with a large popcorn and a Coke (only $16!!) when I am going to see the most recent near-future SF apocalyptic epic, of which I see as many as possible, and see how we are turning this Talk thread into a Cafe thread, and yes, I tend to do that, and now I am going to stop.
DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
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I am putting them out for you, in a little bowl, mixed with the peanut M&Ms.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Which color were you supposed to remove? I've forgotten...
knot_sweet
mmmm rope...
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Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Let's change it to the yellow ones then. Because if you want blue M&Ms you should have them, and nobody cares about the yellow ones.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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Well, put. However, the point still is on enjoying yourself. If you [general you] don't enjoy the arguments either stay out of them or don't come here anymore.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Some rock band was famous for it-- but that was long before blue M&Ms were happening as I recall.Why are you supposed to remove blue m&m's?
knot_sweet
mmmm rope...
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It was Van Halen and they used to take all the brown ones out.
The blue ones are supposedly bad for you because of something in the food dye they use. Or used to use. Not sure if they're still using the same kind.
satindesire
Queen of Geeks
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And yet, I thought that was exactly what we were doing, trying to understand each other's points and meeting everyone halfway.
Sometimes y'all aren't asking for halfway, you're asking for 80% of the way, and that's not really what I'd call fair. If I'm explaining myself and not being "heard" and y'all are explaining yourselves and not feeling heard, there is a fundamental disconnect somewhere that can't be traversed no matter what. What's the point then of continuining the conversation, especially when there are hurt feelings involved? Some people have to know when to leave and bow out. Why is that suddenly a problem? Did you want me to stay while I was mad and continue feeling like I was being shamed and disrespected, because that's not "coming halfway" at all. Beyond everything, this is supposed to be my me time, and I'm not going to participate if I'm not happy. If that makes YOU unhappy, I can't do anything about that.
I didn't ask a single person to "navigate my freakout", I left to go chill out. I handled it, so I think that's a little unfair.
QFT.
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DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
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Hmmm. Well, if I can just get all am-therapist for a second, maybe what you, Satin, and ITW are describing is a lack of mirroring. Maybe it's the nature of a message board format, or maybe it's the subject matter, with supersized emotions. There often isn't that post that goes, "okay, what I hear you saying is X. Is that right?"
I don't do that very well myself. I state my opinion and then bolt, partly because of time constraints, but also because it's more fun, because it's my opinion, dammit.
What do you think of that, he asks, mirroringly?
I don't do that very well myself. I state my opinion and then bolt, partly because of time constraints, but also because it's more fun, because it's my opinion, dammit.
What do you think of that, he asks, mirroringly?
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LallyH
Literotica Guru
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intothewoods
Truth seeker
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No - I would love to but I'm too much of a cheap-ass.
Not actually referring to Lit folks but lots of people must love going to the internet to get all wound up and unleash their fury. Sometimes I read the comments on political articles and damn that stuff is just vile.
By meeting me halfway, I don't actually mean agree with me. And I think it's entirely reasonable to bow out of the conversation.
I just tend to get this sense that there is no way to disagree with someone without having them say it's an attack. I'm not just or even mostly talking about you though.
