Sex once this year

I'd tell her to have an affair.
I've considered showing him this. I have discussed every topic and suggestion that has come up in it with him. The only reason I haven't actually shown him is then I lose my place to talk about it and this is the only place I have to do so.

That's a fair point of view. The question is, do you need an affair? Or a 'Friend with Benefits'? To me, an affair implies at least some degree of romantic entanglement, which I think (like myself) you don't need right now. An FWB, in my book, is a good friend that knows the score, can handle the attachment issues, and is prepared to cross 'that line' with you from time to time. The biggest problem is how to broach the subject, and who with.

Not sure I'm helping much here.
 
Make an appointment with a sex therapist just for yourself - discuss it with a person who is trained in this area.

By your partner refusing to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation he is attempting to deflect blame on you. I view that is cruel and highly manipulative - but I am not trained in counselling - so that is just a reasoned opinion - I strongly suggest seeking the advice of a sex therapist.

Check their qualifications and make sure they have counselling and psychology qualifications as well as having the equivalent of being an accredited clinical psychosexual therapist.

A sex therapist should/will suggestions on how to tackle the situation.
 
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That's a fair point of view. The question is, do you need an affair? Or a 'Friend with Benefits'? To me, an affair implies at least some degree of romantic entanglement, which I think (like myself) you don't need right now. An FWB, in my book, is a good friend that knows the score, can handle the attachment issues, and is prepared to cross 'that line' with you from time to time. The biggest problem is how to broach the subject, and who with.

Not sure I'm helping much here.
Yes, that's a good distinction. FWB. Emphasis on the fact that there would need to be a friendship but nothing more.
Make an appointment with a sex therapist just for yourself - discuss it with a person who is trained in this area.

By your partner refusing to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation he is attempting to deflect blame on you. I view that is cruel and highly manipulative - but I am not trained in counselling - so that is just a reasoned opinion - I strongly suggest seeking the advice of a sex therapist.

Check their qualifications and make sure they have counselling and psychology qualifications as well as having the equivalent of being an accredited clinical psychosexual therapist.

A sex therapist should/will suggestions on how to tackle the situation.

This is a really good idea. I'm going to do some research in my local area to see. I've never given a sex therapist a thought honestly.
 
I've considered showing him this. I have discussed every topic and suggestion that has come up in it with him. The only reason I haven't actually shown him is then I lose my place to talk about it and this is the only place I have to do so.

Still reading, but hate to post-and-run. You can also post here, both for additional feedback and many posts similar to yours to show him. Love Shack also has a marriage board with similar threads.
 
The problem is, he is not wanting to try. You need to do what is right for you. I would tell him, that this is crazy, you are to your wits in, and that you all see a counselor or you will be talking to a divorce lawyer. Marriage take two people to make it work. One person busting their butt to make it work and the other could care less, tells me you are fighting a loss cause.
So tell him, this is the way it is going to be. If you want to stay married and work on this marriage, the games have to be turned off, you need to connect with me and you need to work with me on this marriage. If you are not willing to do that, then there is no reason to keep this thing going. We can agree, get a divorce and I will find someone to love me and meet my needs and you can marry your video games.

You said you have tried everything? Then you are left what just what I told you. The sex therapist is not going to help you. You are fine sexually, the problem is him and if he agrees to put down the games and connect with you and start being an adult and working on saving the marriage great... but if he blows you off... then time to move on hon.
 
The sex therapist is not going to help you. You are fine sexually, the problem is him

Many sex therapists are highly trained in counselling first and foremost who have then gone on to specialise. This will also encompass relationship counselling as well.

While I do not disagree with your statement, the point was providing a chance to talk to a professional for support and help in developing strategies to impart on him the seriousness of the situation. The aim would be to get him involved in the counselling. If it is a libido situation and loss of self esteem then a sex therapist would be the right choice. If that is ruled out then it can be looked upon as couples/relationship therapy which falls under most sex therapists umbrella as well.

This is something I would advise anyone who is in a relationship or a care situation of a person in denial and having problems that are damaging of self or relationships - if the situation is serious, gaining appropriate information from specialists/professionals will be a step in the right direction even if in this case NextDoorSecret has to attend on her own initially for advice. Being informed and educated is much better than running blind.

Finding a way to repair and get the relationship back on track appears to be what NextDoorSecret really wants - going to a counsellor to get advice is cheaper than a lawyer for divorce.
 
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Finding a way to repair and get the relationship back on track appears to be what NextDoorSecret really wants - going to a counsellor to get advice is cheaper than a lawyer for divorce.

It is what I really want. I'm prepared for it to go in other ways if it must, but I want to know that I left no stone unturned, that I tried EVERYTHING that there was to try before I give up.
I did look at the other forums suggested, I likely won't become a regular there, very straightlaced from what I could tell and not as blunt :) but they did provide me with the opportunity to find some posts that I could print out to share with him.
I also printed out several posts from here as well to share with him as well as my own. Names, sites blocked out because I need my vent space too, but I haven't given them to him yet.
I made a call to a local therapist and will be seeing her next week to see what she suggests, and then we will see what court the ball lands in.
Thanks for being a safe space for me to share and vent and bitch and for those that have commiserated. :) I know this isn't the fun/happy side of stuff but it's the real stuff sometimes.
 
Good on you babe. I hope the session with a therapist goes well. Please keep in mind that, if you don't feel comfortable with her, you can ask her to refer you to one of her colleagues. It's your right to feel a comfortable connection with someone you open up to about intimate things.

As to sharing the posts you've printed. Gonna be tough. But I see that, because of the level of your integrity, you can't bypass this. My hunch is that his initial reaction will disappoint you, but that, if you give him opportunity to come back to this after he's had some time with the issues, the second conversation just could, just could ... be a turning point for him and for you both.

Rooting for you, lovely! ... and imagining how I would like very much to do more than that for you!
 
:) Thanks. Fingers crossed. I'm going for a fun weekend of lake, cottage, boating and waterskiing with girlfriends this weekend, so it'll get my mind off things too.
I do best when I'm not sitting home dwelling.

If there's any talk of men with your friends ... you keep in mind there are guys on here who think you are a stunning woman, ok? :rose:
 
I did look at the other forums suggested ... they did provide me with the opportunity to find some posts that I could print out to share with him. I also printed out several posts from here as well to share with him as well as my own.

I'm glad that you found something to work with. Hopefully it will be the start of a continuing dialog. The marriage and relationship web sites do attract certain types. Some are strait laced, but there's also people open to just about anything within the bounds of a monogamous relationship (and a few poly folks lurking around). There's also a fair number of individuals who are bitter about wandering spouses, who tend to see everything through suspicious, jaded eyes.

If there's any talk of men with your friends ... you keep in mind there are guys on here who think you are a stunning woman, ok? :rose:

One of the 'rules' that I've settled on over the years is to never say anything negative about my wife among friends. I don't want whatever issues we might be going through to color their perception of her, and sometimes stuff comes back to bite years later. That's one of the values of these anonymous message boards for sure, although NDS has done a good job of not talking smack about him.

Enjoy your lake weekend. I'm envious. :)
 
He did a doctor's appointment 2 weeks ago and once again did not address the issue. All this time I've been waiting for some type of test results (he had promised he'd discuss it) and when I asked yesterday he told me he didn't really bring it up because he'll try harder.

That was back on 9/12/15. Has he STILL not gotten his testosterone levels checked?

We've been married over 20 years.

How old is he? How is his physical and mental health? How is he performing at work? How is his waistline? How are his energy levels? You mentioned video games and TV. Does he tend to plant himself in a chair somewhere and not want to get up? Is he reluctant to do other things that require energy and physical movement?

I know that others have already mentioned this, but I also think that testosterone may be a factor. I’d give him an ultimatum to get his levels checked. Make sure that you get a paper copy of the lab results. In other forums, other women have had similar problems with a husband with low testosterone. One of the symptoms is apathy about their condition. They tend to by HIGHLY reluctant to get their testosterone levels checked, and then reluctant to seek treatment. When there are success stories, they tend to thank their wives afterwards for making them get treatment. It doesn’t just affect libido, but physical and mental health as well.

...I suppose if nothing else it'll be time to shop for some new toys soon.
I’d recommend this regardless! You can’t have too many sex toys, no matter how good your sex life is!
 
That was back on 9/12/15. Has he STILL not gotten his testosterone levels checked?



How old is he? How is his physical and mental health? How is he performing at work? How is his waistline? How are his energy levels? You mentioned video games and TV. Does he tend to plant himself in a chair somewhere and not want to get up? Is he reluctant to do other things that require energy and physical movement?

I know that others have already mentioned this, but I also think that testosterone may be a factor. I’d give him an ultimatum to get his levels checked. Make sure that you get a paper copy of the lab results. In other forums, other women have had similar problems with a husband with low testosterone. One of the symptoms is apathy about their condition. They tend to by HIGHLY reluctant to get their testosterone levels checked, and then reluctant to seek treatment. When there are success stories, they tend to thank their wives afterwards for making them get treatment. It doesn’t just affect libido, but physical and mental health as well.


I’d recommend this regardless! You can’t have too many sex toys, no matter how good your sex life is!

No he hasn't and it's been almost a year since the original post. He dances around it and his dr sucks. He does have his annual physical scheduled for Aug 2, so that's on this list. Getting his levels checked was one of my "This has to happen or else"list that I gave him at the beginning of summer.
 
No he hasn't and it's been almost a year since the original post. He dances around it and his dr sucks. He does have his annual physical scheduled for Aug 2, so that's on this list. Getting his levels checked was one of my "This has to happen or else"list that I gave him at the beginning of summer.
Good to hear that!

Make sure that you get a paper copy of the lab results.

The doctor may tell him that his testosterone levels are normal even though his levels are more typical for an 80 year old man. You’ll need to determine for yourself whether his levels are normal and whether to pursue treatment. The average testosterone level for a man in his early forties is around 600 ng/dl. However, most doctors will typically just look at the reference range that is printed on the lab report. The problem is that those reference ranges are typically based on men ages 19-90. For example, Quest Diagnostics (one of the big labs) reports a range of 250-1100, but this number is for all males older than 18 (which in includes geriatric patients). Your husband may have a level of 300, and his doctor may tell his that his levels are normal. However, this is NOT normal for a man in his forties.

Here is a rule of thumb for a man in his 40s:
>550: Good
450-550: Fair. May want to recheck later, especially if he is showing symptoms.
400-450: Low. Probably would be benefit from treatment if he has symptoms
300-400: Very Low. Needs treatment
<300: Extremely low.

It's not an exact science, and a doctor knowledgeable in testosterone therapy will make a decision on symptoms and lab results.
 
Good to hear that!

Make sure that you get a paper copy of the lab results.

The doctor may tell him that his testosterone levels are normal even though his levels are more typical for an 80 year old man. You’ll need to determine for yourself whether his levels are normal and whether to pursue treatment. The average testosterone level for a man in his early forties is around 600 ng/dl. However, most doctors will typically just look at the reference range that is printed on the lab report. The problem is that those reference ranges are typically based on men ages 19-90. For example, Quest Diagnostics (one of the big labs) reports a range of 250-1100, but this number is for all males older than 18 (which in includes geriatric patients). Your husband may have a level of 300, and his doctor may tell his that his levels are normal. However, this is NOT normal for a man in his forties.

Here is a rule of thumb for a man in his 40s:
>550: Good
450-550: Fair. May want to recheck later, especially if he is showing symptoms.
400-450: Low. Probably would be benefit from treatment if he has symptoms
300-400: Very Low. Needs treatment
<300: Extremely low.

It's not an exact science, and a doctor knowledgeable in testosterone therapy will make a decision on symptoms and lab results.

Thank you so much for this post. I've printed this out. I really appreciate it.
 
This has to be one of the most logical and practical; yet disheartening threads ever. You deserve more and his neglect has put you in between a rock and a hard place (no pun intended). I know there are always two sides to every story (not about lying or misinformation; rather, about different perceptions), but it's difficult to imagine that you aren't describing the situation accurately. I hope everything works out for you. :heart:
 
Had my appointment yesterday. It went alright, but there really was not a lot of suggestions that I have not tried.
Just thought I'd update with that info.
Will continue with things status quo for now with the option to reevaluate as needed.
 
If there was to be an instant answer I am sure it would have been thought of by now.

Just remember the "status quo" is not the average, not the "It will be alright".

Were the suggestions about yet more of what you can try or about how you may approach him with the aim of getting him to attend the counselling with you? That is a question for yourself maybe.

You do have to find out how much he cares and what effort he may put in on knowing he may lose the relationship. You need to know that clearly.

You have had a question unanswered for over a year.

Tell him "I have made an appointment for both of us - you will attend" and "go get your full medical next week" - don't ask him - tell him.

Don't give up before you have been strong and stubborn.
 
Did he get his annual physical on Aug 2? Did he get his testosterone checked?
 
We've had sex once this year, 14 months actually. 3 times the previous year.
How do I accept that this is my life now, or do I not just accept it?
I'm starved for touch, for real companionship and yet loyalty, history and love keep me here.
I've tried everything under the sun. I'm out of ideas.
Maybe someone else has some?


You still get laid more than I do....
 
Did he get his annual physical on Aug 2? Did he get his testosterone checked?

The dr actually rescheduled his appt, so I couldn't be mad about that. (I know he actually did because I took the call from the dr office)
So he goes today.

You still get laid more than I do....

Not trying to compete... however this one you're welcome to win, cause that just seems like losing. :(
 
You still get laid more than I do....

Hey roxywhiskey,
So what? My wife has refused sex for the past fourteen years. Our situations are OUR situations. NDS deserves more respect than that.



Dear NDS,

None of those sad stories can reduce your pain and none of those sad stories should dissuade you from trying to improve your situation.

Rooting for you! :rose: :rose: :rose:
- curl
 
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