Sex once this year

SquirtnBrat said:

As someone who has been there, I can say it will get better if you both understand and want to change!
We went from having sex 1/2xs per year to having sex 4/5xs per week. We did it through communication. Our problem stemmed from all the norms. Death in the family, depression, age, unmatched desire levels. Mostly me wanting more and him acting as though it was a burden.
I found out his secret desires. As vanilla as they seemed to me, I went all in. Strip tease. Check. Anal. Check. Positions that use mirrors/cameras/light so he can take in every visual I was offering up. Check. Treating him as a king. Check. The littlest thing that made the biggest difference was I started DATING my partner again. Emotionally checking in on him made our love that much stronger.
I hope my words offer comfort and useable advice.

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Sounds like you started appreciating each other again. I got married 6 years ago.
I started working nights 4 years ago, My wife works normal professional hours. We used to be two passing people in the morning, she would pick me up and that along with 4 hours in the evening to wake up, eat, get ready for work, that was our alone time for 3 years. it takes some effort to rekindle, but its so worth it to re fall in love with that someone special. Dating, as in going out on a certain day together our day, special outtings etc.

subwannabe said:

Yeah, It's almost a piece of cake if both parties understand the problem and want to change. All you need is a game plan. Unfortunately, most of us are trying to play a two person game with only one person on board. You can't force someone to play a game they just have no desire to play.

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I was not trying to down play the emotional struggles one faces while in a sexless relationship. My journey was not a "peice of cake" by any means. There are still things we need to work on as far as intimacy goes. But if there is legitimate effort by both parties, yes, I believe it can be fixed. If the other isn't interested in your emotions then maybe a white flag is in order.

Halen said:

Sounds like you started appreciating each other again. I got married 6 years ago.
I started working nights 4 years ago, My wife works normal professional hours. We used to be two passing people in the morning, she would pick me up and that along with 4 hours in the evening to wake up, eat, get ready for work, that was our alone time for 3 years. it takes some effort to rekindle, but its so worth it to re fall in love with that someone special. Dating, as in going out on a certain day together our day, special outtings etc.

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We don't "date" as in date nights and romantic strolls. But we communicate as though we're dating. I believe everyday you make a conscious decision of how you'll treat each other. Every action should be a small act of love. Putting my partner's emotional well being above my own, showed great results. Hopefully that can help someone else.

NextDoorSecret said:

We've had sex once this year, 14 months actually. 3 times the previous year.
How do I accept that this is my life now, or do I not just accept it?
I'm starved for touch, for real companionship and yet loyalty, history and love keep me here.
I've tried everything under the sun. I'm out of ideas.
Maybe someone else has some?

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Low-sex marriages are very, very difficult. Mine ended earlier this year, thankfully.

I felt gross and unattractive the entire time we were together. Within a week of him leaving (yes, he left me - but it was the right decision), I felt more attractive. It was five months before I had sex with anyone else, but WOW, just wow - it really was wonderful and eye-opening. First time was with a man with a golden tongue and tiny penis, and I could barely stand a minute in his presence without dragging him to bed.

I spent 20 years accepting feeling gross and having very little sex as my reality; now I'm facing a new reality of being my own healthily sexual person. It's far better. I hope you find your way to satisfaction, whether or not your path is similar to mine.

NextDoorSecret:

1. Is it sex you long for, or if there was sufficient touch and affection could that replace sex?

2. Why do you stay? Are there specific reasons, fear of the unknown, etc? It is possible to remain close and love an Ex.

3. Why does he stay? Same as above.

4. Is it possible he is hiding ED or other issues from you?

5. Have you tried demanding anything? For example, him being tested, marriage counseling, an "honesty hour (or 20 minutes every week), etc.?

This information will help me form some action steps for you. PM if you'd rather do this privately.

NextDoorSecret said:

That was the first thing I did.
And the 2nd, and the 4th, 5th, 6th, probably 7th and 10th. I don't know. I've tried to talk about it so many times I can't name them all. I've been playful about it, I've been serious, I've broken down in tears, I've begged him to look into what might be wrong... I've tried to talk to him in the living room when and where he's most relaxed, sitting at the kitchen table, somewhere neutral, in bed to see if I could coax a reaction, and through it all it comes down to him telling me that he just doesn't have any real interest in sex. He's assured me it's not me, though at times I remain skeptical.
I'd feel better if I thought he was having an affair, at least there'd be a reason.
I've wondered if he's gay but there's no other indication.

The video games are a real problem, but another one that "isn't a problem"

When I said I've tried everything.. I really think I have. I've been patient and waited to see if it was a stage. I've talked to him.I've read books, I've watched movies, I've tried to entice him with porn, I've tried reading sexy things to him, I've tried starting without him to see if I can get him to join in. I've suggested the doctor, I've suggested counseling. I really am out of ideas.

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One of the things that struck me about what you said in this post is that you have been actively and sincerely trying multiple avenues to address a legitimate problem. But if I may say so respectfully it sounds as though the focus has been on how to solve the problem as opposed to establishing that there is a problem.

From his narrow perspective this may feel like trying to fix something that isn't broken. It is hard enough to get such a man to talk openly about sex or consider something like therapy. If he hasn't accept the presence of a problem he may see these efforts as essentially making the case for his inadequacy. In many ways that is true, but it is a tough message to receive and his instinctive response will be denial. Assuming he is even halfway intelligent, ideas on how to start addressing the issue aren't the key barrier and more ideas to solve a problem he doesn't recognize will feel like more insults to his adequacy.

It sounds like you have done a lot already so I don't mean to suggest that you haven't considered this already. However, I submit that the starting point is to establish that there is a problem. And in this context I would state very clearly that there is no debate. Unless both of you are happy there IS a problem. And since you aren't happy there IS a problem. So it isn't necessary that he agree, only that he listen. For him to unilaterally determine there is no problem is to ignore your feelings and that is unacceptable. From there the message is that sex is part of mariage. He is not holding up his end of the bargain as surely as if he was cheating. Yes, I hate to use the word but having sex with your partner is an obligation.

Instead of coming up with ways to help him solve a problem he doesn't recognize, focus on establishing the presence of the problem and leave it to him to find the solution.

Simply and crudely put: I want to be fucked and touched regularly. I am entitled to expect that because that is part of our marriage commitment. You aren't giving it to me and are therefore failing to hold up your end of this bargain. If you disagree please say so explicitly so that I may make a decision as to how I will proceed with my life. And if you agree, please do something about it. I will help and participate in any activity if you like. But we cannot have a fruitful life together unless you can clearly and honestly tell me if you agree that we have a problem and intend to do something about it.

policywank said:

One of the things that struck me about what you said in this post is that you have been actively and sincerely trying multiple avenues to address a legitimate problem. But if I may say so respectfully it sounds as though the focus has been on how to solve the problem as opposed to establishing that there is a problem.

... But we cannot have a fruitful life together unless you can clearly and honestly tell me if you agree that we have a problem and intend to do something about it.

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So well put!

Your reply should be archived and put in a FAQ somewhere.

- curl

One of my friends told me about this thread.
kiss:, sweetie )

I'm not sure if OP is still reading, but I can see a lot of others are who are in similar situations.

About nine years ago my ex literally stopped sleeping with me. He moved into a bed in his study. He gave all sorts of excuses for it, but finally I realised there was an issue: a 'problem' as policywank puts it. I tried everything just like OP: blaming myself for getting old and chubby , talking to him, etc etc etc.

I started working on my erotic writing partly because I came to believe that at nearly 50, I was past it. I might as well live the dream by dreaming about it. I was working so hard to earn a little money, keep our house clean and take care of our child, take care of his parents, make his sandwiches, iron his shirts etc etc, that I almost was able to shut my eyes to the truth. He was an emotionally lazy asshat who didn't care about me.

I would've carried on without sex, without even someone to sleep with me and give me a cuddle at night, believing that it was my fault for snoring, wanting to read while he wanted to listen to the radio (without headphones of course - Gosh, who would want to put headphones on just so they could cop a feel of a tit while listening! ) etc etc. But he didn't want to go on holiday with me and the kid, or take me out to dinner or go out with friends I was trying to make who had kids her age. He only wanted to watch crime drama on tv and go to visit his terminally ill parents.

I loved his parents too and sometimes went on my own if he couldn't get away from work (leaving the kid with friends, cuz gosh knows , he was far too busy and important to pitch in with her). The way I saw his Dad treat his Mom was a total eye-opener.

I am a bit lucky. One night he drank half a bottle of £60 single cask whisky - 60% proof - belonging to me, on his own. In the morning he had to confess it and he said he would buy me another one. "Oh yes you will," I said. "But that really isn't the problem, is it?" He agreed to go to a doctor AT LAST! He was diagnosed clinically depressed. So I could see very clearly then, that the 'problem' was not with me, it was with him - he is ill.

At least the medication meant he didn't have such violent mood swings. However he wouldn't go to counselling long term - only six week spells. He got counselling free at work, but as soon as he could work again, they signed him off. What did they care if he was taking it out on the little woman at home, as long as he didn't cause a scandal by doing it physically? His moods were becoming so bad, I was scared. I went around walking on eggshells.

(I hope you can see from this that the decision to leave was one I was making for my daughter's benefit as much as my own. I didn't want to bring her up thinking that the way I lived was in any way an acceptable way for an intelligent woman to live. I should add that every single one of my Real Life friends as well as my online friends said I should leave him and helped me to do it.)

It had been a while before this that I had finally decided to leave. It was when I asked to be taken out for my 50th birthday for afternoon tea, at a cost of about £25 per head for me and a very few friends. He said we couldn't afford it.

Well, your 50th birthday should be a bit special, shouldn't it? And mine wasn't. I couldn't ignore any more that this was only because I was not special to him. I was on the Authors' Hangout on here, and I had lots of friendly birthday messages and plenty of people were demonstrating that I was a very attractive, lovely, super person whom they were proud and happy to call a friend.

I tried for a long time to think it was all my fault. But now I know that it was his. He is depressed and although he didn't love me any more like a partner, he tried to cling to me like a drowning man to a straw. Except I am not a straw, I am a bloody strong and big-hearted woman so I kept him afloat for years. When I left he said I was being unduly romantic, all relationships become less passionate. I said: "Sorry, you are my sexual partner. I expect you at least to sleep in the same bed as me."

I had to work like a dog for three years to get myself into a good enough situation that I could afford to leave without fearing the kid would suffer. When I said I was going, he asked for a second chance and I gave it to him. But he never even moved back in the bed with me, never mind have sex. It was worth the hard work though. There were arguments, of course, and there still are - he remains deeply angry. He is angry because he is depressed, so I still have to work hard to make sure he doesn't project it all on me.

I did everything I could to make it easy on him, and in return he shared an inheritance he had with me which made it possible for me to buy a nice house for me and the kid. You are saying: "FFS, you gave up ten years to support him, and it's to house his own kid!" but a lot of men wouldn't do it, they would hold the money back to take revenge on a woman. I am sincerely grateful. I know that in spite of his illness, he does try very hard to be fair.

Before I had even left the house, he left a pair of women's knickers in the laundry basket, LOL, to show me - there! you b!tch. It is you, not me. He is still with her so I don't have to feel so responsible for him, although I still phone up his Dad and do my best for the Fella too, etc.

It has been a long long time since I had sex. I am wary now. I don't want to be suckered back into anything like that ever again in my life. Yes, I was badly hurt by what I went through.

Life is so much better now. Without him sabotaging me if I went for work interviews (I really thought it was a coincidence that something would always come up on those days!), I have been able to sort my work situation out and get something going that I am starting to build on.

The other night I went out with a friend to the ballet, which I love. I had a great time! I missed my last train home though, so I went for a drink by myself in a posh bar I like before getting a cab. A top executive from a sporting club tried to pick me up and offered to get me in to one of the big matches going on here at the moment. I was sorely tempted! as I love the sport but I have nobody to go with, being a mere gurllll so I don't get to go much. But I don't think he was interested in my analysis of the match, LOL, and he was a married man. I would like to be with someone to whom I am a bit special, not just a one night thing, so I let him buy me a drink and went home alone. I am so naive! I was worried cuz I like the signature cocktails, which are expensive. I said to him: "Are you sure? It will set you back a bit." He laughed and said: "Money is not a problem." He is not the first rich good-looking man to try to pick me up either, LOL. Plus, I have another set of stories under another name which are ... more personal , and my inbox is full of people making it evident they would also take me out if I let them. One came all the way from France to give me a ride on the back of his motorbike - although in the end, he didn't want to move to live near me so we stayed just friends.

I'm taking my time, cuz I know now that it was never me that was 'the problem'. And I am having way too much fun learning that I am not a 'problem' to settle down yet.

You have to make your choices. If the Fella had been more of a companion, I might have been willing to compromise - even to give up sex altogether, although there were times I was so desperate that I wondered if I could go down to the local train station and offer some old boy a blowjob. I thought I was old and hideous and that if I picked out someone old enough, he would be willing! but I was scared he would topple over with a heart attack so I didn't get round to it.

The Fella was not a sexual partner, nor a companion, nor a helpmeet or supportive or a friend. He was no fun at all. I believed I was the millstone weighing him down. We are amicable and are generous with each other about the childcare and finances, even about helping each other out personally, although I wouldn't call us exactly 'friends'. Maybe that will come.

Meanwhile I am having the best fun finding out how high I can fly without a millstone weighing me down.

^^^Loved your story and the way your dialect infused it. Made me sad and then joyful to read of your struggles and your journey. Thanks for sharing it.

...I have some things to write about in this thread. I'm on my phone now but as soon as I get the time to sit down and write you are going to get a rant...

I do truly empathize with your situation. And I am not sure if I can add any additional advice. But I would like to embellish my view on therapy or even medical intervention. You cannot disconnect the very valid prospect that these can be productive measures from his acceptance of the problem. If the other party doesn't see a problem, suggesting therapy or medical intervention will be profoundly offensive and amounts to telling them that they are sexually defective.

This is not likely to get a productive response from anybody. And the level of certainty or conviction with which the person suggesting this route feels they are correct has nothing whatsoever to do with it.

Until he recognizes a problem your options are leave or live with it. You can't solve it on your own. You must get him to see that there is a problem before anything can be done about it.

As to one other comment I saw earlier I would also say this. Yes he does "owe" it to you to have sex with you. It doesn't always have to be on your terms but shutting off is not acceptable. Somewhere along the way we as a society developed a silly ass notion that sex occupies this unique status where "not being in the mood" is legitimate reason to abandon your marital commitment. Its not ok to not be in the mood to earn a pay cheque, go shopping, take care of the kids, do house maintenance, visit your relatives, etc.........but on a whim one partner can rob the other of a sex life by being too selfish to engage in a few minutes of physical contact.

This isn't a feminist, sexist, moral, religious or body consciousness issue. Many of us wrestle with one or more of those issues and I do not mean to minimize them. But those who uses them as excuses to not be an attentive and affection partner are being selfish assholes. Yes there are exceptions for those who are truly struggling with mental health issues - but more often than not that is just a cop out.

I know lots of women disagree with me on this but as I saw in another post some time ago - if I want him to spend two hours trimming the hedges the least I can do is give him a blow job. Maybe I am not in the mood, but I know for sure he isn't in the mood to trim the hedges and doesn't even think they need to be trimmed. Yet he will do it anyway for me. So fuck yeah, I'll suck his dick and swallow and wear the heels he likes while I am doing it. Why not? What exactly am I giving up? This isn't some no name sexist jerk in a singles bar. This is my loving and attentive husband and I am the partner who has committed to be his loving and attentive wife.

The way I see it you have these choices!

Take a lover, get devoiced, or buy a few sexual toys, a clit stimulator a big long vibrator or dildo, and a double headed vibrator that is inserted in your rear and your vagina and fuck the hell out of your self sweetie.

with those breasts I can't understyand what he is platying vidoe games!!

Bobby (my husband) would play with those for hours!!!!

Sugartitties said:

I have a total and complete understanding of how video games can destroy a marriage. It's a tough addiction to compete with, trust me, I know this only too well.

I wish I had words of advice to offer, but you do know that you are not alone. I've been married for 15 years to a video game addict. It's his escape from all things reality, as mentioned above.

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bonnietaylor2 said:

Take a lover, get devoiced, or buy a few sexual toys, a clit stimulator a big long vibrator or dildo, and a double headed vibrator that is inserted in your rear and your vagina and fuck the hell out of your self sweetie.

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As I was saying:


The last time I had sex was late last year. First there was the simple issue of my wife's pregnancy making sex difficult at late stages and after the c-section (early this year) we had to be careful of the wound and then there is the fact that she hasn't been in the mood for sex. The last thing is partially caused by hormones and after giving birth she really doesn't get horny for a long time (same thing happened with our other kids.) I suppose stress from taking care of kids while I'm away at work also are a factor.

Another thing is that I don't want to pressure her and if she isn't enjoying the sex then I don't enjoy it much either.

I'm still committed to this relationship so cheating on her is not really an option and even though we did talk about the option of me hooking up with some guy for sex (she said she doesn't mind as long as no women are involved) but even that hasn't happened and I'm having second thoughts. I am perpetually horny but fear that despite her earlier assurance me trying out my bisexual side would still cause problems (despite her earlier assurance) and don't dare risk losing her.

I am trying to work things out with her but the end result seems to be that I'll just have to wait and see if things get better once she stops breastfeeding the baby and the hormone thing is over. Luckily for our marriage I am determined to get over this but unfortunately for my urges this means it's internet porn and ERP only for a while still.

Raziel83 said:

I suppose stress from taking care of kids while I'm away at work also are a factor.

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I'm not sure anyone who has not done it really appreciates the total exhaustion which sets in when you are at home taking care of small kids. There is no letup. When you are at work, you often stop for ten minutes or even an hour. Go for a walk, go for a coffee, chat to adults for a while.

When you are with kids you cannot even go to the toilet without them following you, you daren't lock the door in case something happens and they need you. You have to watch them all the time, be with them all the time. You long for people who will actually use proper language when they talk but when they are around, all you want to do is give them the baby and fall asleep.

There were times I could've lain down on my unwashed floor and slept ... but I had to keep on keeping an eye on the baby.

By now I got used to it. I have had twelve solid years of sleep deprivation. My kid was always restless and recently we have all been stressed so nobody sleeps well. She still sneaks in with me and tosses and turns, keeping me awake.

One of the wonderful things about leaving the Fella is that he has to have Piglet, or he won't see her. He can't phone up and say he is in the pub and having an important discussion so will not be home for supper after all. Once a week and alternate weekends, I get time to myself. I often just lie down on the daybed and put a baking show on tv and fall asleep to it.

Yes, your wife will soon recover her libido after all the gruelling physical trauma she has been through, when the breast-feeding stops, etc. If you want to do something to make that happen more quickly - or perhaps just to help her because you love her and don't want her to be so exhausted, pitch in when you get home A LOT. Do A LOT of housework and cooking. Take the kids off her hands for a couple of hours so she can put her head down to sleep. Get someone in to help her with the housework and/or kids.

Que said:

^^^Loved your story and the way your dialect infused it. Made me sad and then joyful to read of your struggles and your journey. Thanks for sharing it.

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, sugar

NaokoSmith:

I am trying to help her. The real problem is that most of our relatives live quite far so we can't even dump the kids on grandparents for the weekend (although the baby is a bit too young for that the older ones would do just fine.)

Actually, I was a stay-at-home dad for a while when my wife was working (it would be kinda hard for her to get a job later if it had been years between her graduation before she started looking for one) so I know how hard it is to take care of them alone.

Raziel83 said:

NaokoSmith:

I am trying to help her.

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Oh well, there is some hope for you then, LOL.

Have you not got friends with kids same age? The older kids can go for sleepovers with their friends and you can arrange piglet swaps? That's what I used to do with Piglet - although sadly the Fella was unable to take advantage of this opportunity and my increasing libido by then. We had no family living near and he put the blame for our lack of social life on that, but I tried hard to build a network of friends - we could help each other out. I can still rely on some good people to take Piglet if the Fella and I have to go away for work commitments on the same night. I often took their kids on days school was off. We had such fun going to museums and on the train to the beach.

Kids are small for such a short period of time. I know it feels like ages when you are in the middle of it, and with two or three of them. However I can hardly believe now that as I type this to you, Piglet will be getting herself off to bed without my supervision! *sniffles* Aww, she was so cute and cuddly. Far from interfering with my sex life she is urging me to find someone - but only because she longs to organise a wedding!

Don't get hopeful, guys. I am very lazy and rarely get into bed these days for anything less than a bottle of Perrier Jouet Belle Epoque - and some diamonds

Raziel, I have seriously been giving this some thought for you.

TBH, if your wife is saying you can go and have sex with other men, it does sound a little bit like you may have hassled her for it. I figure negotiating for sex is like dancing. If one of you is going forward, the other has to go back. So if one is pressing hard for it, the other one tends to put up the shutters and say Shop is Closed Today. When I was with the Fella, I did for long periods just let him have space in the hopes he would come closer to me of his own accord, and although he never did I think it was the right thing to do.

I do advise pitching in with the kids and the house, much more than you think you ought to. This is probably less than she thinks you ought to! but if you are being Mr Superstar around the house, like policywank says - she might after a little while think to herself that you deserve a blowjob. Try hard to look out for her offering this, not at all to pressure her for it in return for what you are doing.

What you might do, is ask her for something quite small. Maybe she would be willing to hold you while you have a wank? To whisper in your ear and encourage you? That would maintain the intimacy, while also serving as a reminder that the two of you are in an agreed relationship which is SEXUAL. If she can't manage this now, and continues to feel it's beyond her, you may want to seek professional support, as many people on here are saying and I also say is at a certain point the right thing to do. Your wife might be suffering from postnatal depression.

There are so many reasons why a 21st century couple's intimacy might suffer. It can be physically very demanding being at home with the kids and housework - and when it gets to be hard work, it is stultifyingly boring instead of rewarding fun. It can be hard too to have to go into an office and grind away for what seems like not enough money to do the fun things you long to do. (Actually there are a lot of fun things you can do for free! I had bad experience of the Fella b!tching and moaning about there never being enough money while Piglet and I enjoyed blackberry picking, fishing in the canal, making cakes, planting potatoes and beans, so I am not very sympathetic on that one.) It is a bit scary to be stuck at home and see your partner starting to do well at work while you know you are going to get left behind on the career track. If he starts to come home just talking about work, you do soon feel fed up of it.

I can't emphasise enough the importance of working together on building a good social circle around your family. Like I say: friends with kids the same age will happily have yours for sleepovers which will allow you to get out as a couple. You can enjoy going to theirs and inviting them round with the kids! Fun for everyone, what a novel idea. I worked really hard to build a circle of people who provided Piglet with good role models: they were surgeons, barristers etc (we were academics). But the Fella would only socialise with bachelors from his workplace, and it was a struggle. I often think wistfully of how nice it would have been to have parties with other families round; Piglet and I really love baking. It's not easy to do, though, when your partner says it's not affordable, there is not enough room in your large surburban three bedroom house and that he has to go into work anyway

Well, now I go out on my own and enjoy myself, so perhaps you feel I haven't lost out by not being allowed to hostess suburban vol-au-vent parties. I do have some fetching aprons ... but one or two are not really meant for cooking in, it's true.

NextDoorSecret said:

We've had sex once this year, 14 months actually. 3 times the previous year.
How do I accept that this is my life now, or do I not just accept it?
I'm starved for touch, for real companionship and yet loyalty, history and love keep me here.
I've tried everything under the sun. I'm out of ideas.
Maybe someone else has some?

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I had sex three times in the past three years with my wife. She is just not interested in any intimacy and doesn't see anything wrong in that.

We are getting divorced. Decree nisi on 27th this month.

Sorry but empirical research and loads of anecdotal stories says men doing more housework gets them less sex not more. I too, used to think I could earn myself some sex. It does not work that way. Sex is not a chore to be exchanged. A woman has to be sexually attracted, and you can argue cultural conditioning or hind-brain programming but an emasculated man playing the supplicant and doing chores is not the way to a woman's loins. Nothing wrong with quietly getting some chores done to simply carve out a window of time, especially if you are getting laid on the regular, but actually being seen doing them, despite what many women will report appreciating, does not result on more sex.

Would that it was. I like a lot of domestic duties.

Look at it this way: If you hired a maid service, would that turn your wife into a lesbian?

Every time the subject of bed death comes up, that suggestion is made. Almost without exception (as is true in this case) the man IS stepping up and doing chores. I have yet to hear of someone in the How To morose about lack-a-nooky who says, "You know, you are right, I never do help out around the house, I'll start." the opposite is true.

Perversely, guys that do put their feet up after a long day of work get laid more often. That makes no logical sense, but sexual attraction is not a logical process.

hzhuk said:

I had sex three times in the past three years with my wife. She is just not interested in any intimacy and doesn't see anything wrong in that.

We are getting divorced. Decree nisi on 27th this month.

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I am both sorry for the losses you and your wife have realized, and joyful for your new beginning.

I see no reason anyone should remain in a sexually monogamous relationship with a celibate partner. You can have all the platonic partners you wish with no obligation to abstain from sex with others.

Most people who make it all the way to posting a thread such as this have already tried numerous things to no avail. That's why they're posting. They are desperate for solutions or ideas, hoping that something new will pop up that they haven't tried yet. In most all cases that just doesn't happen. All advice winds up being the same ole same ole things they've already tried over and over and, in my case anyway, it bothers me that I'm the one who winds up doing all the work to get our sex life back on track. It's like it is all one person's (usually the guys) responsibility to do something to "earn" sex from the other. What's wrong with sex being a mutual thing that both parties want? If one person has totally lost interest then communication is the key but, in the end, if communication doesn't work then nothing else is going to. It's kind of like being an alcoholic or a druggie. If you aren't willing to help yourself then there's no amount of anything that the partner can do to change the situation.

Que said:

I am both sorry for the losses you and your wife have realized, and joyful for your new beginning.

I see no reason anyone should remain in a sexually monogamous relationship with a celibate partner. You can have all the platonic partners you wish with no obligation to abstain from sex with others.

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Agree, although an explicit understanding as to the latter is, by far, the preferable route.

Que said:

Sorry but empirical research and loads of anecdotal stories says men doing more housework gets them less sex not more. I too, used to think I could earn myself some sex. It does not work that way. Sex is not a chore to be exchanged. A woman has to be sexually attracted, and you can argue cultural conditioning or hind-brain programming but an emasculated man playing the supplicant and doing chores is not the way to a woman's loins. Nothing wrong with quietly getting some chores done to simply carve out a window of time, especially if you are getting laid on the regular, but actually being seen doing them, despite what many women will report appreciating, does not result on more sex.

Would that it was. I like a lot of domestic duties.

Look at it this way: If you hired a maid service, would that turn your wife into a lesbian?

Every time the subject of bed death comes up, that suggestion is made. Almost without exception (as is true in this case) the man IS stepping up and doing chores. I have yet to hear of someone in the How To morose about lack-a-nooky who says, "You know, you are right, I never do help out around the house, I'll start." the opposite is true.

Perversely, guys that do put their feet up after a long day of work get laid more often. That makes no logical sense, but sexual attraction is not a logical process.

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I think that it is a matter of degrees and the the nature of the other person.

If your wife is desirous but weighed down with endless chores and responsibilities, helping her out will free her up to act on that desire. No matter how horny she is, a 14 hour day just doesn't leave much to give after she gets the kids to bed. Similarly, participating in certain activities/chores can be a bonding experience that can most definitely heighten her amorous feelings. However, both of those examples get at the idea of freeing up and perhaps magnifying her existing feelings.

To the extent that she isn't feeling desire, doing the dishes isn't going to change that. It might get an obligatory fuck from a generous woman, but it isn't going to set her loins on fire. Like it or not for the most part we are attracted to strong men - generous and confident, but not weak or compliant.

And the fact is that some people (men and women) are takers. Giving them more will make them want more. They don't get to a satisfaction point anymore so than a kid asking for candy. Quite the opposite they take what they get for granted and become upset when it stops coming. I know women who treat sex as something of a special event that must be earned. We all want romance from our husband but there is no valid reason he should have to earn it every time. Those women invent various rationals but the bottomline is selfishness. It is in many ways the flip side of men who don't do their fair share at home - they have reasons or excuses but it usually comes down to a certain amount of selfishness.

I think one of the great misperceptions is the idea that if you give me what I want I will give you what you want - sex. That isn't the way it works. My sex isn't a commodity that can be purchased with favour. I have sex with men that I find desirable. Being a lazy oaf can make a man undesirable, but it does not automatically follow that being a good little house keeper makes him desirable. It doesn't.

Guys get upset about this, but I don't think that is realistic. If a woman that you find unattractive goes out of her way to do things for you, does that make you want to fuck her? I don't think so. Would you give her a pity fuck? No probably not because you would worry that she would get the wrong idea and come back for more and you probably wouldn't want to be so cruel as to say it is just a pity fuck. Why should women be different?

Try to understand your spouse and create an environment for desire to flourish. But don't try to "earn it" unless you have been demonstrably falling short in this regard because that sends the wrong message.