More Humour

I sent a text to the Boss this morning:
"What is the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
The reply was quite quick:
"I don't know"

I sent back:
"I'm not coming in this morning."

rjordan said:

Actually, you can make this stuff up.

I've handled a few cremated remains and there is no way it could be mistaken for cocaine. The only thing it could be mistaken for is kitty litter. It looks exactly like that. The color varies a bit from light gray to charcoal gray, but it is definitely chunky from all the bones which have literally been ground up.

Hopefully, that will make up for this downer of a reply.

rj

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I also have a little experience with the 'cremains' (what a word!).
There's a rose bush in my garden under which are the cremated of my late wife (at her request). I had to change the plant; I can confirm she's still there!.
And now, back to the programme:-


Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

Dumb Laws in Wyoming

All new buildings that cost over $100,000 to build must have %1 of funds spent on art work for the building.

If one is drunk in a mine, he or she could land in jail for up to a year.

Junk dealers may not make any business transactions with drunk persons.

It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.

You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit.

Skiing under the influence of alcohol is prohibited.

It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people’s view in a public theater or place of amusement.

Using a firearm to fish is strictly forbidden.

Any person who fails to close a fence is subject to a fine of up to seven hundred and fifty dollars.

Handley_Page said:

I also have a little experience with the 'cremains' (what a word!).
There's a rose bush in my garden under which are the cremated of my late wife (at her request). I had to change the plant; I can confirm she's still there!.

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My late wife is on the mantle and has been for about 10 years. I recently "decanted" some of her into a couple of small urns, one to take to relatives in Florida in a few weeks and one to place her ashes at her favorite spot back East. The rest remain on the mantle until I go round the bend myself.

Some people are squeamish about remains. I've come to terms with them. At one point in my life, my wife's remains were on the mantle, an aunt's remains were in my coat closet (not a favorite aunt) awaiting getting the family together for a funeral, and then my dad died, so his remains joined my wife's temporarily on the mantle.

One day I sat down suddenly with friends over for drinks and said to no one in particular, "My house is full of fucking dead people!" Believe me. I know how to clear out a party in a big hurry.

rj

DG Hear said:

All new buildings that cost over $100,000 to build must have %1 of funds spent on art work for the building.

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That's the case in a lot of urban areas in the US. I agree with it to the extent that it sort of makes up for ugly-ass buildings, although some of the art isn't very good.

Any person who fails to close a fence is subject to a fine of up to seven hundred and fifty dollars.

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Actually, not a dumb law at all. A lot of rural areas have that. When a gate is left open, grazing animals can stray off into other areas, or onto highways, creating headaches for the rancher at least, and damage to the herd at worst.

“estrogen Issues”

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE “ESTROGEN ISSUES”

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You ‘re using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: “How’s my driving”.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from “outer space.”
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Handley_Page said:

I sent a text to the Boss this morning:
"What is the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
The reply was quite quick:
"I don't know"

I sent back:
"I'm not coming in this morning."

Click to expand...

He: What's the difference between eating a corned beef sandwich and giving a man a blowjob?

She: I don't know.

He: Would you like to come over for lunch today?

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING - (the author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to **** all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.
I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to **** all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there.

OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had ****ed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You **** all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

Plot Bunny adverts

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The ability to operate a vacuum cleaner would be preferred.
A knowledge of a gearbox, particularly a Ford Zephyr Mk 2, an advantage.
Apply
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Wanted
Attractive male escort required for occasional social functions.
Personal services not necessary
Apply, Ex trophy wife


Man needed,
Good Looking, own pulse, generally competent and with a thorough understanding of a Zanuzzi Washing machine and a Suffolk Punch lawnmower.


Man occasionally wanted,
An intimate knowledge of wallpaper application would be an advantage.

Dumb Laws in Virginia

I do agree that not all laws are dumb but I'm not going to sort through them
DG


Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary.

There is a state law prohibiting “corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates.

You may not engage in business on Sundays, with the exception of almost every industry.

Full text of the law.

If one is not married, it is illegal for him to have sexual relations.

You may not have oral or anal sex.

Police radar detectors are illegal.

Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.

Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

It is illegal to tickle women.

No animal may be hunted for on Sunday with the exception of raccoons, which may be hunted until 2:00 AM.

DG Hear said:

It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs.

A tax of 1 cent is levied for every 16 and 9 ounces of coke sold in a store.

A person may be placed in jail for up to six months for making fun of someone who does not accept a challege. (Repealed 2010)

It is illegal to snooze on a train.

A person may not hold public office if he or she has ever participated in a duel.

For each act of public swearing a person shall be fined one dollar.

According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag (Repealed 2010)

If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined (Repealed 2010)

Unmarried couple who live together and “lewdly associate” with one another may face up to a year in prison. (Repealed: 2010)

Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.

Whistling underwater is prohibited.

Any person who commits adultery shall be fined at least twenty dollars. (Repealed 2010)


I have these dumb law for all states. Any you are interested in? I also have them for different cities in the state

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i am sure the readers would be interested to know more such laws. all over the world if possible. better if the jokers who thought of these and the jokers who voted for the laws are included in the info.

Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check for stiffness . before play.

5. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied to play the course again.

6. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played in the past to the present course owner. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what is considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times, some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Fairy Tale Technology:-
If you think technology has changed the work world, just take a look at what's happening in never-never land. A recent update reports that today: -

Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips. -

Cinderella searches for her prince on Match.com - and leases her pumpkin-colored SUV at Avis.com. -


Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than bread crumbs but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven. -

To avoid travel stress, Alice now plans her Wonderland vacation with travelocity.com. -

A reformed Ebenezer Scrooge sends Bob Cratchett to update his certification for Excel and Quiken. -

Jack's making a fortune on his bean stalk bioengineering breakthrough. -

Old McDonald uses voice recognition to make ordering easy at his agricultural auction site . -

Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell phones. -

With her early Web capabilities, Charlotte is now a motivational speaker at tech conferences around the world. -

The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on Napster. -

King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite video conferencing. -

Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles. -

Jack and Jill order their Evian on peapod.com.

Advantages of Being a Temp or Contractor...

You're only lending your soul, not selling it.
You won't be there when the fruits of your labour turn rotten.
Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
You don't have to continually fork over part of your pay cheque for co-workers' weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children's school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts.
No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.
You can avoid the internal "war." I once Temp'd at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn't even speak with the other... it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps.
Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away...and the "customer" PHB can (often) be ignored.
Overtime at time and a half!
Woo-Hoo! Leaving at 4:30.
You get to hear the words, "Good job" and, 'Please stay" frequently.
You don't give a rat's hoohaa what the stock is doing.

Eight Words: "It was like that when I got here."

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman, who was off duty, is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump **** from your aircraft.
Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Dumb Laws in Alaska

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

City Laws in Alaska

Anchorage

No one may tie their pet dog to the roof of a car.

For all you would-be pranksters out there, it is illegal to string a wire across any road.

Persons may not live in a trailer as it is being hauled across the city.

Clowns beware!

Fairbanks

It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

Haines

A person may only carry a concealed slingshot if that person has received the appropriate license.

It is against the law to attempt to break any law in title 9 of the code (public peace, morals, and welfare).

Employers of bars may not let their bartenders serve while they are drunk themselves.

Juneau

Owners of flamingos may not let their pet into barber shops.

Buildings that preserve scenic vistas are awarded ?bonus points? by the government.

Nome

One may not roam the city with a bow and arrows.

Soldotna

Persons may not allow “attractive nuisances” to exist.

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:

"Yes, we did look, But your CLIENT DID NOT."

Dirty Fairy Tales

Big Bad Wolf:
The big bad wolf said to little red riding hood "unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits" fuck off she replied as she tugged down her pantie's "eat me like the fuckin book says"


Pinocchio:
Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters."
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting along with the girls now?" \
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.


Cinderella:
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."


Snow White & Pinocchio:
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"

A Few More:

Mickey Mouse:
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy."

Big Bad Wolf 2:
Little red riding hood was walking through the forst and saw the wolf hiding in the grass
She said what big ears you have and he says the better to hear you with & he runs off...
Then she sees him hiding behind a tree & she says what big eyes you have,the better to see you with he says & runs off...
Then she sees him hiding behind a rock & says what big teeth you have & he says damit whould you leave me a lone I'm trying to take a poop,dam little nosey brat

Grandma
One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking to her grandmother's house. She knocks on the door, but all she hears is screams.
So she throws open the door and sees the Big Bad Wolf and her grandmother in the bed. She exclaims, "Grandma, are you alright? I thought the Big Bad Wolf was eating you!"
The grandmother replies, "He was, until you showed up."

Once Upon A Time
Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit.
The bear was taking a shit in the woods when he asked the rabbit if he had problems with shit sticking to its fur.
The rabbit said no so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

The Morning after the Office Party.

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were prompted by it.

As he concentrated, getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Gillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

My Mum had always wanted to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her one for her birthday. A few weeks later, I called and asked how she was doing.

"We returned the piano," said Dad. "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"Why?" I asked.
"Because," he explained, "with a clarinet, she can't sing along."

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm
gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A
LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can't work in the friggin' dark!' says Murphy.

kind of bad, but, what the heck

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!

Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber

Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn't close his casket.

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand