Quite new to BDSM. My girlfriend is a sub, struggling to be a good dom!

newkinkyguy said:

You are of course right in what you say.

One thing that is making it difficult for me to accept her past is that she wanted to marry the guy who beat her up! I wonder if on some level, she enjoyed that & it's that I'm finding difficult to swallow!

As much as I like her, that single thing is making me feel insecure. I could never do what he did to a girl, nor would I want to! I do want to push her limits though, or else it won't do anything for her. It has to test her out a little.

She doesn't even know what she wants herself half the time & seems to think that talking about it, telling me what she wants is 'topping from the bottom'. That irritates me. I'm new to this whole d/s thing & she tells me that, like I'm supposed to just instinctively know what to do.

I guess that I'm going through that uncomfortable period of not knowing if I'm doing it right.

Anyway, things will get better with time I guess, just don't want it to be unsatisfying.

Despite my whingeing, I really do think a lot of her & in all other regards, the relationship is great

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It is NOT topping from the bottom, and it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to order her to be up front and honest about what she likes when you're not playing. In fact, if you ever feel like you're too much in the dark, suspend play until she opens up more. You don't want to harm her, so make it her responsibility to make sure you know everything you need to avoid harm and give her a good experience. Just because she tells you something, doesn't mean you're going to do it. You're in charge still, and get to decide when and if things happen.

I strongly urge you to do some research on why people stay in abusive relationships. It just isn't what you seem to think. What makes something abuse is lack of consent, and that it's harmful. Plenty of people consent to things that abusers have done in their past, and it's not the same at all.

newkinkyguy said:

You are of course right in what you say.

As much as I like her, that single thing is making me feel insecure. It's like he could do anything he wanted to her & she took it all, totally gave away all her self-respect. It's painful for me to think about. It's the old 'treat them mean, keep them keen' thing, that's what d/s is all about though, right?

I'm torn between being angry that she put up with this & feeling really sorry for her & wanting to heal her pain. Part of me is fearful that she likes bad men & she's drawn to them.

I could never do what he did to a girl, nor would I want to! I do want to push her limits though, or else it won't do anything for her. It has to test her out a little.

She doesn't even know what she wants herself half the time & seems to think that talking about it, telling me what she wants is 'topping from the bottom'. I'm new to this whole d/s thing & she tells me that, like I'm supposed to just instinctively know what to do.

I guess that I'm going through that uncomfortable period of not knowing if I'm doing it right.

Anyway, things will get better with time I guess, just don't want it to be unsatisfying.

Despite my whingeing, I really do think a lot of her & in all other regards, the relationship is great

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D/s is NOT about "treating em mean keeping em keen" IMO. It has to do with power dynamic within a relationship and then whatever kinky stuff the two people involved enjoy. Or not. Your gal sounds like she has been domestically abused and called it D/s. And the idea that you should "instinctively" know how to Dom her and be some kind of magic mind reader AND have all of the skills for the kinky stuff she is interested in (ropes, spanking, etc) right NOW immediately is a bat shit crazy expectation.

Just like ANY relationship it will require communication. Just like any relationship you will not always be on the same page. And it will take more work because you are having all of these other activities that the two of you are playing with and that you are trying to learn for her as she has given you a veritable list of things to be her fetish delivery system.

It sounds to me like she has some real psychological damage from both being abused and being someone who would put up with the abuser for so long. Maybe even telling herself that it was what she wanted because it gave her that tingly feeling when she felt out of control. BUT - that is NOT the same thing as a healthy D/s relationship which is NOT abuse.

Have you guys done the BDSM checklist yet?
And I am going to say communicate, communicate, communicate one more time, like everyone else on this forum has stressed. This is NOT the same thing as topping from the bottom.

I did not engage in D/s with my partner for most of our relationship. And when we started it took effort, even though we had been together for a long time and knew each other very very well. He could not read my mind. And he had to practice and learn the skills to Dom me. He had to do some reading, and we had to have some long conversations when we were not in the middle of sexy time and he had to practice - with spanking and with rope and other things. His skills undoubtedly improved with practice. And he had to figure out how to become comfortable as a Dom - the Dom that felt right in his skin. Which meant that I had to compromise too. And we both had to work together to meet each others needs as we figured out how to do power exchange together.

good luck honey. I think you will need it.

newkinkyguy said:

One thing that is making it difficult for me to accept her past is that she wanted to marry the guy who beat her up, gave her stitches! I wonder if on some level, she enjoyed that & it's that I'm finding difficult to swallow! He cheated on her several times + worse stuff that I can't even discuss as it wouldn't be right & that's why they broke up!

As much as I like her, that single thing is making me feel insecure. It's like he could do anything he wanted to her & she took it all, totally gave away all her self-respect. It's painful for me to think about. It's the old 'treat them mean, keep them keen' thing, that's what d/s is all about though, right?

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...

There is a WORLD of difference between something like rough play and being a psychologically manipulative, physically abusive, emotionally rotten, bipedal piece of shit, that uses someone who made the mistake of loving them's vulnerabilities as a means of control. Any lamenting she has over something like that is because she has been poisoned and it hasn't worn off yet. Never envy something like that, any insecurities you feel are most likely due to the fact that you are having trouble getting through to her, not because you aren't good enough.

newkinkyguy said:

I'm torn between being angry that she put up with this & feeling really sorry for her & wanting to heal her pain. Part of me is fearful that she likes bad men & she's drawn to them.

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Do you really think she likes that type of person? Then why did she choose to be with someone who finds her previous relationship repugnant and who," could never do what he did to a girl, nor would I want to!" as opposed to staying or finding another just like it ( God knows there's no shortage of scumfucks in this world )?

newkinkyguy said:

She doesn't even know what she wants herself half the time & seems to think that talking about it, telling me what she wants is 'topping from the bottom'. I'm new to this whole d/s thing & she tells me that, like I'm supposed to just instinctively know what to do.

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Facilitating a complete relinquishment of control to another is certainly an ideal, but I find myself skeptical as to how she expects this to happen when she ( from what you've said ) can't even articulate what it is she needs. Saying you want to be dominated by someone who has no experience, without first talking about what that means to you or while being unwilling to give feedback, is about as likely to work as me telling my dog to go write a paper on Galileo in mandarin... With a monkey wrench.
You two need to talk a lot about expectations and reality, which probably sounds depressing, but is vital if you hope to adopt a successful D/s relationship. This doesn't have to be a constant thing, but it needs to happen properly in order for you to begin.
I truly hope you two can come to an understanding and progress your lives together accordingly. ( apologies for the wall of text )

You've gotten some great advice here. I applaud your effort for reaching out and earnestly trying to figure things out.

Sooo - here's my nickel.

What everyone else just said about D/s does NOT equal beingmean. Far, far from it. D/s is about creating a safe place to explore, push boundaries, open communication, creating structure and rules (if that's your thing).

It's about wanting to make each other better. Sure, every relationship on earth wants that but in D/s, you have these constructs in which to address that.

For example, I could never find my keys and I was always late. The Dominant I was with made me check in with him every single time I got home and tell him where I put my keys. Then, the next day, prior to leaving for work, he'd tell me - about 15 minutes prior to the time I should leave - to find my keys and go put my nose to the door.

Totally weird. Juvenile. I felt pretty stupid standing there with my nose to the door. At first, I rebelled against it - like... you can't do this to me. But I did it. This only lasted about a week before I decided I didn't want to do this anymore. And now, 8 years later, I always know where I put my keys and I'm rarely late.

I get my example has nothing to do with the kind of sex and issues you're dealing with. But I wanted you to see that being Dominant isn't being abusive or a bully. It can be fun and light-hearted too.

I can't speak to her issues of abuse since I've never been in that situation. You sound like you're treading carefully.

Rather than seeing "dominance" as painful or fearful - like the big, bad Domly thing... why not try it from a different angle? That key guy from above used to whisper the worst/best things in my ear when we woke up. That's all he had to do to make my brain race all day... what was he going to do? Is he really going to do that?

Or tie her up and tease the heck out of her but don't let her cum. Make her worship your cock. Rub your feet. LOL. Ok. That's probably not what you're going for but... assert your dominance during sex in a different way.

Be dominant and be nice. That's a really sexy, arousing combination. It sounds like you're on that path. Hopefully, her past won't get in the way of her future

BDSM vs Abuse

I am quite sure the OP is not an abuser, however, this may be a useful reference, nonetheless, since there seems to be a history of abuse prior to the current relationship. It seems possible to me that the gf is confused about the differences.

Re. The last post with the diagram BDSM v Abuse, I think you may well be right!

I want her to read that & digest it. In fact, I will order her to!

Thankyou all. I will no doubt have issues to come. It's nice to know there are people out there that are prepared to help, makes me feel better