More Humour

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

Ancient jokes:
See HERE.

Amen

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

I remember when I got a Bible

Office BS Bingo terms

Had a load of 'let's not get wrapped around the axle over this' today...

It is an impressionist view of a Jungian post-modern construct, centred around the essential futility of existence in a pseudo-imaginary, dystopian reality whereby the questions of morality and empathy lie within the very essence of the object rather than the object itself.

We must lean forward to resolve the issue

We have a new guy starting on Monday and HR sent me an email detailing his "onboarding" schedule, i.e what he's going to be doing for the first few days.
I replied with "is that similar to waterboarding?".

Whilst in a meeting a couple of weeks back one of our thrusting graduate types used the phrase " I think we need a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word 'go'".

I couldn't help but wonder if what was actually needed was a holistic strategy to transition him into non-life.....

Handley_Page said:

Office BS Bingo terms

Had a load of 'let's not get wrapped around the axle over this' today...

It is an impressionist view of a Jungian post-modern construct, centred around the essential futility of existence in a pseudo-imaginary, dystopian reality whereby the questions of morality and empathy lie within the very essence of the object rather than the object itself.

We must lean forward to resolve the issue

We have a new guy starting on Monday and HR sent me an email detailing his "onboarding" schedule, i.e what he's going to be doing for the first few days.
I replied with "is that similar to waterboarding?".

Whilst in a meeting a couple of weeks back one of our thrusting graduate types used the phrase " I think we need a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word 'go'".

I couldn't help but wonder if what was actually needed was a holistic strategy to transition him into non-life.....

Click to expand...

Uh.... What?

TxRad said:

Uh.... What?

Click to expand...

Ah.
We have a humorous game called "Bullshit Bingo" (sometimes more politely referred to as "management-speak"). Given some boring meeting, a certain amusement can be had listening to the new phrases and twisted words [which generally mean absolutely nothing].
See HERE for a few clues.

It is known that members of the church choir listen for similar words or phrases during the sermon, although, as I recall, we played cricket with it. So "Eternal damnation" might warrant a 4 and so on.

Don't you folk have similar amusements ?

Handley_Page said:

Ah.
We have a humorous game called "Bullshit Bingo" (sometimes more politely referred to as "management-speak"). Given some boring meeting, a certain amusement can be had listening to the new phrases and twisted words [which generally mean absolutely nothing].
See HERE for a few clues.

It is known that members of the church choir listen for similar words or phrases during the sermon, although, as I recall, we played cricket with it. So "Eternal damnation" might warrant a 4 and so on.

Don't you folk have similar amusements ?

Click to expand...

I love it. I've been sitting through meetings for the last two days while we try to create a description for a new job. As an example, I lost a half hour of my life to the discussion over the word "mentor" vs "coach."

But the part that offends me most would be the judicious use of the buzz words "effectively" and "efficiently," often in the same sentence. Here's a sample sentence produced by the CFO:
"Effectively and efficiently utilizes corporate analytic tools available to them."

Really? REALLY? I kept trying to ferret out what she meant by that useless sentence. "Do you mean they understand how to use the analytic portal?"

CFO: "Well, yes, but they have to understand how to do more than log-in and just look at all the pretty numbers and charts."

Me: "Yes, they need to understand how to use it."

She agrees, but then insists, "How to effectively and efficiently use it."

Me, attempting to illustrate how her addition doesn't add to the description by reversing it, "Versus that ineffective and inefficient way of using it."

Her, convinced I'm suddenly in agreement with her, "Yes! And we should mention the tools are available to them and not others."

Me, guessing that what she means is, "Don't share your password."

Half an hour later, we wound up with her version.

This is why our manuals include the sentence, "If you're discontented at work, tell us rather encourage negative moral among other employees."

Could someone describe how to encourage negative moral? <sigh>

Handley_Page said:

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

Click to expand...

Lol. Not too many years ago I went to Australia with my mom and dad on vacation. Flew back from Sydney thru Singapore on Quantas and it was a calm quiet flight until we went to land at Singapore. Aircraft slammed into the runway, bounced back into the air and did that about a dozen times before that welcome smooth roll. Stewardess comes on the speakers and says "now that captain kangaroo has finally got us on the ground, welcome to Singapore" and all the passengers started clapping. Always remembered the total hilarity of the moment she said captain kangaroo, totally seriously...

...................

BuckyDuckman said:

...

This is why our manuals include the sentence, "If you're discontented at work, tell us rather encourage negative moral among other employees."

Could someone describe how to encourage negative moral? <sigh>

Click to expand...

That reminds me of one of the governors at our children's primary school. He was a decorated WW2 Major, a Justice of the Peace, a local councillor and a political appointment as a governor.

At a Parents and Teachers meeting he spoke at length about the competence of the school's teachers. But throughout he referred to the morals of the staff and students, not the morale. For example: 'A few years ago the morals of the staff and whole school were bad, but now they are demonstrating good morals'. No one corrected him.

Even the few children present had difficulty keeping themselves from laughing.

We knew what he intended to say. He was well-liked as a governor but his command of English was flawed. Despite that, he was an asset to the governing body.

BuckyDuckman said:

I love it. I've been sitting through meetings for the last two days while we try to create a description for a new job. As an example, I lost a half hour of my life to the discussion over the word "mentor" vs "coach."

But the part that offends me most would be the judicious use of the buzz words "effectively" and "efficiently," often in the same sentence. Here's a sample sentence produced by the CFO:
"Effectively and efficiently utilizes corporate analytic tools available to them."



This is why our manuals include the sentence, "If you're discontented at work, tell us rather encourage negative moral among other employees."

Could someone describe how to encourage negative moral? <sigh>

Click to expand...

It strikes me that a really GOOD dictionary is needed at some of these meetings.
I must admit mine ain't too clever separating Mentor & Coach;
(to my mind one is a guide offering the occasional guidance,m the other is a tutor.)

And how to spell Morale.

BuckyDuckman said:

I love it. I've been sitting through meetings for the last two days while we try to create a description for a new job. As an example, I lost a half hour of my life to the discussion over the word "mentor" vs "coach."

Click to expand...

My first job after college came with an eight-page job description that I had to read and sign off on my first day. It included what seemed to be virtually every possible thing that could be expected of anyone taking the position. Then I came to the final sentence on the last page:

"And any other duties as may be assigned."

.

ChloeTzang said:

Lol. Not too many years ago I went to Australia with my mom and dad on vacation. Flew back from Sydney thru Singapore on Quantas and it was a calm quiet flight until we went to land at Singapore. Aircraft slammed into the runway, bounced back into the air and did that about a dozen times before that welcome smooth roll. Stewardess comes on the speakers and says "now that captain kangaroo has finally got us on the ground, welcome to Singapore" and all the passengers started clapping. Always remembered the total hilarity of the moment she said captain kangaroo, totally seriously...

Click to expand...

KindofHere said:

I had a similar experience landing in Heathrow, except the plane landed in the rain and we skidded all across the runway, turning a full 90 degrees and I'm sitting by the exit door in coach and right across from me is where the stewardesses sit in a line of three. One looks right at me and yells, "I don't want to die!" and we come to stop, half off the runway and she gets up, composes herself very professionally, gets on the mic, turns it on, opens her mouth and pukes.

Click to expand...

My dad worked for Pan American Airways (PAA, then later Pan Am) back in the propellor days. He was stationed out in the western Pacific, and a story circulated about a certain captain who was noted for his bad landings at Saigon. This was in mid fifties and he flew a B377 double decked Boeing Stratocruiser.

At the time the Tower and Air Traffic control in Saigon were French, and a particular Tower guy (for lack of a better word) used to grade the PAA captain's landings, in a French accent of course.

Ahhh Capitaine ..... you only bounced three times today, see if you can do better on next weeks flight.

Said captain, new to the left seat, practiced on all his flights, and one day, landing on the weekly flight to Saigon from Manila, greased the plane in, it was said that rather than screeching and sending out a puff of smoke when the wheels hit, the wheels on this landing just started to roll as he eased the monster plane onto the runway.

What did the man in tower say?

"Ah, Capitaine ......, I see you let your First Officer (co pilot) land today."

People in the education world, especially at the university and state level, love to make up words and phrases. Problem is that teachers are supposed to know what these words and phrases mean even though they are not in the dictionary. But the worst part was the acronyms. Not only did they make up acronyms for everything, we would get forms with lists of acronyms and their meanings that we were supposed to memorize at the beginning of the school year. ODAA was so common that someone finally had a small plaque made up and given to the Program Coordinator whose job was 90% ODAA. It was the only acronym that they didn't change every year.

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed."

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

And what is it?' asks the doctor. . . . . . . ..

'We're having a new kitchen.'

sharingfantasies said:

People in the education world, especially at the university and state level, love to make up words and phrases. Problem is that teachers are supposed to know what these words and phrases mean even though they are not in the dictionary. But the worst part was the acronyms. Not only did they make up acronyms for everything, we would get forms with lists of acronyms and their meanings that we were supposed to memorize at the beginning of the school year. ODAA was so common that someone finally had a small plaque made up and given to the Program Coordinator whose job was 90% ODAA. It was the only acronym that they didn't change every year.

Click to expand...

I have to ask. What is ODAA?

I've been on a campaign against jargony acronyms and abbreviations for twenty years. They're very common among environmental (and other) regulators. The language is almost unreadable. I insult their sensibilities by avoiding the acronyms, but the attorneys tend to like that. They actually have a chance to understand what's said.

NotWise said:

I have to ask. What is ODAA?

I've been on a campaign against jargony acronyms and abbreviations for twenty years. They're very common among environmental (and other) regulators. The language is almost unreadable. I insult their sensibilities by avoiding the acronyms, but the attorneys tend to like that. They actually have a chance to understand what's said.

Click to expand...

Other duties as assigned.

sharingfantasies said:

Other duties as assigned.

Click to expand...

Oh. Thanks. In that case, everything I do is ODAA.

NotWise said:

Oh. Thanks. In that case, everything I do is ODAA.

Click to expand...

Same here.
Come to think of it, its' OD every day!

Handley_Page said:

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

Click to expand...

Reminds me of the joke about a lawyer who had his Jaguar sideswiped by a truck. He regained consciousness as the emergency medical crew showed up.

"My Jaguar! My Jaguar!" he moaned.

The EMT pointed to the lawyer's left arm, which was missing below the elbow. "Don't worry about the car. You have bigger problems than that."

The lawyer looked at the bloody stump and groaned "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "No.

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, "No.

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "Yes.

"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked?

It was Kate Upton

"Yes," cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three.. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:

If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!

I’m off like a prom dress.

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Mich. Dept. of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan


Reply To: Grand Rapids District Office
State Office Building 6th Floor
350 Ottawa NW
Grand Rapids MI 49503-2341

John Engler, Governor Russell J. Harding,
Director Department Of Environmental Quality
Hollister Building,
PO Box 30473,
Lansing MI 48909-7973

December 17, 1997 CERTIFIED MAIL

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++







RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they
would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten