High libido wife with low libido husband.

Hello all! I've lurked the board before, but never posted. I'm married and I love sex. Unfortunately it's like pulling teeth to get my husband to have sex. When we do have sex he wants me to do all the work while he lays there.

I just recently read the book "the sex-starved wife" by Davis and cried my way through it. It was such a relief to know I wasn't the only one and that it wasn't something wrong with me.

Has anyone else experienced this? Read the book? I'd love to know people's thoughts on it. How do you cope when your spouse is happy to have sex maybe four or five times a year and you want it several times a week?

Thanks!
WWW

(Note, I originally posted this on the general board, but was told I'd get a more appropriate response here. Thanks!)

I haven't read the book. However mismatched libidos seem to be a common ailment of married people. Most don't start that way but usually take that turn. So many people I know who've been married for a long time end up on different sexual wavelengths. Without knowing a lot about you and your husband...I would encourage you to do the hardest thing of all...talk to him about it. If you've already tried that, then you have to take matters into your own hands quite literally. Masturbation is a wonderful thing when one of you wants it and the other doesn't. If it's the closeness, hugging, kissing connectedness you crave...I'm all out of advice. Except for taking a lover, I wouldn't know how to satisfy that craving when your husband isn't interested.

I'm sure you'll get more/better advice. Best wishes to you!

yeah, while it's mostly guys in this boat (me included), it's not that unusual for it to be a women. If it was that rare, it wouldn't have been so funny on Married with Children.
It's tough. You have to balance the desires for sex with all the other aspects of the relationship: kids, friendship/companionship, financial, ect. Then there is the feeling of rejection to deal with as well...
As Kay said, trying to talk it out is your best bet. Wife and I have talked and, while still not where I would like things, it has improved.
If you have talked it out and nothing has changed it might be time for an evaluation of the relationship. Is there something else there, besides fear of being alone or having "failed" at marriage that is keeping you together? If there is, is it more important than the sexlife?
Good luck and keep us updated.

Has your husband talked to his doctor about his low libido?

If not, I'd say start there to rule out hormonal conditions like low testosterone, and chemical imbalance issues, like depression. If he's taking any medications, low libido could be a side effect, so maybe he can work with his doctor to try alternatives.

It also sounds like you might need to check in with a good marriage therapist. Is he willing to go with you? If not, go on your own.

too much missing info for any constructive response. For example...how long have you been together? Was it always like this? If not, what happened in the month before you noticed a drop off? Physically...are you both the same (someone didn't gain100#)?

The part that caught my attention was where you said "...while he lays there". Seems to me this would be a good place to start the search from.

"sex maybe four or five times a year and you want it several times a week?"

Let's hook him up with my wife.

Last year, I think we had once sex last summer...

wife_who_wants said:

Hello all! I've lurked the board before, but never posted. I'm married and I love sex. Unfortunately it's like pulling teeth to get my husband to have sex. When we do have sex he wants me to do all the work while he lays there.

I just recently read the book "the sex-starved wife" by Davis and cried my way through it. It was such a relief to know I wasn't the only one and that it wasn't something wrong with me.

Has anyone else experienced this? Read the book? I'd love to know people's thoughts on it. How do you cope when your spouse is happy to have sex maybe four or five times a year and you want it several times a week?

Thanks!
WWW

(Note, I originally posted this on the general board, but was told I'd get a more appropriate response here. Thanks!)

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Had the same reaction to Davis' Sex starved marriage. Same problem just reversed roles. My wife never thinks of sex. I think of little else. Frequency went from many times a day (dating), a few times a week (engaged), monthly (newlywed), quarterly (presently). Tried many things to no avail and really have given up. Wish I could encourage you that things will get better but I've never seen it happen.

I thought I was dealing with a low-libido spouse until I found out it was because he was screwing his work partner's girlfriend.

SweetErika said:

Has your husband talked to his doctor about his low libido?

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Exactly what I was wondering.

qrayze said:

I thought I was dealing with a low-libido spouse until I found out it was because he was screwing his work partner's girlfriend.

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A friend of mine is going through a divorce right now for this reason. She and her husband hadn't had sex for almost five years (they also lost a newborn right around that same time, unfortunately ), and it wasn't because she wasn't willing to have sex or hadn't tried to initiate. Turns out he was screwing someone else for most of that time.

As someone who wasn't interested in sex in the last two years of my first marriage, I have to say that my lack of interest had little to do with the sex itself. The bigger issue was that my ex and I weren't communicating effectively WRT nonsexual relationship issues and resentments. Just a thought.

fgarvb1 said:

Last year, I think we had once sex last summer...

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I'm pretty certain that treatment of this sort is a direct violation of the Geneva Conventions.

greenjacobin said:

I'm pretty certain that treatment of this sort is a direct violation of the Geneva Conventions.

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Well I don't think much of it!

Someone mention above about her going to the doctor about it.

HA!

She doesn't see it as HER problem.

and in a way I guess it is my problem ...I just don't like any of the solutions

If you haven't already, I'd suggest that you take a look at the iVillage forums. There is one for Mistmatched Libidos. There are plenty of women as well as men there in your situation.

The census (at the village forum) is that a man's libido isn't likely to increase, except maybe for a few rare medical circumstances. A woman's libido may vary a bit (up and down) over the years due to hormones, but a man's libido is usually fixed, though it will often decline over the years (some more than others). There are LOTS of sad stories there of couples who love each other dearly, but have a dreadful mismatch in this area of their life. Sex just isn't important to them, and their low libido tends to be fragile, and it doesn't take much to quash it. For us with high libidos, we can have a raging fever and a broken leg, and we'll still want sex.

I'm generally optimistic about most things, but I really wouldn't expect him to change very much. I hate to sound pessimistic, but it may be easier to accept it now, rather than to build resentment if you keep hoping and waiting for him to change. The worst stories that I've read at ivillage are the ones where the spouse lives in denial for years, and finally sees the reality after they have children. By then, they are bitter and resentful and feel trapped in the relationship because of their commitment to their children. You may need to decide now whether you can happily accept this as your relationship, or whether it would be best to cut your losses and move on.

Thank you all for your replies. In all honesty, I haven't really discussed it with him. (Actually, about the only place I've felt comfortable discussing it is here on an anonymous board specifically devoted to sexual conversation!)

Even after reading that book I'd kind of assumed nothing would change, that it would always be an issue. He's not, hmm... how to put it? He's not comfortable with doctors. I guess I was mostly looking for coping strategies. What do you do to keep from going crazy with wanting sex?

For the record, the other aspects of our relationship are strong enough that I'm willing to accept that this is just something I won't get from him. We've been together about 13 years. We've never had lots of sex, but it went from a couple times a month to now a couple times a year over the last few years.

I also will not cheat. Not that there's anything wrong with open couples, etc, but that's just not part of who my husband and I are. I do masturbate, but that's kind of like getting bread and water when you want steak and potatoes. I was hoping that there was maybe something that people did that made it easier to deal with having less sex than you want.

Again, thank you *all* for your suggestions and comments. I may just have to work up the courage and try and discuss it with him. We'll see what happens.

Sincerely,
WWW

wife_who_wants said:

I do masturbate, but that's kind of like getting bread and water when you want steak and potatoes.

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Do you have some good toys? It's still bread and water, but at least it's GOOD bread and bottled water.

It's an issue that so many of us cope with in one or another. My sense is that it is not always about "mismatched libidos"; sometimes it is just about losing interest in your spouse - there is a lot of baggage in a marriage and sometimes it isn't easy to overcome and be intimate with the woman/man you love but who just fought with the other day, knowing exactly how to push their buttons...

That being said, short of an adultrous affair, there are some ways of coping that may push the envelope a bit. One is to find an online lover - to either roleplay with some, have some cam fun, find a way to connect with someone from a distance that allows you to find some release and explore your passionate side.

Another mechanism, one I developed when things went sour in my own marriage, is to write stories for literorica! imagine all those wild times that you are missing out on and put them to paper. Explore your fantasies by sharing them with others.

Obviously, no solution beats working things out between the two of you and rekindling the flame - though i think it is often a bit naive to think that that path is so easily achievable. A doctor may help, but it all depends on where the problem lies...

Good luck!

www, i really think you should consider discussing the matter openly with him when you can both talk. i'm talking about both of you blocking out 2-3 hours so that you're both uninterrupted.

i can't help wondering if the drop-off in sex correlates to any children you might have together. a lot of men apparently really struggle with the idea of their wives also being mothers.

ed

wife_who_wants said:

Hello all! I've lurked the board before, but never posted. I'm married and I love sex. Unfortunately it's like pulling teeth to get my husband to have sex. When we do have sex he wants me to do all the work while he lays there.

I just recently read the book "the sex-starved wife" by Davis and cried my way through it. It was such a relief to know I wasn't the only one and that it wasn't something wrong with me.

Has anyone else experienced this? Read the book? I'd love to know people's thoughts on it. How do you cope when your spouse is happy to have sex maybe four or five times a year and you want it several times a week?

Thanks!
WWW

(Note, I originally posted this on the general board, but was told I'd get a more appropriate response here. Thanks!)

Click to expand...

I know this has been suggested by others, but have you suggested to him that he see a doctor for a check-up. He could have a chemical or hormonal imbalance that could be indicative of a more serious health problem.

Is there anything about his behavior to suggest that he might be gay? I have a friend who spent years in anguish and therapy thinking that the mismatch in libido was her fault only to find that her husband had been having a long term relationship with a male co-worker.

I think you are making a big mistake by just running up the white flag and asking for advice on how to deal with it. This is extremely unusual for a guy. Has he been on any medication or does he have any physical or mental health issues which could be affecting his libido? This is probably not it, but are you actually good in bed or sexy? Like I said, from the sound of your post this is probably not the problem but if he is bored then maybe he isn't interested. Most all men are very visual. Wear sexy clothes, go to places where women tend to look hotter sexually, watch movies you know will have sexy scenes in them. Try to slip porn on him. Manipulate places you go and things you do so that he is barraged with visual images of sex or the hint of sex. Any man who can still get it up, will start thinking about it more and more. Good luck.

wife_who_wants said:

Thank you all for your replies. In all honesty, I haven't really discussed it with him. (Actually, about the only place I've felt comfortable discussing it is here on an anonymous board specifically devoted to sexual conversation!)

Even after reading that book I'd kind of assumed nothing would change, that it would always be an issue. He's not, hmm... how to put it? He's not comfortable with doctors. I guess I was mostly looking for coping strategies. What do you do to keep from going crazy with wanting sex?

For the record, the other aspects of our relationship are strong enough that I'm willing to accept that this is just something I won't get from him. We've been together about 13 years. We've never had lots of sex, but it went from a couple times a month to now a couple times a year over the last few years.

I also will not cheat. Not that there's anything wrong with open couples, etc, but that's just not part of who my husband and I are. I do masturbate, but that's kind of like getting bread and water when you want steak and potatoes. I was hoping that there was maybe something that people did that made it easier to deal with having less sex than you want.

Again, thank you *all* for your suggestions and comments. I may just have to work up the courage and try and discuss it with him. We'll see what happens.

Sincerely,
WWW

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If you want some kind of solution, you're going to have to talk with him about it. You've been together for 13 years and you say your relationship is strong in other areas, so you must have enough love, trust, respect and communication going on for that to happen. Also, wouldn't you want him to talk with you if something was really bothering him? I certainly want my husband to bring anything that's causing him hardship up, if nothing else because I love him and don't want him to feel stressed or go through any kind of pain alone. As friends and spouses, I think it's our duty to share and work towards solutions together.

You also said he doesn't like doctors. Most people don't. But would he rather get checked out, or have you really struggle with this and hurt your relationship? What's worse, doctors or an unhappy marriage or divorce down the line?

subwannabe said:

I think you are making a big mistake by just running up the white flag and asking for advice on how to deal with it. This is extremely unusual for a guy. Has he been on any medication or does he have any physical or mental health issues which could be affecting his libido? This is probably not it, but are you actually good in bed or sexy? Like I said, from the sound of your post this is probably not the problem but if he is bored then maybe he isn't interested. Most all men are very visual. Wear sexy clothes, go to places where women tend to look hotter sexually, watch movies you know will have sexy scenes in them. Try to slip porn on him. Manipulate places you go and things you do so that he is barraged with visual images of sex or the hint of sex. Any man who can still get it up, will start thinking about it more and more. Good luck.

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They only had sex a couple a times a month when everything was new and exciting. There's something else going on here that no amount of lingerie or porn will fix. They need to talk, rule out physical causes, then get into the psychological stuff (trauma, sexuality, etc.), if necessary. You can't expect a bandaid to fix a major wound.

subwannabe said:

I think you are making a big mistake by just running up the white flag and asking for advice on how to deal with it. This is extremely unusual for a guy. Has he been on any medication or does he have any physical or mental health issues which could be affecting his libido? This is probably not it, but are you actually good in bed or sexy? Like I said, from the sound of your post this is probably not the problem but if he is bored then maybe he isn't interested. Most all men are very visual. Wear sexy clothes, go to places where women tend to look hotter sexually, watch movies you know will have sexy scenes in them. Try to slip porn on him. Manipulate places you go and things you do so that he is barraged with visual images of sex or the hint of sex. Any man who can still get it up, will start thinking about it more and more. Good luck.

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sub~...Your statement that "this is extremely unusual for a guy" is not quite right. I too struggle with this issue, and have read Davis' books. The stereotype is that all men are highly sexual, which makes it even harder for men who are not to admit to it. It's the best kept secret of marital sex. LOTS of husbands/male partners have low libidos but no one talks about it. The wife always blames herself, and often so do others. Others assume she must be not dressing sexy enough, or doing enough for him to get him turned on. This simply is not true. I know a few women, including myself who have tried EVERYTHING to get our men interested.

Often women keep it a secret to save her man's delicate ego, and to save face on the relationship.

My point is, this is more common than most people know, and she can be a gorgeous knockout, and if he's not interested, he's not interested.

J did it work long term? I had a similar confrontation with my wife, went to counseling, had things improve (very briefly), and now find myself right back to where I was. Do I start this circle all over or not bother? I know, its not a question you can answer but its the one that's nagging me. I hope things are still going well for you. I'd like to think it works out for some even if it isn't working for me.

been there, done that

I've been married over 40 years. Fifteen years ago my wife lost all interest in sex. We talked endlessly, saw doctors and counselors but nothing changed. The problem is part medical and part psychological. It became obvious that nothing could rekindle what we once had between us. About 5 years ago I decided that just because she was starving herself ,didn't mean I had to stop eating too. I began looking for a woman in a situation similar to mine who wanted passion back in her life. I found that woman several years ago and both of us are much happier people now. I'm very discreet and keep this part of my life to myself, but its added a whole new perspective to my life. Its not perfect, but its a big improvement over what I had before.