My first story - feedback needed.

My first story - feedback appreciated.

I published my first story a few days back and would appreciate any further feedback.

Here's the link -
http://www.literotica.com/s/things-need-to-change-ch-01

P.S : It is a BDSM - femdom story and might not be to everyone's taste. I am currently working on Part 2 of the story.

* These notes are my opinions as I read

* Not a good opening. Ignoring my issue with the comma the sentence does not grab me. Why should I keep reading about a post dinner discussion... on second thought, I could be wrong.

* Nope, I do not like the opening. Instead of opening with character descriptions maybe you could issue every reader with Character Sheets. Or better, you could work the character descriptions into the narrative of the plot. I suppose you did keep the character exposition dump short and neat.

* I do not like measurements in fiction (of course there are exceptions). Instead you should try to evoke the imagination with comparisons when you can.

* I do not like the word exclaim. It's probably because I have never had the chance to use the word in a spoken sentence. "Hey, look at her exclaiming!" See, it doesn't work. Ignore this note.

* your are good at Dialogue

* a few minor punctuation & capitalisation errors. Don't worry, the errors are few enough in frequency to ignore.

* That's a sudden/random way to escalate the story tension, but whatever, I'll roll with it.

* WTF! Where is the rest of the story? You have a promising story beginning and then you -

* Does this mean the next chapter will be wall-to-wall femdom? Don't, you know there will be no balance doing that. Include this section with the next part of the story and ask the webmaster to delete this story in the submission-notes-box. Read "How to Write a Story That Sells": it's a brilliant book which explains pacing and segmentation sizing (from paragraphs, to chapter size to book lengths AND WHY YOU SHOULD).

* I don't know Femdom. Is your character going to show any resistance to Becky's domination or will he just take it all. Mental or physical restraints? Does he fear for his safety?

* Good Job

I read the story and I think it's all right for what it is. The mechanics are generally all right but there were some errors such as a quick switch to present tense (has instead of had), that another set of eyes might have caught. But let me also say there weren't too many and I realize it can be hard to find an editor.

I agree that the info -- height, etc. -- was an information dump and hence dull. Nothing inherently wrong with using the measurements but it might have helped to dole out the information as you go along, as opposed to putting it all in those one or two graphs.

Becky's move to dominate does seem abrupt. I know this is a short story but there's no indication she has this in her, nor that our narrator was attracted to any dominant elements of her personality. It seems you're trying to establish that after the fact, by having the aside where John says he'd always known he was a submissive and fantasized about it. I wonder if the flow might be improved if we see more of that before Becky's ultimatum.

I generally agree with litmllove and would add just a couple of things.

I recommend starting off with some dialogue before they get in the car. It would give the protagonist the opportunity to look at Becky, perhaps move a strand of her blonde hair, sneak an appreciative glance at her cleavage. You could communicate the idea that she's smaller and busty without giving the "34D" or exact heights. A little banter between them could establish her bubbly persona.

As we drove back home chatting suddenly a car swerved directly into our lane

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Recommend cutting the "suddenly." The action makes it pretty clear that it didn't happen at a leisurely pace.

An expression of shock came over my face as I opened the door.

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Written this way, it seems more like something another character would see happen.

"Becky?" I exclaimed, shocked at the transition.

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To me, "the transition" is more about the process. I think perhaps "her transformation" would work better.

She pulls a chair in front of her and summons him, but I wasn't sure if he had sat down until she grabbed his shirt. Then, he's looking down, lost for words, and there's no discernable change in his posture, yet he sees her gesture for him to be silent. There's a real chance to add a little detail here. What does he focus on when he looks down? What is her expression when he does look back up? Does she force him to look up and maintain eye contact?

I also think that the need to be submissive needs to come as more of a revelation for the character, perhaps with some sense that it had always been there but buried -- something he had struggled with and denied even to himself.

A smile came across Becky as she saw me walk in with the purse.

"That was quick." She said with a smile as she summoned me pointing me to her feet.

I slowly knelt down at her feet

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Here, get rid of one instance of "smile" and one reference to her feet. Also, I think it would work better to switch that first sentence so the cause (him walking in with the purse) precedes the effect (her smile).

Finally, your allusions to Linda, the boss, are a promise to readers that she will play some part in this before the story ends.

Overall, good first effort.

You had three chances to start the story off with a bang. 1)The actual bang into the back of the other car. 2)when she scratches the back of his hand. 3)When she finally calls him a worthless pussy. All of these were excellent opportunities to get your readers attention. Work the descriptions of your characters into the story, We don't need heighths except for comparison and we DO NOT need cup size for any reason. Does the average reader even know what a cup size is?

I had spoken to her about my bullied past and she had always been supportive urging me to forget about the past and stand up to any future intimidation. There had been instances during our relationship when I had chickened out of situations but she had always supported me. This time she didn't look like she was in a forgiving mood.

This paragraph should hint she has always been exasperated at his weakness, always been inherently stronger, always started to, or wanted to dominate, but stifled her urges. Also, many times a person's wish to be dominated in and around the sexual act has nothing to do with the rest of their life. e. g. Generals and CEOs who employ doms in their sex lives.


"A sissy, that's what you are John, a big sissy," she hissed as she started the engine.(should be pussy!)

(For)The next five minutes, we drove in complete silence. Once home, I quietly followed her as she kicked off her shoes, heading straight to the bedroom. Realizing I would be stupid to follow her there, I went quietly to the living room still wondering if this was the end.(of our marriage?, our relationship?, our lives?

************
YOU need an editor.

As my alarm went off in the morning I realised that I had dozed off on the sofa. I quickly got (Does he always have his alarm by the sofa? ) ready and headed for office making sure (tense change) I don't run into Becky. I could hardly concentrate and by afternoon I decided to leave early. But there was one problem, my manager from hell, Linda. Linda took pleasure in making people grovel before her. One of her many rules involved seeking her permission before leaving early from office. She usually didn't ask any more than "Why?" but the effect she had on most of us, left us tongue-tied. She wasn't in office now and after deliberating for a good hour, I finally gathered enough courage to drop her an email and leave. (don't all bosses require permission and reasons before leaving the office early? If she is going to be a character in the story later, we need to have her be a bit more unreasonable than that! a scene of her making him grovel before leaving would have been great, also establishing his character and hers. showingg instead of telling.)

Take everything I say with a grain of salt 'coz most of the time, I'm muddling through my own work. My thoughts as I read your story:

> Running thoughts in a single, enormous sentence is bad. You do that in the opening of your story, which is worse. The opening paragraph should be engaging, and your's fell a bit short of decent.

As we got into the car, we were still discussing the wonderful dinner we had at the local Italian restaurant. We had met through a common friend and although it was not love at first sight, our relationship had blossomed over the past two years and despite the usual ups and downs, we were a steady pair.

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IMO, it should've been written like this:

The dinner at the Italian restaurant was so wonderful that we ended up taking the discussion outside into our car.

I met Becky through a common friend. It wasn't love at first sight, but our relationship blossomed well over the past two years. Despite the few ups and downs, we were still a steady pair.

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Notice that I introduced your characters in the beginning, instead of using 'We'.

I removed the excess of 'and's and cut down the longer sentences into shorter ones. Also, I used an active narration for the opening line of your story to give it a bit of momentum as compared to your passive style.

Try to hit the farthest with your opening line. It's the only thing that stops/compels most readers from hitting the back button on their browsers.

Enough, on we go ahead!

> I think your story reads good enough after the beginnings. I won't hound you much for the grammar because there weren't many obviously glaring mistakes. It was decently put.

> I like a BDSM story where feelings and emotions are gradually developed, especially for a first timer who is about to experience being a sub. You totally killed my interest with this line, and the para before.

To be true, I had always known I had been a submissive and had secretly fantasised about it.

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> I like the premise. It's more than decent, considering that this is your first submission. Not many authors write about sub-males, so it's good to see one here.

> Get a good editor. There are lots of volunteers, but few are really good. Be a judge, pick a good editor and stick with him/her throughout your series.

I hope that helped you in any way it could. Good luck with your future writing!

Bard.

That first example in Bard's critique doesn't have to be completely rewritten. Just drop the two "ands," and make it three sentences. It stays as your own wording and makes sense. You could even keep the second "and" and make it an independent clause compound sentence.

Editors don't need to (shouldn't) rewrite--just need to clean up while keeping the author's own voice as much as possible.

robertreams said:

"A sissy, that's what you are John, a big sissy," she hissed as she started the engine.(should be pussy!)

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Why?

Sissy is the word she is using, the author's word, why should it be pussy?

Because that is your opinion based on what you would say or write.

Personally? I would have called him a 'little bitch" but....that's what I would write.

Critiquing a word choice as far as what name to call someone is not editing its forcing your personal opinion on someone.

He wants to say sissy, he uses sissy.

lovecraft68 said:

Why?

Sissy is the word she is using, the author's word, why should it be pussy?

Because that is your opinion based on what you would say or write.

Personally? I would have called him a 'little bitch" but....that's what I would write.

Critiquing a word choice as far as what name to call someone is not editing its forcing your personal opinion on someone.

He wants to say sissy, he uses sissy.

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Youre right. And all the females I know say SISSY not PUSSY.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Youre right. And all the females I know say SISSY not PUSSY.

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It's called a SUGGESTION not an order. The author did not ask for orders from a supreme being but for suggestions from fellow writers. I SUGGESTED pussy because I thought it was a stronger word than sissy, which is what one little boy on the playground calls another. The author can look at my word and decide for him/her self whether or not they like it and then go ahead and write what they like. That's called feedback. That, I thought, is what we are doing here. Why don't you stick to helping the writer who is asking for help instead of trying to sound self-important by attacking me?

Also JBJ as usual, you are wrong. One of the diacritical marks used by an editor is (wc) it stands for word choice and is used when an editor wishes to suggest a different word to his writer. At any rate, we were not editing but suggesting. If I were editing this author, one thing is for sure. You would not have anything to do with it!

lovecraft. It was a mere suggestion, that's all.

robertreams said:

It's called a SUGGESTION not an order. The author did not ask for orders from a supreme being but for suggestions from fellow writers. I SUGGESTED pussy because I thought it was a stronger word than sissy, which is what one little boy on the playground calls another. The author can look at my word and decide for him/her self whether or not they like it and then go ahead and write what they like. That's called feedback. That, I thought, is what we are doing here. Why don't you stick to helping the writer who is asking for help instead of trying to sound self-important by attacking me?

Also JBJ as usual, you are wrong. One of the diacritical marks used by an editor is (wc) it stands for word choice and is used when an editor wishes to suggest a different word to his writer. At any rate, we were not editing but suggesting. If I were editing this author, one thing is for sure. You would not have anything to do with it!

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Is your name a noun or a verb?

robertreams said:

lovecraft. It was a mere suggestion, that's all.

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Look back at your post. You say should be pussy and you use an exclamation mark for emphasis.

That is not suggesting its insisting.

Maybe you need help with "wr" yourself

should means ought to, should is a suggestion. "Must be" would be an order. Has to be, whatever. Several other commenters suggested massive changes as their opinions, why should mine be picked out because I suggested a particular word. Others suggested whole passages be rewritten.

The exclamation point was put in the sentence by me, not you. It was meant to emphasize "pussy" not 'should'. Someone else can say What the Fuck, where is the ending, but I can't say 'should'? Bullshit. Go pick your nits elsewhere.

robertreams said:

Several other commenters suggested massive changes as their opinions, why should mine be picked out because I suggested a particular word.

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Because these forum assholes and bullies have a short list of posters they go after.

robertreams said:

should means ought to, should is a suggestion. "Must be" would be an order. Has to be, whatever. Several other commenters suggested massive changes as their opinions, why should mine be picked out because I suggested a particular word. Others suggested whole passages be rewritten.

The exclamation point was put in the sentence by me, not you. It was meant to emphasize "pussy" not 'should'. Someone else can say What the Fuck, where is the ending, but I can't say 'should'? Bullshit. Go pick your nits elsewhere.

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Take it like a pussy and STFU.

You can relax on my posting, James, when you get around to reading it. I wasn't thinking much of you in posting that. You'll attack anybody and everybody.

Thanks all for the feedback!! Appreciated a lot and will definitely try to incorporate in the coming chapters. I did have an editor who helped me a lot with the grammar but after a few iterations I couldn't figure out which sentences were going wrong. @Pennlady Yes, I do agree that the change is a bit abrupt. Probably I rushed through the middle stages a bit. Will try to improve.

Thanks @robertreams, I especially liked the suggestion of him groveling before Linda to leave early. Might consider editing the story if time permits. Thanks @litmlove @Combat323 @The Soulful Bard @sr71plt for the suggestions, much appreciated. Thanks all for your comments. Am still working on Chapter 2, hopefully someone among you will be willing to edit it. Thanks again!!

sr71plt said:

You can relax on my posting, James, when you get around to reading it. I wasn't thinking much of you in posting that. You'll attack anybody and everybody.

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^^^^^Our resident tranny...transitioning from old fuck with numb nutz to old fuck with Depends.

robertreams said:

Bullshit. Go pick your nits elsewhere.

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See how that feels?

Point made.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Take it like a pussy and STFU.

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Pussy should be sissy!

LOL now look who is Insisting.