Feedback on my stories appreciated

Hi, I'm a self-published sci-fi/fantasy author who managed to claw his way to nearly 400 sales of his uber niche work and get a small following before I quit because I was tired of flushing money down the toilet. This is important as I'm a writer who has his own distinct style, but after years of people telling me to write erotica, I've finally bit the bullet and am trying it, honing my craft here before attempting to sell it.

This is my first story, a cyberpunk story called A Sick World:
http://www.literotica.com/s/a-sick-world

Even though initial votes are all five stars, I would be nice to have thorough feedback on my story. What I did right, what I did wrong ect.

I currently have another story in queue and will post that here when it is up.

Thanks in advance.

Hi. I just read your story. I thought it was pretty well done, you had a noir/cyberpunk theme going. I think it needed a bit more depth, though; you had a guy like Sam Spade, the requisite pretty dame, and a lot of rain. Except for the net access ports in their necks, it could have been set in the 1940s. The world is okay but not too different from something like "Blade Runner."

Also, I'm sorry but I had to laugh -- Megabyte Bar was kind of funny. Especially today when so many things are in gigabytes and even terrabytes. It just didn't seem like the name of a place in a story like that.

Your characters were fine but were more types than characters, perhaps because of the length of the story. There wasn't much there to hold on to or relate to with the characters.

And here's a slight digression, but this came to mind. Why is there an actual physical switch to be toggled? Is there bluetooth? No virtual switch to move into position? Presumably rapists wouldn't be the only ones who'd want to disable a person's ability to contact the cops, right? So if this tech has been around, I'm thinking people would have noticed this to be a problem and it would have been fixed, either by finding different spots for the switch or eliminating it entirely.

Back to the story, I think you could cut out some adverbs. For example: "His clothes were as equally soaked as his coat." There was no need for the "equally."

He was soaked to the bone.
Water had soaked through his coat and clothes down to his socks.
His coat wasn't up to the job, and he was soaked through.

All of those get the idea across.

"The woman casually looked at him." Casually doesn't seem the right word since they're the only two in the bar. She could give him a once-over, flick her eyes over him, something like that.

Hope that helps.

PennLady said:

Hope that helps.

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It was very helpful. You don't know how hard thorough honest feedback is to get sometimes. Thank you.

I too, felt the Sam Spade connection and liked it. On the other hand it gave the whole thing a kind of tongue-in-cheek quality as if to say: Don't take this seriously. Even that is okay , if it is what you intended. It bothered me throughout the story that the name of the corporation and its tower were not capitalized. Most of your sentences go: "he held her in place and". . . "He put on his coat and. . ."

People will probably tell you I always harp on the overuse of "and", but that is because 'and' is in a tie with 'that' for the most overused word. Do a find and replace. You will be astonished. Consider using gerunds or participles: "Grabbing his coat, he headed out the door," at least half the time. You are a fine writer, I merely wanted to point out a few things I look for when I proof my own work, or edit others'. Also no need to use 'and' before every 'then'.

Noir is my thing.

Your story reminds me of Dashiell Hammett before his CONTINENTAL OP came along; that is, your style is early Hammett but I don't get a sense of the times your story is set in. Most noir writers date their stories in some form or fashion. Hammett's THE SCORCHED PHOTO is set at the dawn of the Roaring 20s and you get a real feel for 1920-21 when women were busting out of the Victorian mold yet still hyper-sensitive to reputation. No Flapper would give a shit about reputation, and no Victorian would own her own car and go off without a chaperone. His gals attend orgies then kill themselves when theyre found out. You see the same behavior in Hemingways early stories.

Your story is a 3 at most but you have promise once youre state of the art.

PennLady said:

"A highly attractive brunette..." First, highly-attractive should be hyphenated. Or you could go with something like "gorgeous."

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Tilt. No combination of adverb ending in "ly" plus a participle or adjective ending takes a hyphen. No reason for it as far as I know, but it's the way it is. (Chicago Manual of Style, 7.85.2). Whenever to see an "ly" ending in this combination, leave it open. One of the most common mistakes in writing.

sr71plt said:

Tilt. No combination of adverb ending in "ly" plus a participle or adjective ending takes a hyphen. No reason for it as far as I know, but it's the way it is. (Chicago Manual of Style, 7.85.2). Whenever to see an "ly" ending in this combination, leave it open. One of the most common mistakes in writing.

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Thanks. I take it back then. And I feel like I should have known that; brain glitch I guess.

www.literotica.com/s/the-hidden-chamber-1

And here is my other one, The Hidden Chamber. Its shorter with more more sex and less story than A sick world, but that's intentional, as I wanted to post 2 different kinds of stories to see which people liked more. It currently has a 3.75 rating, which is about where I'd place it.
So more story focused stuff it is!

This was fine, although it seemed there were more errors, technically speaking, than in "A Sick World."

Again there should have been some hyphenated adjectives, such as "eighteen-year-old." You switched tenses a couple of times, going from past to present and back again, i.e., "Limona *has* emerald eyes... Bellara *had* jade eyes."

Are trolls prettier than the elves? Just curious, as that's not the usual case in fantasy stories. You write that they were "absolutely stunning" compared to similar races "except the trolls." So I was wondering.

The sex was fine; it didn't do much for me, but that's just me. I'm sure others will love it.

PennLady said:

This was fine, although it seemed there were more errors, technically speaking, than in "A Sick World."

Again there should have been some hyphenated adjectives, such as "eighteen-year-old." You switched tenses a couple of times, going from past to present and back again, i.e., "Limona *has* emerald eyes... Bellara *had* jade eyes."

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I'm going to go for a volunteer editor next time. Doing it myself has mixed results obviously. It sucks you can't go back and make changes post acceptance but there are reasons for that I guess.

Are trolls prettier than the elves? Just curious, as that's not the usual case in fantasy stories. You write that they were "absolutely stunning" compared to similar races "except the trolls." So I was wondering.

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You'll have to wait and find out

Stick to noir.

CyberSeducer989 said:

I'm going to go for a volunteer editor next time. Doing it myself has mixed results obviously. It sucks you can't go back and make changes post acceptance but there are reasons for that I guess.

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For an editor, I suggest you go to the Editor's Hangout and check the sticky to see who's available this month. Going to the volunteer editor list is a shot in the dark, to say the least. At least with the sticky you know the people are on there are active members and perhaps more likely to respond to a request.

And you can make changes post-posting. Make your changes, and then go to your submissions page. Submit as usual, but in the title, enter the title and add "EDIT" or "EDITED" at the end, and put a note in the Notes field to alert Laurel. It will still take a couple of days, as a regular story but the changes will show up.

CyberSeducer989 said:

You'll have to wait and find out

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I have to be honest, I'm not that curious. The story was fine for what it was, but I am not interested enough to read more. Nubile, goofy 18yo females do not particularly interest me, so I doubt I'll be reading more of this.

But if you have more of the story to tell, go for it and good luck.

Your story is awesome, I like it, thanks for show us!

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