First Story

Been up a week, I thought I would ask if you enjoyed the first part of my little autobiographical strand.
http://www.literotica.com/s/how-i-became-an-escort-pt-01

EbonyBelle said:

Been up a week, I thought I would ask if you enjoyed the first part of my little autobiographical strand.
http://www.literotica.com/s/how-i-became-an-escort-pt-01

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Two caveats -- 1) I haven't read the whole piece yet, and 2) I'm approaching this with my "tech editor" hat on.

Okay, my reaction: I look at the first couple screens and just find little motivation to read on, because the story starts with big blocky paragraphs of TELLING, not showing, not talking. I could stand the TELLING if it was broken down into more manageable chunks. Here is how I might format and punctuate your first two long paragraphs [bracketed boldface indicates deletions]:
____________________________________

The first thing to say is that this story is called 'How I...' not 'Why I...'. The why is not a long story. I did for the adventure.

[At the time] I had just hit 30. I had a good job in an office but there wasn't much chance of promotion. I was single and loving it. I went on dates and did have sexual relationships, but nothing long term. That isn't to say that I was promiscuous. In fact, more of my dates were left disappointed than those who made it to my bed.

Physically, I'm tall and slender, but I have curvy hips and a bust to match. I also have flawless dark skin and shoulder length hair. I'm a good-looking package all round, if I do say so myself.

I [had started to get] got into Internet dating with the aim of meeting people for fun, both in and out of the bedroom. It was fun, but at the same time, it could be a little frustrating. I wasn't really getting my sense of adventure satisfied.

Then one day I stumbled onto a website that listed escorts. At that time I didn't know that more refined, high-class escorts existed. I only knew about street prostitution -- but this website piqued my curiosity. I found myself looking at the listings of the women, and at their websites. [finding that] Most of them were women a lot like me. I found myself thinking that instead of the dating sites, I could do this and be paid for it.
__________________________________

It's about rhythm. I personally find that big blocky paragraphs stuffed with multiple subjects just have a hostile rhythm, and I'm not inclined to read stories for pleasure when the rhythm does not engage me. It may be a quite entertaining story -- but not for me. Maybe I'm spoiled.

Thank you for the input, I have to say personally when I have read stories on here I prefer longer paragraphs as the short short ones always put me in mind of William Shatner's speech patten. However I will take your suggestions on board and try to find more of a rhythm for future stories. I think part of the problem here was getting a lot of background over is a short space, I edited down quite a bit, so it may be that the later sections scan better.

EbonyBelle said:

Thank you for the input, I have to say personally when I have read stories on here I prefer longer paragraphs as the short short ones always put me in mind of William Shatner's speech patten. However I will take your suggestions on board and try to find more of a rhythm for future stories. I think part of the problem here was getting a lot of background over is a short space, I edited down quite a bit, so it may be that the later sections scan better.

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Fiction needs a mix, else it becomes boring.

One method of exposition, ie feeding background to the reader, is to embed it in conversation, rather like old Greek philosophical dialogues. Instead of the narrator just writing "I'm like this; then this happened, and then that," I provide a foil to ask questions and insert comments. In one series, my narrator hangs periodically with a cousin at his L.A. apartment-block's swimming pool. They sit and drink beer, shoot the shit -- and fill in the background that would otherwise be a dull history lesson.

As for speech patterns: Some people DO talk like Bill Shatner. Or Mickey Spillane. Or Ernest Hemingway. Brief, to the point of rudeness, even.

And some people DO speak and write immensely long run-on sentences, with many connectives, and unrelated clauses, and that never really arrive anywhere -- and isn't that just like how that annoying neighbor, who never stops to catch a breath, talks and talks, like they're always up on too much caffeine, and their breath really stinks of old stale coffee, so you have to turn away to avoid inhaling, and then their cats rubs against you and sheds layers and layers of fur and maybe tapeworm segments and... et fucking cetera.

Good writing rhythm means balancing length and content in a piece's structure. Some sentences: brief and pungent. Others: longer, more inclusive, conveying a necessary stream of complexity and connection, like a rich show of word-pictures.

Don't believe me. Study successful writing -- fiction, reporting, whatever. Note how pieces and paragraphs and sentences are structured. Then plagiarize, being careful of course to always call it 'research'. (A tip of the hat to Tom Lehrer.)

IMHO the writer's goal should be CLARITY. Blocky paragraphs and run-on phrasings, especially those containing not-closely-related ideas, aren't clear. And most readers won't stick with unclear writing. If the opening paragraph or three doesn't grab their eyeballs, they're gone.

EbonyBelle said:

Thank you for the input, I have to say personally when I have read stories on here I prefer longer paragraphs as the short short ones always put me in mind of William Shatner's speech patten. However I will take your suggestions on board and try to find more of a rhythm for future stories. I think part of the problem here was getting a lot of background over is a short space, I edited down quite a bit, so it may be that the later sections scan better.

Click to expand...

A short paragraph doesn't have to be staccato and clipped, it doesn't mean short sentences necessarily. There can be a good flow, and even long-ish sentences. But one thing to remember is that long paragraphs are tough to read on a computer monitor; too long and it starts to look like a block of gray, and people may click off.

For me, I found that your paragraphs -- and I'm talking strictly length here, not content -- bordered on too long a lot of the time. And as others have said, that's a bit of a problem because you tell the reader a lot.

I think the point is that not only don't paragraphs need to be composed for fiction as you were told to compose them in school (which was for essays mostly), but also that the needs of the computer is dictating that they need to be artificially chopped at some point to aid reading on the screen.

Personally, I like the intro. There are some errors of grammar and punctuation that I find troublesome. Here are a few examples:

" Joy was a little older than me..." Should be "..older than I..."

"I sort of felt like I was going to see Joy professionally AS I was meeting her in the apartment (delete "that") she used for clients rather than where she lived(PERIOD) ..."

"It's nice to finally meet you Belle." Proper names in dialogue must always be preceeded by a comma.

" We chatted for about half an hour(PERIOD) it was great to be able to talk to Joy..."

"Having the photos taken was a lot of fun(PERIOD) I got to Joy's at about ten in the morning..."

""Okay, well his name is Greg(PERIOD) he is someone I have seen before so I know he is safe."
In normal conversation, a person would say, "I've seen" and "he's safe."

I'm sorry if this seems picky, but some people are turned away from an otherwise enjoyable story by bad grammar and punctuation.

Kudos for spelling "piqued" correctly, instead of the "peeked" or "peaked" I too often see.

Hmm one thing, my story is not fiction but true. As for the grammar most of those were choices to reflect how I and other people actually speak. Others are more because written British English is less formal than American English. (If i reset my language to 'American' the spelling and grammar check would pick these up, but in 'British' it doesn't)

EbonyBelle said:

Hmm one thing, my story is not fiction but true. As for the grammar most of those were choices to reflect how I and other people actually speak. Others are more because written British English is less formal than American English. (If i reset my language to 'American' the spelling and grammar check would pick these up, but in 'British' it doesn't)

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Two things. First, 'fiction' does not mean 'lies'. Good fiction contains much truth; true stories may contain many lies. If you write a 'true' story but change the names, as Jack Keoruac did in most of his writings, the result is fiction. If you report on what you *think* your friends thought, it's fiction.

Second, the goal of a writer should be CLARITY. Can readers discern what you're saying? People often speak muddily. Listen to an unedited interview: filled with UMMs, UHs, ERs, coughs, and mumbles. If transcribed literally, you indeed render their speech -- but it may be less than clear.

Some editors advise that if you want to render a dialect or other unique voice, you should use slang and idioms and dialect AT THE BEGINNING but later shift to Standard. That way, you establish the character's voice, but then allow them to be understood.

Paragraph length & white space as writing tools

EbonyBelle said:

Thank you for the input, I have to say personally when I have read stories on here I prefer longer paragraphs as the short short ones always put me in mind of William Shatner's speech patten. However I will take your suggestions on board and try to find more of a rhythm for future stories. I think part of the problem here was getting a lot of background over is a short space, I edited down quite a bit, so it may be that the later sections scan better.

Click to expand...

A few observations:

Bravo for your first attempt, EB!

Bravo for the courage to solicit feedback in service to improved storytelling! (Your obvious intelligence and maturity should fend off mean-spirited criticism and malicious remarks about story content that can leave us Lit writers wondering why a reader would mount a soapbox in a story feedback post, whether in response to our own or others' stories.)

Bravo for erotic writing that takes readers into the characters' minds and not just their briefs and panties!

This has been an interesting string of mostly helpful criticism, and the topic of paragraph length is one I deal with in my own writing. There's a definite need for balance, and I sometimes find logical spots to split a long-ish paragraph. At times, a long paragraph just doesn't stand up to the show-don't-tell maxim, and I'll rewrite things to do more showing through characters' actions, motions, expressions, body language, and so on.

The one deadly sin with a long paragraph is to make it the place where intense action and climax (speaking both in the broad and in the strictly literotic sense) occur.

I recall some research done quite a while ago with readers connected to physiological response equipment (galvanic skin response, as I remember). The researchers wanted to gauge physiological differences when reading long passages compared to short passages (i.e., more white space on the page).

More intense emotional and physical engagement were indicated when readers saw more white space. I believe the researchers theorized that perhaps readers have become accustomed to such writing being the place in a story where something dramatic is happening, as in characters trading short exclamations in response to a dangerous situation.

On the other hand, a leisurely read in a longer paragraph suits itself nicely to certain parts in a story.

As for your two stories: Because they are biographical, there will necessarily be a good bit of first-person inner dialogue. That's just fine: inner-life struggles can be intriguing if told well.

I say you should continue, EB! While it would be easy to conclude from my own stories that I, as author, prefer tales of sexy, confident women who enjoy their sexuality, the reader in me also likes that kind of protagonist.

Your Belle deserves to share more of her encounters with Lit readers.

The first thing to say is that this story is called 'How I...' not 'Why I...'. The why is not a long story. I did for the adventure.

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I would rather read a story about 'Why I...'.

Having sex with strangers for money is an unusual 'adventure'. If you did it for the adrenaline rush and the possible danger, skydiving or bungee jumping would've satisfied those cravings. A backpacking trek across Asia would've been an adventure.

There's got to be more here, but I gather you don't want to really look into it.

On a personal level, I read the story and enjoyed it. The previous comments have some good advice. I agree with the recommendations to try tightening up the paragraph length and sentence length. It is not necessary to cut them to the bone, but to focus them concisely so that each is a complete and distinct piece of description or action. I would recommend the same for some of the sentences.

You may ultimately find that your voice is one of long sentences and paragraphs. That is fine, for some writers, it works and it is their natural flow. From an editorial standpoint, remember you have a great opportunity to play with style here and find what works best for you.

One editorial trick I can recommend is to read your work backwards. When you have finished the draft, start at the end and work toward the front. This will help you tighten the narrative flow and find those places where that flow is interrupted.

Good luck and keep writing!

Too many qualifiers, too much "that" learn to say things more directly, everything you say is nearly, almost, etc. Long blocky paragraphs are boring. Shorter, more concise sentences and paragraphs are more compelling, better for action, which you need more of.

One should never tell true stories. Base them on fact, write what you know, but make them true to life and believable but not actual life stories which are slow and boring. If you take the same two years to tell the story it took to live it, how bored would we be? In hindsight, motivation should be deeper and not so easily explained. When we live it, normally we do not examine motivation, etc, That is for late introspection and detail.