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Humor Thread

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Superman is cruising around the Earth, bored and on patrol, when he spies Wonder Woman laying on a naked on a secluded beach, sunbathing. He does a discreet fly-by, using his super-vision to scope her out. Liking what he sees, he does a second fly-by. After his third fly-by, he thinks Fuck it, I'm Superman. I bet I can fly down there, bust a nut with my super speed, and be back in the air before she even realizes what happened. And that's exactly what he does.

"What the hell was that?!" a shocked and surprised Wonder Woman yells out.

"I don't know, but it tore the hell out of my ass," replied her lover, the Invisible Man.
 
In Memoriam

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”


Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
 
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time,
he did pass away and the boys kept their promise..

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,
'No, dis'll neva do. ' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'
 
Five Dog Jokes:

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he can't come when you call him.

What do you all that same dog on a leash?
A real drag.

What do you call that same dog on your front door step?
Matt.

Or the name when you take your dog with no legs swimming?
Bob.

I managed to lose my poor legless dog. I took him to the mountains and told him, "Roll over." He's still rolling.
 
A young man asks his dad, "What's a pussy?"

Proud his son would be curious, Dad pulls out a mens magazine, opens the centerfold and draws a circle around the woman's pussy. "That, my son, is a pussy."

"Ah, and what about a bitch?"

"Everything outside that circle."
 
Golf Joke

Hank and Tom were talking in the bar. Hank said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
Hank smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"
 
Very Existential, this one.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it..'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'
 
Four nuns were attending a rugby game.

Three South African men were sitting directly behind them.

Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Bloemfontein. there are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, "I want to move to Witbank. there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy yelled, "I want to go to Rustenburg, there are only 25 nuns living there."

The Mother Superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet
and calm voice said,

"Why don't you go to hell ... there aren't any nuns there."
 
Eagle and the Mouse

An eagle is flying over a field and spots a field mouse. The eagle dives and scoops the field mouse up and into his mouth and down his gullet. The eagle starts to gain altitude, satisfied with his midday meal. At 5000 feet his stomach starts to hurt. At 10,000 feet the pain is making his eyes water. Finally the eagle can stand no more so he levels off at 15,000 feet and starts to bare down and take a crap. Out pops the head of the field mouse. The mouse looks around, "Hey Mack, how high up are we?" he asks. The eagle looks back at the mouse and says "About 15,000 feet." The mouse looks at the eagle and says, "You wouldn't shit me would you?"
 
The herd was divided between three bulls. The big, bad assed bull serviced two-thirds of the herd of cows. The medium sized, not quite as bad assed bull serviced most of the remaining third, while the young bull was left with just a couple cows to call his own.

Rumor makes it to the pasture that the farmer is planning on getting another bull. The big, bad assed bull snorts and says, "I'm not giving up any of mine." The medium sized bull says the same thing. And the young bull agrees what his is his.

When the new bull arrives, they see the biggest, baddest assed, meanest looking bull they've ever witnessed. The big bull changes his tune, saying, "Well, I suppose I could do with fewer."

The medium sized bull says, "Yeah, I've been meaning to cut back."

Meanwhile the third bull, the smaller, young one, begins snorting and looking as if he's going to charge the moment the huge bull is released in field.

"Are you crazy?" the other two ask him.

"No, I just want to make sure he knows I'm a bull!"
 
Trivial Pursuit


Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex.
What is it?
A. Skinny dipping.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. More women do this in the bathroom than men.
A. Wash their hands. Women: 80%, men: 55%.

Q. What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A. Gain weight.

Q. In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
A. Banana.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand.

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
A. Change their underwear.

Q. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A. A kiss.

Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A. Honey.

Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
A. Have a look in your medicine cabinet.

Q. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
A. Wear underwear.
 
Not So Dumb

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.
 
DG Hear said:
Not So Dumb

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.
Click to expand...

I think I prefer my version of this: http://www.literotica.com/p/crap-shooting-blonde
 
DG Hear said:
Cute, I got mine off of humorous jokes. Did you write that one yorself? Most of my jokes come from readers Digest or other joke sites.
DG
Click to expand...

I wrote the poem myself, but I got the idea from Playboy Party Jokes. Many of my poems were inspired by stories there. :)
 
The Diaper

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
 
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury.

I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him,
"You know, a good goat will do that."
 
524418_388005574575476_1676429497_n.jpg


Guess I fall into the "DANG" category.:D
 
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said....

Dew to thircumsthanthis bewondmy contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
 
A tough looking group of bikers were riding down this road when they saw a woman starting to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss. After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!!!"

The authorities think she may have been pushed.
 
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation. And every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 
The Right Diagnosis

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”


Years of Romance

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"
 
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