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Old 06-15-2018, 09:34 AM   #1
DandJ69
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Feedback for nudist beach/cuckold poem.

https://www.literotica.com/p/on-the-beach-50

I had a go at my first Ďeroticí poem recently.
As you will see, itís about a well hung man seducing a woman on a nudist beach, while her husband watches on.
Would love some feedback. Be as critical as you want, I donít offend easily.
Hopefully it may turn one or two of you on too!

Fyi it is quite graphic.

Last edited by DandJ69 : 06-15-2018 at 09:39 AM.
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Old 06-15-2018, 11:13 PM   #2
UnderYourSpell
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If you care to search it out there's a thread about hackneyed old cliches to avoid like the plague, when writing poetry, especially useful if all you can write is dirty ditties. Erotic poetry is something different entirely.
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Old 06-16-2018, 05:42 AM   #3
DandJ69
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Sure, I guess erotic poem wouldnít be the best way to describe it then. itís not really intended to be a serious piece, Itís more a naughty rhyme I guess. Just a bit of fun designed to get a few dicks hard.
Even if it conjures up a kinky image for one or two of the few people that read it, then it does what it was designed for.

Although i take on board your point about cliches and I am in the process of writing more serious stuff.

Sorry if it wasnít for you, I appreciate the feedback though!
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Old 06-16-2018, 05:55 PM   #4
UnderYourSpell
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DandJ69 View Post
Sure, I guess erotic poem wouldnít be the best way to describe it then. itís not really intended to be a serious piece, Itís more a naughty rhyme I guess. Just a bit of fun designed to get a few dicks hard.
Even if it conjures up a kinky image for one or two of the few people that read it, then it does what it was designed for.

Although i take on board your point about cliches and I am in the process of writing more serious stuff.

Sorry if it wasnít for you, I appreciate the feedback though!
i look forward to seeing your other stuff, I've written many dirty dittys myself, but I do try to stay away from cliches.
__________________
Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits
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Old 06-19-2018, 06:50 PM   #5
DandJ69
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A new one

https://www.literotica.com/p/the-door-18

This might be a little better!?!
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Old 06-19-2018, 11:24 PM   #6
UnderYourSpell
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DandJ69 View Post
https://www.literotica.com/p/the-door-18

This might be a little better!?!
A vast improvement and a good choice of subject. Now you might like look at using lines of the same metrical length if you're still going to write in rhyme. Yours are all over the place and make the reader trip up instead of having a smooth read, plus you have past tense and present in the same stanza. I thought at first you were describing the use of a sex toy, because you haven't fleshed out the other man........... made him a person.
__________________
Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits
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