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encouraging my partner to be Dom

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Victoria_theginger

Experienced
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Aug 8, 2018
Posts
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I am am a sub and very interested in learning more about BDSM anything. My partner is not naturally a dom but i think I am naturally sub.

Have any subs on here "pushed" they're partner to become dominant? I don't know how to encourage without leading and "topping"

Doms/Dommes do you also have any advice about this?
we are both quite new to all of it and excited to learn and experiment.
 
Victoria_theginger said:
I am am a sub and very interested in learning more about BDSM anything. My partner is not naturally a dom but i think I am naturally sub.

Have any subs on here "pushed" they're partner to become dominant? I don't know how to encourage without leading and "topping"

Doms/Dommes do you also have any advice about this?
we are both quite new to all of it and excited to learn and experiment.
Click to expand...

It likely won't work. For some reason, people seem to think I'm a Dom. I'm not. I'm not even into BDSM as a lifestyle but for occasional play, I like it. I can be somewhat of a switch but again, it's just play and only for certain things.

Any attempts at being a Dom. on my part have been bordering on if not full on comedy. It's just not something I can do with any degree of sincerity.

You can ask him to try but be prepared for a fail.
 
Jada59 said:
It likely won't work. For some reason, people seem to think I'm a Dom. I'm not. I'm not even into BDSM as a lifestyle but for occasional play, I like it. I can be somewhat of a switch but again, it's just play and only for certain things.

Any attempts at being a Dom. on my part have been bordering on if not full on comedy. It's just not something I can do with any degree of sincerity.

You can ask him to try but be prepared for a fail.
Click to expand...

well he has already succeeded a few times. just has trouble getting into and maintaining the mindset. we also only use it for play
 
not looking for our D/s dynamic to be in everyday life. i'm ok with it crossing over occasionally. but it staying primarily in sexual aspects of our life.
I want him to be more confidant (I know that comes with time and practice) Idk many more specifics than that. I don't even know all of what i/we do or don't like.
rn I feel like we need all the tips and advice we can get
 
cookiecat said:
What is your end goal? To have him be dominant in your day to day life? You mentioned it's been successful in play.

Could you describe more about what you envision??

Here are a couple of threads that talked a bit about similar issues:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1483161

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1482511
Click to expand...

As far as we understand about D/s we dont want it apart of everyday stuff. Idk how we would incorporate it without ppl around us figuring it out/thinking we act "off" as a couple.
 
I think you may already have the answer, enthusiasm and practice can go a long way. :)
 
Victoria_theginger said:
Have any subs on here "pushed" they're partner to become dominant? I don't know how to encourage without leading and "topping"
Click to expand...

The only way to do so would be through talking about what it is you're intetested in. You can't push someone to be something they aren't, or to do something they aren't interested in.

That being said, the art of compromise can be incredibly satisfying, if there are areas you can compromise on.
 
The only way this would work is if your partner truly is dominant within and it's more a case of encouraging them and bringing it out. If they are truly not, then your fighting against their natural personality and I can't see it ever truly working or being that fulfilling for you.
 
LetOffSomeSteam said:
The only way this would work is if your partner truly is dominant within and it's more a case of encouraging them and bringing it out. If they are truly not, then your fighting against their natural personality and I can't see it ever truly working or being that fulfilling for you.
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I'm on board with this ^ An interesting thing I've noticed about "subs" is that very often it is they who end up calling the shots...or in other words; being dominant. Trying to coerce or force someone to be more dominant is a good example of this behavior. However, I believe there is a certain kind of BDSM and D/s that can be termed "soft" or "light"...and that can be negotiated and played out as an act. But from my perch, one cannot make someone dominant if they are not hard wired to be dominant. It comes off as awkward and not as fulfilling as had been envisioned or hoped for.
 
I haven't read every post in this thread, but I've read some. The thing is, if you want him to be a dom and he doesn't have that desire, he's not going to be very good at it and he's eventually going to get very bored with it.

Now, you say he's already done it a couple of times? If he has difficulty getting into the mood, or state of mind, that's what I'm talking about. If he has trouble getting into the mind set or the mood, that's the desire I'm talking about.

If he's willing to go along with this, it's not going to hurt anything. If he enjoys trying, that's even better. But, you aren't going to be satisfied as much as you would be with someone who really has the desire to dominate.

But you say you are just into playing, not for a lifestyle. Still, he's going to have to be able to get into that mood any time you want to be submissive. It's going to be a comedy of errors.

If you are both OK with that, I see no problem. The issue is whether he's going to enjoy his role and how much of a chore it will be for him to get into that role. It's like me trying to be submissive to someone. I might be able to go through the motions, but I wouldn't enjoy it.

I might enjoy making my partner happy, but I would really rather have a partner that mirrors my own desires so we both can feed off of each other and experience satisfaction that way.
 
DVS said:
I haven't read every post in this thread, but I've read some. The thing is, if you want him to be a dom and he doesn't have that desire, he's not going to be very good at it and he's eventually going to get very bored with it.

Now, you say he's already done it a couple of times? If he has difficulty getting into the mood, or state of mind, that's what I'm talking about. If he has trouble getting into the mind set or the mood, that's the desire I'm talking about.

If he's willing to go along with this, it's not going to hurt anything. If he enjoys trying, that's even better. But, you aren't going to be satisfied as much as you would be with someone who really has the desire to dominate.

But you say you are just into playing, not for a lifestyle. Still, he's going to have to be able to get into that mood any time you want to be submissive. It's going to be a comedy of errors.

If you are both OK with that, I see no problem. The issue is whether he's going to enjoy his role and how much of a chore it will be for him to get into that role. It's like me trying to be submissive to someone. I might be able to go through the motions, but I wouldn't enjoy it.

I might enjoy making my partner happy, but I would really rather have a partner that mirrors my own desires so we both can feed off of each other and experience satisfaction that way.
Click to expand...

Exactly this. When I met my current in-charge guy, we'd already done a lot of talking online/over the phone, and he was pretty clear he wasn't really into inflicting pain, although he'd do it if the other person got off on it ... and I was pretty clear I didn't want him (or anyone) to do anything they weren't really into themselves just to make me happy.
Turns out he was wrong - there's something about our dynamic that means he totally gets off on hurting me in the good way (and trust me, I know he really is getting off on it). But it's been an extremely slow road - the first meeting it was just him wrapping my hair around his hand and pulling. I don't know that I would have pushed him myself ... if the few times you've played with a d/s dynamic hasn't really rocked his world, he's probably not wired for it. Not everyone is - I would have NEVER in a million years suggested anything like that with my husband. He is, if anything, mildly submissive himself. Doing anything on the d side of the equation wouldn't have worked for us at all.
 
KimGordon67 said:
Exactly this. When I met my current in-charge guy, we'd already done a lot of talking online/over the phone, and he was pretty clear he wasn't really into inflicting pain, although he'd do it if the other person got off on it ... and I was pretty clear I didn't want him (or anyone) to do anything they weren't really into themselves just to make me happy.
Turns out he was wrong - there's something about our dynamic that means he totally gets off on hurting me in the good way (and trust me, I know he really is getting off on it). But it's been an extremely slow road - the first meeting it was just him wrapping my hair around his hand and pulling. I don't know that I would have pushed him myself ... if the few times you've played with a d/s dynamic hasn't really rocked his world, he's probably not wired for it. Not everyone is - I would have NEVER in a million years suggested anything like that with my husband. He is, if anything, mildly submissive himself. Doing anything on the d side of the equation wouldn't have worked for us at all.
Click to expand...

You are correct in saying not everybody is into this sort of thing and I guess your husband isn't one...at least not in the way it would mirror your desires.
That's one of the things that happens in marriage, when our deeper sexual desires don't come out until later in life. Unfortunately, that's pretty common, and it can end up in divorce.

Someone's sexual appetite can come alive at the most inopportune times. And for some people, deeper sexual desires just don't interest them. I've known about my own desires since I was quite young, so it's difficult for me to understand someone like that.

But, now it sounds like you may have found someone who does fit into your own desires as a dom. I hope it continues to work out for you. It can become a deeply satisfying relationship.
 
I haven't really pushed my hubby. After one of our sessions he told me that he had had the most intense orgasm he could remember(it really was quite intense) so far he has been very excited. To try things one step at a time.
I asked him to try and he has our successes have been extremely satisfying for both of us.

I think part of it has to do with the fact that I'm the only hes been with. My preferences became his by proxy(sorta). Of course I didn't ask bout D/s stuff till just recently. I think I started slow with some light choking after we got comfortable with each other sexually. Built up from that. I almost never really enjoyed slow sex. Always wanted it hard and whatever came with it. We have always had open communication with each other.
We are both excited to keep going down this road together
 
DVS said:
You are correct in saying not everybody is into this sort of thing and I guess your husband isn't one...at least not in the way it would mirror your desires.
That's one of the things that happens in marriage, when our deeper sexual desires don't come out until later in life. Unfortunately, that's pretty common, and it can end up in divorce.

Someone's sexual appetite can come alive at the most inopportune times. And for some people, deeper sexual desires just don't interest them. I've known about my own desires since I was quite young, so it's difficult for me to understand someone like that.

But, now it sounds like you may have found someone who does fit into your own desires as a dom. I hope it continues to work out for you. It can become a deeply satisfying relationship.
Click to expand...

Interestingly, I don't think it's 'him' per se that fits that desire (if I even HAD that desire initially) - it's the dynamic of our relationship. He definitely wasn't looking for this when we met, but there's something about how we are together that makes the d/s equation almost inevitable. I don't know what it is ... other than that our particular brands of fucked-upedness happen to be very compatible in that way.
 
And that's all that matters

When you said, "We are both excited to keep going down this road together", that's really all that matters.

It might not be perfect every time. You may hit a bump and it's really bad. But if you are sharing it together, and enjoying the adventure, then overall it will be fulfilling.

If you find that it just doesn't work out, that's fine. Because you tried it together.

More couples could learn from the two of you. :)
 
lovethatmilk said:
When you said, "We are both excited to keep going down this road together", that's really all that matters.

It might not be perfect every time. You may hit a bump and it's really bad. But if you are sharing it together, and enjoying the adventure, then overall it will be fulfilling.

If you find that it just doesn't work out, that's fine. Because you tried it together.

More couples could learn from the two of you. :)
Click to expand...

Thanks!! It has been quite fulfilling. And we've only hit 2 small bumps so far.
 
Victoria_theginger said:
I haven't really pushed my hubby. After one of our sessions he told me that he had had the most intense orgasm he could remember(it really was quite intense) so far he has been very excited. To try things one step at a time.
I asked him to try and he has our successes have been extremely satisfying for both of us.

I think part of it has to do with the fact that I'm the only hes been with. My preferences became his by proxy(sorta). Of course I didn't ask bout D/s stuff till just recently. I think I started slow with some light choking after we got comfortable with each other sexually. Built up from that. I almost never really enjoyed slow sex. Always wanted it hard and whatever came with it. We have always had open communication with each other.
We are both excited to keep going down this road together
Click to expand...


Awesome!!!
 
Victoria_theginger said:
I am am a sub and very interested in learning more about BDSM anything. My partner is not naturally a dom but i think I am naturally sub.

Have any subs on here "pushed" they're partner to become dominant? I don't know how to encourage without leading and "topping"

Doms/Dommes do you also have any advice about this?
we are both quite new to all of it and excited to learn and experiment.
Click to expand...

I can only speak about D/s relationships from seeing pro-dommes (quite a lot) over the years. I’m not submissive but I enjoy playing the role and have always had a good time and so has the Domme. On more than one occasion I’ve been told “you’re not like my usual type of client.”

There is one lady, who I’ve seen many times, with whom I have a friendly relationship, in so far as one can have when you are paying for the privilege at infrequent intervals although we do email. Anyway she said to me “it’s impossible to describe the feeling you get when you tell someone to do something and no matter how humiliating or degrading it is they obey immediately without question.” If your partner doesn’t get that feeling then you have a problem.
 
Has anyone here ended a relationship because the person couldn't make that switch? Not fully outside of playtime. I mean regularly during it.
 
maja63 said:
Has anyone here ended a relationship because the person couldn't make that switch? Not fully outside of playtime. I mean regularly during it.
Click to expand...


I'm sure this has happened more than once, or someone has stayed with their partner or spouse, and a vanilla sex life, just to save the relationship or marriage.

I have not gone forward with a relationship, because the person I was interested in said she had no desire to submit to anyone sexually. This has happened more than once. I even tried to get one to just give it a try, to see if she might like it and not know it. She wouldn't even try.

You don't force someone to do anything they don't want to do. Who knows if she might have had any deep and hidden submissive desires that she wasn't aware of. Sometimes you don't know these things, unless you and a partner play out a role situation.

And some people have phobias about bondage, and sometimes they have an incorrect understanding of what is really involved in a BDSM, D/s and B/D relationship. I've also had women call me a sex pervert. I don't mind being called a pervert, because it's probably true, but the way it was said told me they were NOT ever going to want to participate in any way, shape or form, for whatever reason. LOL, their loss. :rolleyes:
 
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If he has any previously unexplored sub tendencies, you may be able to bring it out with a bit of patience and creative planning. But it's not an easy task if it turns out it doesn't come naturally to him and he doesn't truly enjoy it.

You can both try attending a "munch" in your area, which is a safe way to meet like-minded people in a public place, like a restaurant. It would be an educational and social experience for both of you, and he may become more open to experimentation when he converses with other people who are vanilla-looking on the outside, but kinky in their private lives.
 
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ouchfeelsgood said:
If he has any previously unexplored sub tendencies, you may be able to bring it out with a bit of patience and creative planning. But it's not an easy task if it turns out it doesn't come naturally to him and he doesn't truly enjoy it.

You can both try attending a "munch" in your area, which is a safe way to meet like-minded people in a public place, like a restaurant. It would be an educational and social experience for both of you, and he may become more open to experimentation when he converses with other people who are vanilla-looking on the outside, but kinky in their private lives.
Click to expand...

Thanks! We just might try to find one. That sounds like a good idea. I'm sure we would both learn so much.
 
I vaguely “introduced” someone to the D/s dynamic; however, it was limited to the bedroom and I would have to say it was more roleplay than anything. He didn’t grasp the mental dynamics that go into any sort of power exchange and it ended up being an emotionally and mentally bad place for me. I can’t say I would ever try that again.

I know some people diss Fetlife, but it introduced me to people within my own community that share the same interests I do. I am not currently on Fet but still attend community events. I have met quite a few couples who enter the community together. I think sometimes it is hard for us to explain sub space and drop to our partners and what to look out for if they’ve never been in a Dominant role.

Best of luck to you both. :rose:
 
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