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Old 04-17-2018, 05:44 AM   #26
Bramblethorn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emirus View Post
I wasn’t sure which of the two categories to put it in and, according to you, I chose the wrong one. That has really nothing to do with me asking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism of my story. If you think I “begged for attention” then you obviously didn’t read my request correctly.
I'm not sure you read his reply correctly either. AFAICT, he didn't criticise you for putting it in T&C; most of us here are well aware that picking the best category is often hard.

What he did criticise you for was asking people to go read it and give feedback, without telling them that it was also nonconsent. Some people have very strong reactions to NC stories, for reasons that should be obvious and understandable; it's good manners to let them know before inviting them to read.

Quote:
There was an anonymous comment at the end of my story very much like yours but it can’t have been you because the writer apparently gave it 3⭐️
You might take this as a sign that electricblue66 is not the only reader who dislikes being surprised with NC content.
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Old 04-18-2018, 01:14 PM   #27
hadruprider
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Well, if you really want it:
* There is a comma missing in the first sentence and a wording error in the third.
* I did not find anything erotic at all in the whole story.
* There is virtually no description of Cherry or what (s)he is wearing.
* The ending seems weak. Why end on her looking at her phone?

Edit - And finally, repeating what many others have said, because it is important, let people know that it is a noncon story, especially if you are pleading for feedback!
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Old 04-18-2018, 06:10 PM   #28
Emirus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hadruprider View Post
Well, if you really want it:
* There is a comma missing in the first sentence and a wording error in the third.
* I did not find anything erotic at all in the whole story.
* There is virtually no description of Cherry or what (s)he is wearing.
* The ending seems weak. Why end on her looking at her phone?

Edit - And finally, repeating what many others have said, because it is important, let people know that it is a noncon story, especially if you are pleading for feedback!
Missing comma in the first sentence? I assume you mean practiced/practised in the 3rd paragraph?

Quote from paragraph 3: He looked at her and saw a very attractive lady - about 3” taller than him in her 4” heels - short blonde hair - slim - white tank top - short leather skirt. That doesn’t enable you to see her in your mind? What more do you want? Colour of shoes? Bare legs or nylons? Bust size? Lipstick colour?

As for the ending being weak and why end at her looking at her phone? Read again the 13th paragraph. “Leaving him lying on the bed unable to see or hear she started going through his pockets and wallet. She took her phone and photographed his driving licence - a letter with his full name and address - details of where he worked - an in-case-of-emergency card showing his wife’s name and then replaced everything.” Then move on to the penultimate paragraph and the reference to the video cameras. “She had also on occasion used the tape for blackmail.” Moving on again to the last sentence “she picked up her phone and glanced at the photos.”

Perhaps it was all a little too subtle for you? Collecting all his personal information; the reference to her being a blackmailer; her checking what information she had photographed? How about leaving something to the reader’s imagination?

Was she going to blackmail him and demand money by threatening to tell his wife or employer or work colleagues; or as a lever if he made an allegation of rape; or merely to force him to keep coming back paying for her services? She’s shown that she is a psychopath/sociopath by her indifference to the effect on him of her fucking him. As for eroticism what one person finds sexually stimulating doesn’t necessarily do something for another reader.

I hope that helps you to have a better understanding of the story.
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Old 04-18-2018, 11:59 PM   #29
electricblue66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emirus View Post
Perhaps it was all a little too subtle for you? Collecting all his personal information; the reference to her being a blackmailer; her checking what information she had photographed? How about leaving something to the reader’s imagination?
Best not to pick too many fights with the Forum regulars; ease in slowly, and then eviscerate. Just sayin' .
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Old 04-19-2018, 03:14 AM   #30
Emirus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
Best not to pick too many fights with the Forum regulars; ease in slowly, and then eviscerate. Just sayin' .
Behave yourself. I’m beginning to like you. 😂
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Old 04-19-2018, 08:16 AM   #31
electricblue66
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Originally Posted by Emirus View Post
Behave yourself. I’m beginning to like you. 😂
Moi? Just sayin', mate . You know, a public service announcement.
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Old 05-13-2018, 12:34 AM   #32
Emirus
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Follow up

You should always accept criticism that is given honestly. It doesn’t matter how blunt as long as it’s constructive. I did think about taking all the very valid points that had been made and submitting an edited version. But I thought that would be the wrong thing to do as the critical comments would disappear. Then it was pointed out to me that the comments would remain.

So the edited version has now been published. It’s the link below. I don’t expect it to be perfect and there will probably still be some grammatical mistakes but I think it is a considerable improvement all thanks to those people who took the time to comment. Laurel had also changed the category from TS to NonCon. The only difference in the text is that I rewrote the final sentence.
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