Ahhh help me word this better!

So obviously he has blood droplets on his face and smears them, but jeez I can't word it very well.

He lets go of my hand, reaches up and swipes the back of his hand across his face smearing the blood drops he had on it now into an even gorier mess.

Thanks!

He lets go of my hand, reaches up and tries to wipe the droplets from his brow with the back of his hand, but succeeds only in smearing crimson streaks across his face leaving an even gorier mess.

Something like that?

CoffeeWithMonkeys said:

So obviously he has blood droplets on his face and smears them, but jeez I can't word it very well.

He lets go of my hand, reaches up and swipes the back of his hand across his face smearing the blood drops he had on it now into an even gorier mess.

Thanks!

Click to expand...

How's this?

He lets go of my hand and reaches up to wipe his palm across his face streaking the spatter of blood into a mess of gore.

I agree with Ruben. Ditch "reaches up."

It's hard to know how to answer without context. Why is he smearing blood on his face?

I began to revise your sentence but I gave up because I don't know what you are trying to say.

CoffeeWithMonkeys said:

So obviously he has blood droplets on his face and smears them, but jeez I can't word it very well.

He lets go of my hand, reaches up and swipes the back of his hand across his face smearing the blood drops he had on it now into an even gorier mess.

Thanks!

Click to expand...

I suppose it all depends on the tone of the piece too (serious, funny?).

As he lets my hand go, I watch him try to wipe the specks of blood from his face but all he succeeds in doing is smearing it into a gorey mess.

When he lets my hand go to wipe the blood from his face, he smears it around instead, creating a horrific gore of a mess, reminiscent of nightmares.

I watch in amused horror as he lets my hand go and tries to wipe the blood from his face. The droplets smear, leaving his once (clean/white/pale/earthy) skin a mess of nightmarish gore.

The real problem here is that gerund clauses ("ing" clause starters) should be set off by commas to keep your reader on track.

Staying as close to your original as possible, I'd word it:

He lets go of my hand and reaches up to swipe the back of his hand across his face, smearing the blood drops there into an even gorier mess.

Sorry posted that quickly and then had to leave for the food pantry and never had a chance to check for replies until just now when we got home.

We're killing chickens in the story, so here's what happened before.
And this was just freshly typed this am and not read since so excuse any typos

I take a deep breath, lift the axe over my head, let out the breath and swing the axe down as hard and fast as I can.
It’s silent. I thought I would hear something, a scream? Some sort of noise from the chicken or Eddie.
I realize I have my eyes closed. I open them and gasp when I see blood on Eddie. I knew I couldn’t do this.
“Mara, relax. It’s from the chicken. You did perfect. I knew you would,” he says.
My eyes go right to his hands. He’s holding the chicken upside down by it’s feet, blood dripping down onto the ground. I look over to the stump and don’t see the head.
“It kinda went flying you whacked it so hard,” he says slightly laughing.
He reaches down and picks it up. “What do you do with it? Anything?”
He shake my head. He can do whatever he wants with it.
He tosses it where we have the garden. “That should help, right?”
I nod my head.
“Should we go hang him up? I mean her, it’s a chicken, it’s a girl,” he says.
I nod my head again.
He walks over to me, picks up one of my hands and kisses it. “Are you alright?”
I nod my head. “The blood...” I say trying to explain to him why I’m quiet.
“Is there that much?” he asks. He lets go of my hand, reaches up and swipes the back of his hand across his face smearing the blood drops he had on it now into an even gorier mess.


Oh and which spelling of ax/axe is more common? I thought it was axe, but google says that's wrong.

CoffeeWithMonkeys said:

We're killing chickens in the story, so here's what happened before.

Click to expand...

The correct term is choking the chicken. Is this some sort of circle jerk?

Based on that passage, I'd cut out some words and rewrite it as:

He lets go of my hand and swipes the back of his hand across his face, smearing the blood drops on his cheeks into a gorier mess.

Also, in your second sentence in this passage, you need to change "I thought I would" into "I think I should" to keep the tense consistent.

" “Is there that much?” he asks. He lets go of my hand, reaches up and swipes the back of his hand across his face smearing the chicken blood into an even gorier mess.

Oh, and which spelling of ax/axe is more common? I thought it was axe, but google says that's wrong. "


AXE

"Ax" is a Caribbean patois for the verb ASK.

He drops my hand and I watch as the back of his sleeve paints the blood splatters into an ever more gruesome image. (or? ...an even more gruesome reminder of what I had just done.)

ETA: It's axe (either are acceptable though according to my dictionary)

In your writing style, I feel like two sentences would read well. Here's my suggestion:

He lets go of my hand and swipes his face. The drops of blood on his cheeks only smear into a gorier mess.

yukonnights said:

ETA: It's axe (either are acceptable though according to my dictionary)

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Ax is preferred in American English. That's what Webster's is signaling when it provides that spelling first and "axe" as an "or" variation. "Axe" isn't listed in the U.S. publishers' preferred Webster's Collegiate.

Axe is preferred in British English, though, according to my Collins dictionary.

CoffeeWithMonkeys said:

Sorry posted that quickly and then had to leave for the food pantry and never had a chance to check for replies until just now when we got home.

We're killing chickens in the story, so here's what happened before....Oh and which spelling of ax/axe is more common? I thought it was axe, but google says that's wrong.

Click to expand...

You know, I was thinking more on this...I've butchered a lot of chickens and I never used an ax/axe. A hatchet, or even a machete is more likely since one typically holds the bird with one hand and strikes with the other...an ax would be overkill and cumbersome. And even though "he" appears to be doing the holding, a smaller/lighter tool would probably be used.

I've never butchered a chicken in an erotica story either. Just sayin'.

yukonnights said:

You know, I was thinking more on this...I've butchered a lot of chickens and I never used an ax/axe. A hatchet, or even a machete is more likely since one typically holds the bird with one hand and strikes with the other...an ax would be overkill and cumbersome. And even though "he" appears to be doing the holding, a smaller/lighter tool would probably be used.

Click to expand...

I guess you can tell how many I've killed

But point noted and thank you so much! I will change this up a bit and now I won't have to worry about which spelling of ax/axe to use

I guess us city folk think axes and hatchets are the same thing....I mean this one did.

A picture is worth a thousand words -> hatchet image

RubenR said:

I've done it with a small axe (is that a hatchet?); it's easy when you are with two people, one holding the chicken at it's legs and wings, the other holding the chicken's head and the axe. Might be a preferred way for people not used to slaughtering. Doing it by myself, I'd rather use a very sharp knife.
Slaughtering chickens is a reoccurring part in my stories:)

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I think I need to pay closer attention when I read your stories Should you be posting them in the Fetish category maybe

CoffeeWithMonkeys said:

Sorry posted that quickly and then had to leave for the food pantry and never had a chance to check for replies until just now when we got home.

We're killing chickens in the story, so here's what happened before.
And this was just freshly typed this am and not read since so excuse any typos

I take a deep breath, lift the axe over my head, let out the breath and swing the axe down as hard and fast as I can.
It’s silent. I thought I would hear something, a scream? Some sort of noise from the chicken or Eddie.
I realize I have my eyes closed. I open them and gasp when I see blood on Eddie. I knew I couldn’t do this.
“Mara, relax. It’s from the chicken. You did perfect. I knew you would,” he says.
My eyes go right to his hands. He’s holding the chicken upside down by it’s feet, blood dripping down onto the ground. I look over to the stump and don’t see the head.
“It kinda went flyingneed some punctuation here you whacked it so hard,” he says slightly laughing.
He reaches down and picks it up. “What do you do with it? Anything?”
He shake my head. He can do whatever he wants with it.
He tosses it where we have the garden. “That should help, right?”
I nod my head.
“Should we go hang him up? I mean her, it’s a chicken, it’s a girl,” he says.
I nod my head again.
He walks over to me, picks up one of my hands and kisses it. “Are you alright?”
I nod my head. “The blood...” I say trying to explain to him why I’m quiet.
“Is there that much?” he asks. He lets go of my hand, reaches up and swipes the back of his hand across his face smearing the blood drops he had on it now into an even gorier mess.


Oh and which spelling of ax/axe is more common? I thought it was axe, but google says that's wrong.

Click to expand...

To overstep my bounds a little bit and not answer your question immediately:

On your overall writing style, I'm noticing you do what I call 'Noddy McNodster'. Nodding to me, is just this expression that gets overused and can come across so blandly. There are so many different kinds of nods!
A hesitant nod, a resolute nod, gritting your teeth and choking back tears nod, etc.

You also have a habit of starting pretty much all your sentences with a personal pronoun (he, she, I). I think variation of sentence structure is what can make something really interesting to read. A unique, smooth flow with great word choice and sentence variation in both length and order.


As to your initial question:

He looses the grip on my hand to wipe at his brow. His efforts only smear them into a gorier mess of streaks across his otherwise unblemished face.


-Very style specific. I think davy's suggestion cleans up the initial sentence very well, nice one mate.

yukonnights said:

A picture is worth a thousand words -> hatchet image

Click to expand...

That's an axe...

hehehe

Okay in my mind that's an axe.

And thank you. I guess I keep getting in over my head with this story.

Now I just have the Rush song The Trees stuck in my head
by hatchet, axe and saw....

CoffeeWithMonkeys said:

Now I just have the Rush song The Trees stuck in my head
by hatchet, axe and saw....

Click to expand...

There are worse songs to have stuck in your head.

CoffeeWithMonkeys said:

So obviously he has blood droplets on his face and smears them, but jeez I can't word it very well.

He lets go of my hand, reaches up and swipes the back of his hand across his face smearing the blood drops he had on it now into an even gorier mess.

Thanks!

Click to expand...

I suspect that the terminology is somewhat fluid. What would be called an ax/axe in my experience would have a longer handle and look like this -> Image of Axe

Note: This image also shows what might be an alternative way to chop the poor chicken's head off using said axe

dankmemez said:

To overstep my bounds a little bit and not answer your question immediately:

On your overall writing style, I'm noticing you do what I call 'Noddy McNodster'. Nodding to me, is just this expression that gets overused and can come across so blandly. There are so many different kinds of nods!
A hesitant nod, a resolute nod, gritting your teeth and choking back tears nod, etc.

You also have a habit of starting pretty much all your sentences with a personal pronoun (he, she, I). I think variation of sentence structure is what can make something really interesting to read. A unique, smooth flow with great word choice and sentence variation in both length and order.


As to your initial question:

He looses the grip on my hand to wipe at his brow. His efforts only smear them into a gorier mess of streaks across his otherwise unblemished face.


-Very style specific. I think davy's suggestion cleans up the initial sentence very well, nice one mate.

Click to expand...

I guess the paragraph taken out of context does make the act of her nodding seem redundant, but I'm hoping anyone that has read the previous 9 chapters will understand that she's almost in shock at this point and it's all autonomous at this point.

LoquiSordidaAdMe said:

There are worse songs to have stuck in your head.

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Right! I love Rush. Maybe a bit too much, my son's middle names are Neil and Alexander. Never had a third son to have a Geddy :/

And THANKS everyone for all the suggestions, need to wait a day or so to go over them again because now they are all seeming weird. You know how when you keep saying the same word over and over and then its starts to sound like it's not even a real word? Well that's how this sounds to me now.