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Meeting up with potential partners over the internet?

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princessface

Virgin
Joined
Sep 12, 2014
Posts
26
Hi everybody.

Not really newish here, but I don't participate in these forums often. I've been using fetlife for the past few months and I've recently started talking to a potential Dom. Nothing too serious but we've arranged a meet up at the end of June.

I was wondering how I should go about this? Is there anything I should be wary of?

The thing is that I am entirely new to BDSM. I've had boyfriends in the past but they weren't kinky at all.

I have a curiosity for rope-work and the guy I'm meeting up with said himself that he would be interested in doing some with me, but I generally don't have to be nude for this do I?

Anyway. Long paragraphs short. If you have some advice on meeting with potential play partners let me know. I'm a bit sensitive and tend to fall in love/lust really fast, but at the same time I'm really curious and I want to play with somebody new so I'm not sure how to find a middle ground.

Just to add: the meet up is just ice-cream so nothing out of the usual.
 
When I played with subs I met them at interstate reststops where she was safe and visible (plus toilets and Coke, coffee at hand), and we went from there, usually to a vehicle for show and tell. And often to a motel afterwards. Once I met an older widow at a popular city park then hung around till she went to her car and left. I once got as far as a womans home before I left. I had driven far to see her and she wanted the circus before I got a meal.

Not often but sometimes your date has serious hygiene issues. Keep it in mind.
 
princessface said:
Hi everybody.

Not really newish here, but I don't participate in these forums often. I've been using fetlife for the past few months and I've recently started talking to a potential Dom. Nothing too serious but we've arranged a meet up at the end of June.

I was wondering how I should go about this? Is there anything I should be wary of?

The thing is that I am entirely new to BDSM. I've had boyfriends in the past but they weren't kinky at all.

I have a curiosity for rope-work and the guy I'm meeting up with said himself that he would be interested in doing some with me, but I generally don't have to be nude for this do I?

Anyway. Long paragraphs short. If you have some advice on meeting with potential play partners let me know. I'm a bit sensitive and tend to fall in love/lust really fast, but at the same time I'm really curious and I want to play with somebody new so I'm not sure how to find a middle ground.

Just to add: the meet up is just ice-cream so nothing out of the usual.
Click to expand...
Keep the meeting public,. Know what they will be dressed like before you meet so you have some idea who your looking for. A pic of the person would be better although that can be faked. Your radar should be on high alert and then lower it as appropriate and not to quickly based on how you know you get hooked easily. Have a bail out plan, that allows you an easy/ quick exit even before or during initial contact. Then if you meet, take it slow...... if they are truly interested, they will not rush you into anything...... This potential new relationship is all about TRUST, and they need to EARN that trust!!!! Best of luck and I hope this helps.....
 
princessface said:
Hi everybody.

Not really newish here, but I don't participate in these forums often. I've been using fetlife for the past few months and I've recently started talking to a potential Dom. Nothing too serious but we've arranged a meet up at the end of June.

I was wondering how I should go about this? Is there anything I should be wary of?

The thing is that I am entirely new to BDSM. I've had boyfriends in the past but they weren't kinky at all.

I have a curiosity for rope-work and the guy I'm meeting up with said himself that he would be interested in doing some with me, but I generally don't have to be nude for this do I?

Anyway. Long paragraphs short. If you have some advice on meeting with potential play partners let me know. I'm a bit sensitive and tend to fall in love/lust really fast, but at the same time I'm really curious and I want to play with somebody new so I'm not sure how to find a middle ground.

Just to add: the meet up is just ice-cream so nothing out of the usual.
Click to expand...

Meeting in public is a great idea. Let someone know you're going to meet him and set up a safety call. :) Don't feel pressured to do anything right away, go at your own pace. As for meeting him, standard dating rules apply. Take out the d/s and think of what you would do with someone on a date.

As for rope, look at my avatar, you can definitely do it fully clothed. :D I suggest you learn about rope from a techincal stand point before letting him tie you up. Look at safety and proper placement. You should be aware of what can cause real damage as opposed to just being uncomfortable.

Try not to get caught up in trying new things right now. what I mean is, sometimes a first experience is so exciting, new, and feels so~ amazing, that some become impatient and want to try all the things right away. Read about it, take your time, and try to have fun. It's not all serious protocols and punishments.

Another thing, we don't all do things the same way. If he (or anyone) says you're not a "real submissive" unless you do xyz, and xyz is something you don't think is right for you, you probably just aren't compatible with that person. It's a phrase some like to use to pressure new people into things they don't want or are uncomfortable doing. And don't fall for the whole "I'll train you in the basics of submission" stuff. Any "training" you receive is going to be useful for that relationship, and could be totally useless for the next.

Good luck, I hope things go well.
 
MeekMe said:
Meeting in public is a great idea. Let someone know you're going to meet him and set up a safety call. :) Don't feel pressured to do anything right away, go at your own pace. As for meeting him, standard dating rules apply. Take out the d/s and think of what you would do with someone on a date.

As for rope, look at my avatar, you can definitely do it fully clothed. :D I suggest you learn about rope from a techincal stand point before letting him tie you up. Look at safety and proper placement. You should be aware of what can cause real damage as opposed to just being uncomfortable.

Try not to get caught up in trying new things right now. what I mean is, sometimes a first experience is so exciting, new, and feels so~ amazing, that some become impatient and want to try all the things right away. Read about it, take your time, and try to have fun. It's not all serious protocols and punishments.

Another thing, we don't all do things the same way. If he (or anyone) says you're not a "real submissive" unless you do xyz, and xyz is something you don't think is right for you, you probably just aren't compatible with that person. It's a phrase some like to use to pressure new people into things they don't want or are uncomfortable doing. And don't fall for the whole "I'll train you in the basics of submission" stuff. Any "training" you receive is going to be useful for that relationship, and could be totally useless for the next.

Good luck, I hope things go well.
Click to expand...

Thank-you! it's really helpful getting this from a girl's point of view. And your rope work looks stunning.
 
princessface said:
Hi everybody.

Not really newish here, but I don't participate in these forums often. I've been using fetlife for the past few months and I've recently started talking to a potential Dom. Nothing too serious but we've arranged a meet up at the end of June.

I was wondering how I should go about this? Is there anything I should be wary of?

The thing is that I am entirely new to BDSM. I've had boyfriends in the past but they weren't kinky at all.

I have a curiosity for rope-work and the guy I'm meeting up with said himself that he would be interested in doing some with me, but I generally don't have to be nude for this do I?

Anyway. Long paragraphs short. If you have some advice on meeting with potential play partners let me know. I'm a bit sensitive and tend to fall in love/lust really fast, but at the same time I'm really curious and I want to play with somebody new so I'm not sure how to find a middle ground.

Just to add: the meet up is just ice-cream so nothing out of the usual.
Click to expand...

I'm going to be following this thread as I just joined fetlife myself and I'm a bit nervous about connecting up with people. In the past, I've been lucky enough to find several partners into kink so I have a good idea of what I like and dislike. Unfortunately, I'm going through a breakup right now so I'm a little gun shy. And like you, I fall fast and hard. Keep us in the loop??
 
song_bird said:
I'm going to be following this thread as I just joined fetlife myself and I'm a bit nervous about connecting up with people. In the past, I've been lucky enough to find several partners into kink so I have a good idea of what I like and dislike. Unfortunately, I'm going through a breakup right now so I'm a little gun shy. And like you, I fall fast and hard. Keep us in the loop??
Click to expand...

I'm going to meet some guy in over state in two weeks? So sure. I'll tell you how it goes. I have pretty terrible judgement of people though sigh lol.
 
Basic safety for a rope bottom.

It is safer to be tied at a rope workshop. If your Top is incompetent or dangerous, other people will intervene and keep you safe.

What rope experience does he have?
Can you talk to his other rope bottoms for references?
Before he puts any rope on you, ask him if he knows how to avoid radial nerve injuries, in fact, does he even know where it is. If he doesn't, do not allow him to put rope on you at all.

Does he have a set of safety shears in reachable distance, and a back up pair if they fail?
Seriously, he needs to be able to cut you out in less than 30 seconds if anything goes wrong, and that includes a fire in the building.

Ok, so you are there, he has shown that he is experienced, knowledgeable and safe.

Are you completely happy to be fully restrained in a private place, by someone you don't know?

Is he ok with a chaperone?
If he isn't, even theoretically, I would urge extreme caution.

Rope is lovely, but it is also dangerous in many ways. A bad tie can cause permanent nerve damage.
I am a rope bottom, and I am a safety demo bunny, I hear and participate in rope safety briefings on a very regular basis.

There is lots more to think of, but these are the basics

Be safe xx
 
You definitely don't want your first date to involve a private rope session. That's a BIG no!

I agree with Daisy about a rope workshop. Meet for coffee or dinner the first time. If you guys are into each other, you can take it from there. Safety should come first. Always.
 
I never met a woman who wont go the whole hog on the first date if the guy is cute.
 
Sweetdaisymae said:
...

Does he have a set of safety shears in reachable distance, and a back up pair if they fail?
...
Click to expand...

I am not versed in rope play by any means, though the concept piqued my interest many years ago (I found the strongest restraints that matter are the ones she keeps around her tender little heart, but that's besides the point). While most of what you (and others) have said makes perfect sense to me, it's when you mention shears this made me go all manner of "huh? what?"

Though shears have mechanical advantage over a knife, there are two facets of shears that make me think they aren't the best tool for the job. Okay, three if you consider the obvious one you already mentioned; if they fail.
  1. Shears are sharpest closer to the pivotal point, yet if you go too close to the pivot, they will bind.
  2. The longer the shears are, the more mechanical advantage, but the longer they are, the more likely they have a thicker blade.
    Since rope binding is usually desired towards tightness and since "too tight" fits the qualifications of emergency reasons to want to remove said rope, then the thicker the blades are, the harder it will be to get a shear blade under the rope.

My point is, wouldn't a simple sharp knife be more fitting? A knife, being a simpler tool, has less likelihood of failure, and you can always cut downward if it's too tight to slip the blade in and cut upward (granted, not the safest way to use it, but emergency reasons being what they are... (what does it say about me that I feel more secure handling a knife than I do handling rope?).
 
LWulf said:
I am not versed in rope play by any means, though the concept piqued my interest many years ago (I found the strongest restraints that matter are the ones she keeps around her tender little heart, but that's besides the point). While most of what you (and others) have said makes perfect sense to me, it's when you mention shears this made me go all manner of "huh? what?"

Though shears have mechanical advantage over a knife, there are two facets of shears that make me think they aren't the best tool for the job. Okay, three if you consider the obvious one you already mentioned; if they fail.
  1. Shears are sharpest closer to the pivotal point, yet if you go too close to the pivot, they will bind.
  2. The longer the shears are, the more mechanical advantage, but the longer they are, the more likely they have a thicker blade.
    Since rope binding is usually desired towards tightness and since "too tight" fits the qualifications of emergency reasons to want to remove said rope, then the thicker the blades are, the harder it will be to get a shear blade under the rope.

My point is, wouldn't a simple sharp knife be more fitting? A knife, being a simpler tool, has less likelihood of failure, and you can always cut downward if it's too tight to slip the blade in and cut upward (granted, not the safest way to use it, but emergency reasons being what they are... (what does it say about me that I feel more secure handling a knife than I do handling rope?).
Click to expand...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trauma_shears

Knives are likely to cut skin. The shears, depending on quality are going to most likely be better. Also, hopefully you won't have to use them, but if they are used frequently, I suggest replacing them often.
 
MeekMe said:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trauma_shears

Knives are likely to cut skin. The shears, depending on quality are going to most likely be better. Also, hopefully you won't have to use them, but if they are used frequently, I suggest replacing them often.
Click to expand...

Hrm. It looks like they are for thin material opposed to the thickness of cord I had in my mind. I'd have to handle those before I'd concede to using them in binding play.

As to knives cutting skin, not the way I handle one or at least not when I don't want it to. I guess it depends on what you are familiar with.

Oh, and thanks for the info.
 
LWulf said:
Hrm. It looks like they are for thin material opposed to the thickness of cord I had in my mind. I'd have to handle those before I'd concede to using them in binding play.

As to knives cutting skin, not the way I handle one or at least not when I don't want it to. I guess it depends on what you are familiar with.
Click to expand...

There are a variety of shears available. The concept is that they usually have a lip for slipping under whatever is against the skin safely, and have the ability to cut stronge material. The ropes being used are usually 1/8" - 1/4" (size varies for different things and can be bigger than 1/4") thickness. Depends on what material you're using, style of tie, and if it's just ground work or suspension.

I wouldn't want someone to try and slip a knife between my skin and the rope digging into it. Sounds like I'd end up with a slice of skin being taken off. I'll stick to shears.
 
MeekMe said:
There are a variety of shears available. The concept is that they usually have a lip for slipping under whatever is against the skin safely, and have the ability to cut stronge material. The ropes being used are usually 1/8" - 1/4" (size varies for different things and can be bigger than 1/4") thickness. Depends on what material you're using, style of tie, and if it's just ground work or suspension.

I wouldn't want someone to try and slip a knife between my skin and the rope digging into it. Sounds like I'd end up with a slice of skin being taken off. I'll stick to shears.
Click to expand...

Fair enough and sound reasoning, but again, it's barely a passing fancy for myself.

..then again, some cord, if it is thin enough, could start cutting into the skin too, isn't it? Some cords are abrasive no matter how thick or thin, but those likely wouldn't be used for binding play.
 
LWulf said:
Fair enough and sound reasoning, but again, it's barely a passing fancy for myself.

..then again, some cord, if it is thin enough, could start cutting into the skin too, isn't it? Some cords are abrasive no matter how thick or thin, but those likely wouldn't be used for binding play.
Click to expand...

Cutting the rope is rarely ever a goal. It's only used in emergency as more often than not, the rope being used is expensive or took a lot of time to care for (though rope is replaceable and bottoms are not ;)). Hopefully, there will be no need to resort to cutting someone out, but accidents happen so it's best to have the tools on hand for dealing with it.

As for thin enough, typically people wouldn't use rope that's too thin. Also, it's rarely applied in a single strand. Usually it's going to be bent double and applied in two strands. It may be wrapped more to create a wide coverage to help distribute the pressure being put on any one area. This helps to prevent damage to nerves and circulation. Another thing would be to use quick release knots when possible.

Also, 1/8" isn't that common, but I use it for decorative purposes as it's very thin and wouldn't be suitable for restraint. My note should have read 1/4"-1/2" being common sizes.

Also, sometimes the goal is to feel the rope digging in. Rope can be very painful, if that's what you want. Abrasive rope can also be part of the fun (and tends to hold knots better). Both parties should be aware of signs of serious damage and keep an eye on the amount of time one is tied. Nobody wants to permanently damage limbs or lose the ability to use said limbs.

I feel like this discussion has gone way off topic. OP, thank you for the compliment. :) It's work I did on myself. Sweetdaisymae, fantastic advice.
 
Sweetdaisymae said:
Basic safety for a rope bottom.

It is safer to be tied at a rope workshop. If your Top is incompetent or dangerous, other people will intervene and keep you safe.

What rope experience does he have?
Can you talk to his other rope bottoms for references?
Before he puts any rope on you, ask him if he knows how to avoid radial nerve injuries, in fact, does he even know where it is. If he doesn't, do not allow him to put rope on you at all.

Does he have a set of safety shears in reachable distance, and a back up pair if they fail?
Seriously, he needs to be able to cut you out in less than 30 seconds if anything goes wrong, and that includes a fire in the building.

Ok, so you are there, he has shown that he is experienced, knowledgeable and safe.

Are you completely happy to be fully restrained in a private place, by someone you don't know?

Is he ok with a chaperone?
If he isn't, even theoretically, I would urge extreme caution.

Rope is lovely, but it is also dangerous in many ways. A bad tie can cause permanent nerve damage.
I am a rope bottom, and I am a safety demo bunny, I hear and participate in rope safety briefings on a very regular basis.

There is lots more to think of, but these are the basics

Be safe xx
Click to expand...

Fabulous post. Excellent insight.
 
Just letting you guys know that my night out was magical. :) he was the perfect gentleman and bought me dinner twice even when I tried to pay the second time around.

The awkward thing is that I was kinda expecting something more. Oh well. I'm 8 hours of a plane flight away and I don't think having a play session would've been possible with the little time I have on this trip.

So anyway to anybody who's meeting a potential play partner from fet. You should totally go for it because I did and I'm really giddy with happiness right now!

And my tldr question for tonight is how do you kind of ask a potential Dom to play with you? Do you just put it out there? Do you arrange it in advance or is it more of a last minute thing around drinks on the day?
 
Sweetdaisymae said:
Basic safety for a rope bottom.

It is safer to be tied at a rope workshop. If your Top is incompetent or dangerous, other people will intervene and keep you safe.

What rope experience does he have?
Can you talk to his other rope bottoms for references?
Before he puts any rope on you, ask him if he knows how to avoid radial nerve injuries, in fact, does he even know where it is. If he doesn't, do not allow him to put rope on you at all.

Does he have a set of safety shears in reachable distance, and a back up pair if they fail?
Seriously, he needs to be able to cut you out in less than 30 seconds if anything goes wrong, and that includes a fire in the building.

Ok, so you are there, he has shown that he is experienced, knowledgeable and safe.

Are you completely happy to be fully restrained in a private place, by someone you don't know?

Is he ok with a chaperone?
If he isn't, even theoretically, I would urge extreme caution.

Rope is lovely, but it is also dangerous in many ways. A bad tie can cause permanent nerve damage.
I am a rope bottom, and I am a safety demo bunny, I hear and participate in rope safety briefings on a very regular basis.

There is lots more to think of, but these are the basics

Be safe xx
Click to expand...

RawHumor said:
You definitely don't want your first date to involve a private rope session. That's a BIG no!

I agree with Daisy about a rope workshop. Meet for coffee or dinner the first time. If you guys are into each other, you can take it from there. Safety should come first. Always.
Click to expand...

Good posts! Rope work is not something that a Dom "tries." There are things, seemingly innocuous things, that can be dangerous. Improper techniques that can lead to problems later in life without either of you realizing how it all came about.

Take care.

Ishmael
 
princessface said:
Just letting you guys know that my night out was magical. :) he was the perfect gentleman and bought me dinner twice even when I tried to pay the second time around.

The awkward thing is that I was kinda expecting something more. Oh well. I'm 8 hours of a plane flight away and I don't think having a play session would've been possible with the little time I have on this trip.

So anyway to anybody who's meeting a potential play partner from fet. You should totally go for it because I did and I'm really giddy with happiness right now!

And my tldr question for tonight is how do you kind of ask a potential Dom to play with you? Do you just put it out there? Do you arrange it in advance or is it more of a last minute thing around drinks on the day?
Click to expand...

Congratulations on your experience, I've just discovered this thread and am glad that you updated us with what happened.
My advice would be to keep in touch through fet or phone with this man and keep getting to know him whilst you are apart, the more you get to know one another the easier it will be to address the 'when can we take the next step" question. It envolves a great deal of trust to engage in any kind of relationship, and in my own view a lot more in a D/s one.
Good luck in your journey.
 
princessface said:
Just letting you guys know that my night out was magical. :) he was the perfect gentleman and bought me dinner twice even when I tried to pay the second time around.

The awkward thing is that I was kinda expecting something more. Oh well. I'm 8 hours of a plane flight away and I don't think having a play session would've been possible with the little time I have on this trip.

So anyway to anybody who's meeting a potential play partner from fet. You should totally go for it because I did and I'm really giddy with happiness right now!

And my tldr question for tonight is how do you kind of ask a potential Dom to play with you? Do you just put it out there? Do you arrange it in advance or is it more of a last minute thing around drinks on the day?
Click to expand...

Heh, it's always a tricky one, and given the sheer amount of trust involved, it's far worse than figuring out how to make the first move sex wise.

I'm a planner. And a talker ;) I prefer to scene it out extensively online, discussing limits, permitted activities, safe words...even scripts! I so bloody Top from the bottom :D However as far as I am concerned, at the beginning he doesn't get my submission, just my permission. I also kept play sessions to those whose work was known at munches/demonstrations etc, you get to meet some damn fine people (and have some damn fine fun!) that way. This is just how I do it, it's not the same for everyone. If someone is going to tie me down, tie me up or rope stress me, I want to know that they know what they are doing. This also goes for knife and breath play (I'm addicted to life on the edge :D)

On a different note 8 hour plane journey away?!?! You Americans are mental! 8 hours could get me to South Africa...or the Caribbean...or Russia...I pity your late night booty calls xD
 
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