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Old 01-12-2018, 07:05 PM   #3101
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Good response DVS; I am sure that is right in line with what I want for us.

Just looking for that warm embrace that she is ready.
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Old 01-13-2018, 09:17 PM   #3102
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Old 01-14-2018, 09:59 PM   #3103
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Old 01-26-2018, 05:29 PM   #3104
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Originally Posted by mortis View Post
What is the expected time to heal and move on?

We are now 3 months after FIL cancer death. She still listens to a VM from him reads his letters and generally just depressed.
We have made love 1 time in 3 months it was wonderful but she just isn't in the mood overall I can't complain I have never experienced this type of loss so I am at a loss for words or comfort other than to be her rock.
There is no set time and I'd say if she was close to her father then 3 months is still really early. I lost my dad and my sister within 6 weeks of each other half way through 2015. The first year was a blur of depression (there was other stuff going on that added to the chaos). That first year, when I had sex with my husband, who I love, it was out of a sense of duty--rarely did I get any pleasure out of it. Grief is all-consuming. Year two was better. And as I set off into year three I'm finally feeling almost like "myself" again but I've lost pretty much any inclination for the BDSM stuff that used to float my boat. It is impossible to explain unless you've been there. Being a rock is a good thing. Keep it up.

This piece, from a Reddit page, is the best explanation of grief I think I have ever read:

"As for grief, youíll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, youíre drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe itís some physical thing. Maybe itís a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe itís a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and donít even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, youíll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know whatís going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anythingÖand the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and itís different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at OíHare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but youíll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you donít really want them to. But you learn that youíll survive them. And other waves will come. And youíll survive them too. If youíre lucky, youíll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
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Old 01-26-2018, 05:43 PM   #3105
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^^^ Kerion this is a wonderful/awful analogy. It fits.
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Old 01-27-2018, 12:37 AM   #3106
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I am four months out from my husband's death (from ALS). Some days, he is so far from me - I cannot feel him anymore. Other days, he is so close, I imagine what he feels like, kissing him, holding his hand that couldn't hold mine back.... his death feels like yesterday.

It is true, what Keroin shared - the grief no longer consumes me. The waves are at 50 feet, not 100. I can breathe. Daily moments of sadness hit me at the strangest times. Doing the jumble (something we did every day), a song, a picture in the oral thread - the smallest things tear at my heart, take my breath away for a minute. I cry and then move on.

This is something I found helpful:

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Old 01-29-2018, 09:33 AM   #3107
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroin View Post
There is no set time and I'd say if she was close to her father then 3 months is still really early. I lost my dad and my sister within 6 weeks of each other half way through 2015. The first year was a blur of depression (there was other stuff going on that added to the chaos). That first year, when I had sex with my husband, who I love, it was out of a sense of duty--rarely did I get any pleasure out of it. Grief is all-consuming. Year two was better. And as I set off into year three I'm finally feeling almost like "myself" again but I've lost pretty much any inclination for the BDSM stuff that used to float my boat. It is impossible to explain unless you've been there. Being a rock is a good thing. Keep it up.

This piece, from a Reddit page, is the best explanation of grief I think I have ever read:

"As for grief, youíll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, youíre drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe itís some physical thing. Maybe itís a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe itís a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and donít even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, youíll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know whatís going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anythingÖand the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and itís different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at OíHare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but youíll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you donít really want them to. But you learn that youíll survive them. And other waves will come. And youíll survive them too. If youíre lucky, youíll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
Really liked this... a lot! So ture!
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Old 01-29-2018, 09:36 AM   #3108
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Originally Posted by cookiecat View Post
I am four months out from my husband's death (from ALS). Some days, he is so far from me - I cannot feel him anymore. Other days, he is so close, I imagine what he feels like, kissing him, holding his hand that couldn't hold mine back.... his death feels like yesterday.

It is true, what Keroin shared - the grief no longer consumes me. The waves are at 50 feet, not 100. I can breathe. Daily moments of sadness hit me at the strangest times. Doing the jumble (something we did every day), a song, a picture in the oral thread - the smallest things tear at my heart, take my breath away for a minute. I cry and then move on.

This is something I found helpful:

Another on target quote and I really like it! I hate the grieving of a lost one but I always try to see it as a testament to how important they were and are to me! *big hug*
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Old 02-01-2018, 01:59 PM   #3109
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Originally Posted by cascadiabound View Post
^^^ Kerion this is a wonderful/awful analogy. It fits.
Thanks! I wish I had come up with it but I know that it helped me when I was going through my own shipwrecks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cookiecat View Post
I am four months out from my husband's death (from ALS). Some days, he is so far from me - I cannot feel him anymore. Other days, he is so close, I imagine what he feels like, kissing him, holding his hand that couldn't hold mine back.... his death feels like yesterday.
I am sorry for your loss. And, yes, it's like that. Some days it is a distant thing, other days the people I've lost feel as if they are right beside me.


Quote:
Originally Posted by scotluvsoral View Post
Really liked this... a lot! So ture!
Glad you liked it.

I also read Joan Didion's book "The Year of Magical Thinking" on a friend's recommendation, about 6 months after my dad died. While it was difficult at times to connect with the author--wealth certainly helps with the day-to-day issues of death and grief, lack of wealth just adds to the stress--I still took away lots of good stuff. It helped me feel not so alone.

I love this quote from that book:

"People who have recently lost someone have a certain look, recognizable maybe only to those who have seen that look on their own faces. I have noticed it on my face and I notice it now on others. The look is one of extreme vulnerability, nakedness, openness. It is the look of someone who walks from the ophthalmologist's office into the bright daylight with dilated eyes, or of someone who wears glasses and is suddenly made to take them off. These people who have lost someone look naked because they think themselves invisible."
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Old 02-01-2018, 04:32 PM   #3110
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I love this quote from that book:

"People who have recently lost someone have a certain look, recognizable maybe only to those who have seen that look on their own faces. I have noticed it on my face and I notice it now on others. The look is one of extreme vulnerability, nakedness, openness. It is the look of someone who walks from the ophthalmologist's office into the bright daylight with dilated eyes, or of someone who wears glasses and is suddenly made to take them off. These people who have lost someone look naked because they think themselves invisible."
This is an interesting thought - the invisible quality to grief.

I know I'm not the only person to experience loss. I don't hold the market on grief. And yet, this feeling of being gutted, the awfulness of it all -- at times, when I'm sitting with friends, talking about everything and nothing or when I'm alone, again, without him, I want to scream - what the fuck? No one will ever know this hollow, heartwrench ache.

Then I realize no one WILL know my experience. Each of us will have our own moment of grieving, no matter who it is: parent, spouse, sibling, child, friend, pet.

I just have to go about my day. Because we all do. Carrying around that grief and simply figuring out how to get to a place of peace.

Thanks for coming back and posting, Keroin. All of these things help get to that place.
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Old 02-01-2018, 07:22 PM   #3111
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FYC for taking my father. He deserved a better death than what he got.


Sympathy and hugs for everyone that posted before me.
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Old 02-01-2018, 09:27 PM   #3112
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FYC for taking my father. He deserved a better death than what he got.


Sympathy and hugs for everyone that posted before me.
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Old 02-02-2018, 08:58 AM   #3113
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FYC for taking my father. He deserved a better death than what he got.


Sympathy and hugs for everyone that posted before me.
(((hugs)))
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Old 02-02-2018, 09:25 AM   #3114
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I second that!
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Old 02-03-2018, 12:56 PM   #3115
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Cancer has ravaged our family. Cancer has taken many. Cancer has effected many that are still here in recovery.

Cancer has my 5 year old Niece battling a long hard battle for her life. She just had tumors removed from her lungs and kidneys. Bless her heart she call her scar on her neck a Shark Bite. Always smiling with her beautiful bald head.

My sister underwent surgery and had all of her reproductive organs removed with some thyroids. She is undergoing treatment as well. Supposedly the Drs removed all of the Cancer but you never know.

You live each day as there tomorrow is not guaranteed. Love as there is no tomorrow. No regrets.
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Old 02-04-2018, 11:32 AM   #3116
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As hard as it is to believe it's been 10 months now---and such a roller coaster ride...everytime I feel like I'm getting comfortable and dealing with her death....I seem to slip back.....Trying to figure it all out....
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Old 02-11-2018, 06:23 PM   #3117
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My mother has been told she has weeks, maybe months left to live.This has happened a lot sooner than I expected. I think I am in shock as it hasnít really hit me yet. I should be able to take time to stay with my parents on and off pretty easily, which I am glad about.
Just scared of what lies ahead.
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Old 02-12-2018, 01:32 PM   #3118
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At this hour, cmslt2326, who's been so supportive to so many here, is in surgery for a hip replacement and other lovely stuff.

Her doctors hope this will somewhat relieve the pain. When cmslt2326 says it hurts, one can only imagine.

Do give her a shout-out.
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Old 02-12-2018, 01:36 PM   #3119
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My mother has been told she has weeks, maybe months left to live.This has happened a lot sooner than I expected. I think I am in shock as it hasnít really hit me yet. I should be able to take time to stay with my parents on and off pretty easily, which I am glad about.
Just scared of what lies ahead.
Sorry for the journey you and your family will travel! Thankfully you can spend time with them!
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Old 02-12-2018, 01:37 PM   #3120
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At this hour, cmslt2326, who's been so supportive to so many here, is in surgery for a hip replacement and other lovely stuff.

Her doctors hope this will somewhat relieve the pain. When cmslt2326 says it hurts, one can only imagine.

Do give her a shout-out.
You are in my thoughts cmslt2326! *Huge hugs*
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Old 02-13-2018, 12:49 PM   #3121
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Sorry for the journey you and your family will travel! Thankfully you can spend time with them!
Yes indeed
Heading there tomorrow for a few days.
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Old 02-14-2018, 03:11 AM   #3122
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Today is the 10th anniversary of my momís passing from bladder cancer. I think about her every day. The emotional roller coaster has flattened out some but I still get irritable around special days like today (which happens to be my dads birthday).
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Old 02-16-2018, 02:03 PM   #3123
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You are in my thoughts cmslt2326! *Huge hugs*
Thank you so much scotluvsoral...

Ok guys.... first of all in case I have not said it recently Cancer Sucks.

Sorry it has been a bit since I posted but as you have heard I have had ANOTHER complication...

An old injury (prior to the breast cancer) did not heal correctly because my chemo made my blood as thick as sludge and hemolytic ( full of dead blood red cells) so the top of my femur (thigh bone) died.
A simple fall earlier this year broke the dead bone and I was walking on it. A bone scan accidentally found it and because of the original injury and the dead femoral neck it was determined I needed a full hip replacement with hardware removal.

Monday the 12th I got all previous plates and screws removed...all dead bone removed and my thigh bone and hip replaced. I can finally hope that this complication is the last, final heartbreak from this miserable disease...Thanks for listening guys....
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Old 02-16-2018, 02:08 PM   #3124
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Thank you so much scotluvsoral...

Ok guys.... first of all in case I have not said it recently Cancer Sucks.

Sorry it has been a bit since I posted but as you have heard I have had ANOTHER complication...

An old injury (prior to the breast cancer) did not heal correctly because my chemo made my blood as thick as sludge and hemolytic ( full of dead blood red cells) so the top of my femur (thigh bone) died.
A simple fall earlier this year broke the dead bone and I was walking on it. A bone scan accidentally found it and because of the original injury and the dead femoral neck it was determined I needed a full hip replacement with hardware removal.

Monday the 12th I got all previous plates and screws removed...all dead bone removed and my thigh bone and hip replaced. I can finally hope that this complication is the last, final heartbreak from this miserable disease...Thanks for listening guys....
*Big Hug* Welcome back sweetie!!! Hopefully the thieving bastard is done with you!!! FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!
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Old 02-16-2018, 02:37 PM   #3125
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*Big Hug* Welcome back sweetie!!! Hopefully the thieving bastard is done with you!!! FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!
Thanks...
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