A Second Submission

theAmateur · Aug 15, 2014

Here is my second story. It's been put in Exhibitionist & Voyeur as it takes place in a public place even though there's no public display.

http://www.literotica.com/s/sandra-dee

It's very short and almost wrote itself. It uses a 'monologue' type of narration, no dialog, just the thoughts inside her head. This is a style I haven't seen here before, I'd be interested to find out if there are others like it.

Your comments would be appreciated

sdsioux · Aug 15, 2014

There was just something about the writing that caused it to read in a choppy manner. It should have flowed and it would have been better.

theAmateur · Aug 15, 2014

sdsioux said:
There was just something about the writing that caused it to read in a choppy manner. It should have flowed and it would have been better.

Sorry you didn't enjoy it. It was deliberately 'choppy' - I was trying to accentuate the urgency of her immediate thoughts and lust with the slower pace of description and recap. Maybe it didn't work too well.

Ah well, it's all a learning process.

robertreams · Aug 15, 2014

very hot, but so disappointing so short, barely enough time to get half hard, but still a 4 on my 1-5 peter meter.

The writing however is too choppy. Don't get me wrong, I like the switching back and forth from the normalcy of the pub to the intensity of those damn fingers. But! You did not watch your tenses closely enough you are all over the place form past to past perfect to present. Also, the contrast would have been heightened if you had thrown in a little table banter and dart game going on n the corner and some banal conversation, a bit more contrasting normalcy adding to reality. Think about it. Could i really get you to orgasm so easily and quickly (about 2 minutes) with jut a bit of rubbing. More excitement needs to be added to the danger of being caught. Maybe while his fingers are in her, someone should ask her opinion on something, or ask her to dance or play darts. Also when your protagonist is talking to herself, it would read better I think if you would put her words in quotes. Here's a hint maybe the pub owner should start their way so she thiks she's about to be discovered, but false alarm, or a waiter comes over to take drink orders, something along those lines.

theAmateur · Aug 17, 2014

robertreams said:
very hot, but so disappointing so short, barely enough time to get half hard, but still a 4 on my 1-5 peter meter.

The writing however is too choppy. Don't get me wrong, I like the switching back and forth from the normalcy of the pub to the intensity of those damn fingers. But! You did not watch your tenses closely enough you are all over the place form past to past perfect to present. Also, the contrast would have been heightened if you had thrown in a little table banter and dart game going on n the corner and some banal conversation, a bit more contrasting normalcy adding to reality. Think about it. Could i really get you to orgasm so easily and quickly (about 2 minutes) with jut a bit of rubbing. More excitement needs to be added to the danger of being caught. Maybe while his fingers are in her, someone should ask her opinion on something, or ask her to dance or play darts. Also when your protagonist is talking to herself, it would read better I think if you would put her words in quotes. Here's a hint maybe the pub owner should start their way so she thiks she's about to be discovered, but false alarm, or a waiter comes over to take drink orders, something along those lines.

Thanks for your suggestions. I will take them on board - I'm still learning this craft!

Regarding tenses, I had intended the italics represent her current, urgent thoughts present tense). She starts to recap on how she got here (past tense) and ultimately catches up to the 'now'.

Maybe I need to look at that again if it isn't working out as intended.

Thanks again for your input. Glad you still liked it!

A Second Submission

theAmateur

Virgin

sdsioux

Really Really Experienced

theAmateur

Virgin

robertreams

Literotica Guru

theAmateur

Virgin

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