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not sure if this is bsdm

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RepressedGuy

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Sep 19, 2012
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Lately I've been having this long held urges demanding to be expressed. It's like, I've always had them, but been too ashamed, or felt they were morally wrong, or something ..but I couldn't act on them. And I still can't. Not yet. But I feel like I'm getting close to a damn breaking, and I'm a little afraid of the fury that might be unleashed when it finally does.

Usually the sex with my woman is fairly vanilla by most standards .. various positions, a few toys, some mutual oral, light spanking, all very consensual ..but I've always felt these desires to just come in and totally dominate ... perhaps a good way to describe it is almost as if I'm acting out the aggressor role in a rape fantasy. I imagine some chasing, struggle, rough sexual acts ... obviously I'm not suggesting real rape. But somehow, I haven't believed it was OK to do this ..but now .. it's like I have to, or I'm going to be living through slow torture by not expressing myself in the way that I need to.

I'm not at all sure she's going to like it, but I need to find out. And I can't exactly tell her, "hey, expect a surprise rape fantasy" as it seems like it would take away from it somehow.

I really don't know what I'm doing ..I just know I need her to struggle so that I can force myself upon her ..

I have no clue what I'm doing, just primal urges that need to play out.

Thank you for listening.

RG
 
RepressedGuy said:
Lately I've been having this long held urges demanding to be expressed. It's like, I've always had them, but been too ashamed, or felt they were morally wrong, or something ..but I couldn't act on them. And I still can't. Not yet. But I feel like I'm getting close to a damn breaking, and I'm a little afraid of the fury that might be unleashed when it finally does.

Usually the sex with my woman is fairly vanilla by most standards .. various positions, a few toys, some mutual oral, light spanking, all very consensual ..but I've always felt these desires to just come in and totally dominate ... perhaps a good way to describe it is almost as if I'm acting out the aggressor role in a rape fantasy. I imagine some chasing, struggle, rough sexual acts ... obviously I'm not suggesting real rape. But somehow, I haven't believed it was OK to do this ..but now .. it's like I have to, or I'm going to be living through slow torture by not expressing myself in the way that I need to.

I'm not at all sure she's going to like it, but (1) I need to find out. And I can't exactly tell her, "hey, expect a surprise rape fantasy" as (2) it seems like it would take away from it somehow.

I really don't know what I'm doing .. (3)I just know I need her to struggle so that I can force myself upon her ..

(4) I have no clue what I'm doing, just primal urges that need to play out.

Thank you for listening.

RG
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(1) You do need to find out, because if you don't, she could have you charged with domestic violence and/or sexual battery.
(2) You can't really have it be a *total* surprise to her, because if it is, she could have you charged with domestic violence and/or sexual battery.
(3) This is a recognized and understandable bit of paraphilia. Don't think you're flipping your lid.
(4) You're right. The good part to that is that you've come to one of the best places on the entire Interwebz to get sensible answers.

One of the most frequent - and most important - pieces of advice we dispense here is that you MUST communicate with your partner before you get into anything of an extreme nature. MUST. Unless, of course, you're okay with the thought of her having you charged with domestic violence and/or sexual battery. Just remember, in most states now, even if the aggrieved party tries to withdraw her complaint, the STATE will continue with efforts toward a conviction... and they're remarkably good at *getting* those convictions.

Talk to her. You can "ease into it" if you wish, but make sure you end up getting to the point - unless she shuts you down really really quickly. Once you've discussed it, and she lets you know where her limits are, whether she's willing to give this a shot, SET UP A FREAKIN' SAFEWORD, and make sure you're both very familiar with it and can remember it.

"Deoxyribonucleic acid" is not a good safeword. "Green, yellow, red" are a good set of condition words, with "red" being the safeword and both of you need to understand and agree that "red" means, "This scene is shut down, dead, ended forever." (Not the type of activity, of course: *this* scene.) Then after emotions and passions have had a chance to cool down, discuss exactly WHY she safeworded, how she felt at the time, etc., etc., etc. Communication is a must in *any* relationship; in a BDSM relationship/scenario it's a MUST.

And remember, (back to number 2 above) if you discuss it beforehand, you can also discuss the possibility of you picking a time of which she is not aware of your plans to put them into action. There will be surprise, and unless she's one of those people who just can't lie in any way, shape or form, she should be able to play her role satisfactorily.

Good luck, and welcome to the BDSM Talk forum.
 
Yes, this is a common fantasy/feeling for both men and women. I've always wished my partners would be more forceful with me. It can be a hard thing to bring up and exactly like Sir. W said, if she's not into it, you could be in major trouble.
Can I suggest reading some stories here until you find one that turns your screw, send her the link with a note saying it turns you on and what does she think?
There is also a BDSM pic thread, you could send her a pic of a scene and see if she is turned on or appalled.
It'll open up the conversation at least.
 
Are you prepared for her to be completely disinterested and freaked out?

Because no matter how cool the two of you are together, this can happen. Ask me how I know. No, don't.

Just think carefully about what you want to take the lid off of, and what you're prepared to sacrifice for your desires.

If you can find a way to make "sounds like" "seems like" or "feels like" enough, then you may want to work with that more.
 
Netzach said:
If you can find a way to make "sounds like" "seems like" or "feels like" enough, then you may want to work with that more.
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Some of my "go to" memories are of exes in that "gotta have you NOW" mode. Ya know when you're preoccupied and not expecting it. Tops are pushed up, panties tugged aside, just taken. hot.
 
If I were in a relationship with a man and he did that to me by surprise I would most likely be happy after. I would struggle enough but not so much that he would stop. I am totally insane though, so it's probably a good idea to find out first.

I was in a relationship that broke up. He came to my house for something. I was so mad at him for various reasons that I slapped him in the face. He'd had enough of me, and we struggled. He used force to get me into the bedroom, and onto the bed. It was really great. I almost considered going back to him.
 
When we were young, we played out a lot of different fantasies - and we never discussed them beforehand. All of a sudden, we'd find ourselves in the middle of a "rape" or "molestation" that one of us initiated by a comment or a gesture that the other one simply accepted.

Outside the bedroom, we worked together as actors, so it wasn't too difficult to fall into roles that felt like both fact and fiction at the same time. And we were trained to improvise together - so we knew how to pick up and carry the "storyline" without a lot of preplanning.

What we discovered, in the process, was that it really turned us on - all this rape and molestation play. We didn't hash it out afterwards either. We just went on and found ourselves in a new game the next time around.

There's no guarantee that your partner will respond the way you want her to - but I have loved where my husband takes me - especially when he takes me there by surprise. If you're used to listening to each other - and even more importantly, saying "yes" to each other's suggestions - you can edge into some pretty interesting territory without having to map it out ahead of time.
 
sweepthefloor said:
If I were in a relationship with a man and he did that to me by surprise I would most likely be happy after. I would struggle enough but not so much that he would stop. I am totally insane though, so it's probably a good idea to find out first.

I was in a relationship that broke up. He came to my house for something. I was so mad at him for various reasons that I slapped him in the face. He'd had enough of me, and we struggled. He used force to get me into the bedroom, and onto the bed. It was really great. I almost considered going back to him.
Click to expand...


Hot! Angry sex is so yummy.

To the OP, you are getting advice from a bunch of kinky women and we don't know your relationship or partner or how open minded she may or may not be. Just keep that in mind.
 
Loverskitten said:
Some of my "go to" memories are of exes in that "gotta have you NOW" mode. Ya know when you're preoccupied and not expecting it. Tops are pushed up, panties tugged aside, just taken. hot.
Click to expand...

One person's hot is another person's catatonic flashback, so it pays to ask.
 
The doms of lit have met in solemn conclave on midsummer's eve and examined the pressing business of the year.

This case was ruled NOT BDSM.


....but do you care? It's not bdsm, but so what?


"bee dee ess em" lol.
 
You're getting really good advice. To echo it, if you want the scenario you want, you really do have to talk to the woman in question. Her mileage may definitely vary from what you see women expressing here on both sides of the question. You must have this conversation because you could hurt her. Physically, yes, but also mentally and emotionally because as Netzach states: "one person's hot is another person's catatonic flashback, so it does pay to ask."

You also should ask yourself the following questions. How do you see this experience ending? Is she sobbing? Begging you to stop? Or is she changing her tune as the sex progresses? Has she gone from unwilling to I'll kill you if you stop this? That should also inform your discussion with her.

As a sidenote: if you are looking to feel her struggle beneath you; consider tickling her during sex. It's not the same as the rape fantasy. However, as Netzach suggested, experimenting with what could feel like, and be close to that feeling you're looking for is much safer than going directly for the rape fantasy. If she's ticklish, it's a good bet she'd struggle and that may help to keep the lid on while you negotiate the finer details.
 
You also should ask yourself the following questions. How do you see this experience ending? Is she sobbing? Begging you to stop? Or is she changing her tune as the sex progresses? Has she gone from unwilling to I'll kill you if you stop this? That should also inform your discussion with her.
Click to expand...

Holy fuck,this is blindingly good advice. Sonja, I've never seen this put into words before!

You so win, girl. :rose::rose:

ETA and the tickling suggestion, too.
 
Red Sonja said:
You also should ask yourself the following questions. How do you see this experience ending? Is she sobbing? Begging you to stop? Or is she changing her tune as the sex progresses? Has she gone from unwilling to I'll kill you if you stop this? That should also inform your discussion with her.

As a sidenote: if you are looking to feel her struggle beneath you; consider tickling her during sex. It's not the same as the rape fantasy. However, as Netzach suggested, experimenting with what could feel like, and be close to that feeling you're looking for is much safer than going directly for the rape fantasy. If she's ticklish, it's a good bet she'd struggle and that may help to keep the lid on while you negotiate the finer details.
Click to expand...

Thanks to everyone for your responses. This is some really good advice! I haven't even considered how these scenario ends ..I've been too caught up in thinking about how to realize it.

A few years ago, when we first met, she mentioned having a rape fantasy, at least at some point. It was just a brief comment, and we haven't discussed it since. Too bad I wasn't more evolved such that I could have taken advantage of it then. Last night, I did test the waters by telling her I'm having desires to chase her and feel her struggle against me. Her response wasn't an excited "hell yes!" but she did say I should "just do it, then." So, I'm taking this to mean she is interested enough to play along, at least once. Though, I plan to take your collective advice and discuss it a little more pointedly before anything happens.

I'm thinking about props and can't decide whether it's better to obscure my appearance completely, partially, or not at all. Just curious, for some of you ladies that have experienced this, does it make a difference if there's an illusion of it being a stranger? For instance ..wearing a ski mask, a bandanna concealing the face, or was it more about the role play, and it didn't really matter?

Thanks,
RG
 
A woman who says "you should just do it then" in MY experience (from having been that woman) is saying "Oh Hell Yeah" in lady-like "I don't want to have to be responsible for this" kind of way.

I would say, give her the upper-medium range of what you really want to do, if you know what I mean.

And then-- if she loves it-- she's going to have to pull her grown up panties on, and not expect you to be a mind reader.

And yeah, maybe a dashing and sexy bandanna over the face. :D
 
RepressedGuy said:
Her response wasn't an excited "hell yes!" but she did say I should "just do it, then."
Click to expand...

Okay I have to say that this worries me a little and I would not be so gung ho if I were you.

I understand that at one point she talked about having a rape fantasy and that's all well and good but the fact that she didn't even stop to discuss parameters or anything would have me screeching to a halt.

To me this sounds like (and Stella noted this) that she doesn't want to assume any responsibility for the play. But that leaves you to carry all of it. Which means that if things go bad.... guess who gets the blame. And the cops called.

I would step back and talk about this some more. Negotiate those words and boundaries before playing out this particular fantasy.

Good luck!
 
Maybe. That was "yes please" for women who still believe that if they are proactive in their desires they are sluts, or it isn't 'real' BDSM. Trust me on this one. I know.

But yeah-- you could ask her if that meant "yes please."

She has to learn that there is nothing shameful in having rape fantasies and also-- nothing shameful in negotiating how she fantasises the 'rape' to go.

Tell her you worry that you might miss something crucial to her enjoyment-- simply because she kept it secret.
 
Nah, I think, no I'm sure "just do it then" means "get off your pansy ass and take me, hard"
 
You should definitely agree on a safeword beforehand. She might freak totally out and need to pull the ripcord, and you need to provide her with a way out.

That said, even knowing she can safeword out might put her in the right frame of mind to see it through.

J

Stella_Omega said:
Maybe. That was "yes please" for women who still believe that if they are proactive in their desires they are sluts, or it isn't 'real' BDSM. Trust me on this one. I know.

But yeah-- you could ask her if that meant "yes please."

She has to learn that there is nothing shameful in having rape fantasies and also-- nothing shameful in negotiating how she fantasises the 'rape' to go.

Tell her you worry that you might miss something crucial to her enjoyment-- simply because she kept it secret.
Click to expand...
 
Stella_Omega said:
A woman who says "you should just do it then" in MY experience (from having been that woman) is saying "Oh Hell Yeah" in lady-like "I don't want to have to be responsible for this" kind of way.
Click to expand...

I completely agree with this ^ .... been there, done that and have thankfully evolved to a point where I don't worry about being a slut ... since i now happily admit that I am :D
 
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