Humor Thread

African Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African Americans, said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Handley_Page said:

Finding Jesus

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Click to expand...

You posted this one already...just saying...oops.

Apparently a Genuine 911 Call:

Woman: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there." [giggle]

Dispatcher: "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?"

Woman: "No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have an orgasm."

Dispatcher: "I'm sorry, did you say 'orgasm'?"

Woman: "Yes. Am I doing them right?"

Dispatcher: "Sounds like it to me."

I like this one:-

Even more useless facts.

5% of Americans never get married.

5% of Americans say they “never” make their beds.

The average person moves their residence 11 times in their life, about once every 6 years.

Your left hand does an average of 56% of your typing.

It takes an average person seven minutes to fall asleap on an average night.

About 8% of the students at the Dunkin Doughnuts training center fail the six week course.

The Earth is turning to desert at a rate of 40 square miles per day.

99% of India’s truck drivers can’t read road signs.

80% of deaths in U.S. casinos are caused by sudden heart attacks.

12% of U.S. businessmen wear their ties so tight that they restrict the blood flow to their brain.


Conception occurs more often in December than any other month.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace

If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go until One thousand before you would find the letter “A”

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight“.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s“

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the Rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase Inspired by this practice.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden…. and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Mothers pregnant with boys are less forgetful than those carrying girls!

The filming of the movie ‘Titanic’ cost more than the Titanic itself!

The warmest temperature ever recorded on Antarctica was 3 degrees F.

About 1 in 30 people in the U.S. are in jail, on probation, or on parole.

Eighty percent of Americans will be the victim of violent crime at least once in their lifetime.

Yahoo! was originally called ‘Jerry’s Guide to the World Wide Web’.

The word taxi is spelled the same in English, German, French, Swedish and Portuguese.

Flamingos can only eat with their heads upside down.

Babies start dreaming even before they’re born.

Your brain is 80% water.

Brazil's health minister has agreeably proposed that more nookie could help the population combat the effects of chronic illness.

José Gomes Temporão used the launch of a campaign to prevent high blood pressure to warn of a health "time bomb" which within 20 years would see a good whack of Brazilians suffering hypertension, runaway cholesterol and diabetes.

He said: "People need to be active. A weekend football game must not be the only physical activity for a Brazilian. Adults need to do exercise: walk, dance and have safe sex."

According to the Telegraph, Temporão was later obliged to defend his plan to journalists. He insisted: "It's not a joke. It's serious. Having regular physical exercises also means sex, always with protection of course."

While Brazilians may well need a bit of a prod to get them off the sofa, it's debatable whether they're slacking in the sack. The population currently stands at around 190 million - something Temporão perhaps had in mind when he cautioned against unprotected rumpa-pumpa. ®

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

redpaint said:

Your brain is 80% water.

Click to expand...

And the other 20% is Fat.

Information:
.....................Whole Brain (%)
Water...............77 to 78
Lipids ...............10 to 12
Protein...................8
Carbohydrate..........1
Soluble organic substances...2
Inorganic salts.........1

Lipids are a broad group of naturally-occurring molecules which includes fats, waxes, sterols, fat-soluble vitamins (such as vitamins A, D, E and K), monoglycerides, diglycerides, phospholipids, and others. The main biological functions of lipids include energy storage, as structural components of cell membranes, and as important signaling molecules.

Who says you can't learn on a porn board????

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."





You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

Alibi

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

How to Catch A Grizzly Bear

Find an open space in the bear's territory.

Dig a big hole; one too boig for the bear to climb out of.

Build a fire in the hole and keep feeding it wood until the hole is completely filled with ashes.

Open a can of sweet peas and place the peas individually so they are even spaced around the perimiter of the hole filled with ashes.

Hide nearby.

...



...


...


...


...


...


...


...

When the Grizzly Bear comes out to take a pea, kick him him in the ash hole.

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?

'Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you idiot.'

If you don't get it, don't ask.

Being Unfriendly

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.

Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

Lurid Past

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Snail

A snail walks into a bar and the bartender kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"


Cows

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!".

Dead Elephant

A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

To get acquainted with his new parish, the new Priest decided to call on a new parishioner every day until he got to know most of them.

One day he selected a young widow, whose husband, according to the index card supplied him by the parish office, had died two years ago.

After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms.

He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Smith."

"You've found her Father," smiled the lady.

"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms.

"That's correct Father," she replied. "He did, but I didn't."

Desert

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert because their car broke down. The redhead grabs some water, the brunette grabs some food, and the blonde grabs the car door. They began walking, when the redhead turns to the brunette and says," Why did you bring the food?" She replies, " Well in case i get hungry, i can eat it. Why did you bring water?" The redhead replies, " Well in case i get thirsty, i can drink it." Then they both turn to the blonde and say, " Why did you bring the car door?" She replies, " Well in case i get hot, i can roll down the window."

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look
at TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways
to communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results: scroll down.


God is like.
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like.
A FORD
He's got a better idea..

God is like.
COKE
He's the real thing.

God is like.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like.
TIDE
He gets the stains out others leave behind. ..

God is like.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like.
WAL-MART
He has everything.

God is like.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him

God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

God is like..
DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like.
VO-5 Hair Spray ;
He holds through all kinds of weather

God is like.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

God is like .
The U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from
His appointed destination.

God is like.
Chevrolet. . . .the heart beat of America

God is like
Maxwell House. .... .
Good to the very last drop

God is like.
B o u n t y . . . .
He is the quicker picker upper. . Can handle the tough jobs. ..
And He won't fall apart on you

lying

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

What is it?

The people who make it don't want it. The people who buy it don't use it. The people who use it don't know it. What is it?

I
I
I
I
I
I
I
The Answer:

A coffin: The people who make it aren't going to want a coffin and the people who buy it don't use it on their self. The people who use it don't know it because they're dead

Old Farts

Never mind

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.