Reboot Sex Drive with Wife

howtogethard

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Dec 29, 2017
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Hi all,

Late 30s male here and I would like the advice of this community. I have been lurking for a while so I am familiar with it.

Over the past couple years, I have noticed a gradual loss of desire with my wife. I am not sure how much of it is due to my age, genes, lowering T, or lost attraction with my wife. Before, I could get hard easily and now it is a struggle to be intimate.

It could be psychological since apparently I have no problem in my sleep, or with some effort I can read stories or posts here and get excited, but nothing in the bedroom. I don't want to look/read too much here lest I cause an addiction making me have to go to NoFap, but it is nice to know that the equipment still works.

It could be biological because I got a test a year back that showed a lower than usual count. And I also notice that I can tell when women are pretty but not be attracted, more often, which was initially welcome as long as any lust could be directed at my wife, but it seems to be hurting that too.

I don't want to be the guy version of a dead bedroom. I don't want to take Viagra and I don't want to see if it is just lack of attraction or familiarity by cheating. If it is low T, any suggestions? If it is psychological, any ideas as to what I can do to fix that too?

Thanks in advance.
 
Long winded rambling incoming!!

Hello howtogethard.

First off, don't neglect the white coated menaces in favor of anything I say. I'm not one and don't pretend to be.

Having said that, I've been down (and up) more than few gravel roads (some on my face), including a misspent college experience studying shit like this. (That was however a long time ago and I'm sure there have been more breakthroughs than just the Wascally Wabbit vibrator.)

Frankly, I wouldn't put money on any of the four you mentioned above the others without a metric ton of test results and two more opinions to back me up.

In no particular order;

The sad fact is God played the ultimate practical joke by giving women their sexual peak while men are on the decline. However, quite a bit of this is exacerbated by lousy diet and exercise regimen. Pump up the cardio and weights and look to your diet.

Water is your buddy. Sodas and alcohol etcetera are not. Caffeine actually dehydrates you and refined sugar does it's part as well. If it fizzes, you've got a double whammy as the CO2 ties up hemoglobin that should be transporting 02.

Nicotine use, especially smoking, takes more than just the edge off. Giving them up will help you get it up.

Other drugs vary, but I haven't heard anything good long term or short except from stoners wanting an excuse to get other people to buy product. (No personal experience to draw from, sorry. But, I trust the stat sheets.)

Speaking of drug pushers, if the white coated menaces have you on prescriptions, and you're actually taking them, double check with the RX about if any might have a negative impact.

Um, de dum. What am I missing?

Oh. T counts. While there are supplements available, I tend to approach any but herbal organics with more than hint of caution. I did take some pushed by Herbalife for awhile, but since I was in my twenties and already getting it up every time the wind blew, couldn't say just how good it was.

Dude, don't neglect your beauty sleep. If you are still up after ten and have the alarm set at six or earlier (and don't wake before it goes off), you ain't getting enough. The body needs a good third of our spin just to heal the damage you've done to it wearing it around. The brain needs that much to deal with the penny ante bullshit you've been faced with. As a general rule, if you need an alarm clock or something to tell you to wake the hell up and face another day, you ain't getting the rest you need. Your body and brain should get you up and moving when it's had enough to repair the ravages.

Destress. And yeah, I know what bullshit that is. And, no, I don't have any good recommendations for you. Diet and exercise will help. Getting plenty of rest will too. Beyond that some people like meditation while it just drives others batshit crazy. Others swear by DDP Yoga. I don't know. I would just say find what works for you to help you dump the stress.

Now, for the hard part.

"Oh, shit." Right?

Looked at objectively, just the fact you are worried enough about giving wifey what she wants is a good sign. It means the spark isn't just a dying ember. Rather than try to type up all that again, I would just refer you to another long ass post I responded to LanguageofLove in her thread over here about rebuilding the magic if you are interested. (Not that my advice is any great shakes, but some of the others seemed to know what they were talking about.)

Any road, that's about all I can think of off the top of my head, so I'll cede the floor to someone else who might have a better clue (and need fewer words to say it).

But, best of luck in your endeavors to rebuild your sexual stamina and libido.
 
Well, PuckIt pretty much covered everything most thoroughly (well done with that!).

The only thing I'll add is that a general physical with a blood work-up could provide some useful information. And if it is low testosterone, that's a relatively simple fix.

Good for you trying to be proactive about it.

Best of luck to you. :)
 
Thanks PuckIt and clistenovena for those thoughts. I am going to a doctor soon to check out and find what the levels are. I am starting to do many of the things you have mentioned. Thankfully I was never a smoker.

My big fear is that it really is psychological. Biological issues can be known at least and relatively easily addressed, but psychological issues of attraction or marital stress would be much harder to deal with.
 
Something that wasn't clear from your original post is whether what you are going through really is a problem. You don't say, for example, if your wife is upset at your change in attitude. People do change as they age. That may or may not be a problem. If both partners change and both are content with the changes, then there's no problem. But if you have lost interest and your wife is frustrated, then you may have a problem.

There is no "right" level of sexual interest or activity. It varies from person to person, and from couple to couple. If your wife is O.K. with what's going on, then perhaps you do not have a problem. Maybe the right attitude in that case is to accept how things have changed rather than feel upset about them.
 
As with all things...communication communication communication. Have you mentioned anything to your wife?
 
Testosterone! <lololol>

Women have estrogen issues MEN have TESTOSTERONE issues -
what the hell are you smoking?
Well, PuckIt pretty much covered everything most thoroughly (well done with that!).

The only thing I'll add is that a general physical with a blood work-up could provide some useful information. And if it is low testosterone, that's a relatively simple fix.

Good for you trying to be proactive about it.

Best of luck to you. :)
 
Women have estrogen issues MEN have TESTOSTERONE issues - what the hell are you smoking?

Why are you attacking Clistenovena? OP is a man, so talking about testosterone is relevant. It's also important to understand the relationship between estrogen and testosterone in men as we age. Body fat contains aromatase, an enzyme that converts testosterone into estrogen. Having extra estrogen floating around your system triggers your body to slow its production of testosterone. Without delving into the differences between total and free testosterone, if low testosterone is an issue then working on getting rid of extra weight is a good thing.

As someone who is in my 50s, suffers from low testosterone, and has been monogamous with the same woman for almost 25 years I can say that a lot of what you (howtogethard) are feeling is both normal and not insurmountable. Monogamous sex is a journey of discovery, including how we respond both physically and mentally as time passes. The Coolidge Effect is a thing, but we humans have a lot of options that rats don't have.

Some of the most basic suggestions I'll add have to do with simply changing up the routine. When we're dating and in the honeymoon phase of our marriage/relationships we are having new experiences and learning new things about each other. Once we've settled into the routine of a long marriage, opportunities for those experiences dwindle, which I think can lead to sexual boredom. An approach that I have found useful is trying new things together, such as going to a new museum or a new restaurant that we haven't been to before. Or, just taking a Sunday drive to a park we haven't been to in a while. The newness of the experience can help break the 'been there, done that' doldrums. I think that leads to renewed sexual passion too.

I think that when people talk about "trying to spice things up in the bedroom" by trying new things, this is part of what's happening. New lingerie, new positions, new and different anything helps stimulate the brain, our largest sex organ. It shakes up the routine and builds excitement. But in my experience this applies outside of the bedroom too. The random "I just stopped in to take you to lunch", random "how's your day going?" phone calls, and to a lesser extent texts can help keep the mundane routine at bay. There are decks of cards with random positions and sexual suggestions that you can use to mix things up too.

By extension, penciling in sex on the calendar can be a big help. When my wife and I were in our sexless years (she had no interest), we explored some options. One of them was just agreeing that we will create opportunities for intimacy, whether or not arousal and intercourse happened. That involved lots of random touching and face time both inside and outside of the bedroom, but also doing some scheduling. Just knowing that we'll have sex on Saturday, thinking and talking about it as Saturday approached led to more anticipation and excitement by moving foreplay outside of the bedroom. Saying, "lets go have a nice dinner and then we'll have sex" gives you the opportunity to think about sex and flirt during dinner. In our experience having opportunities for intimacy helped "prime the pump" for actual sex.

Another idea is to take advantage of something called "Excitement Transference". The idea is that doing something non-sexual that is exciting together with your spouse can lead to increased sexual excitement together. For example, playing an exciting video game together, watching a scary movie, riding a roller coaster, and other things that stimulate you can lead to sexual excitement because (psychologists say) that excitement is often transferred to sexual feelings for the person that you do them with because your brain doesn't do a great job of differentiating between sexual excitement and the excitement of watching thriller. The theory is that this helps explain why people get sexually excited watching violence, but that's a completely different subject.

We also found that "faking it until you make it" actually works. There have been many times over the years when one of us isn't aroused yet helps the other out with oral or an extra hand for masturbation. Helping the other get turned on, watching them, and giving them a helping hand or mouth can put a little lighter fluid on the sexual desire of the one of us who might not be quite in the game. As someone who has a minor ED problem, I also have a stash of the little blue pill if my wife's in the mood and I'm on the fence. It doesn't make me horny, but makes erections easier and harder. Watching and listening to her is enough to let the pill do it's job :).

As a "Low T" sufferer I can say that getting therapy has helped with much more than libido. My every day mojo, ability to concentrate at work, improved mood, and improved energy have all contributed to my interest in sex, including with my wife. Part of my therapy has been educating myself about the risks associated with therapy, and realizing that it does have to be a part of a commitment to being healthier.

My last suggestion is somewhat out there on the fringe, and not supported by anything other than personal observation. Some people find that changing their approach to sex and the 'end goal' of sex helps reinvigorate their relationships. It goes by different names such as "Kerezza" or Coitus reservatus. The idea is that orgasm and ejaculation don't have to be the goal of sex, putting the focus on other aspects of the relationship. I can only say that the times that we've had sex and I haven't orgasmed have lead to more anticipation and enthusiasm for future encounters :).

The biggest thing that I've learned going through a sexless marriage and now age related issues is that a willingness to learn, explore, and approach the issues as a couple rather than as individuals is paramount.
 
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As with all things...communication communication communication. Have you mentioned anything to your wife?

I have got to agree with that!
My wife & I gout out of our rut years ago, by just learning how to talk about all things sexual.
Important not to blurt out things like "you want me to do what to your what!!!!"

Just talk.

:)
 
One thing you haven’t mentioned is whether you have kids.
If you have kids, I wonder if there are issues both with real exhaustion outside of sleep and also the shift in seeing your wife as a lover to seeing her as a mother and not wanting to sexualize that.
 
Work out. Trust me, I was already a sex maniac, but when I started a daily fitness regime that really pushed me to my mental and physical maximum, I wanted to have sex constantly. My poor wife lol...

And having good cardio helps your stamina too I think.

According to science, the workouts should boost your testosterone, and thus your libido.
 
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