Coping with unmet BDSM needs

Long story short; I have been without a Dom for too long & expect to be so for awhile longer for various reasons. (ditto on the romance & sex ends too, since I prefer that to all be the same person)

I'm managing somehow (through different means at different times), but I'm curious about what different ways other people have to cope with having to forgo their needs due to personal circumstance.

To be clear, I'm not talking about things that'd be really nice but that are just things we want (I'm sure most of us have a good list of those), or that you can reasonably placate without too much trouble (such as masturbating to quiet a libedo). I mean things that you think about constantly when deprived of, feel like a part of who you are, can't fill on your own, & that are taxing on your mental/emotional well-being to ignore.

This question is aimed mainly at subs and is focused on D/s needs, but others are of course, more than welcome to join.

CollarAndFeather said:

Long story short; I have been without a Dom for too long & expect to be so for awhile longer for various reasons. (ditto on the romance & sex ends too, since I prefer that to all be the same person)

I'm managing somehow (through different means at different times), but I'm curious about what different ways other people have to cope with having to forgo their needs due to personal circumstance.

To be clear, I'm not talking about things that'd be really nice but that are just things we want (I'm sure most of us have a good list of those), or that you can reasonably placate without too much trouble (such as masturbating to quiet a libedo). I mean things that you think about constantly when deprived of, feel like a part of who you are, can't fill on your own, & that are taxing on your mental/emotional well-being to ignore.

This question is aimed mainly at subs and is focused on D/s needs, but others are of course, more than welcome to join.

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I would have to identify as others, because I can't fully relate to your situation.

The bolded part of your post stood out to me, because I think dwelling on things we can't change is something to be avoided as much as we can.
It sounds ridiculous but it can help to decide on a set time everyday to worry, fret, rage or whatever you need intensly for 10 minutes or so.

I'm not sure if this is the answer you are looking for, but personally, I had a Dom for a while, and I was in heaven. I loved the dominance, the control, everything that came with it...except I eventually started craving the more vanilla side to a relationship. I wanted the occasional cuddling, the hand-holding during a movie, etc. Not all the time, but I wanted a Dom that could be both, and he couldn't be. I found someone who is a dominant lover, not as dominant as I might like, but I also got the rest of the package so to speak.

It would depend on what you personally need from a D/s relationship. If it is the need to please someone perhaps your job can give you that kind of satisfaction if you go above and beyond. Or perhaps volunteer or join an organization where you can follow someone's lead. I have a friend who was in a similar position as yourself who joined a church and the rituals of the services helped her.

What exactly do you need from a D/s relationship?

You can't always get what you want, especially where love and sex partners are concerned.

I have immensely strong desires that will never ever in my life ever get met because they're physically impossible. How do I cope? I drink, I write, I cook, I do something else. I'm a trans person that will never have my gender be recognized by anyone who I don't specifically ask very nicely (and even then it's a crapshoot). How do I cope? I drink, I write, I cook, I do something else.

I've always had the strong desire to live alone, basically in the wilderness. No really, when I was a little kid I fantasized about living under overpasses or a cave in the mountains. I cope by gardening in cut up 2 liter bottles on the patio, walking everywhere, raising red worms, and practicing my fire drill skills. I also drink, write, cook, and do something else. You gotta have hope, but at the same time you can't let that hope consume you.

Distract the shit out of yourself until an opportunity comes along.

Rain_child14 said:

I'm not sure if this is the answer you are looking for, but personally, I had a Dom for a while, and I was in heaven. I loved the dominance, the control, everything that came with it...except I eventually started craving the more vanilla side to a relationship. I wanted the occasional cuddling, the hand-holding during a movie, etc. Not all the time, but I wanted a Dom that could be both, and he couldn't be. I found someone who is a dominant lover, not as dominant as I might like, but I also got the rest of the package so to speak.

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I can't imagine a true dom not wanting to hold hands or cuddle/snuggle with his sub. I can understand a certain amount of "protocol" in D/s but IMHO a dom who does not understand all the needs of his sub is not a real dom but just "a taker" in a lopsided relationship.

ArkansasPrimal said:

I can't imagine a true dom not wanting to hold hands or cuddle/snuggle with his sub. I can understand a certain amount of "protocol" in D/s but IMHO a dom who does not understand all the needs of his sub is not a real dom but just "a taker" in a lopsided relationship.

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Not everyone does these things the same way.
I see no reason to put down the way other people handle their interactions. They are just as true and real to them as your way is to you.

CollarAndFeather said:

Long story short; I have been without a Dom for too long & expect to be so for awhile longer for various reasons. (ditto on the romance & sex ends too, since I prefer that to all be the same person)

I'm managing somehow (through different means at different times), but I'm curious about what different ways other people have to cope with having to forgo their needs due to personal circumstance.

To be clear, I'm not talking about things that'd be really nice but that are just things we want (I'm sure most of us have a good list of those), or that you can reasonably placate without too much trouble (such as masturbating to quiet a libedo). I mean things that you think about constantly when deprived of, feel like a part of who you are, can't fill on your own, & that are taxing on your mental/emotional well-being to ignore.

This question is aimed mainly at subs and is focused on D/s needs, but others are of course, more than welcome to join.

Click to expand...

Don't bother. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.

This Is From My Experience not a Rant:

I'm not putting anyone down or judging anyone off handedly,

I don't care if the relationship is vanilla or of something in the D/s community.

It still boils down to fulfilling each others needs. That's what I'm talking about. Does not matter if it's a couple or some sort of poly relationship.

They need to communicate with each other or their relationship won't last for long if they won't meet each others needs. Or on the flip side think it's something that it is not.

I know couples in the local kink community that have long term relationships that have various different ways of expressing their love for each other. I also know others that just want something like a spanking, flogging or whatever at a play party and nothing more. But from people they know and trust. And to me that's all cool.

It still boils down to what the people involved in the relationship want out of that relationship.

And I will stand by what I say a Real Dom will tell a submissive that he/she is not what he/she is looking for if that is the truth. Be honest don't lie to get your jollies off from someone who is vulnerable.

Like it or not there are predatory people masking themselves as Doms or Subs and are out to use people for their own selfish needs to the emotional, physical and financial ruin of those taken in by them.

Same as "gold diggers" in vanilla life.
That's the reason we have Mentors,Protectors and just plain friends in the community who lookout for each other.

I will also add their are the newbies and the HNG's that are well meaning who are exploring and just need experience and guidance. But in a rush of emotion and hormones can both be damaged and/or unintentionally damage someone else.

Communicate, get to know each other, develop trust between each other.

I understand that this is an erotic literature site and that's cool for inspiration but I'm talking here about the real world where real lives are involved.

I just don't want anyone to be hurt in a bad way.

Always-"Safe, Sane and Consensual"

Just because people in a relationship find out that their needs weren't compatible, it doesn't mean that one or more of them are less than real or true.
Sometimes they made a misstake from the start other times they evolved and find out new things about themselves.

Sure, there are people who lie about what they need or are willing to offer just to get what they want, but I don't see any reason to jump to the conclusion that this was the case with the person you quoted.

Sorry OP, none of this has anything to do with your question.

Surrender to the task of meeting your own needs as if your D had asked you to. Clean your life of the things that would prevent you from honoring and nurturing your best self on your D's behalf. Take a look at your life and find the places where you can expand to be your most genuine self more often.

When I am stumped on life stuffs, I lean into the idea of begin as you mean to continue. If you will live a certain way with this D in your life then make those changes now. What would you do differently when you wake up? How would self care and priorities for you change? How can you make space in your life for "them". Let this work be your devotion and fill the time you are waiting. You will learn a lot more about yourself and none of the efforts to love yourself more will be wasted.


Big hug and warmest wishes to you on your journey.

IrisAlthea said:

Just because people in a relationship find out that their needs weren't compatible, it doesn't mean that one or more of them are less than real or true.
Sometimes they made a misstake from the start other times they evolved and find out new things about themselves.

Sure, there are people who lie about what they need or are willing to offer just to get what they want, but I don't see any reason to jump to the conclusion that this was the case with the person you quoted.

Sorry OP, none of this has anything to do with your question.

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I think I covered mistakes new people can make as well in my second post, unless you didn't notice. I also tried to offer some constructive advice and examples.

But if you think my comment was irrelevant okay fine. I was just trying to say that a relationship without clear communication between partners will not work or it will remain lopsided. With one or both people ending up miserable.

And I think we are having a "Failure to Communicate here" so I'm not wasting my time on this thread anymore.

ArkansasPrimal said:

I think I covered mistakes new people can make as well in my second post, unless you didn't notice. I also tried to offer some constructive advice and examples.

But if you think my comment was irrelevant okay fine. I was just trying to say that a relationship without clear communication between partners will not work or it will remain lopsided. With one or both people ending up miserable.

And I think we are having a "Failure to Communicate here" so I'm not wasting my time on this thread anymore.

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OK, I'm really new here, and still reading my way through this board, but above seemed to be a bit rude to me, as it effectively killed the thread, and the OP's question.

A hissy fit over nothing to boot.

Pockle said:

OK, I'm really new here, and still reading my way through this board, but above seemed to be a bit rude to me, as it effectively killed the thread, and the OP's question.

A hissy fit over nothing to boot.

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Good call. Welcome to the BDSM Forum.

Felix_Jones said:

Don't bother. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.

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Do you seriously have nothing better to do? You're a worse troll than Primalex somehow.

CollarAndFeather I had to do a double take when I read your posting...

I've been in BDSM relationships off and on for 20 years now. I've also had several "vanilla" relationships. Unfortunately people don't come with a full disclosure. So just like everything else in life, it's a crapshoot. It's been 2 years or so since my last BDSM relationship which ended due to personal reasons not at all related to the relationship itself. I fully understand what you are going through and struggle almost every day with the intense sense of incompleteness in my life... But, I have to remind myself that even vanilla people feel this way at times when they are in between relationships, or stuck in unsatisfying relationships. We are not unique or special, we just haven't found the right person or situation yet.

Funny story... Just this past summer while I've been living the single life (hoping to meet a good guy who might turns out to have similar kinks as me)... My best friend hooks up with a guy and they get fairly serious. After just a couple of months I had the suspicion that he was a Dom and "into" BDSM, based on some of her stories to me, but I bit my tongue. Well, long story short, she ended up dumping him recently because she finally figured out that he was trying to incorporate BDSM into their relationship.

Imagine my horror! Here I am, hoping to meet someone just like that and here she is kicking him to the curb. Lol. My point is, keep looking, they exist. And in the mean time all you can do is your best. Chatting with like minded folks like people here and other BDSM websites has helped me just a bit, at least to keep my mind a bit occupied.

Good luck

This! For only the second time in 13 years, I am without a bdsm partner or Dom. I've played lightly once in almost 8 months. I feel like I'm going insane... My mind is awash in filth constantly. I find myself experiencing increased mood swings and feeling erratic and explosively angry all too often. It used to be my partner and I would have a session for many hours every other weekend; I'd be bruised and sore and exhausted, but feel shiny and new... Balanced. Refreshed. Calmer. Loved. Without this outlet of expression, I'm at a loss. Porn isn't even the same (my ex partner and I watched it together and used it as a tool for communicating our changing tastes and needs). I'm not sure what to do anymore.