Seeking Constructive Criticism on "Medusa's Trophy," "Medusa's Pleasure," and "Medusa's Proposal," My First Series Here.

Seeking Feedback on "Medusa's Trophy" and "Medusa's Pleasure,", My First Series Here

Author Name: SueDNimm
Story Name: Medusa's Trophy
Category: Sci Fi & Fantasy (Could also fall under Exhibitionist/Voyeur, NonConsent/Reluctance, or a few others)

Here's the link to the first story, "Medusa's Trophy."
Here's the link to the second story, "Medusa's Pleasure."
Here's the link to the third story, "Medusa's Proposal."

In most novels, plays, and movies, Medusa is portrayed as a straight-up monster. After reading up on her backstory in Greek mythology, I decided to try writing a different interpretation, and Literotica seemed like a fitting place to post it.

The comments I've had so far have encouraged me to make this a series.

If you have the time and interest, I crave constructive criticism to improve my writing by whatever means you prefer: comments on the stories, replies here, or direct messages.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

[I'm editing this post as I add new content to the series]

I enjoyed your story quite a bit. The pleasure in reading it is more literary than erotic, which probably goes down well enough with some readers (witness the high score) but not all. SciFi/Fantasy was a good choice, as the readership there tends to be pretty open minded.

Your prose is certainly very competent, although I'll point out that there's a missing word in the second sentence—a deficit of editing rather than composition, I'm sure. One technical piece of advice I can offer is that your story would look more professional if you used real em dashes instead of single text dashes (hyphens). Figure out how to get them in your text editor. Mine has an automatic substitution option to convert --- to —. Then when I cut and paste the text to submit it, the dash comes through and shows up correctly on the Lit page.

Your style is dense and precise, packing a lot of rich thought and detail into each paragraph. Just be sure you don't pack things too densely or it will read like a technical specification and the poor reader will have to pore over each sentence just to puzzle it out. Also, don't scrimp on the little connecting words and phrases that establish the flow and continuity—sometimes I was a little confused about who was being referred to from one sentence to the next.

The only way I really know how to get these stylistic things right is to reread the story over and over, put it away for a while, and then read it over and over again. Some people ask a beta editor to look at it with a fresh pair of eyes. Sometime I run it through a text-to-speech app (there's a pretty good free one on Google Translate) to try to at least hear what it sounds like through a fresh pair of ears.

Anyway, I hope you have fun and keep writing.

As Hector Bidon will attest, I'm all for a bit of lush description and a slow, steady build in a story, but some of this packs so much into each sentence that it's like a trudge through mud; even the action bits grind slowly. It's too densely packed, I think, and would benefit from a lighter touch. More dialogue would help too; it's very heavy on description, but not much is said.

I also found the point of view confusing. Telling it from the slave's perspective causes confusion in several places, when in the same sentence "his" refers to the slave, then another "his" to the master. The slave's pov seemed an unnecessary artifice as he's not a huge part of the action; indeed, some of the narrative nearly breaks the fourth wall, which is something best left to an omniscient narrator.

I agree with Hector that you can write, but for me there's too "much" writing here; it's hard work parsing your sentences. A little less cleverness, a little more flow, and it might be more relaxed. As it is, I'm conscious of the writing, but I've forgotten the story. It should be the other way around .

I'm going to respectfully disagree with my friend electricblue in a couple of places. First, I didn't have trouble following the story and enjoyed your almost poetic wordplay. And in my view, the telling from the slave's pov is a necessity since the Spartan was a mere prop to bring the the slave and Medusa together at the end and set up the next part of the story. (This difference of opinion is a good reminder that as an author, you'll never please every reader.)

It's interesting that the mention here of lack of explicit sex is the first time I thought about it. I suppose that means I was pretty immersed in the story and didn't even think about it until just now—but could just mean I'm not very sexy My only constructive critique would be regarding the few typos and a missing word here and there— the suggestions of a beta-reader, a period of letting the story settle, and reading (or listening to it being read) are things we all need to do.

Overall, a big thumbs up from me, a welcome and a hope you stick around a long time ~

PS: About those em dashes; On my laptop it is shift alt/option -

First off, I want to thank the three of you so much for the quality feedback! This kind of perspective is invaluable to me, and I'm grateful that you're willing to put some time and thought into helping me out.

HectorBidon said:

I enjoyed your story quite a bit. The pleasure in reading it is more literary than erotic, which probably goes down well enough with some readers (witness the high score) but not all. SciFi/Fantasy was a good choice, as the readership there tends to be pretty open minded.

Click to expand...

Thank you! I was going for a more literary style with erotic themes than vice-versa. I suppose that, ideally, I should be able to engage people who like either approach, but if I had to pick one, I'd be going for literary with this story.

HectorBidon said:

Your prose is certainly very competent, although I'll point out that there's a missing word in the second sentence—a deficit of editing rather than composition, I'm sure. One technical piece of advice I can offer is that your story would look more professional if you used real em dashes instead of single text dashes (hyphens). Figure out how to get them in your text editor. Mine has an automatic substitution option to convert --- to —. Then when I cut and paste the text to submit it, the dash comes through and shows up correctly on the Lit page.

Click to expand...

Now that you pointed that out, that missing word feels like it's poking me in the eye! Can I edit a story after I've submitted it?

I actually used em dashes when I wrote this, but apparently those changed when I saved it using Open Office. I had issues the first time I submitted my manuscript for publication because of some of Word's auto-formatting, so I stripped it all out, which also messed up my em-dashes. None of the page breaks showed up where I wanted, either. Rookie mistakes.

HectorBidon said:

Your style is dense and precise, packing a lot of rich thought and detail into each paragraph. Just be sure you don't pack things too densely or it will read like a technical specification and the poor reader will have to pore over each sentence just to puzzle it out. Also, don't scrimp on the little connecting words and phrases that establish the flow and continuity—sometimes I was a little confused about who was being referred to from one sentence to the next.

Click to expand...

I laughed out loud when I read this point. It's so true. I wrote this while procrastinating on my dissertation, for which writing in a dense, confusing style is something to aspire to, specificity is paramount, and leaving anything to the imagination is a grave error. It's nice to be reminded how obtuse that can be to more healthy, well-adjusted folks.

HectorBidon said:

The only way I really know how to get these stylistic things right is to reread the story over and over, put it away for a while, and then read it over and over again. Some people ask a beta editor to look at it with a fresh pair of eyes. Sometime I run it through a text-to-speech app (there's a pretty good free one on Google Translate) to try to at least hear what it sounds like through a fresh pair of ears.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll give them a try. I should probably figure out how to find a good beta editor on this site if I keep writing these.

electricblue66 said:

As Hector Bidon will attest, I'm all for a bit of lush description and a slow, steady build in a story, but some of this packs so much into each sentence that it's like a trudge through mud; even the action bits grind slowly. It's too densely packed, I think, and would benefit from a lighter touch. More dialogue would help too; it's very heavy on description, but not much is said.

Click to expand...

I appreciate that feedback. I'll try to consider cutting irrelevant detail in my future self-editing scrubs.

electricblue66 said:

I also found the point of view confusing. Telling it from the slave's perspective causes confusion in several places, when in the same sentence "his" refers to the slave, then another "his" to the master. The slave's pov seemed an unnecessary artifice as he's not a huge part of the action; indeed, some of the narrative nearly breaks the fourth wall, which is something best left to an omniscient narrator.

Click to expand...

I wrote this to be a story about defying unjust authority, and I found it interesting to have Medusa, a mythological oppressed woman, inspire and free a victim of chattel slavery with her example of defying the gods themselves, thus turning her from a monster into something of a liberating figur. If this didn't work for you in this opening segment, I hope it will seem a better choice in my next entry.

That said, I really appreciate the input about the importance of maintaining clarity of perspectives and pronouns.

electricblue66 said:

I agree with Hector that you can write, but for me there's too "much" writing here; it's hard work parsing your sentences. A little less cleverness, a little more flow, and it might be more relaxed. As it is, I'm conscious of the writing, but I've forgotten the story. It should be the other way around.

Click to expand...

I find this point both fascinating and a bit frustrating, because I get a good idea of what you mean in terms of how it felt to read my story, but I don't quite understand how I might adjust my writing to improve the way it resonates with you. If you have the time, would you please give an example of a sentence or short passage that doesn't work for you, and what specific adjustments you might make to improve it?

yukonnights said:

I'm going to respectfully disagree with my friend electricblue in a couple of places. First, I didn't have trouble following the story and enjoyed your almost poetic wordplay. And in my view, the telling from the slave's pov is a necessity since the Spartan was a mere prop to bring the the slave and Medusa together at the end and set up the next part of the story. (This difference of opinion is a good reminder that as an author, you'll never please every reader.)

Click to expand...

Thanks for the kind words. When I originally wrote this, I had a rough outline in my head for how I might continue the story, but I also liked ending it on an ambiguous note in which the reader might infer that the slave has become another statue. Call me a little sadistic, but there was a part of me that kind of liked the idea of Asklepios accepting petrification of his own free will.

yukonnights said:

It's interesting that the mention here of lack of explicit sex is the first time I thought about it. I suppose that means I was pretty immersed in the story and didn't even think about it until just now—but could just mean I'm not very sexy My only constructive critique would be regarding the few typos and a missing word here and there— the suggestions of a beta-reader, a period of letting the story settle, and reading (or listening to it being read) are things we all need to do.

Click to expand...

In writing this, I was trying to evoke eroticism without the vocabulary that seems typical in most of the stories I've read on Literotica. Using modern metaphors to describe sex in a setting from 2500 years ago seems out of place to me, so I tried to come up with metaphors that were more based on things that would be familiar to people of that era, and I tried to use vocabulary that's somewhere between old-fashioned and archaic (his penis is his "manhood," "member," or "phallus and such).

yukonnights said:

Overall, a big thumbs up from me, a welcome and a hope you stick around a long time ~

PS: About those em dashes; On my laptop it is shift alt/option -

Click to expand...

Thanks so much, and I will try to preserve my em dashes next time I submit.

Firstly: technical stuff:
Yes, you can edit a published story. Just prepare your revised text and submit it with exactly the same story title plus the word EDIT. Add a note to the editor that you're tidying up typos and missing words. Comments and scores stay untouched. It usually takes a week or so, as edits are low priority (although I had one go through in 36 hours, which was unusual).

You have no control over page breaks - they are determined by the site and are driven by the parameters of the story data base. FYI, a Lit page is approx 3750 words.

Re em dashes - I just use hyphens because they're easier to type, and the site is quite happy using them. Purists sometimes get all pedantic, but a line on a page is a line on a page, not a hanging offence.

I find this point both fascinating and a bit frustrating, because I get a good idea of what you mean in terms of how it felt to read my story, but I don't quite understand how I might adjust my writing to improve the way it resonates with you. If you have the time, would you please give an example of a sentence or short passage that doesn't work for you, and what specific adjustments you might make to improve it?

Click to expand...

I'm always uneasy doing that, because it would just be rewriting your style with EB style, which is only my personal preference. But, since my style has, like yours, been described as "lyrical, almost poetic", I suppose I should try to articulate something, to put my money where my mouth is.

Your dissertation background might be a key thing here - your style is dense, descriptive, every word brings a dictionary and a thesaurus with it. It's slow to read because it is so rich, whereas breaking it up with much simpler language might make it flow more.

I'm very conscious during my own edit to make sure the prose has cadence and cascade, a rhythm and beat which ebbs and flows. I don't read it aloud, but many would do so, that's a good way to assess readability.

Someone described my style as follows:

I admire that amazingly languid style that you have. You manage to draw these moments out for sentence after sentence, but I never get impatient with it. While reading some authors is like waiting on queue at the DMV, reading you is more like lounging in a bath on a Sunday afternoon. I don't entirely understand how you do it. Your prose and your dialog is very formal and elegant. That usually drives me nuts, but somehow, the way you do it, it just flows so beautifully.

Click to expand...

I don't really know how I do it either, but perhaps two examples might illustrate:
- the first is a short story, self-contained (8k words); the second the prologue to a much longer piece which, like yours, takes a mythic archaic world and tries to find a way to evoke that ancientness (is that even a word?) using modern English, but with a vernacular.

https://www.literotica.com/s/songs-of-seduction-water

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-dark-chronicles-ch-00

Finally: I occasionally throw text into a freebie online demo from ProWritingAid, which amongst other things analyses a chunk of text against a list of fiction writing parameters like active and passive voice, sentence length, reading age and complexity, and a whole bunch more. It's not bad, if you don't swear by it - it compares your writing style against "thousands of professional writers" and gives you a set of scores.

SueDNimm said:

I actually used em dashes when I wrote this, but apparently those changed when I saved it using Open Office. I had issues the first time I submitted my manuscript for publication because of some of Word's auto-formatting, so I stripped it all out, which also messed up my em-dashes. None of the page breaks showed up where I wanted, either. Rookie mistakes.

Click to expand...

I use LibreOffice instead of OpenOffice. The two are still so similar that I'll comment anyway.

The simplest way to get your story from the editor to Lit is to "select all" from the Edit menu, copy it and paste it into the Lit window. That normally preserves everything.

If you selected a text encoding when you saved the file, and the encoding you chose didn't include an em-dash (ASCII, for instance) then it will be converted to a hyphen. I work on an Ubuntu desktop, and the default is to save in unicode, which provides the em-dash.

My impression of your story was consistent with Hector Biden's. I was unable to complete it. That was partly because it was getting late for me, and partly because the description was so dense. I think that regardless of where you aim on the scale between porn and literature (I go for more literary myself), dense description makes it difficult for your readers to get to characterization, action and story, which is usually what they're reading for.

I'll admit to using dense descriptions in some of my early writing. When you know you're good at description, it can be hard to not overuse it.

I liked the story. I thought it was well written and thought-out.

The prose was for the most part very good. It had some excellent bits, like Medusa being compared to a statue in stillness and a dancer in motion - it's a sort of tying-together the character and the general world setting that makes writing really effective and evocative.

But yeah, there are some things that are weighing the prose down. One thing I noticed was repetitions: for example, you like the word "curve" a bit too much. There's a spot where you unleash a curving form, some proud curves, and a curvaceous body all within like three paragraphs. Granted, snake ladies are just about the curviest things imaginable, but still

My one major gripe is that the imaginery, other than Medusa herself, was actually under-rendered. Take the cavern for example. I know that there's a cushioned bed in there and some torches, but that's about it. There's no sense of colour, dimension, or arrangement. How far away is the Helot from the bed? Is the bed carved in stone, or wooden, and actually how does an ancient Greek bed look like?

I'm not suggesting that you break up the pacing to include detailed description, but if you smuggle at least some suggestion between the sentences it will really help to draw the reader into the scene. For example, I was distracted from the story because an argument broke out in my head on what colour bedsheets would go best with Medusa's green skin. Suggesting visuals without boring everyone to death with descriptory paragraphs is actually one of the things I find the hardest in writing, but it's also one of the more important parts of the craft I think.

All that being said, this was a very fun read. The idea behind it and the characters of Medusa the Helot were engaging and well developed. So good job!

Light greyish-blue with gilded braided threads btw

After reading some of the earlier comments I wasn't sure what to expect but I didn't find your tale to be a slog through the mud, rather the opposite. It was descriptive but not to the point where it took me away from the story and I liked your take on the mythology. I also enjoyed the way you didn't write in the modern style for this kind of story. The only line that seemed out of place was the worm on fishhook analogy. It worked as that but I"m not sure the Greeks used anything but nets and it seemed a bit modern but that doesn't even rate as a quibble.

I understand some writers that read as well as some just readers prefer a total bare bones style but there is something to be said for a writer creating a picture in the reader's mind. Some people have a vivid enough imagination that their brain will turn one written sentence into a page worth of description but not all do and sometimes one wishes to convey exact details. Visual mediums like film can in one shot create how you made the island appear but in words it takes more effort. A good set designer can make a room look like a 1920's English drawing room down to period authentic wallpaper but if a writer describes it thus some will say too many words - just move along the plot. Not a right or wrong way to do it but rather a matter of taste.

Also love the pun that is your account name. That made me smile. Would be willing to read more of your writing especially in this genre. Well done.

Your story was really about the slave and his emotions. None of which surfaced until the end. He gets hit and beaten and scarred, yet little of his state of mind is brought into the story. Only is relationship to Medusa is he finally emotionally involved.

Great plot and different, but I found it unemotional. Also as someone else said it needed to be more descriptive about surroundings etc.

gordo12 said:

Your story was really about the slave and his emotions. None of which surfaced until the end. He gets hit and beaten and scarred, yet little of his state of mind is brought into the story. Only is relationship to Medusa is he finally emotionally involved.

Great plot and different, but I found it unemotional. Also as someone else said it needed to be more descriptive about surroundings etc.

Click to expand...

I just assumed the first chapter was to set up the next ones (if not, it's sure a good set-up that'll go to waste). It would be somewhat unsatisfying as a stand alone. Not terrible, just left hanging. Have to wait and see I guess

Very good story. Very interesting plot. Lots of great descriptions. Keep writing.

That being said, I was put off by your first paragraph:

The slave winced as he stumbled along the stony gorge after his master. The rawhide strap of the heavy was rubbing the skin raw. Perpetual mist dampened everything, and even his callouses from years of hard labor had given way to angry welts over their fortnight on this barren island. His other shoulder was worse, so he hoisted the clanking pack with his rough hands for a few steps.

Click to expand...

* "of the heavy was" Heavy what? Shield?
* "...was rubbing the skin raw." The skin of what? Or should it have been "his skin"?
* "Perpetual mist dampened everything, and even his callouses from years of hard labor..." Based on the sentence structure, I was expecting this to be an example of the perpetual mist dampening everything
* "...even his callouses from years of hard labor had given way to angry welts over..." Based on the sentence structure, I'm expecting some details on the angry welts
* "The rawhide strap of the heavy was rubbing the skin raw. Perpetual mist dampened everything, and even his callouses from years of hard labor had given way to angry welts over their fortnight on this barren island." A long, rambling sentence
* "His other shoulder was worse..." Worse than? His welts? The barren island?

Your first paragraph should be perfect. You only have one chance to make a first impression. The back button is calling.

Wow, so much useful feedback!

electricblue66 said:

Firstly: technical stuff:

[snipping out enormously helpful pointers, thank you!]

Your dissertation background might be a key thing here - your style is dense, descriptive, every word brings a dictionary and a thesaurus with it. It's slow to read because it is so rich, whereas breaking it up with much simpler language might make it flow more.

I'm very conscious during my own edit to make sure the prose has cadence and cascade, a rhythm and beat which ebbs and flows. I don't read it aloud, but many would do so, that's a good way to assess readability.

Click to expand...

Excellent points. I was going for an old-fashioned style with this, which tends to involve more complex sentence structure and language, but I want to make it flow reasonably well, too. I'll try the "read it out loud" approach when I can find some uninterrupted alone time with no-one in earshot.

electricblue66 said:

Someone described my style as follows:

I don't really know how I do it either, but perhaps two examples might illustrate:
- the first is a short story, self-contained (8k words); the second the prologue to a much longer piece which, like yours, takes a mythic archaic world and tries to find a way to evoke that ancientness (is that even a word?) using modern English, but with a vernacular.

https://www.literotica.com/s/songs-of-seduction-water

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-dark-chronicles-ch-00

Finally: I occasionally throw text into a freebie online demo from ProWritingAid, which amongst other things analyses a chunk of text against a list of fiction writing parameters like active and passive voice, sentence length, reading age and complexity, and a whole bunch more. It's not bad, if you don't swear by it - it compares your writing style against "thousands of professional writers" and gives you a set of scores.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the examples! I'll give them a good look.

NotWise said:

[snipping out good technical suggestions, thanks for those]
My impression of your story was consistent with Hector Biden's. I was unable to complete it. That was partly because it was getting late for me, and partly because the description was so dense. I think that regardless of where you aim on the scale between porn and literature (I go for more literary myself), dense description makes it difficult for your readers to get to characterization, action and story, which is usually what they're reading for.

I'll admit to using dense descriptions in some of my early writing. When you know you're good at description, it can be hard to not overuse it.

Click to expand...

Sorry my writing didn't work for you. I think you make an excellent point about focusing on characterization, action, and story. When I edit this next time, I'll see if I can do a little streamlining to eliminate description that's not important to the story and/or characters involved. Hopefully it will resonate more with you when I revise it.

oneCresserelle said:

I liked the story. I thought it was well written and thought-out.

The prose was for the most part very good. It had some excellent bits, like Medusa being compared to a statue in stillness and a dancer in motion - it's a sort of tying-together the character and the general world setting that makes writing really effective and evocative.

Click to expand...

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

oneCresserelle said:

But yeah, there are some things that are weighing the prose down. One thing I noticed was repetitions: for example, you like the word "curve" a bit too much. There's a spot where you unleash a curving form, some proud curves, and a curvaceous body all within like three paragraphs. Granted, snake ladies are just about the curviest things imaginable, but still

Click to expand...

You are absolutely correct. I will do some thinking on how to suggest "curves" to the reader without saying so.

oneCresserelle said:

My one major gripe is that the imaginery, other than Medusa herself, was actually under-rendered. Take the cavern for example. I know that there's a cushioned bed in there and some torches, but that's about it. There's no sense of colour, dimension, or arrangement. How far away is the Helot from the bed? Is the bed carved in stone, or wooden, and actually how does an ancient Greek bed look like?

I'm not suggesting that you break up the pacing to include detailed description, but if you smuggle at least some suggestion between the sentences it will really help to draw the reader into the scene. For example, I was distracted from the story because an argument broke out in my head on what colour bedsheets would go best with Medusa's green skin. Suggesting visuals without boring everyone to death with descriptory paragraphs is actually one of the things I find the hardest in writing, but it's also one of the more important parts of the craft I think.

Click to expand...

You make a good point here. The reader should be totally clear about who is where and what's in the cave, even from the perspective of the slave who is very much distracted by Medusa.

oneCresserelle said:

All that being said, this was a very fun read. The idea behind it and the characters of Medusa the Helot were engaging and well developed. So good job!

Light greyish-blue with gilded braided threads btw

Click to expand...

I'm glad you liked it! My sense of color coordination is terrible, so thanks!

rutger5 said:

After reading some of the earlier comments I wasn't sure what to expect but I didn't find your tale to be a slog through the mud, rather the opposite. It was descriptive but not to the point where it took me away from the story and I liked your take on the mythology. I also enjoyed the way you didn't write in the modern style for this kind of story. The only line that seemed out of place was the worm on fishhook analogy. It worked as that but I"m not sure the Greeks used anything but nets and it seemed a bit modern but that doesn't even rate as a quibble.

Click to expand...

I'm glad the story worked well for you. I know precisely jack on the technology of fishing in the Classical Greek Era, so thanks for pointing out the limits of that metaphor. I'll try to think of another way of saying that the slave feels like bait at that point.

rutger5 said:

I understand some writers that read as well as some just readers prefer a total bare bones style but there is something to be said for a writer creating a picture in the reader's mind. Some people have a vivid enough imagination that their brain will turn one written sentence into a page worth of description but not all do and sometimes one wishes to convey exact details. Visual mediums like film can in one shot create how you made the island appear but in words it takes more effort. A good set designer can make a room look like a 1920's English drawing room down to period authentic wallpaper but if a writer describes it thus some will say too many words - just move along the plot. Not a right or wrong way to do it but rather a matter of taste.

Click to expand...

I'm glad this worked for you, and though I plan on streamlining my descriptions a bit when I edit it, I fully intend to keep the style old-fashioned and the descriptions rich. I just want to be a bit more focused and strategic in what I choose to describe in detail.

rutger5 said:

Also love the pun that is your account name. That made me smile. Would be willing to read more of your writing especially in this genre. Well done.

Click to expand...

Thank you very much!

gordo12 said:

Your story was really about the slave and his emotions. None of which surfaced until the end. He gets hit and beaten and scarred, yet little of his state of mind is brought into the story. Only is relationship to Medusa is he finally emotionally involved.

Great plot and different, but I found it unemotional. Also as someone else said it needed to be more descriptive about surroundings etc.

Click to expand...

For you and me, getting smacked so hard it draws blood and raises a welt on a cheek would be a traumatic event. For the slave, it's Tuesday. Spartans were brutal to Helots; they'd round up and kill some at random annually as a matter of ritual.

You're right that this story is about the slave, and his emotions are a very important part of that. This story is as much about the slave and his growth as about Medusa. I see the slave as someone who has embraced emotional repression and self-denial as a survival mechanism. His interest is more in Medusa than in his own plight. I've played on this some more in the draft of the sequel I wrote.

That said, you make an excellent point. My intent is not to portray the slave as some kind of unemotional Vulcan, but rather as someone who buries his emotions deep down. That can be difficult to evoke. I'll do some thinking on this and look for opportunities to do so as I revise it. Thank you.

JeffKelly78 said:

Excellent writing.

Never have I thought that I'd be aroused by Medusa, but she worked her powers... makes sense why all the fallen soldiers were turned to stone.

I'm here to learn, so can't go too far into any actual criticism of it, just thoroughly enjoyed the tale.

Click to expand...

Hey, we're all here to learn, and it's great to know that my story resonated with you.

yukonnights said:

I just assumed the first chapter was to set up the next ones (if not, it's sure a good set-up that'll go to waste). It would be somewhat unsatisfying as a stand alone. Not terrible, just left hanging. Have to wait and see I guess

Click to expand...

Thanks! I had thought of leaving it as a stand-alone story with its ambiguous ending, but I kept hashing it out in the back of my head enough that I couldn't let it go, so I drafted a sequel chapter to it last week. I'll put it up eventually, but first I want to go back and fix some issues with the first outing. On that note...

8letters said:

Very good story. Very interesting plot. Lots of great descriptions. Keep writing.

That being said, I was put off by your first paragraph:

* "of the heavy was" Heavy what? Shield?
* "...was rubbing the skin raw." The skin of what? Or should it have been "his skin"?
* "Perpetual mist dampened everything, and even his callouses from years of hard labor..." Based on the sentence structure, I was expecting this to be an example of the perpetual mist dampening everything
* "...even his callouses from years of hard labor had given way to angry welts over..." Based on the sentence structure, I'm expecting some details on the angry welts
* "The rawhide strap of the heavy was rubbing the skin raw. Perpetual mist dampened everything, and even his callouses from years of hard labor had given way to angry welts over their fortnight on this barren island." A long, rambling sentence
* "His other shoulder was worse..." Worse than? His welts? The barren island?

Your first paragraph should be perfect. You only have one chance to make a first impression. The back button is calling.

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Ooh boy, did I ever goof up that opening paragraph. I wanted to introduce the character of the slave to the reader. What I meant to directly communicate in the opening paragraph:

1. The slave was used to carrying a heavy pack, so much that his shoulders were calloused
2. The island was misty, the wetness of the island had softened his callouses, and the pack's straps had rubbed them down to painful, raw skin and welts.
3. His response to this painful injury is to carry the pack a different way and keep going.

What I hope the reader gets out of this:
Most reasonable people in this state would complain, take a break, pass the burden to someone else, treat their injuries, and/or reconsider their approach. Not so the slave; he simply accepts that his life sucks and that his pain matters less than serving his master. He shifts the pack into another uncomfortable position and presses on.

Obviously, I totally botched the opening paragraph. That's the problem with editing my own work; I see what I meant to communicate, not what I actually communicated. It's almost physically painful for me to read the opening paragraph now.

I very much appreciate the encouragement, and I agree with your critique 100%. I guess it's time to do some revisions, then!

Thanks! I had thought of leaving it as a stand-alone story with its ambiguous ending, but I kept hashing it out in the back of my head enough that I couldn't let it go, so I drafted a sequel chapter to it last week. I'll put it up eventually, but first I want to go back and fix some issues with the first outing. On that note...

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I'm glad the sequel wouldn't give up until you caved Me thinks it will be even better than the first one. Hope you put it up here on the Feedback thread so we'll all see it and drop over to read it.

Skip the revisions. It generates a lot of work for the site. Chances of anyone going back to see that you fixed a few errors is slim or none.

Once it's had it's run through it's done.

There is not an error free story on this site, including my own little gems. I can't begin to tell you how ^*^*^*)()&^% it makes me feel to see something I read a hundred times show up with an error a child could catch. But it's pointless going back.

Learn from it and move on to the next chapter.

gordo12 said:

Skip the revisions. It generates a lot of work for the site. Chances of anyone going back to see that you fixed a few errors is slim or none.

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This is the common wisdom, but I've fixed things on my early stories because I wasn't comfortable with having really obvious errors out there. Even though most of the voting was done by the time the changes were made, the changes still improved the rating and comments.

Later stories, not so much. There are always mistakes, but I think you learn how to catch the damaging ones pretty quickly.

I don't have any detailed feedback to offer beyond what has already been mentioned. The subject is not my usual cup of tea. However I would like to say that I had no problem being drawn completely into the story and I enjoyed it very much as a story and, to some degree, within its intended purpose as an erotic story. I think it's great just as it is. If I had to change anything I would:

1) Extended the time between Medusa and the slave. They were both interesting characters, I especially liked hearing the slave coming into his own, I thought his dialog was very good, it was a pity his time with Medusa was so short. Maybe there could be an extended stand-off followed by an extended romance before some accident or uncontrollable desire resulted in our ex-helot's petrification. I would have enjoyed chilling with these characters more, and learning about Medusa's domestic life (what does she do for dinner with a guest?) might be fun.

2) Maybe bring the Spartan's character up to the level of the others. He's a bit of an over-villainous villain. It might be interesting to make him a bit more realistic, a touch symathetic or at least give more justice to his motivations. I don't think any of that would take away from the slave's ultimate desire for freedom and brewing anger over his enslavement, or Medusa's justification. But I'd like to see a bit more of a challenge there, a bit less of a clear "cool rebels vs square bad guys" kind of thing and more of a clash of developed characters and ideologies. Have your readers arguing over Aphrodite vs Medusa a little.

Anyway it's an excellent story as-is.

gordo12 said:

Skip the revisions. It generates a lot of work for the site. Chances of anyone going back to see that you fixed a few errors is slim or none.

Once it's had it's run through it's done.

There is not an error free story on this site, including my own little gems. I can't begin to tell you how ^*^*^*)()&^% it makes me feel to see something I read a hundred times show up with an error a child could catch. But it's pointless going back.

Learn from it and move on to the next chapter.

Click to expand...

NotWise said:

This is the common wisdom, but I've fixed things on my early stories because I wasn't comfortable with having really obvious errors out there. Even though most of the voting was done by the time the changes were made, the changes still improved the rating and comments.

Later stories, not so much. There are always mistakes, but I think you learn how to catch the damaging ones pretty quickly.

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I'm going to second NotWise's position on this. As I've argued before; If the site owners did not want to deal with edits, there would not be an edit option.

Granted, frivolous nit-picking would be silly. But IMO, there are some significant issues in this one that deserve to be set right. I don't think that the; 'Those who have already read it won't go back to check the edits.', argument is the whole story—even if it is probably factual. There will be new readers who see Part 2 go live who will go find Part 1 and read it first. Why should they be denied the best possible? It's not just about making ourselves feel good as the author...it provides a better service to the readers and also enhances Literotica's product.

What I like about this thread, SueDNimm, is how you've fully embraced the feedback, all of it; and you want to apply it to improve your writing. With that approach, you won't just improve, you'll excel. You're rare in that regard - more often than not folk get defensive, a little precious, with their first baby. That alone makes you worth keeping an eye on .

As has been pointed out the site allows one to edit one's story. That is their choice so when some writers complain that it is wasting the time of admin to do so take it with a grain of salt. If one were to repeatedly submit minor edits because of a misplaced comma that would be abuse but if you believe that some meaning is lost and you wish to correct is reasonable.

If you have a burning desire to continue the story then by all means do so but for me it works fine as is. In this day of constant sequels, reboots, and remakes it seems some aren't happy until the horse is ridden into the ground but if you don't have something new to add what is the point? You told a story and told it well. Period.

Also read in the story comments a reader wanted you to actually describe the color of the sheets which to me is ridiculous. It is areas like that should be kept streamlined, not descriptions that set the mood and tone.

NotWise said:

This is the common wisdom, but I've fixed things on my early stories because I wasn't comfortable with having really obvious errors out there. Even though most of the voting was done by the time the changes were made, the changes still improved the rating and comments.

Later stories, not so much. There are always mistakes, but I think you learn how to catch the damaging ones pretty quickly.

Click to expand...

While I respect the principle of perfection being the enemy of good enough, I also think that going through the motions of fixing mistakes can be a good way to reinforce the lessons of those mistakes. Also, since I'm working up a sequel, it's a useful exercise to review what I've already written to ensure that both stories fit well with each other.

wxpprnpprnt said:

I don't have any detailed feedback to offer beyond what has already been mentioned. The subject is not my usual cup of tea. However I would like to say that I had no problem being drawn completely into the story and I enjoyed it very much as a story and, to some degree, within its intended purpose as an erotic story. I think it's great just as it is. If I had to change anything I would:

1) Extended the time between Medusa and the slave. They were both interesting characters, I especially liked hearing the slave coming into his own, I thought his dialog was very good, it was a pity his time with Medusa was so short. Maybe there could be an extended stand-off followed by an extended romance before some accident or uncontrollable desire resulted in our ex-helot's petrification. I would have enjoyed chilling with these characters more, and learning about Medusa's domestic life (what does she do for dinner with a guest?) might be fun.

2) Maybe bring the Spartan's character up to the level of the others. He's a bit of an over-villainous villain. It might be interesting to make him a bit more realistic, a touch symathetic or at least give more justice to his motivations. I don't think any of that would take away from the slave's ultimate desire for freedom and brewing anger over his enslavement, or Medusa's justification. But I'd like to see a bit more of a challenge there, a bit less of a clear "cool rebels vs square bad guys" kind of thing and more of a clash of developed characters and ideologies. Have your readers arguing over Aphrodite vs Medusa a little.

Anyway it's an excellent story as-is.

Click to expand...

Great suggestions on both points. Part of the reason I wrote a sequel to this is because I wanted to establish a more meaningful exploration of the two main characters and their relationship.

As for the Spartan, you're right, he's a pretty two-dimensional jerk. There have been a lot of laconophile works out there lately, and I get a little annoyed at the influence of movies like "The 300" and how they gloss over the fact that Spartan Culture included the generational enslavement and institutionalized abuse of an entire people. That such works fawn over the role of the Spartans at Thermopylae while ignoring the 700 Thespians who also died to a man there (which was the entirety of that city's army) irks me. So yeah, I let a pet peeve spill over into my work of fiction. In truth, the Spartans were a mixed bag of virtues and moral shortcomings. I will probably do very little to adjust this in my edit of the opening chapter. In a future chapter, I may drop some hints that there may have been more to him than what I've presented here. We'll see.

electricblue66 said:

What I like about this thread, SueDNimm, is how you've fully embraced the feedback, all of it; and you want to apply it to improve your writing. With that approach, you won't just improve, you'll excel. You're rare in that regard - more often than not folk get defensive, a little precious, with their first baby. That alone makes you worth keeping an eye on .

Click to expand...

Thanks! I find that most feedback as useful to some degree, and negative feedback is among the most useful. I'm not sure if I'll continue writing erotic stories once I finish getting this series on Medusa finished, but most of the points I see here are points I could apply to a lot of what I write. I hope you'll like where I take the story next.

rutger5 said:

As has been pointed out the site allows one to edit one's story. That is their choice so when some writers complain that it is wasting the time of admin to do so take it with a grain of salt. If one were to repeatedly submit minor edits because of a misplaced comma that would be abuse but if you believe that some meaning is lost and you wish to correct is reasonable.

If you have a burning desire to continue the story then by all means do so but for me it works fine as is. In this day of constant sequels, reboots, and remakes it seems some aren't happy until the horse is ridden into the ground but if you don't have something new to add what is the point? You told a story and told it well. Period.

Also read in the story comments a reader wanted you to actually describe the color of the sheets which to me is ridiculous. It is areas like that should be kept streamlined, not descriptions that set the mood and tone.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the kind words. This being my first story in a series, it's important enough to me to get it good enough that I'll have a go at touching up its issues.

See, now I want to try to find a way to make the color of the bedsheets important to the story. I'll probably fail, but it's an interesting creative exercise.

yukonnights said:

I'm glad the sequel wouldn't give up until you caved Me thinks it will be even better than the first one. Hope you put it up here on the Feedback thread so we'll all see it and drop over to read it.

Click to expand...

No promises on it being better, but it will be quite different from the opening chapter.

SueDNimm said:

See, now I want to try to find a way to make the color of the bedsheets important to the story. I'll probably fail, but it's an interesting creative exercise.

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I'm going to disagree with that idea. Something as simple as "they writhed on the black silk sheets" can cover that detail nicely without spending a lot of electrons on it. Ditto for other details. You don't want to overload the details, but I imagine a movie playing and here the lovers are on a bed with black silk sheets. It adds.

gordo12 said:

I'm going to disagree with that idea. Something as simple as "they writhed on the black silk sheets" can cover that detail nicely without spending a lot of electrons on it. Ditto for other details. You don't want to overload the details, but I imagine a movie playing and here the lovers are on a bed with black silk sheets. It adds.

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The Bronze Age Greeks had black silk sheets? Did they have sheets at all?

Maybe they could writhe on a sheepskin. Pick your color: black or not black.

NotWise said:

The Bronze Age Greeks had black silk sheets? Did they have sheets at all?

Maybe they could writhe on a sheepskin. Pick your color: black or not black.

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Generic example unrelated to the time period

Lol they did have sheet-like bed linens in classical Greece but probably not silk. I think it was linen or wool. The wool isn't exactly a titillating idea but the linen might be okay.

Also, to the author, yes the pro-Sparta stuff is annoying and spreading, don't mind it being taken down a notch myself. I prefer Athens, and even they are over-hyped at times, but nothing like Sparta.