How do I explain S&M to my husband?

jadefitz

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When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?
 
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?

Maybe give him some non-sexual parallels? e.g. "it's like the high some people get from running". Or eating chillies.
 
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?

Given that you were aware from the onset how diametrically opposed to your point of view he was on this, I don't think you are likely to succeed in training him to accommodate your sexual needs in that area.

Best chance would be to let him try it by small degrees. Little, playful spanks. Maybe some nipple pinching. Follow up with murmurs about how good that feels and pleas for "harder." Don't try to get him to get to rough at any give time as more likely than not it will feel "wrong" to him.
 
I think it's best defined without labels, especially if you have a history, that may or not be sexual, with which he has already expressed concern.
 
Sit him down and tell him...

"You know how you like me hitting your peepee? And how I like hitting your peepee? Well, your the M and I'm the S.
 
Or maybe find a mild S&M porn film that conveys the kind of stuff he could maybe start with, showing a woman who's thoroughly enjoying it.

For some people it will always be a total turn off though. If he's one of those people the absolute most you can hope for is to coax him into some very gentle play where his sole motivation is the way you respond to it.

On the other hand, it may be that once he's fully reassured about what you find pleasurable, he could find aspects of kink fun.

Just make is very clear that there are no expectations here and that your feelings for him won't change if he turns out not to be able to engage in kink. Men can take it very hard when they find out you want something sexually that they can't find palatable. They can be skittish creatures about performance at the best of times but for him to know from then on that he's denying you the kind of sexual play you want and expecting you to be equally happy with the vanilla stuff? That's going to take some working through.
 
Explain it. Using your words to describe how you feel is always the way to go.
 
I think Abelle is saying that you shouldn't bring the Cane

(not right away)
 
I think a good starting point is to establish empirically the simple premise that a wide range of different personal preferences exist and are genuine. There are BDSM clubs. There are swing clubs. People do purchase all kinds of kinky toys and their is a whole vibrant industry dedicated to supplying them. People do hire dominatrixes to give them a certain treatment. These things can all be proven empirically so he can accept their reality before trying to understand them.

Once he gets that and observes the breadth, diversity and prevalence of these things it starts to become clear that traditional views of "normal" are the result of imposed rules......not observed behaviour.

I think it is tough to understand something when you haven't accepted its legitimacy.

This is actually a pre-cursor to attempting to understand. It's an attempt to set aside some bias to start to pry his mind open to accept the fact that these other preferences are legitimate and real as opposed to necessarily a by-product of emotional psychological issues.
 
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He for sure knows what it is but obviously it's a turn off for him...
 
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?

While it certainly isn't an easy road, the best strategy is still an open and honest discussion with him. I am/was in the same boat and I'd say for the most part my husband still doesn't understand BDSM well. However, he has spanked me before and has discovered that he loves "crushing" my tits when he fucks me and biting my nipples. I also think he's learned (it is learning?) the difference between "good pain" and "bad pain". IE: During my period my nipples are very sensitive and need to be handled gently and then other times when I beg him to bite them he gets excited.
 
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?

I would also ask him why he views S&M the way he does. Did he catch you inflicting pain on yourself (that is, did you hide it from him)? He may then, quite logically, think that you are explaining it away. Or perhaps he had a bad experience with pain-as-pleasure, either as a giver or a receiver. Or, it may be a product of his environment, a type of 'people don't hurt each other'.

Or... it may very well not be his thing and it squicks him. If it is, then please be prepared for the fact that you may have to reach some sort of compromise. You can't, nor should you, make anyone do anything, or get them to try it if it makes them truly uncomfortable.

As mentioned before, an honest, open, accepting conversation outside of the heat of the bedroom is your best option.
 
You probably won't be able to get him to do something he's completely against, but you can offer him some info and honestly communicate with him what S&M does for you. This link might offer some help in explaining where you're coming from. He may be more comfortable with it, he may not.
 
Something like "I have this physical and emotional need...it goes like this..." and do your best to explain it. Then find some info from someone else's perspective and share that as well. They may not understand it when you try to describe it, because their perception of "you" is in the way, but it may make more sense...or begin to make more sense...when someone else explains the same thing, using different words. I've read many posts of women trying to describe the need they have, and the reluctance they experience because of the stereotype or the perception associated with pain. I don't know how to sound positive here, but I think it's possible to understand it from the perspective of physical and emotional need, and distance it from abuse (which it looks like, to the casual observer) or some self-inflicted negative emotion (which it gets blamed on).

I hope you're successful. Honestly.
 
It's very hard to try to explain kink of any sort to a basically vanilla person. It doesn't matter if it's S/M or bondage or group sex or what. If it's not in their DNA, then it doesn't register well. It's even with things like sky diving or motorcycles. There was a classic Harley tee shirt that said, "If I have to explain, you just don't get it."

I have had relationships with married women personally and online that have had the same issues. "How do I get my husband to kink it up?" "How can I get my husband interested in threesomes or swinging?" The husbands refuse to try to learn and the wives then end up finding somebody secret who DOES get it and allows them the joy of being themselves without judgment.

As others have said, try getting some books or films about BDSM type kink, nothing too heavy and "out there" and try to explain that it's not about being weird. It's about expanding the envelope of sensations and trust. It's about a multitude of stimulation from pleasure, to pain, to tickling, to humiliation, etc. Try to get him to understand that for some people, it's a part of who they are and it doesn't make them bad people. There are doctors, lawyers, housewives, PTA moms, etc who all find that pushing the envelope in their sexual encounters is something that makes them feel alive and self-actualized.

Take it in baby steps. Perhaps a "starter kit" like you can get in some of those sex toy catalogs that include wrist and ankle cuffs, floggers, paddles, blindfolds, etc. Simple "fun" stuff. Maybe if you get him to try some of that, he'll come around. Then again, you may find that HE is the one that's more submissive and has a tough time topping you. You never know. Good luck.
 
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?
Hes a guy videos and hands on playtime.
 
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?

Just tell him its him or you need a true dom in your life. Not for sex but to satisfy your need to be sub for pain. Hopefully he will understand enough for your marriage to survive.
 
It's very hard to try to explain kink of any sort to a basically vanilla person. It doesn't matter if it's S/M or bondage or group sex or what. If it's not in their DNA, then it doesn't register well. It's even with things like sky diving or motorcycles. There was a classic Harley tee shirt that said, "If I have to explain, you just don't get it."

I have had relationships with married women personally and online that have had the same issues. "How do I get my husband to kink it up?" "How can I get my husband interested in threesomes or swinging?" The husbands refuse to try to learn and the wives then end up finding somebody secret who DOES get it and allows them the joy of being themselves without judgment.

As others have said, try getting some books or films about BDSM type kink, nothing too heavy and "out there" and try to explain that it's not about being weird. It's about expanding the envelope of sensations and trust. It's about a multitude of stimulation from pleasure, to pain, to tickling, to humiliation, etc. Try to get him to understand that for some people, it's a part of who they are and it doesn't make them bad people. There are doctors, lawyers, housewives, PTA moms, etc who all find that pushing the envelope in their sexual encounters is something that makes them feel alive and self-actualized.

Take it in baby steps. Perhaps a "starter kit" like you can get in some of those sex toy catalogs that include wrist and ankle cuffs, floggers, paddles, blindfolds, etc. Simple "fun" stuff. Maybe if you get him to try some of that, he'll come around. Then again, you may find that HE is the one that's more submissive and has a tough time topping you. You never know. Good luck.

DNA is the magic word. If he's color blind or deaf all the books in the world wont help.

My wife wanted John Wayne/Marlboro Man and got him. I'm what she wanted for almost 43 years. I think I'm more like Burt Lancaster.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHUa_svkuU0
 
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I'm going to stick my oar in when common sense tells me I should leave well enough alone.

A lot of people have said that you should tell him. And that is true. If you have a need, any need, that isn't being met, but you never told anyone you had it, then it's your own damn fault. Amofiga, as usual, said it most excellently.

But, and this is a big but, what you need to come to grips with for your part is just as you have the wiring to let you derive pleasure from pain, it sounds to me like he doesn't. He may love you. He may want to understand you. But, since he can't experience pain as pleasure himself, he's not ever going to fully understand it. The most you can hope for is acceptance.

That does NOT mean you should give up. Far from it. It means that you are going to have to endure the agony and humiliation of telling him over and over and over again in different ways and suffer through while you wait for the release you need. And if you need a blowtorch on the nipples or flechettes, he's probably never going to.

That last was half facetious, but it was to make a point. Sado-masochism is a continuum. More often than not, a vanilla trying to grapple with the concept is going to either be so hesitant that it's hardly worth the bother or leap over everything to full on pain slut when, statistically, you are more likely neither but somewhere in the middle. I don't know that, and it's not my business, but it is his. By my count, there are one hundred and twenty-seven various sensations that can be classified as "pain" and only you know which ones you derive that endorphin rush from. You need to know and he needs to know.

Bramblethorn, as usual, made valid analogies. And if your SO can get behind habanero poppers, then you may be farther along to getting his acceptance and cooperation than I think.

But, back up the crazy train and think for a moment about just what it is that you absolutely positively need versus what would be nice. That is your goal. That is what you need to find a way to communicate. The icing can wait until the cake is baked.

As for doing more than talking, and getting some hands on going, let's start with nipple clamps. For most of the S&M crowd, these are pretty much "meh, that's vanilla shit". For the vanilla crowd, however, that's getting "pretty out there". But, in the interest of taking baby steps, you might check into a pair with a bright shiny bell on them. Don't worry about coaching him into putting them on you at first, put them on how you like them. Then tease him, make a game out of it. "Ring the bell and win a prize!" sort of thing.

Not what you are after, I know. But, BABY steps. You are aiming for a good, solid, loving relationship and trying to get him to understand what that means for you and it's going to be a process. Once you have him willing to be rough enough to make the bells ring in order to "win the game", then you'll both be ready to take it up a notch.

Now, and this is important, positive reinforcement is a major key. Don't assume he knows it was good for you when he does manage to do something you like. Tell him. And don't mince words. Gush. Swallow your pride and be a fucking cheerleader over it. You have years and maybe even decades of programming "you must not hurt people" to overcome.

And don't be shy about asking, even begging, for something he has done once before if you liked it. Don't assume for a moment that just because he relented once, and you tried to make it obvious that you liked it, it would ever dawn on him to do it again without prompting.

At any rate, I'm gonna shut up now since I'm not sure I'm doing more than just farting in the wind. But, best of luck.
 
I'm going to stick my oar in when common sense tells me I should leave well enough alone.

A lot of people have said that you should tell him. And that is true. If you have a need, any need, that isn't being met, but you never told anyone you had it, then it's your own damn fault. Amofiga, as usual, said it most excellently.

But, and this is a big but, what you need to come to grips with for your part is just as you have the wiring to let you derive pleasure from pain, it sounds to me like he doesn't. He may love you. He may want to understand you. But, since he can't experience pain as pleasure himself, he's not ever going to fully understand it. The most you can hope for is acceptance.

That does NOT mean you should give up. Far from it. It means that you are going to have to endure the agony and humiliation of telling him over and over and over again in different ways and suffer through while you wait for the release you need. And if you need a blowtorch on the nipples or flechettes, he's probably never going to.

That last was half facetious, but it was to make a point. Sado-masochism is a continuum. More often than not, a vanilla trying to grapple with the concept is going to either be so hesitant that it's hardly worth the bother or leap over everything to full on pain slut when, statistically, you are more likely neither but somewhere in the middle. I don't know that, and it's not my business, but it is his. By my count, there are one hundred and twenty-seven various sensations that can be classified as "pain" and only you know which ones you derive that endorphin rush from. You need to know and he needs to know.

Bramblethorn, as usual, made valid analogies. And if your SO can get behind habanero poppers, then you may be farther along to getting his acceptance and cooperation than I think.

But, back up the crazy train and think for a moment about just what it is that you absolutely positively need versus what would be nice. That is your goal. That is what you need to find a way to communicate. The icing can wait until the cake is baked.

As for doing more than talking, and getting some hands on going, let's start with nipple clamps. For most of the S&M crowd, these are pretty much "meh, that's vanilla shit". For the vanilla crowd, however, that's getting "pretty out there". But, in the interest of taking baby steps, you might check into a pair with a bright shiny bell on them. Don't worry about coaching him into putting them on you at first, put them on how you like them. Then tease him, make a game out of it. "Ring the bell and win a prize!" sort of thing.

Not what you are after, I know. But, BABY steps. You are aiming for a good, solid, loving relationship and trying to get him to understand what that means for you and it's going to be a process. Once you have him willing to be rough enough to make the bells ring in order to "win the game", then you'll both be ready to take it up a notch.

Now, and this is important, positive reinforcement is a major key. Don't assume he knows it was good for you when he does manage to do something you like. Tell him. And don't mince words. Gush. Swallow your pride and be a fucking cheerleader over it. You have years and maybe even decades of programming "you must not hurt people" to overcome.

And don't be shy about asking, even begging, for something he has done once before if you liked it. Don't assume for a moment that just because he relented once, and you tried to make it obvious that you liked it, it would ever dawn on him to do it again without prompting.

At any rate, I'm gonna shut up now since I'm not sure I'm doing more than just farting in the wind. But, best of luck.


I found this to be a helpful perspective. In particular, one thing that is often overlooked is the need to tell your partner when they are doing something that is working in clear and unequivocal language. And this applies beyond S&M of course. Making the effort and opening their mind should be infinitely more important than wishing they could read your mind.
 
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