Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.
Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?
Sit him down and tell him...
"You know how you like me hitting your peepee? And how I like hitting your peepee? Well, your the M and I'm the S.
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?
Hes a guy videos and hands on playtime.When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?
When we met, he made me stop inflicting pain upon myself. I think he viewed it as a depression/self-mutilation type thing. How do I explain to him what S&M is and how it is about pleasure and not punishment? And how would I get him to try it with me?
It's very hard to try to explain kink of any sort to a basically vanilla person. It doesn't matter if it's S/M or bondage or group sex or what. If it's not in their DNA, then it doesn't register well. It's even with things like sky diving or motorcycles. There was a classic Harley tee shirt that said, "If I have to explain, you just don't get it."
I have had relationships with married women personally and online that have had the same issues. "How do I get my husband to kink it up?" "How can I get my husband interested in threesomes or swinging?" The husbands refuse to try to learn and the wives then end up finding somebody secret who DOES get it and allows them the joy of being themselves without judgment.
As others have said, try getting some books or films about BDSM type kink, nothing too heavy and "out there" and try to explain that it's not about being weird. It's about expanding the envelope of sensations and trust. It's about a multitude of stimulation from pleasure, to pain, to tickling, to humiliation, etc. Try to get him to understand that for some people, it's a part of who they are and it doesn't make them bad people. There are doctors, lawyers, housewives, PTA moms, etc who all find that pushing the envelope in their sexual encounters is something that makes them feel alive and self-actualized.
Take it in baby steps. Perhaps a "starter kit" like you can get in some of those sex toy catalogs that include wrist and ankle cuffs, floggers, paddles, blindfolds, etc. Simple "fun" stuff. Maybe if you get him to try some of that, he'll come around. Then again, you may find that HE is the one that's more submissive and has a tough time topping you. You never know. Good luck.
I'm going to stick my oar in when common sense tells me I should leave well enough alone.
A lot of people have said that you should tell him. And that is true. If you have a need, any need, that isn't being met, but you never told anyone you had it, then it's your own damn fault. Amofiga, as usual, said it most excellently.
But, and this is a big but, what you need to come to grips with for your part is just as you have the wiring to let you derive pleasure from pain, it sounds to me like he doesn't. He may love you. He may want to understand you. But, since he can't experience pain as pleasure himself, he's not ever going to fully understand it. The most you can hope for is acceptance.
That does NOT mean you should give up. Far from it. It means that you are going to have to endure the agony and humiliation of telling him over and over and over again in different ways and suffer through while you wait for the release you need. And if you need a blowtorch on the nipples or flechettes, he's probably never going to.
That last was half facetious, but it was to make a point. Sado-masochism is a continuum. More often than not, a vanilla trying to grapple with the concept is going to either be so hesitant that it's hardly worth the bother or leap over everything to full on pain slut when, statistically, you are more likely neither but somewhere in the middle. I don't know that, and it's not my business, but it is his. By my count, there are one hundred and twenty-seven various sensations that can be classified as "pain" and only you know which ones you derive that endorphin rush from. You need to know and he needs to know.
Bramblethorn, as usual, made valid analogies. And if your SO can get behind habanero poppers, then you may be farther along to getting his acceptance and cooperation than I think.
But, back up the crazy train and think for a moment about just what it is that you absolutely positively need versus what would be nice. That is your goal. That is what you need to find a way to communicate. The icing can wait until the cake is baked.
As for doing more than talking, and getting some hands on going, let's start with nipple clamps. For most of the S&M crowd, these are pretty much "meh, that's vanilla shit". For the vanilla crowd, however, that's getting "pretty out there". But, in the interest of taking baby steps, you might check into a pair with a bright shiny bell on them. Don't worry about coaching him into putting them on you at first, put them on how you like them. Then tease him, make a game out of it. "Ring the bell and win a prize!" sort of thing.
Not what you are after, I know. But, BABY steps. You are aiming for a good, solid, loving relationship and trying to get him to understand what that means for you and it's going to be a process. Once you have him willing to be rough enough to make the bells ring in order to "win the game", then you'll both be ready to take it up a notch.
Now, and this is important, positive reinforcement is a major key. Don't assume he knows it was good for you when he does manage to do something you like. Tell him. And don't mince words. Gush. Swallow your pride and be a fucking cheerleader over it. You have years and maybe even decades of programming "you must not hurt people" to overcome.
And don't be shy about asking, even begging, for something he has done once before if you liked it. Don't assume for a moment that just because he relented once, and you tried to make it obvious that you liked it, it would ever dawn on him to do it again without prompting.
At any rate, I'm gonna shut up now since I'm not sure I'm doing more than just farting in the wind. But, best of luck.