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the marks of a slave

mitchell67 said:
I was just reading about this phenomenon here.
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

It seems that we all put out bids, as the term du jour, and we really just want some manner of reciprocity to validate ourselves and reeastablish the intimate bonds, the kind that might have been frayed when one partner begins spending a lot more time on new projects outside the domestic sphere or neglecting her stalking responsibilities, as an example.
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eastern sun said:
It's been three days - practicing "turning towards" emotional bids on a daily basis rather than "turning away."

The result - completely transformed relationships with my husband and my daughter - both of whom have felt neglected by me in different ways and expressed it with resentment, criticism and rejection.

It only took one day to make a difference.

And the best part - I didn't have to think about "being kind," I only had to think about "turning towards" or "turning away" when the "bid" was presented. It's much easier.
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Interesting. I tend to need a lot of personal down time and as a result often "turn away" from bids for my attention.

I'm going to give this a try and see what shakes out. :)
 
eastern sun said:
It's been three days - practicing "turning towards" emotional bids on a daily basis rather than "turning away."
Click to expand...

“If nature has made you a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart; and though there may be times when your hands are empty, your heart is always full, and you can give things out of that" ~ Frances Burnett

The result - completely transformed relationships with my husband and my daughter - both of whom have felt neglected by me in different ways and expressed it with resentment, criticism and rejection.

It only took one day to make a difference.
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My heart runneth over... *hug*
 
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Endless_Night said:
Interesting. I tend to need a lot of personal down time and as a result often "turn away" from bids for my attention.

I'm going to give this a try and see what shakes out. :)
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Let us know what happens.

After one week, my relationships with my husband and my daughter are thriving.

On the other hand, I am barely speaking with my 18 year old son who - apparently - doesn't want much attention from me at the moment. (Ironically, he's the one I have been giving most of my attention to in the last year). I'm curious under what circumstances he'll put out a "bid."

This is an interesting experiment.
 
re: solutionist

eastern sun said:
It's been three days - practicing "turning towards" emotional bids on a daily basis rather than "turning away." [...]
It only took one day to make a difference.

And the best part - I didn't have to think about "being kind," I only had to think about "turning towards" or "turning away" when the "bid" was presented. It's much easier.
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It's rather astonishing how simply the way in which a situation is understood changes how we make changes to our behavior and effect the improvements that we want to see.
 
mitchell67 said:
It's rather astonishing how simply the way in which a situation is understood changes how we make changes to our behavior and effect the improvements that we want to see.
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It's true. I caught myself many times over the past week as I started to "turn away," too. Sometimes it took quite a bit of effort to drop my resistance and "turn towards" the "bid" I was receiving.

It was only because I made this pledge, pinned onto this virtual bulletin board, that I even thought about what I was doing in those moments.

Can you imagine the hermit's experience, without any witnesses outside his own mind? I think I would create "witnesses" in animals, insects, trees and spirits, to maintain emotional and mental balance. Or empty my mind so completely that all it contained was the world I was living in.
 
I am so glad that I incidentally clicked on this thread this morning. I would like to think I try to "turn towards bids" from my husband and kids, I know I could improve. It seems so simple and like it should be natural, but that's not always not necessarily the case. I am committed to making a better effort, even if it means being inundated with more World Cup watching and discussions. :)
 
It lasted 10 days. And then my father came to town.

"Turning towards" my father made me "turn away" from my husband. I simply could not figure out how to "turn towards" both in any given moment.

I've had similar experiences with my husband and my son.

I'm back on track now that my father has gone home, but the deterioration in our relationship was as immediate as the repair was 10 days earlier.
 
I'm a bit slow catching up here, but wanted to say thank you for the article on emotional bids. It's one of those things that I can already tell will impact my life from here out. And thank you for sharing your experiences with it ES :rose: Your insights into your own life somehow shed light on mine :heart:
 
eastern sun said:
It lasted 10 days. And then my father came to town.

"Turning towards" my father made me "turn away" from my husband. I simply could not figure out how to "turn towards" both in any given moment.

I've had similar experiences with my husband and my son.

I'm back on track now that my father has gone home, but the deterioration in our relationship was as immediate as the repair was 10 days earlier.
Click to expand...

While I've been having success with turning towards "bids" on the whole, I've noticed a similar problem. One-on-one is fairly easy, but when you add a second individual it creates a noticeable energy shift when moving between the two. Not ideal....
 
eastern sun said:
It lasted 10 days. And then my father came to town.

"Turning towards" my father made me "turn away" from my husband. I simply could not figure out how to "turn towards" both in any given moment.

I've had similar experiences with my husband and my son.

I'm back on track now that my father has gone home, but the deterioration in our relationship was as immediate as the repair was 10 days earlier.
Click to expand...

Endless_Night said:
While I've been having success with turning towards "bids" on the whole, I've noticed a similar problem. One-on-one is fairly easy, but when you add a second individual it creates a noticeable energy shift when moving between the two. Not ideal....
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I think the article was about one on one exchange in the marriage.
If it's going to work with more than two people I think all of them or at least most of them have to do an effort, or you are going to have to choose or feel torn.
 
I don't really know where to post this, so I post this here.

There are times when I feel like our dynamic is gone. It isn't gone, I just have stopped paying attention to it, been on an autopilot. It's good to take a step back and pay attention to what's going on sometimes.

"It's ok, you don't need to massage me anymore. Go cook now."
 
eastern sun said:
There are the obvious marks - the signs and symbols, the physical footprints of untold activities. But I want a place to speak of the subtle moments, the small mundane events that reinforce my position.

Like the choosing of a seat in a restaurant. Since he always chooses his seat first, I rarely have a view of the people at the other tables, the layout of the building. Occasionally I face the kitchen, the bathroom, almost always a wall. And always him. I watch him watch the room. I focus on his face. His conversation. And must turn in my chair to catch the waiter's eye when his drink is empty or it's time for the check.

Or this morning.

It's early. I'm just dressing. He has to work this weekend and asks as he leaves, "do you want to go to store with me?" I tag along, and he picks up the Sunday NY Times, removing the best sections. "Do you read the front page?" he asks. "Yes." So he leaves it for me, along with the bulk of the paper that will ultimately be recycled. "See you later," he says abruptly as he walks out the store to the subway. And I laugh and pay for the paper and carry it home, smiling at the triviality of the moment and how deeply it makes me feel like his slave - to be brought to the store to carry the heavy newspaper he'd never read home.
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I can see how this treatment might appeals to someone, but it's not my thing. I have always used my control to enhance life for my subs. I have picked out clothes that flatter them, directed them to try new cuisines, even exposed them to new authors and artists. The result has been amazing intensity in our relationships, both in and out of bed.
 
TheSeeker107 said:
I can see how this treatment might appeals to someone, but it's not my thing. I have always used my control to enhance life for my subs. I have picked out clothes that flatter them, directed them to try new cuisines, even exposed them to new authors and artists. The result has been amazing intensity in our relationships, both in and out of bed.
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Yes, he has done the same. But those are not the times I feel like a slave. :)
 
seela said:
There are times when I feel like our dynamic is gone. It isn't gone, I just have stopped paying attention to it, been on an autopilot. It's good to take a step back and pay attention to what's going on sometimes.

"It's ok, you don't need to massage me anymore. Go cook now."
Click to expand...

I've been thinking about this post, seela. I recognize it.

It got me thinking about the role of the autopilot. From wikipedia -

"An autopilot is a system used to control the trajectory of a vehicle without constant 'hands-on' control by a human operator being required. Autopilots do not replace a human operator, but assist them in controlling the vehicle, allowing them to focus on broader aspects of operation . . ."

We've gone through many periods where the focus of our relationship was on "broader aspects of operation" (i.e. child-rearing, jobs, the death of our parents). Being on autopilot is not necessarily a bad thing, allowing us to pay attention to the aspects of our lives that need to be prioritized over our sexual relationship.

It is incredibly satisfying though when we can bring the sexual expression of these dynamics front and center in our lives, and focus our full attention on each other.
 
eastern sun said:
It is incredibly satisfying though when we can bring the sexual expression of these dynamics front and center in our lives, and focus our full attention on each other.
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The longer the passage of time between these foci, for me, the harder it is to get back on track. If I go on auto pilot for too long I lose a portion of the original intensity. I have not rationalized my way through that before. Thanks :)
 
eastern sun said:
It is incredibly satisfying though when we can bring the sexual expression of these dynamics front and center in our lives, and focus our full attention on each other.
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My compliments to you and your Master.

Just when I had started to lose faith in people's strength, in their passion for what is most noble and worthwhile, in emotional bonds of extreme intensity, I stumble upon this gem of a thread.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
 
dora_salonica said:
My compliments to you and your Master.

Just when I had started to lose faith in people's strength, in their passion for what is most noble and worthwhile, in emotional bonds of extreme intensity, I stumble upon this gem of a thread.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Click to expand...

I haven't visited literotica for a while.

Thank you for your kind words. I've been enjoying your thread on the psychopathic sub.
 
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Working through a point of conflict -

He wants me to write a love-letter to an ex (one for whom I still have feelings).

I want to write a personal ad to a stranger.

He says, "that's not what you want."



I understand who gets to say what I do. But who gets to say what I want?

*********************************************************

The deeper issue is that I don't want to toy with my ex's emotions.

Even if my ex and I both really do want to hook up again, is it right to play this out within the context of the M/s dynamics?
 
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All_4_Love said:
Hope you're doing well, lady.
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Hey, Love. I'm doing very well, thank you.

Still busy with my not-so-new job. It's the first full-time job I've had in 20 years, and it's had a big impact on our routines.

I need to be careful too, because he smacks me in public to keep me in line - and now I have a public face I need to maintain - one that doesn't include getting smacked, kicked or punched (even playfully) by your husband!
 
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