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CanIBeUsername

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This will sound ridiculous, I am sure, but if I'm lucky someone might be able to give me a bit of advice. I'd post this on a non-sexy website, but if I do then I'll run the risk of getting the, "You don't deserve that kind of kink!!!"--and that's not gonna help anything. So . . . I hope it's okay to post this here!

If I'm honest BDSM is not my thing. I don't think it's weird or somehow immoral; there is nothing wrong with it. And, although I say it's "not my thing," there are certain aspects of it that turn me on, at least a little bit.

I'm sure you all have an idea of where this is going . . . I'm talking to a guy who told me he's a dom today. We haven't been talking for very long (just since late August), and we aren't dating, but I care about him a lot and he says the feeling is mutual. If we ever do date then I want to make him happy, and I am sure that being his sub would do just that.

However, I am afraid that by doing so I would be pushing myself beyond my own capabilities. I was raped when I was thirteen. I require some amount of control, and I know that neither a safe word nor just saying that I'm not comfortable with what's happening is really going to be enough. Yes, I do realize that BDSM and rape are two completely separate things (though of course there are people who are into both BDSM and rape fantasies) and, again, I'm not trying to suggest that there is anything bad about it at all.

To make it clear . . . I am not afraid of this guy, but I am afraid of having a breakdown unnecessarily while he's doing "dom stuff" during sex. I am also afraid of not doing this, because, although he's said he "wants me to be me" that doesn't mean he doesn't want to do this "sort of stuff."

Note: I would be totally fine if he wanted to have sex with someone outside of our relationship, provided that I knew who they were. Unfortunately, he's said a couple of things before that make me think he's not into that at all. In time I will probably bring this up, but I don't expect him to like the idea.

Basically . . . does anyone have any ideas for a sort of compromise, or perhaps any ideas where I might be able to approach this with a bit more confidence? It would really, really be appreciated.
 
When you say "Dom stuff during sex", what do you mean? What does "Dom stuff" [during sex] look like, to you?

You don't have to answer that publicly, but it's worth figuring out as a step towards establishing the boundaries you may need to feel comfortable in a relationship with this guy.

The next logical step (IMO), would be to find out of the "Dom stuff" you are worried about, is stuff he wants, needs or expects. Because at their core, D/s relationships depend on compatibility - just like every other relationship.

Discussing what you both/each want and need sexually, will give you a much better idea of how to proceed, than worrying about an anxiety attack. :) And having discussed things will give you both better odds at dealing with an anxiety attack if you get triggered.
 
CM is right - as just about always - so I urge you to read her reply carefully more than once.

Knowledge is power and ignorance is often the root cause of fear. Right now, your ignorance of your own limits and his expectations means you don't know if there's a gap between them or, if there if, if it's a gap you can bridge with some negotiation or not. So you're afraid of the future. Fix that fear with some knowledge.

Figure out as best you can what kinds of kinky sexy fun times are likely to appeal to you in the here and now. Then find out what kinds of kinky sexy fun times your potential partner enjoys and which ones he expects. What are his deal-breaker I've-got-to-have-X things and what ones are negotiable? Example: he expects that you'll suck his cock every morning while you serve him coffee in the nude (I know, the nerve of some men!). But you despise giving oral sex until after you've had your afternoon martini. He has an expectation that you could only meet with some negotiation or adaptation. Other example: he expects - and will not continue in a relationship with you without - plenty of good ass-fucking. You are deadly frightened of anal sex and vomit your Cheerios at the very thought of it. This might just be a no-brainer, guess I'd better look for a different guy kind of thing.

See what we mean?
 
CanIBeUsername said:
This will sound ridiculous, I am sure, but if I'm lucky someone might be able to give me a bit of advice. I'd post this on a non-sexy website, but if I do then I'll run the risk of getting the, "You don't deserve that kind of kink!!!"--and that's not gonna help anything. So . . . I hope it's okay to post this here!

If I'm honest BDSM is not my thing. I don't think it's weird or somehow immoral; there is nothing wrong with it. And, although I say it's "not my thing," there are certain aspects of it that turn me on, at least a little bit.

I'm sure you all have an idea of where this is going . . . I'm talking to a guy who told me he's a dom today. We haven't been talking for very long (just since late August), and we aren't dating, but I care about him a lot and he says the feeling is mutual. If we ever do date then I want to make him happy, and I am sure that being his sub would do just that.

However, I am afraid that by doing so I would be pushing myself beyond my own capabilities. I was raped when I was thirteen. I require some amount of control, and I know that neither a safe word nor just saying that I'm not comfortable with what's happening is really going to be enough. Yes, I do realize that BDSM and rape are two completely separate things (though of course there are people who are into both BDSM and rape fantasies) and, again, I'm not trying to suggest that there is anything bad about it at all.

To make it clear . . . I am not afraid of this guy, but I am afraid of having a breakdown unnecessarily while he's doing "dom stuff" during sex. I am also afraid of not doing this, because, although he's said he "wants me to be me" that doesn't mean he doesn't want to do this "sort of stuff."

Note: I would be totally fine if he wanted to have sex with someone outside of our relationship, provided that I knew who they were. Unfortunately, he's said a couple of things before that make me think he's not into that at all. In time I will probably bring this up, but I don't expect him to like the idea.

Basically . . . does anyone have any ideas for a sort of compromise, or perhaps any ideas where I might be able to approach this with a bit more confidence? It would really, really be appreciated.
Click to expand...

This sounds like you're putting the cart in front of the horse.

You're not dating.
You haven't had sex with him yet.
You think BDSM is "not your thing" but there are some things that you think turn you on.
You assume you want to be his submissive because he mentioned he's a Dom. (Wanting to be a submissive and being submissive are two different things)

Do not cross bridges until you come to them.

Take this relationship a step at a time and deal with each step AS it happens, IF it happens, and stop making assumptions about what you think he wants. If he's a Dom, he'll let you know what he wants.
 
BDSM isn't "a thing" either. It's an umbrella term that includes a large number of behaviors. Every relationship is different.

Also, no one can make you do anything you don't want to do, Dom or not. That's called abuse. They can opt to end the relationship if you don't want to do something that is important to them, so that is why you take lots of time to negotiate, and get to know them in the beginning before you invest yourself. Dating.

However, you always have the option of ending the relationship too.

The very definition of submission is that it's at the will and choice of the person who is submitting.

You never know what's going to trigger your past. I mean, what about something benign and unexpected with a vanilla/non-kink partner?

Nearly everyone who is into BDSM encounters something that either bores them to tears, or squicks them out which other people do.
 
First of all, dont start a relationship with kink. Have a solid vanilla relationship for at least a couple of weeks/months first. Know each other sexually and personally. Only then you can move to BDSM.

When it comes to kink, The best advice I can give you - take it very slow. Explain it to him and he will understand. Take it with baby steps. Don't go for full body bondage right away. Start with a bit of submission - following orders, holding hands behind the back (not tied), etcetra. Then when you are comfortable with that, move onto more complex stuff. Perhaps just hands tied, if he wants bondage. Or maybe, on the other hand, arms loose but legs tied up. Or even just some body bondage that covers you with rope that doesnt restrict the movement.
Make sure there's enough foreplay before anything kinky comes up, so that you are always aroused at that point. This will help your brain to accept whatever is happening as something sexy and pleasant.

Talk to him. In any BDSM relationship feedback between partners is the key. If anything, any small thing makes you feel bad - tell him. Make sure he understands that you need to take it slow. Let it be challenge to him.
 
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Listen to everything that was said before, all is wonderful, wonderful advice. When I started down my path of sexual discovery, 10 months ago (man time has flown), this is where I came for all my questions. I wandered around the boards for awhile. And the most important thing I learned then, is communication.

Communicating is so important in any type of relationship if you are sexually active or not. From what you are saying it sounds like you want a relationship with this person. So you should start there, talk to them about taking it to the next step. Build a solid ground of trust non-sexually before you take it to the bedroom. I know when 'R' and I entered into our relationship, he told me the second time after we had sex he was a Dom. I knew nothing except for the crap I read in 50 shade of Grey (Don't hate, it was well before I truly understood bdsm). It was a good month or 2 after he told me before I was ready to really start to submit to him. He waited patiently, answered every question and concern I had. And we communicated with what I was okay with and what I wasn't okay with.

So talk to this person, find out what they can't live without sexually. Communicate, because remember every relationship is 100% different. You make it work for you, not for anyone else. Once you have discussed and decided if you want to adventure in, just dip one toe in at a time. And have fun exploring new things, and if you try something and you don't like it. Then you don't do it again, just make sure to communicate!
 
TALK TO HIM!!!
Everything you said in your post, say to him! Make sure he understands your hopes, fears, and misgivings!

And find out his!

Take some time to see what the expectations are from each of you...then you can talk about compromising, etc.

Above all

THERE IS NO RUSH

Take your time....
 
One thing I will add to the sage advise above is that kink and sex are not always the same thing and don't always occur in the same space. There are plenty of people who kink without having sex.

If you develop a relationship, and if it involves sex, and if it involves kink - it doesn't always have to be kinky sex.

It could be that you might be able to separate the "trigger" from the sex - geographically (sex in this room, kink in that room), chronologically (kink on Wednesdays, sex on fridays); that you can also get mental and emotional separation as well.
 
cfuhrer said:
It could be that you might be able to separate the "trigger" from the sex - geographically (sex in this room, kink in that room), chronologically (kink on Wednesdays, sex on fridays); that you can also get mental and emotional separation as well.
Click to expand...

This is elegantly brilliant.

I do think talking talking talking is in order. It's important for him to be honest with himself about his needs so he can be honest with you. "Want to be with you" can cloud that sometimes.
 
new

ok. so i must confess here that although i have always been very sexual I have never tried BDSM but have always wanted to.
 
mark_jacobs50 said:
ok. so i must confess here that although i have always been very sexual I have never tried BDSM but have always wanted to.
Click to expand...


It is not about collecting "kink points", and when you have enough, it is "True BDSM" ®.

It is a continuum of activities, and some of them are actually pretty mainstream.
Have you ever held your partners wrists, given instructions about what you wanted, a bit of tying up, a slap on the buttock or a slight bite on a nipple?
In other words, anything but 4½ minutes in the missionary position with the lights off?

Oh you kinky bastard, then you are on the slippery slope to utter perversion!
 
Stay safe

If you aren't comfortable about it, then don't do it. It's always good to try new things, but you have to take care of yourself first. II had the same situation with a girl I dated. We just took it slow and established safe rules. If this person can't do sex with out a kinky twist (like I find myself lately) then maybe it's just best to be friends.

Just a thought. This is my first reply on literotica. I hope this helps.
 
You can also never ask too many questions. If BDSM isn't your thing, why are you getting into that sort of arrangement with a Dom? Sure, people can have vanilla relationships with people who are otherwise involved in the lifestyle - be it in a monogamous, open or polyamorous arrangement - but it often takes a lot of discussion and understanding to find that acceptable middle-ground.

If you do decide that you want to try kink, first things first - establish a safeword. This is something that you say the moment that you want the scene to stop. Any Dominant worth their salt will heed to that immediately. If he doesn't? Leave and don't look back.
 
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