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Old 11-24-2017, 10:31 PM   #1
HeavenLeighA
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Looking for Feedback on my first two!

Hi there!

I'd love some feedback on my first two stories. One is stand-alone, one is probably going to end up being a multi-chapter story.

Reunion: https://www.literotica.com/s/reunion-110 (probably will be multi chapter)

Hunted: https://www.literotica.com/s/hunted-9 (Stand alone)

Let me know what you think!
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Old 11-24-2017, 11:00 PM   #2
Areala-chan
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Just a little more information on HeavenLeighA's stories for potential readers. Both stories are in the NonHuman category, and each is one Lit page in length. Make sure you give this info, otherwise people don't know what to expect before clicking, and the last thing you want is someone slagging you off for pointing them at stuff they find objectionable or uninteresting.

In my case, NonHuman's not a category I'm interested in, so I'm not your target audience, but hopefully someone else here will offer up some critique.
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Old 11-25-2017, 12:10 AM   #3
HeavenLeighA
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Sorry, thank you!
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Old 11-25-2017, 12:32 PM   #4
hylas_
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I read "Hunted". No-nonsense, short and hot, and well written. The only thing I didn't love was the I/You perspective combined with past tense. In my opinion, the two don't mesh well, because the former give the reader a feeling of immediacy, while the latter puts a little bit of distance between the story and the reader. I'd either use present tense, or switch to third person.
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Old 11-27-2017, 07:19 PM   #5
8letters
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Your striving for a mood and you don't quite pull it off. First paragraph of Hunted:
Quote:
It was cold, and the snow had been falling for hours. I had been walking through the peaceful woods (1), through this snow(2), and it made me feel isolated: alone(3). The walk made me feel as if I was the only one in the world,(4) and for a time that was comforting,(5) the crunch of my knee-high boots on the crust,(6) the snow falling lightly on my dark hair, my coat wrapped around my leggings and a loose top(7).
1 - The construct "I had been walking..." implies to me a "when" and you have no "when". Also "the peaceful woods" implies there is only one peaceful woods. "Some peaceful woods" would have been better
2 - As opposed to some other snow?
3 - I don't like the colon. I'd think a comma would be appropriate
4 - An unneeded comma
5 - The comma should be a period as you are about to change topics
6 - This to me was a non sequitur. Feeling I was the only one in the world was comforting because the crunch of my knee-high boots. I think this section would have worked better after the "walking through the woods" sentence as it a description of walking through the woods
7 - I find "my coat wrapped around my leggings and a loose top" confusing. Is the coat tied around the narrator's waist? What's a "loose top"?
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