BDSM: Questions and Answers

hercules723 here still cant post so i will have to do it this way.

My gf and i have just started with what guess would be called light bondage we just got some handcuffs and she is really clever so made some whips. What i would like to know is we have used these, ice, blindfolds, spanking but do you guys have some ideas for some other things we could try to make it even better!!!!

hercules723 said:

What i would like to know is we have used these, ice, blindfolds, spanking but do you guys have some ideas for some other things we could try to make it even better!!!!

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If you will take the time to read through this thread, you will find it sprinkled with various ideas and websites for more ideas.

My fave is WD's over the door travel-able toys. Those have been incorporated into many a fantasy for mine

Re: The Tau of Subspace

geo.fraser said:

I love research, but the far south coast of Africa (Lat. 34) is not a good place to start on this. If anything transpires, I'd love to help, in any capacity at all.

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If I hear that anyone's taking you up on it (or if I decide to ), I'll be sure to let you know and try to solicit your input.

Sounding like your Father-in-law is better than sounding like your Mother-in-law (just kidding). Is he English? or if not, perhaps he was educated somewhere in the Ivy League. [/B]

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LOL. Not English; he's actually from Montana (I think). Educated at Stanford. And, in a Freudian sense, it's definitely better that you remind me of him rather than her. Thanks for the smiles.

BDSM: like Catholicism?

When R.S. commented on my use of the Church as a metaphor for reaching SubSpace, I thought about it a little more. The church had other means for reaching exaltation, we should consider FASTING followed by long periods of kneeling on the stones of unheated chapels, at 3 30 AM. That will do it, it is on record. Then there is auto sadism/masochism as in, wearing hair-shirts, self-flaggelation and so on. The Nuns were treated as subs/slaves TOTAL obedience was a must, to their Domme the abbess and even more to their Dom the Priest who took their confession and ordered their punishment. This would NOT have been of the "I've been a very naughty girl" type of confession.

Another point of similarity is that novices would go into training all fired up to be a religious, but after a few months it often happened that her Domme would decide that she didn't have a true vocation after all and dump her back into the lay world of sin and all that jazz. Did she suffer subdrop, or what?

- This is all in the books.

Cheer up, it's not ALL mediaeval horror. Read the Decamaron, and you will see that, at least in renaissance times, nuns could also have a LOT of fun. And Babies, don't forget Babies!

<re: all the wonderfully, informative posts in reply to my long winded questions>

sorry this is late, i've been sick for the past few days, but i just wanted to say thank you to everyone that offered their knowledge and wisdom. i'm starting to feel much more confident in this lifestyle choice...i'm even thinking about talking w/ a very good friend about it (gasp!)

i was re-reading through some of the back posts, and i came across the ones where people were talking about how obvious it can be who's dom/sub, just by studying their behavior/conversations/group interactions. so i decided to pay particular attention to these details one night...wow, you really can tell sometimes!

and leXie, i looooooooove your billy joel quote...that is one of my favorite songs!

<* Newbie looking for perspective *>

I haven’t read all 50 pages of this thread, so if I am rehashing already covered ground, I apologize.

I have a couple of philosophical type questions concerning BDSM.

I have noticed that a large portion of the commercially available literature concerning BDSM is written by professional dommes.

I am curious how the majority of the BDSM community feels about that.

1. Is it possible to have a valid dominant submissive relationship with a professional? Who is more motivated to please whom? Is the submissive more motivated due to his natural submissive proclivities, or is the domme more motivated to please the submissive due to the fact that he is a customer, and she is, at least in part dependent upon him for her livelihood.

2. How does the majority of the BDSM community regard the professional? In that both provide, for monetary reward, that which, to be truly meaningful, must be freely given, a professional dominatrix seems very close, emotionally and philosophically, to a prostitute, regardless of the lack of actual sex.

Please understand I am not looking to alienate or offend anyone. I would really like to know the feelings on these topics of people who are in committed, not for profit, BDSM relationships.

Kindest Regards,

Very little of what I have read has been written by "professionals." Most people involved in the lifestyle are real people, with real relationships. They look at the advertised, and "prostituted" Doms and Dommes not as a norm, but as a fringe element in the lifestyle. They fill a purpose for some, but few would consider them the experts in the field.
The potential for validity in a "for hire" relationship would seem to be only in the imagination of the person paying, whether it is a professional Dom, hooker, or phone sex operator.
It is no fairer to judge the sincerity of power exchange relationships by the images presented by the pros, than it is to judge the intimacies of erotic lovemaking from the diary of a call girl.
-just my thoughts. ~dagny~

khamoshi are you still looking for voices for your book? If so, i'm game. PM me and we can start talking about what you need, if it's in the realm of the private, or simply post your questions here, if it's not.

Geo, i'm not religious in any kinda classical sense so i can't comment on your asserions of parallels between rapturous religios staes and those in which we often (but not often enough!) find ourselves as submissives. Based on nothing more than your words and a little bit of info on the subject gleaned here and there through the years, they certainly do seem to have some parallels. I gotta say, though, what we get from our rapture state has got to be neter than what those hair shirt floks get from theirs. Man. Talk about your masochists...

hercules723 maybe you could incorporate some of these things:
(1) Mental bondage (tell her to raise her hands, for instance, and hold on to the bed headboard and don't let go no matter what.
(2) Tie her hands loosely (beware wrist marks if you go too tightly) with some soft rope and lead her naked around the yard (if you can without getting arrested) or the house, talking to her about her body, her use to you, the use you will make of her soon, just to get her juices going.
(3) Go shopping together at your local home improvement store for inexpensive locks and rope and such things. Go to a livestock store. (Sources of good quality and inexpensive things like crops.) Go to a sewing store. Heck, walk up and down *every* asile of your local Wal-Mart with an eye toward ordinary things that could be sexual between you two. Bet'cha you'll both be panting before the shopping trip is over.
(4) Go to your local "Adult" store together. Giggle. Touch stuff. Have her try collars on. Buy an anal plug.
(5) Have her wear something very sexual under her ordinary clothing and go out to lunch. You wear a cock ring, too - they're drfinitely not just for male subs.

Read through some websites that have info aimed at those who are just coming a real exploration of this sexuality. You'll find lots there. Have fun with it.

And rigged4dive? I've never had anything at all to do with BDSM professionals so i can't help you with any first person info. My own very personal feelings, though, lead me to think that, for me, the "relationship" with one i'm paying to attend to my needs would not be something of much lasting emotional depth. Perhaps it wouldn't be possible at all. For me. And i cannot, of course, speak for the whole BDSM community. I don't have a clue how most people feel about this issue, to be honest.



Sorry to be rather AWOL of late, all.
I've been sorting through Dominants, having coffee with them, seeing one or two again, trying to determine (from among the very sudden and unanticipated excess of riches with regard to Doms in my life, or, errr, in my inbox, anyway) with whom i want to take the next few steps. Such trouble and woe is mine, hmmm?




Addendum:
GODS i'm tired. I should have edited this for spelling (at the least!) before posted it but i didn't. Sorry for the glaring, offensive errors, all.

Welcome to this small corner of Lit, dagny. You made valid points and good sense with your reponse to rigged4dive. Can i wander around behind your posts and say "what dagny said" after everything you put out? I'm too tired to think on my own right now and it would be, like, so cool if i could do that. I'd only need to do it for a day or so.



A question, me to you, my fellow perverts.
This is serious.
And embarassing.

Y'all know (well, most of you know) that i'm actively seeking a new Dominant. I'm not interested in anything long distance, not interested in Dominants just coming to this kinda sexuality, and not interested in playing a shy little virgin who doesn't know anything and needs to be taught.

I've been there, done that, and want to get back into it as soon as possible. I won't be in love with anyone again for a long while, but my body needs the heat, the fire, the incredible release - and, quite frankly, i see no reason why i shouldn't have all that.

So. Uh. That brings me to my question.
I play hard.
Marks of various kinds and in various places very often accompany me home.
I have not and will not lie to anyone about my looking for what i'm looking for, nor have i given anyone reason to think i'm saving myself for some mythical perfect Dominant.

Do i... how do i... tell someone in whom i'm interested, and who wants to session with me, that the marks will be there?

What do i say?

How do i say it?

Don't tell me to not play with anyone else until the marks are gone cuz, well, that just won't help me. I guess maybe this could work to winnow and separate the grown-up Doms from the head-in-clouds Dommies in some cruel fashion.

How would you feel if you heard such a thing from someone in whom you were interested in pursuing the physical to see if the rest of it might be a go, too?

I feel unaccountably uncomfortable about talking with any of them this subject, she says, her body still tingling and marks still forming from the heat on her backside and breasts as she remembers today and thinks about tomorrow... and feels a tiny bit of panic.

Maybe i shouldn't have done today, certainly an unplanned spur-of-the-moment thing?
Too late.
And i sure as hell don't regret it, either!

Maybe i should cancel tomorrow?
But... but... i don't want to!
I've been eagerly anticipating it!

Help?

well cym my dear, you've said you will not lie about it, so *what* you tell your Dom/mes is fairly limited. how you tell them can be done in a couple of ways. first of all you could put it in your profile or first few e-mails. simply state that you are not being exclusive at this point. just as a Dom/me must earn your submissive, so too must s/he earn the position as the only one in your life.

as for tomorrow... that's a slightly more slippery entity. i don't know what your relation with this person is like, but perhaps an e-mail or phone call would be in order. or perhaps you should simply wait until s/he gets you naked and asks you what you've been up to.

good luck sorting through your... options i wish i had as many as you.

cym, I would say be honest, if the subject comes up. You are actively looking for another Dom using websites and such, chances are the people you are meeting found out about you in those places, right? I think they might also be testing the waters with other subs too. So, while the marks might not be specifically expected, they wouldn't be out of place (so to say).

Take care and good luck. I have learned so much from you and the others on this board. I wish you all the best!

Lexie, darlin', i live in the San Francisco Bay area, as you know. If i can't find bunches of kinky people ("options", as you termed them) around here to play with then bunches of kinky people don't exist anywhere.

Here's the salient part of the email i sent out a while ago to the tomorrow Dom:

Hi David,

[insert some personal stuff about tomorrow here]

I have to tell you, David, that i have some marks on my breasts and butt from prior playing. I mark easily and the marks last a long time. These marks are here and obvious.

I thought you should know in case that would affect your decision to come here tomorrow morning. I'm not sure why it would affect you decision but it might and so i felt i owed you that bit of info.

[insert some general personal stuff here]

Warm regards,
b.

What do you think?
Too matter-of-fact?
Too Dommish?
I certainly don't feel a need to apologize for them and so won't go there but i do feel i should mention them beforehand, you know?

Why do you feel you have to explain in an e-mail before meeting as opposed to discussing it in person when he sees you? Cym, dear--this sounds rather bizzarre...

I don't know, BG.
I don't know at all why i should be feeling confused and conflicted about this.

Maybe it's partly because i haven't been in a situation where i've been playing with more than one person in a long, long time (years and YEARS).

Maybe it's partly because part of what i do as a submissive is to create a certain ambiance within my playspace, a feeling of limitless possibilities for both of us in terms of touching and being touched - and my being marked *already*, before the play begins and by someone else, serves to detract in some manner from that emotional space.

Maybe it's partly because i am so experienced and half the Dom/mes who are interested in me are also sort of taken aback at the volume of my BDSM experiences. In truth, i have the "my prior experiences are, collectively, just building blocks on which i construct the foundation of all new relationships" talk with almost every potential Dom/me with whom i talk face to face, as do we all, probably. For me, though, that body of experience is pretty large and it is offputting to some, i'm afraid. Maybe carrying bruises and marks into sessions is yet more experience to smooth over and explain away?

I'm way tired and am probably not making much sense.
I'm going to bed now.
Thank you for your comments, lexie, Trinka, and BG.
(Speak up more often, Trinka!)

I think I would want the heads up. However, after I had admired the other Dom/Dommes work I am afraid it would bring out my competitive nature and you could expect quite a play session. Bruises my Honey gets that are unexplained turn me on and if I have left a mark I get wet seeing it.

IMHO Cymbidia, if you feel the need to share this upfront, go for it. One thing I love about the lifestyle is the upfront communication that should idealy be a part of play. My limits are...I am not in an exclusive relationship etc.

Good luck.

middle of the night, got up to pee, checked email...

... and was pleasantly surprised and relieved to see this answer to my earlier email:

Thanks for telling me about the marks, b.
They make no difference to me for I take you as you are and vice versa.

[personal stuff]

Tomorrow, little flower.
D


I was overreacting.
It's a non-issue, just as you indicated BG.
Thank you for listening to me ramble anyway. I shouldn't unload my thoughts out here when i'm that tired, should i? It feels really good to know, though, that you'll listen to me, and help, even if it's something silly, even if it's nothing more than a case of nervous apprehension, even if it borders on the bizarre.

Thank you, and good night again.

I would have done the same, cym. I am not sure if it is the fear of rejection or simply respect that makes me tell all before meeting someone. I know I hate surprises.

Furthermore, I would have been very disappointed if the response was any other than you received.

Enjoy, be safe and be well,
Miss T

cym,

I think I know how you felt about the marks on your body... because of a medication that I take, I bruise very easily and don't always know how the bruises get on my body.

I remember once when Himself and I had not been together for a week or so, and he found marks on my back and questioned me as to where they had come from... I didn't know and I could not see them...

The point I make is that he views my body as his to mark or not... I don't know if other Dom/mes feel this way... but he does..

I think you did the right thing for you in this situation...

Ok, I'm shy...I admitted it

I'm new to the scene, but very interested. I've always known what my proclivities were, just not how to express them until recently. I love the warmth and openness that I've found personally in the bdsm community where I live. I am married, and my husband is very vanilla, so my experiences are very limited. Reading these posts have given me strength to become the person I need to be

Trinka, good for you! Its very hard to be married to vanilla when your needs are definitely "not nilla". Believe me, I know all too well. Good luck on your journey and I hope you will find that which you seek.

I'm feeling pretty hopeful for myself these days. Time will tell.

OK, but what about us Nillas?

Desdemona said:

Trinka, good for you! Its very hard to be married to vanilla when your needs are definitely "not nilla". Believe me, I know all too well. Good luck on your journey and I hope you will find that which you seek.

I'm feeling pretty hopeful for myself these days. Time will tell.

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I have read every page of this thread, and followed up some of the links, I'm claiming at least a superior kind of ignorance here.

Being a Nilla myself, nothing wrong with that, the Constitution guarantees our right, I have occasionally felt concern over the welfare of Nillas married to subs.

The sub gives her soul and her body to her Dom to do with as he pleases; OK, there are negotiations, contracts, limits. What she gives, she withholds from her Nilla husband. While she is becoming everything she can be, he is left with less than half of her. There is no compensation for him.

Is there any reason for the marriage to continue? If hubby is keeping her, but her heart belongs to Daddy, that is an unethical position, IMHO. If there are children of the marriage, what will be done about them? What do the US judges decide in such cases?

Re: OK, but what about us Nillas?

geo.fraser said:

I have read every page of this thread, and followed up some of the links, I'm claiming at least a superior kind of ignorance here.

Being a Nilla myself, nothing wrong with that, the Constitution guarantees our right, I have occasionally felt concern over the welfare of Nillas married to subs.

The sub gives her soul and her body to her Dom to do with as he pleases; OK, there are negotiations, contracts, limits. What she gives, she withholds from her Nilla husband. While she is becoming everything she can be, he is left with less than half of her. There is no compensation for him.

Is there any reason for the marriage to continue? If hubby is keeping her, but her heart belongs to Daddy, that is an unethical position, IMHO. If there are children of the marriage, what will be done about them? What do the US judges decide in such cases?

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Don't do it, Spec, ol' buddy, don't shoot your mouth off about this....

Too late, the half-assed thought is already out....

Well, geo, I'd guess that depends on each relationship a person has in their lives. I may be about to commit some sacrelige here, but for some people, BDSM is just a fun game to play. For others, it's a mild addiction, like chocolate (chocolate.... MMMMM). For still others, It's an inseparable part of self, a true sharing of souls, a melding of jigsaw pieces that fit together. Personally, I'm somewhere between those last two, a sappy, hopeless romantic who can't separate his sexuality from his love, and sees no need to try. Part of why I'm alone right now. Another part is some old emotional wounds that haven't quite healed yet, and still another part is fear of getting cut that deep ever again.

So your questions are pretty tough for me to try and answer, and my guess is a lot of the long-time lifestylers felt a cold shudder at your mention of US Judges. Hell, I did, and I didn't live through the really bad times for people like me, where they could look forward to losing everything they had, every part of their lives for their desires. Nowadays, I'm considered "just a little kinky." so we've come a long way, but we're not there yet. I just have to talk to my parents about issues that relate to my sexuality and interests to find out just how far we have to go on that front.

The situation you're describing, I can't imagine. I know it happens, but there's no way I could concieve of marrying a woman who's not compatibly kinky, leave alone having kids with her. But that's just me.

There, you shot your mouth off about some stuff you know nothing about. Happy, Spec?

Not really, but I had to get some stuff off my chest.

And cym? Keep your integrity. It's something way too rare in this world, orchid. And it just as easily could have been an issue, so you did good letting him know.

Geo, my darling correspondant, you raise some very valid points. However, they're true for all people in unhappy marriages, and are certainly not just limited to to those of us drawn to BDSM sexuality.

Anytime anyone is in a marriage that isn't feeding her body, soul, and spirit, she should ask herself if it is time to go.

Unhappily, real world considerations will often dictate that she remain where she is, living the half-life of the unfulfilled submissive, until those considerations change enough to allow her out of the marriage.

If there are children involved, then those children will adapt and adjust to the new arrangements, just as the children in all divorce situations adapt.

I know all this because i've been in such a mismatched mariage for 21 years, and am now in the process of getting out of it - and we have children. The above is at least true for me, in my situation, Geo, and is probably at least somewhat true for most of us subs-with-nilla husbands.

We stay until there's reason to go, whatever that reason may be.

Regardless of what it looks like on the outside, our being tied to two very different men, husband and Master, causes all of us incredible heartache. Our submissiveness demands honesty and openness, but our husbands don't want that from us. They abhor and fear that which is true at our core. So we turn to another with our need, our shame at having to do so dogging our steps and impeding our progression.

Tolerance.
Understanding.
Kindly regard, Geo.

Not one of us set out to hurt our nilla husband by withholding that which we would gladly give him if he would take it.

Truth.




Thank you, T.

um......

I'm not sure if your post is directed to me Geo, but I didn't specify which end of the flogger I am most comfortable with *grins* and, I did not say that I had some Dom or any relationship outside of my marraige. Being a Domme (or if you're a sub) is just be part of who I am. Its in how I react to things and in my relationships. I guess I always knew but didn't know what it was - does this make sense to anyone?

I'm sure there are many relationships where a Dom or sub is married to a nilla. This doesn't mean the person is looking outside the marraige/relationship to get their needs met.

Each relationship is different. In bdsm relationships, there is alot talking and open honest communication. And, each relationship is different. As far as your questions about children are concerned - I don't have any and if I did, this would be a different post and I different life for me all together.