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Inspiring his interest...

Micio_Lambire

Micio_Lambire

Just Me
Joined
Aug 8, 2016
Posts
6,320
How do I get my husband to become more interested in sexual bdsm. I love being tied up/down, spanking and hair pulling while being fucked but he's not that into it. I don't want to push but I'd love some suggestions.
 
Micio_Lambire said:
How do I get my husband to become more interested in sexual bdsm. I love being tied up/down, spanking and hair pulling while being fucked but he's not that into it. I don't want to push but I'd love some suggestions.
Click to expand...

You can't get him to be more interested if he's not into it. If he is willing to indulge you once in a while then that may be about the extent of what you'll get. Often times we think, "they're men! They should love this stuff, right?" Wrong. Men have individual preferences, needs and wants. Your husband may prefer non-BDSM sex.

Also, have you asked if he has any interests in kink at all? Maybe he doesn't really like tying you up, spanking you or pulling your hair, maybe he has other interests that he hasn't brought up? I would suggest talking about it and coming to a compromise. If he says he has no kink preferences, respect that.
 
From a man's perspective - you can't 'ask' him for his interests. He's been taught to not go there. You have to stimulate his interest in you in ways that get beyond his life-long socially imposed suppression of his desires.

"HARDER!" said while he is biting or pinching your nipples can often get you what you want. That word also tends to work in other situations too as well as "Take me" or "fuck me" but hard and harder are the most universal because they get the point across.

This works because he wants to please you and will give you what you are asking for unless he's an uncaring oaf. Sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea and a plate of cookies to 'have a conversation' will turn him off because he doesn't understand stuff like that. Or, at least I don't and I suspect most men don't either.

From there, you have to initiate any further kink because most men aren't going to just grab a woman, tie her up and fuck her brains out. We've been conditioned since puberty to NEVER do that unless we want to go to jail. Go slow, buy things that aren't shocking to his senses. Buy toys that you can show him how to use to really get you off.

As things progress, move up to restraints. Use a scarf that you've kept under your pillow to twist your wrists into to restrain yourself for instance while telling him to use you harder. Buy other toys that you want to try out - a butt plug, clamps, etc.

Eventually even the densest man will get the message that you want more from your lovemaking AND relationship than the wham-bam and/or slow ride. At that point you can begin to talk to him about how you feel, what you want, and how he can give it to you. Once at that point you get to explore limits, yours AND his.

Your job is to remember it's not about you, it's about both of you. And, yes it's YOUR job not his. If you are the one who wants something, it's up to you to train your partner how to give it to you while also giving him what he wants. At the same time, you have to respect that sometimes what he wants is the exact opposite of what you want. That's where compromise comes in for both of you.
 
MeekMe said:
You can't get him to be more interested if he's not into it. If he is willing to indulge you once in a while then that may be about the extent of what you'll get. Often times we think, "they're men! They should love this stuff, right?" Wrong. Men have individual preferences, needs and wants. Your husband may prefer non-BDSM sex.

Also, have you asked if he has any interests in kink at all? Maybe he doesn't really like tying you up, spanking you or pulling your hair, maybe he has other interests that he hasn't brought up? I would suggest talking about it and coming to a compromise. If he says he has no kink preferences, respect that.
Click to expand...

HisArpy said:
From a man's perspective - you can't 'ask' him for his interests. He's been taught to not go there. You have to stimulate his interest in you in ways that get beyond his life-long socially imposed suppression of his desires.

"HARDER!" said while he is biting or pinching your nipples can often get you what you want. That word also tends to work in other situations too as well as "Take me" or "fuck me" but hard and harder are the most universal because they get the point across.

This works because he wants to please you and will give you what you are asking for unless he's an uncaring oaf. Sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea and a plate of cookies to 'have a conversation' will turn him off because he doesn't understand stuff like that. Or, at least I don't and I suspect most men don't either.

From there, you have to initiate any further kink because most men aren't going to just grab a woman, tie her up and fuck her brains out. We've been conditioned since puberty to NEVER do that unless we want to go to jail. Go slow, buy things that aren't shocking to his senses. Buy toys that you can show him how to use to really get you off.

As things progress, move up to restraints. Use a scarf that you've kept under your pillow to twist your wrists into to restrain yourself for instance while telling him to use you harder. Buy other toys that you want to try out - a butt plug, clamps, etc.

Eventually even the densest man will get the message that you want more from your lovemaking AND relationship than the wham-bam and/or slow ride. At that point you can begin to talk to him about how you feel, what you want, and how he can give it to you. Once at that point you get to explore limits, yours AND his.

Your job is to remember it's not about you, it's about both of you. And, yes it's YOUR job not his. If you are the one who wants something, it's up to you to train your partner how to give it to you while also giving him what he wants. At the same time, you have to respect that sometimes what he wants is the exact opposite of what you want. That's where compromise comes in for both of you.
Click to expand...


Thanks to the both of you for two different perspectives. I will attempt a bit more as HisArpy suggested but definitely respect his choice if he decides he really doesn't like whatever I attempt as MeekMe said. I want him to enjoy as I do but if he doesn't it's not the end of the world. We'll still have great sex anyways. :) Thanks again.
 
Gianbattista said:
I am a frank talker with partners.

I find it pragmatic and can save a lot of painful miscommunication. It doesn't have to expect on the spot answers ...it can be ....this is what I like and don't like, inviting rather than demanding response with a revisit if it's needed, and frankly, I need it a bit. My wants develop, and/or I want a reassurance my partners are met. My stance has always been that if we cannot find way to talk about it then we aren't compatible to do it :). Am I a puta about it, you'd have to ask those who have been subjected to it :). Most seem to have recognised it's a communication of affection and importance. It doesn't need to be a 'serious' talk, it can be exceptionally bonding, extremely arousing and affectionate and generate fondness and care in both directions. I need direction in order to please sometimes; and I seem to please, giving me the tools to do so enables me and frees me to be more relaxed and engaged in early lovemaking or trying new things.

While it might be uncomfortable for you hisarpy, for others it is a key to enjoyment. I can also say that in sytarting these conversations it has never stopped someone wanting to sleep with me. It has sometimes made cleR we aren't relationship material :D but that's good to know :)
Click to expand...

Knowing what's going on beforehand hasn't ever been a turn off in my conversations with my husband. Springing something on him while we're already engaged feels like coercion and I want no part of that. Talking about it beforehand also gives him a chance to say if he is uncomfortable with something and that he would rather not do that with me. It also opens up communication for him to tell me if there's something he'd rather do. On top of that I can show him technique that he might not know that would make out activities more fun and safer than if he goes in blind.

OP, you might find that he wants to be tied up and spanked. You never know. Be prepared for him to completely fumble if you tell him "harder" and he either doesn't do it or goes too hard. I'm glad you'll respect his wishes if he's just not that into it.
 
Gianbattista said:
for me it's not necessary to plan each time. I don't mind surprise within our trusting relationship at all. What I don't want is to reach a point where I disappoint :eek: through something that could have been easily discussed. As I only have sec within love now I might even be up to be coerced a little but that the one coercing me would no it was pushing would help them gauge things in a way they cannot if they don't know well how I feel.
Click to expand...

It's not a matter of planning everything out. We've never gone over a game plan but more a general "I like being tied up, but there are some safety things we need to go over because I like my limbs working properly. Spanking my bum is ok, slapping my face is not. Don't hit here, here and here, those are not good places to hit." When he was completely new, it was entirely up to me to communicate what was ok and not ok. The more he was aware of, the better. The last thing I would want is to tell him to do something in the moment (and he does it because we tend to do things we normally wouldn't in such situations) and find that after the fun was had he really didn't like that it happened. I want fun to be had by both of us.
 
You should also remember that some people don't really know what they want, and so talking to them, while always a good first step, can get youv ery little in terms of common ground.
You'd be amazed how many people out there are not exposed to kink at all, never watched bondage porn or read such stories.

The easiest way to find out what you both do and don't like is to actually try things. Easy things at first, things that are bound to go well (no pun intended).

For example you can't really start with rope bondage. It's an art that needs learning, definitely not something you do to try things out. Belts or specified cuffs are better in that respect.

I think that what you should do is try things out. One after another, and then talk about it.
 
Micio_Lambire said:
How do I get my husband to become more interested in sexual bdsm. I love being tied up/down, spanking and hair pulling while being fucked but he's not that into it. I don't want to push but I'd love some suggestions.
Click to expand...

I find this somewhat difficult to comment on since I know so little about him. Primarily, I'm wondering what his personal beliefs are in regard to "kinks". If he has an very open mind, that's one thing....but if he holds moral/religious/personal values which rejects "kink" then that's a whole different conversation. Can you help us know him better?
 
yukonnights said:
I find this somewhat difficult to comment on since I know so little about him. Primarily, I'm wondering what his personal beliefs are in regard to "kinks". If he has an very open mind, that's one thing....but if he holds moral/religious/personal values which rejects "kink" then that's a whole different conversation. Can you help us know him better?
Click to expand...

He's an athiest so no religious hangups. He's spanked me a couple of times before but not as hard as I'd like,, I think he worries he'll hurt me. We've been married almost 3 years but sexually I have more experience so maybe that's part of it. He has no problems twisting/biting my nipples cus he knows what it does to me and if it's too hard I always tell him. He'll pull my hair only if I wear pigtails. Does that help a bit?
 
Gianbattista said:
While it might be uncomfortable for you hisarpy, for others it is a key to enjoyment. I can also say that in sytarting these conversations it has never stopped someone wanting to sleep with me. It has sometimes made cleR we aren't relationship material :D but that's good to know :)
Click to expand...

It's not that it's uncomfortable. Rather, it's that most of my earlier partners didn't know what they wanted and tended to not invest in the conversation. They may have wanted to but social conditioning prevented it. Thus, a tea and cookies conversation approach won't always work.

Different relationships require different approaches. Also, I tend to look at the problem from the opposite end of the paddle.
 
HisArpy said:
It's not that it's uncomfortable. Rather, it's that most of my earlier partners didn't know what they wanted and tended to not invest in the conversation. They may have wanted to but social conditioning prevented it. Thus, a tea and cookies conversation approach won't always work.

Different relationships require different approaches. Also, I tend to look at the problem from the opposite end of the paddle.
Click to expand...

Speaking of paddles... what sort would you recommend for a beginner? I figure if he's agreeable I should have some knowledge of what to get.
 
Micio_Lambire said:
How do I get my husband to become more interested in sexual bdsm. I love being tied up/down, spanking and hair pulling while being fucked but he's not that into it. I don't want to push but I'd love some suggestions.
Click to expand...

Micio_Lambire said:
He's an athiest so no religious hangups. He's spanked me a couple of times before but not as hard as I'd like,, I think he worries he'll hurt me. We've been married almost 3 years but sexually I have more experience so maybe that's part of it. He has no problems twisting/biting my nipples cus he knows what it does to me and if it's too hard I always tell him. He'll pull my hair only if I wear pigtails. Does that help a bit?
Click to expand...

Yes, that helps. Since he doesn't have religious hangups, what did he say was the main reason he wasn't into bdsm? Have you encouraged him to elaborate on why? It sounds like he's sort of getting into a little, so there's hope. Maybe just a bit more 'mining' on your part might get him to say more. Once he does, then you can better discuss the root problem he's having.
 
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