How would a dom react?

I posted this on the Authors board, but it was suggested I ask here for an answer too.

I'm new to the BDSM culture (no idea if I'm a sub, a dom, both or neither at the moment), and the way I explore myself is by writing. I tend to be a bit of a sulker and can be quite stubborn (I'm working on it) and I want to explore that in my latest writing, including how it affects others. I also have Aspergers Syndrome, so things that should be obvious when it comes to people and how they react aren't so obvious to me.

In the story I'm writing, a married couple have a D/s relationship. In this "episode", rightly or wrongly, the dom punishes the sub for an infraction but instead of a cathartic release, the sub starts to feel resentful and remains sullen through aftercare/refuses aftercare outright (not sure which would be better yet).

What would be a) the ideal reaction from the dom leading to a resolution and b) what would be the realistic reaction from the dom?

Thanks in advance!

The ideal reaction would be to apologize, take a step back and talk about it, either right now or later next day.

BDSM relationship is by and large driven by fun and enjoyment that both parties derive from the experience. If the submissive is punished but feels bad about it - this is a clear indication that something went wrong. Even if the punishment is "justified" in the scope of the arrangement they are having - it's still a clear indication that something's wrong.

Perhaps the Dom misjudged the strength of punishment, or the mood. Or perhaps the submissive has overestimated herself when agreeing to the arrangement, the limits, or when not safe-wording during the session.

The dominant should be patient and supportive in either case. Because, when you go to the root of the problem, his actions has caused unwanted emotional distress in his submissive, and so he would appologize and smooth things over regardless if there's actually any fault to his actions. Because saying "I'm sorry" costs nothing, and can also be "I'm sorry you didn't like that, tell me what you want next time".

In either case, the discussion is necessary. A step back, perhaps engaging in a more softcore play. What caused the problem?
- Was she not in the mood for a serious play? Arrangements should be made to verify this in the future.
- Does she think she's been punished wrongly? Again, the consensus needs to be reached, perhaps some exceptions to the rules to be made. A lot of the times when we plan out DS arrangement in out heads that sounds super-hot, but then the reality turns out to be much less fun than it seemed - that's normal, just change the rules, and don't be stuck on them! Or, perhaps, she would admit and agree that the Dom was correct, and next time will not make any drama. A settlement in any case.
- Perhaps the punishment itself was not pleasing? More discussions, find the punishments that she likes and blacklist others.
- Perhaps it's even unrelated to the punishment but something else? Maybe she was already angry at him for not washing the dishes earlier today, and the BDSM session and punishment just were the last straw that broke the camel's back?

So there you have it. Ideal course of action is:
- A settlement, apologies, anything to lift her spirits
- An honest discussion, finding out the reasons.
- Deciding on a new course of action.

A good dom should also point out that if something stops being fun - a safeword should be used immediately. Especially if they're new to the scene - they should take baby-steps and sort out each minute problem. But it's important that this is not in any way a shift of blame "You didn't safeword so you shouldn't complain" - is a no-no.

It doesn't matter how hardcore your relationship is. It may be a 24/7 slavery arrangement with very severe control and punishments, and it STILL may result in situations when something went wrong, and the Master should stop being a Dominant and start being a husband in that instance, and figure out what exactly went wrong. I can't stress it enough - the dominant may be in control, but he's responsible for BOTH having their fun. It's just that sometimes Sub's fun is achieved by being put over the knee and spanked until she cries.

Now, you ask about reality?
The reality is - anything could happen. We're all humans and are all flawed. You'd need to think about your character, how much he knows and how insightful he is. The sad truth that often times inexperienced doms will do one of the following:
- Be frustrated by "mixed messages". She wanted this arrangement herself, didn't safeword, and now she's crying and wants me to sleep on the couch, like WTF?!
- Be outright angry with the sub (that's sorta an extension of previous point.
- Be scared and confused, start treating her like she's made of glass, refuse further BDSM sessions, or keep them too mild and boring - without ever figuring out the cause and having a pinpoint fix.
- Disengage from situation, leave the room, leave her alone (before she asks for it), try to forget everything.
- Dismiss her attitude because "the dominant is always right"
- And most importantly: Learn 0 lessons from it and screwing up again next time.

and so on.
So in reality, those things may happen.

Thanks for the reply! I think I can see my characters reactions starting to take shape now!

I should note, in case it's not clear, that being a Dominant doesn't mean never giving your submissive any power or never admitting you were wrong. Doesn't even mean you never let her lead. It's totally fine to make concessions, let her win arguments, and so on and so forth. That doesn't really make one a bad dominant.
But all things are good in a balance.

Also if they are not really hardcore serious about BDSM, and are just testing waters or limiting it to bedroom play - you should think first and foremost what would a good husband do in that situation. Because when it's apparrent that the scene went wrong - such pairs will quickly fall back on their roles of husband-wife, forgetting a Dom-Sub thing. In fact, if a dominant is good, he will never try to dominate his way through a crisis like this. He'll be a partner/husband, not a master when dealing with a situation like you describe.
It takes a lot of experience from one to know when they can keep the Master mask in the face of a dissatisfied partner. I'm sure it works for some, especially those that are into hardcore scene and to whom such outbursts mean that more training is required. And even submissive herself will appreciate him not breaking a role for her. But most people aren't like that.

Might be helpful too just to think of them as people. Because that's all anyone who identifies as anything actually is deep down. How would this person feel if he noticed something was off with his partner? D/s is play. It's a game. And usually if someone isn't enjoying a game you stop and deal with it outside of the game, rather than reacting to it while still maintaining the pretence of a role.

Where does it say the “Dom” is a man?

I’m assuming “Dom” is short for Dominant.

dominant
The person in BDSM who dominates or controls the wordsubmissive/word partner. A dominant can be either a full-time Mistress or Master, or simply a top (the person doing the tying up or whipping, etc.) That’s from the Urban Dictionary.

Why can’t everyone wife be the dominant partner?

If the submissive were my husband...

I’m not big on physical punishment. Ive explained that in the past.

However if I took a punishment too far or if he felt it was undeserved we would need to talk about it.

I would have a bunch of questions for him. I would also answer each of his questions.

It’s happened in the past, early on in this relationship I over reacted, or misunderstood his intentions. It was only through apology and conversation that things got better for both of us.

Haha.. I never thought or said I was an all knowing sort of Dominant.

Lascivity said:

Might be helpful too just to think of them as people. Because that's all anyone who identifies as anything actually is deep down. How would this person feel if he noticed something was off with his partner? D/s is play. It's a game. And usually if someone isn't enjoying a game you stop and deal with it outside of the game, rather than reacting to it while still maintaining the pretence of a role.

Click to expand...

Late on the reply: no... not to everyone. For some, it certainly is. For others it's the framework for the rules of the game. For others still it is very much not a game.

Nezhul's reply is fantastically done.

OP I'd be more comfy addressing in PM than in open forum. I'm also Aspergers, so *high five*. I actually wrote an essay for my Pyl ( Daddy AND Grumps both assigned me the same essay the same day on how Aspergers affects me in relation to how I view D/s. I can ask permission to share it with you if you'd like.)

In the story I'm writing, a married couple have a D/s relationship. In this "episode", rightly or wrongly, the dom punishes the sub for an infraction but instead of a cathartic release, the sub starts to feel resentful and remains sullen through aftercare/refuses aftercare outright (not sure which would be better yet).

What would be a) the ideal reaction from the dom leading to a resolution and b) what would be the realistic reaction from the dom?


The dominant gets pissed off. A sub does not have to like a punishment, but when a punishment is written down for a crime, the sub cannot and has no reason to get bitchy about it.

If they know that they cant eat in bed, and the dominant finds an empty bag of oreos in the sheets. The sub cannot complain at all about the punishment that happens.