Things you NEVER want to hear while having sex

"How do you like my 'hot rod'? Hurt like a bitch when I had flames tattooed onto it."
 
“Every time I look at your face I shit a little. Do you mind wearing a Halloween mask during sex?
 
"I would ask you to stay for the night, but my wife will be getting home soon, and she gets kind of homicidal towards my girlfriends."
 
"My boyfriend called today to tell me that he gave me gonorrhea. So... you might want to see a doctor tomorrow."
 
"Make sure you really clean my cock with your tongue.... yeah just like that. You're blowjob skills are great girl, and your almost as fine as the girl I barebacked in the ass half an hour ago."
 
"I don't need a condom. I bought these male birth control pills on the Internet, and the e-mail message said that they are guaranteed to work. And what's really cool is that they are disguised as a package of Tic-Tacs. I've been using them for two weeks now and I haven't gotten a single girl pregnant."
 
"Hmmm... Well. I guess those aren't too bad looking.... If they are Dollar Store implants!"
 
My body fluids are considered a bio-hazard in 37 countries. But luckily, not in this country.
 
"Okay. I'm done. Now hurry up and go home. I have some strippers coming over in 15 minutes."
 
"You haven't been using that package of expired birth control pills in the cupboard have you?"
 
“Now I remember where I've seen you before. You were on an episode of Jerry Springer where you brought your boyfriend on TV to tell him that you were once a man... Oh shit!”
 
“Sorry when I asked you if you’d be okay playing with dildo`s in bed, I meant knives.”
 
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