Unsent Messages to Him/Her

Reading your posts reminds me much of the first time I fell for a Domme online. I can sympathize and at the same time there is so much I would tell you having been through it... but it's a process.

Know that when you find a mentor of sorts, someone you have a deep connection with, whether or not that relationship ever progresses into real life or makes all your dreams come true, you will be able to say all of this to them and they will accept it as a gift - they will see you for you, mirror you, lead you to your own answers, even if their role is mentor and they are not your "One" in the grand scheme of things. If it is not meant to be, and the Dominant states it as such, you can be fairly sure they mean it - of course this doesn't discount the process of letting go of the focus on them, and accepting their true wishes and actions - claiming your own journey.

The first time you feel a connection to a Dominant with your submissive achings overwhelming you is such an intense time of learning and growing. Just something to keep in mind - it can never be all about you, or all about them in a real relationship, a true connection must be reciprocal - even in having a mentor - give and take. It's so easy for all of us to get caught up in our own feelings, and disregard all actions and words from the other that do not fit into the plan, what we want. It's kind of like falling in love for the first time all over again, but this time in a D/s sense - very inspiring, narcissistic, full of growing pains - kind of like being a teenager again lol.

We go about it in our time, as you are obviously doing, but know that the nurture goes both ways in a D/s relationship - the good "pain" and "torture" in BDSM is not about unreturned love and the anguish of alienation and unfulfilled desire.

I am glad you have a place to express yourself. I know when dealing with your submissive feelings there can be such a desire to be heard, to feel you are not alone and that someone understands and is listening. I think there is also a deep desire to have a mentor - they are out there, but that is a tricky walk in itself - resisting the urge to focus and give all to one who is not yours. You may find that you have to own your submission first, before you can really give it to another - but you are on a familiar path and it's all part of the process. I wish you the best.

[This is to all of you, i'm sorry... don't have much time]


*smiles* thank you~~ the beauty of these very moments are the tiny treasures when seen through the eyes of love bring us our greatest gifts of awareness & growth...

this relationship was the most profound i had ever been in

whether it was the Dom i created based on the initial trust built or the actual wisdom of this Dom, i may never know~~ but as for me, i will continue to believe it was the actual wisdom of the Dom.. believing this makes us both feel uplifted & happy & harms no one.

i wish to be His friend.. i love this man for what He has helped me to be.. whether intentionally or unintentionally.. His involvement in my life has been a life-changing encounter *smiles* ..
..nothing more, nothing less

........and as a matter of fact~~ .. now that "Sir" has unearthed and i polished this beautiful soul.. now that i know this beautiful ALIVE soul, i do believe-- no! i have met a soul-mate! and let me tell you, i've never blushed sooo red before in my life... or *getting flustered* let me just say this:


~~ if you always follow your heart, you will NEVER fail and you will NEVER be sorry!!! ~~~

....and by mentor i did not mean i wanted to be One's submissive... i wanted to be mentored to be a Domme~~

i have since come to the realization (at least right now) that i am not a reluctant Domme but rather a submissive that feels vulnerability and shame when she is aware of judging eyes watching her arousal at the sight of a man's penis or the touch of a man's breast~~... the desire to blindfold her lover --to take control is not really control at all but rather protection from the mirrors of her soul reflecting who she is...

i am submissive~~ this i know

i am love~
i am me and i'm sooo happy~!

love you all~ best wishes & be well

conversations

The withdrawal of Your affection
the rejection of my words
stab me over and over
bleeding wounded hurt
Sir, i know You love me
and i love You
life that happens
in between the distance
that separates us two
is what we have to


*nausea~~ *
i miss You

Sir

i won't hide my feelings
You mean so much to me


Is it possible for two people, a man and a woman, to have a mutual loving friendship? I have grown because of Your minimal, yet powerful presence in my life~~ I am making nothing more out of this and for goodness sakes, I want the entire world to know how You have helped me to be a better person~~~

I would love it if You could appreciate & respect me as a friend that is all I'm seeking....

do You ever make friends online & actually post back & forth to them? why can You not with me?



Why are You afraid to unwilling to acknowledge the depth of love & care I have for You~~ whatever You have told others is surely true... we spoke very seldom if ever... everything I've created out of this was based on the initial trust that we had ..that and the parable...

betrayal of trust~~~ for expressing my appreciation for You and thanking You for helping me to see me...

Not all people are vicious & mean... I am not! perhaps the world is out to get You but my motivation, my intentions are pure... with the love in my heart and the greater meaning to my life You have helped me to see.... I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU

it's not a --whatever

Re: Sir

Minx, I'm thinking that publishing his name online is not a very good way for him to trust you.

Vix, there are few others besides you, He & princess that have any personal interest in this thread~~ you know who I'm speaking of --- i cannot see the rest of the breathing world figuring it out

but your comments surely made some sort of confirmation~
and...

why do you presume I'm trying to gain His trust? *perplexed*

ethereal~minx said:

Vix, there are few others besides you, He & princess that have any personal interest in this thread~~ you know who I'm speaking of --- i cannot see the rest of the breathing world figuring it out

but your comments surely made some sort of confirmation~
and...

why do you presume I'm trying to gain His trust? *perplexed*

Click to expand...

You speak of this Master. And if you wanted him to be your master at any time, trust must be included in that situation. Speaking his name for all the world to see would not be a great way to gain or to keep that trust. It would be more reason for him not to trust you, in this board of anonymity.

And yes, I know who you're speaking of.

trust is NOT the issue

vixenshe said:

You speak of this Master. And if you wanted him to be your master at any time, trust must be included in that situation. Speaking his name for all the world to see would not be a great way to gain or to keep that trust. It would be more reason for him not to trust you, in this board of anonymity.

And yes, I know who you're speaking of.

Click to expand...

I am not asking to be His and if that is what is understood, He is misreading everything I've said to Him~~~
and the motivation for speaking His name I've explained... the trust was damaged a very long time ago between us... on both sides.. this is not an issue of trust

and there are about a million people with that name, no? to tie the two together would be the result of only a few of us.. depending on how many He has told about me.. and jiminy xmas, there is nothing to tell~~ there is nothing between us but a chasm where all my heartfelt thanks fall.. He has made a difference in my life, He knows it yet He will not see it or... rejects it or *shaking her head* .. is resentful ..or I don't know..

I have no alterior motive for my posts.. So long ago when He came into my life I did not know ---------nevermind

I mean no harm and He knows it in His heart


Vixenshe, I don't want to turn this into drama with You~~ obviously He is cared for by more than just me.. I care about Him too, I love Him and our history goes way back... the only history actually is very old~~ my thoughts of what He was to me then, a cherished encounter --that brought me self awareness & growth-- is what has carried me through to where I'm at now

do You know how difficult it is when someone doesn't see the real You? when they believe you are hiding something, or are vicious in your intent ? it is painful to know so much growth & love and never have the person who helped nurture it acknowledge who you have become...

the resentment, the inability to allow love to be felt is a wall that needs to be torn down~~ the light I have found within me, with His help is pure & genuine... drop the ego & feel the feelings Sir
there could be growth for You too

Re: Re: Unsent Messages to Him/Her

lark sparrow said:

If it is not meant to be, and the Dominant states it as such, you can be fairly sure they mean it - of course this doesn't discount the process of letting go of the focus on them, and accepting their true wishes and actions - claiming your own journey.

It's so easy for all of us to get caught up in our own feelings, and disregard all actions and words from the other that do not fit into the plan, what we want.

You may find that you have to own your submission first, before you can really give it to another

Click to expand...

thank you for your insight lark sparrow~~
this relationship, as He has told me, was severed at a very critical point.. the clarity of where both of us were or wished to be or believed was clouded by many many influences~~ there was great confusion on both sides, not just mine... Had i been told long ago that 'it was not meant to be' I certainly would have respected that~~
and I do own my submission

and as for the mentor aspect~~ I meant training me to be Dominant (I obviously do not understand all of this D/s language)...

see this

are You watching?
Every word I speak is true and You know it
I am not malicious in my intent

and I'm not asking to be Yours


and I will go on loving You.......

you probably think this is about You (NOT)

the light has been shown
i'm on the path right now
encounters to be cherished
wonderous joys to be found
each with conviction
entering my life
compassion and love
then saying goodbye
enter another bringing a smile
deeping understanding
meaning self awareness
desire
why does fear have to be shown
are men that far behind
are they afraid of their own shadows
are they afraid of what they might find
do they ever shed their ego
when will i ever shed all of mine
when will i have total compassion
to let others go their own path
why can't he see this love my way
why can't he see the divine
why can't he trust and have faith and no fear
to believe enough to say "she is Mine"

ethereal minx her name
given not too long ago
must have been December
when the Truth revealed it's glow

she found in her the strength
to Trust in her Heart
to release the relentless fear
forcing ego to part

she's impeccable with her word
her motives are all pure
she doesn't make assumptions
of that you can be sure

she won't take it personal
she holds these also up to you
this is all part of learning
this is all to her new

so she was questioning her faith
while she was still questioning you
the fourth time you confused her
Your fear was NOT the Truth

what she realized after the last
when you finally had enough
was that a lesson she had learned
would place her high above
the awareness of others
and just where they are at
the words that they say
could be different than what they said
she would learn of this difference
but it would take time
more than four it would take
to complete this life lesson
it would take six
but the lesson would be learned
and the lesson she would grasp
there would be pain involved
but much less than before
because she had left fear
and gained wisdom through love's door
she will now take this wisdom
and when the third time strikes again
she will listen to her heart
and w/ compassion see in Him
the Heart needs patience
so he can see clearly within
He is blinded by the brightness
the surrounding warmth of white
too close He is to the balance
He's trembling but He feels weak
He doesn't recognize this Love
He's overwhelmed He feels out of sorts
He needs to gain control
He runs again out the door
She may have lost Him this time
she prays it's not to late
She has came on soooo strong
She watches the sky turn gray
She turns it in her mind
She recalls the words he said
She asks him if he's excited
He says it'll all be okay
She wrinkles up her nose
Behind the curtain so he don't see
but what is he thinking
throwing away this love is she
"we just need a break, a little time
is what we need..."
she is silent and confused
nearly unable to breathe
and with her new awareness
she will continue to be strong
she will not pressure Him
to see where His words are wrong
She understands now how he is thinking
how he needs to work this through
it's His own path he is walking
he needs to make his moves
She can be here for him
supportive all the way
Her love with Him always
Unconditional it will stay

i can't seem to find You anywhere
do You realize what You do to me
calling then disappearing
i cannot believe that You are
intentionally hurting me
You have said before you are
vindictive
i know in my Heart You are not
vindictive to me
still the tears fall
where am i
and how come You are not here?

"Happy St. Patricks Day, Sir"
~you too, did you remember your green
"mmmHmm it's wrapped around my long, slender [great for grasping] supple neck"
~right on!!!!

"igniting nether embers
building to flame
warmth throughout
whispering Your name"


building anticipation & hunger
there is magic in the air
I taste Him on my lips
Catch a glance here & there

minx, did you find a new One, or are you writing to the same person? if so, did something good happen between you, that you've reconciled?

vixenshe said:

minx, did you find a new One, or are you writing to the same person? if so, did something good happen between you, that you've reconciled?

Click to expand...

vix, there are a few entries here that are not of the same person... I did not find a new "One" per se, the person I write about is not a "Dom" as one would think.... and He is someone I know in real/time/life : ) who has innate capabilities of 'mastering' me in a truly fulfilling, most empowering way... yet at the same time is capable of bringing out the "Mistress" in me... we are a yin/yang balance if we can work through the ego-fear triggers this intimacy has brought to the surface

Unfortunately, Sir is unresponsive to my attempts at reviving our friendship : ( ....so no, something good has not happened between He & I.

shameful rouge
exposing fear
fear that ohhhh
of the unknown
pulse quickens
pain begins
look inside
faith within
too busy for a moment of time
i understand i am blind
heart knows not why
practical mind
logic pervades
fears bind
tables turning
black widow He
venomous bite
torments she
now afraid
last nights dream
spider crawling
above the knee
to its kill
up the thigh
she struggles to free
the fear strikes
no longer a dream
the spider is real
it's venomous bite
no longer concealed
to perceive the light
its clouded in darkness
stormy and wet
perfect for spider
to get and to get
feeding off warmth
will she regret
providing a sacred place
for the spider to forget

I watch you drive away
You & Adam for the park
how could you care so little
even if only for a friend?

after all that you said
having children, beasts
living in harmony w/ the Earth
our values, matching beliefs

how could it change so suddenly
to go from friend to foe
where did what go wrong
will you let me know

you say you want someone else
in the same breath you say we need time
what exactly do you mean?
what am I not reading between the lines

you say if it comes back to you it was yours
but why do we have to part
why did you stop the joy we feel
why did you do this to my heart?

Thoughts of You
Please help me—Please
be the EARTH for me
i will be Your SUN~~
We’ll shine for all to see

yes, I needed a response this-morning from at least one of you~~ thanks for responding . 'like a moth to a flame burned by the fire...' I'm not really a masochist, why do I continue in situations where there is nothing for me? not even kindness... disinterest/detachment is well.. I guess could be attractive to the masochist for a period of time as long as it's balanced with affection/attention FRIENDLINESS.. which I find on rare occasions ..the agony is endured but can only be until it becomes damaging.. and it's so easy to be friendly. a simple good morning, a genuine smile at seeing someone, ...i suppose I ask too much. why in the fuck would a friend reveal a bit of vulnerability to say something nice to another? omg, they may get hurt.
I'm fine really. a little fiesty and really no one to talk about it to because generally I find the other people I do speak with believe I'm wrong in the first place so there is no understanding, compassion, friendliness... yes, I'm sad.. a little ego-driven today,
a knowing look and a touching embrace could do wonders without having to hear or say anything but you know... god don't reach out and show anyone affection because! they may think it's a fucking relationship or something... thanks for listening.

FILLY:
my last suggestion and perhaps THE most important~
her owner must inform her of his TRUE intentions~

remember~ animals sense discord, disharmony...
they trust authenticity and see it with CLARITY


OWNER:
Sounds great!!!


FILLY:
yes, she does come with explicit instructions ~~
it appears that is appreciated,
my suggestion, assuming the desire to keep her,
READ these (specific to HER well-being)instructions..
become familiar with her needs
she is like NO OTHER
there will never be another like her
there never has been!

if there is growth and beauty & joy & pleasure & happiness
mutual fulfillment is certain

OWNER:
Wow she even comes with instructions this is great!!!


FILLY:
this fiesty-filly is unwell,

general disinterest (in her well-being)
& detachment (lack of emotion/feeling)has
left her needing a strong balance
of affection/interest if there is to
be further use

her wish is only to please her owner
yet use cannot go on without proper care



OWNER:
I was in a meeting you lighten up, or satle up.

Go!!! that's not hard to read. For once you've said something that actually has meaning. the only thing bad about this is losing friendships but of course, the 'friendship' that I perceived must have been a lie as well as everything else. You know , the dogma that you live by, this 'protecting yourself bs' persecutes those which you fear as well as YOU yourself. While you judge, lest you be judged. While you are so afraid of getting hurt, sitting there in judgement of other's motives, You sit there yourself treating those you might otherwise care about just the way you wish NOT to be treated...... I have another thing to say , for your future growth, you might rethink your judgements of others especially in regards to your daughter. do you really expect her to keep the love/innocence in her heart while you fiercely protect your own? Do you see how she is around me? do you know you have responsibility to her in regards to personal relationships? ohhhh, protect yourself --- you are so vulnerable and all women are out to get you, namely me! jesus christ, the friendship I give you should be cherished... take a flippin look in the mirror sometime ... you said it yourself, 'sometimes it helps to see myself through other's eyes' well, take your own advice and SEE the conflict YOU CREATE!!!!! don't project that BS onto your child. she doesn't need to protect herself from me or as;lidhf;l kavsjdvf;ioahsd;ofijha;sodijf;aosijdfsandf

While you judge, lest you be judged. while you lock someone behind bars of judgement, You are also there with them holding yourself in judgement.... making sure they don't get out~~

I don't think you realize, or maybe you do, how your attitude impacts others~~ we both feel that we are giving, obviously it's not in a way that is condusive (sp) to a compatability but it can be... but it does take seeing things a little differently, perhaps from the other's side.

your judgement of me hurts my feelings deeply and what hurts the worst is you are unwilling to look at the conflict differently to change the situation. you feel you have not been heard, so do I. to just leave is one way to deal, but that way there is no growth.... I don't want to feel like you don't give a shit and I don't want you to judge me ... time will not heal ..obviously it hasn't... this conflict continues as you have said.

I wish to deal with it.. but for any friendship, it takes two.

sexual lovers and good friends know that the most compelling relationships demand hard work, patience, and a willingness to endure tensions and anxiety in creating mutually empowering bonds.For this reason loving involves commitment. We are not automatic lovers of self, others, world, or God. Love does not just happen. We are not love machines, puppets on the strings of a deity called "love." Love is a choice -not simply, or necessarily, a rational choice, but rather a willingness to be present to others without pretense or guile. Love is a conversion to humanity - a willingness to participate with others in the healing of a broken world and broken lives. Love is the choice to experience life as a member of the human family, a partner in the dance of life, rather than as an alien in the world or as a deity above the world, aloof and apart from human flesh