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The Heart Of A Harley

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic................................

'Try doing it with the engine running.'
 
Local Bar Sues Local Church:

Local Bar Sues Local Church:

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern
started a building to open up their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions
and prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed, however right up till the week
before opening, when lightning struck the bar
and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook
after that, till the bar owner sued the church on
the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the demise of his building, either
through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility
or any connection to the building's demise
in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court,
the judge looked over the paperwork.

At the hearing he commented,

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this,
but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes
in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't." :eek:
 
Vacation

I'm going on vacation for a week. Please keep submitting your jokes and humor while I'm gone.
Thank you
DG
 
awww... have fun, DG. We'll miss you.

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
 
Pastor's New Teeth

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up. '
 
A man wants to buy some farm animals so he goes over to a store and asks the clerk for a rooster.
The clerk gives him the rooster and tells him that they call roosters cocks around here and that you should pull their head when they get noisy.

The man says O. K and asks for a donkey.

The clerk gives the man the donkey but tells the guy that they call donkeys asses around here and that you scratch them when they get noisy.

The man says fine and stars walking home.

Half way there the animals get real noisy and the man has his hands full. So he runs over to two people walking by and says "Quick hold my cock and pull it while I scratch my ass."
 
SUNDAY MORNING SEX


I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, Her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love
On Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear", replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
TWENTY-SIX LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE


1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal (not legal) to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 ..Procrastinate Now!

19.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

20.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

21.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

22.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

23.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

24.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

25..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

26.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Life is too short and friends are too few
 
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


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Can you cry under water?


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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


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What disease did cured ham actually have?


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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.


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Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!


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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
 
Kitten From Heaven

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'
She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
 
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up toward him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain and ended up in hodpital. The police asked him what happend. The guy says, "I dont know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know im here" The police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do to that man?" After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire
 
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids
already, three who were deaf, two who were blind,
one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the
response for this one.


Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only
your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three
candidates.

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also
chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of
whiskey every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never
cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the
response.













Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion
question: If you said YES, you just killed
Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think
before judging someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Ke ep
reading..

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company
that has a little more than 500 employees and has
the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at
least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the
last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
 
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a
few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a
word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were
screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was
very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she
was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh
Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with
me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No,"
he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell
was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yank! ed down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people
nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
 
Thye Walk Among Us............

So I was calling to order a pizza ,with the menu in
hand, i order a large pizza with ground beef, bacon,
and extra cheese and the girl on the phone says "oh
I'm sorry we don't have any ground beef" so i say "but
here on the menu it says you have hamburger" and she
responds "Oh well we have hamburger!" So i said ok
I'll take the hamburger instead of the ground beef
then. She says no problem! ...They Walk Among Us
====================
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get
rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and
hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want
it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He
eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he
changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The
next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among
Us
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real
estate agent which direction was north because, he
explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and
said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk
Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call
center. One day I got a call from an individual who
asked what hours the call center was open. I told him,
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or
Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I
said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our
cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative
assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her
weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving". . They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets
trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among
Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that
the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big
party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk
Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time
she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which
way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told
the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now,"
she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"... They
Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone
and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk
Among Us, too.
 
Wo is Jack Schitt?



The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a lose for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".

Read on & you will be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt & O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt Married Noe Schitt, & the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, & the twins Deap Schitt & Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt Married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack Schitt & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, & out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, & became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt & Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood, subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, & Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
 
Softball

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their
lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our
lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor:
when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's
soft-ball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, 'Barb, you've been my
best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor
for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by
a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb,
Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you , it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad
news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better
yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than
that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And
best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is short...
So Remember to Live Well & Laugh Often!
 
fail-owned-radio-fail.jpg



How did we miss this little news item? :catgrin:

fail-owned-extermination-fail.jpg
 
Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"; offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY (First paragraph by Rebecca):

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma would act up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary):

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator; "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Third paragraph by Rebecca):

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterward, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities toward the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel" Laurie read in her newspaper the next morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Fourth paragraph by Gary):

Little did she know, she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explo! sion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca):

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary):

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA?? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca):

Asshole!

(Gary):

Bitch!

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary):

In your dreams Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER):

A+ - I really liked this one
 
Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"; offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY (First paragraph by Rebecca):

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma would act up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary):

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator; "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Third paragraph by Rebecca):

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterward, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities toward the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel" Laurie read in her newspaper the next morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Fourth paragraph by Gary):

Little did she know, she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explo! sion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca):

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary):

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA?? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca):

Asshole!

(Gary):

Bitch!

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary):

In your dreams Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER):

A+ - I really liked this one

Wonderfully true!
 
A blonde returns home to find her house burglarized and a number of valuable items gone.

She calls 911 and patrol cars are dispatched to her location.

The first to arrive is a K-9 unit. The officer and his dog come up the walk as the blonde stands in the doorway.

"Oh phooey," she says angrily. "All my stuff's been stolen and they send a blind poiceman."
 
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
 
~ EVE GETS LONELY ~





One day in the garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."



The Lord replied, "what's the problem, Eve?"



Eve complains, "Lord, I really am grateful that you created me and have given me this lovely garden to live in with all these nice creatures, even that bothersome snake who annoys me to no end. But I have to say, Lord, that I'm just not happy."



"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.



"Well", replied Eve, "I'm very lonely and I'm sick to death of apples, too."



The Lord said, "In that case, dear, I shall create a man for you."



"What's a MAN, Lord?" Eve asked.



"Well," the Lord replied, "Man is a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and the inability to empathsize with you or listen to you properly.



All in all, he'll give you a very hard time. He will be bigger and more muscular than you although his brain capacity will be much smaller than yours and he will enjoy silly games and copious amounts of beer."



"Sounds great," Eve replied sarcasticly.



"I know," the Lord said, "you can have him on one condition, though."



"What's that?" Eve asked.



The Lord grinned and said, "you have to let him believe that I made him first."
 
There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time
of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into
an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but
our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using
every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns
his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely
breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the
sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-
mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks
up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the
matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is
there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on
my shirt?"

"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt
and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she
says.

"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache
on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of
the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets
off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the
island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the
shoulders, and says,

"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"
 
"Hello?" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn." the male voice whispered.

"Scheesch! You're good." she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hello's?"
 
Important message about getting old.....
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Oh shit.... I forgot what I was going to tell you!
 
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