Advice? (update)
EDIT/UPDATE: As of last night... We've talked a lot and have decided we're taking a break for a while to have some space and time to figure out our own stuff. And actually, we've been getting along better all day than we have for the last few months! As of right now, we're still living together for a while until we can afford to go our separate ways, still sharing a bed and being affectionate with each other, and everything is surprisingly comfortable... it's so so much less stressful! It's unconventional I guess, but it seems to be working well for us so far. I'm a little sad but mostly relieved, and he seems to be feeling the same... he actually said today that he was content for the first time in a really long time, like a weight had been lifted. All the built up tension and stress is gone and we still care a lot about each other.
Thanks everyone for your advice, it was all a lot of help, and I am still making him get checked out medically and whatnot.
I'm single for the first time in 7 years, and there is so much that I want to experience, and now I don't have to feel guilty for wanting that. I'm a little terrified, but mostly just really excited for the potential of the future!
-KR
Hi all!
Long time lurker, figured I'd finally make an account to try to get some advice from people who are a bit more sexual and anonymous than my friends lol. Dunno if this is the right place to post this, but there is an aspect of kink/fetish to the story, and it didn't seem to fit anywhere else?
So, here is the basic situation: I am 26, my boyfriend is 35. We've been together for 5 years, we live together, share finances, etc. etc. (aka are practically married). I love this guy a lot and he is very good to me. Our relationship is almost perfect BUT... I have a super high sex drive and he has a combo of a super low libido and problems with PE. We have sex an average of once every 3 months or so, it lasts less than 2 minutes, and he winds up apologizing and feeling like shit, despite my constant reassurances and telling him that I enjoy sex with him even if I don't have an orgasm.
This is something we've talked about over the years, but he's embarrassed and resistant to go to the doctor and see if there is any kind of physical fix... he pretty much assumes that he's broken and nothing will help, or that it's all in his head because of some bad sexual experiences with mean girls when he was young, and I think he'd rather go on the way things are than go to a doctor and find out there is something seriously wrong or that he is unfixable, whatever. So basically he just blows it off. I have tried nagging, I've tried leaving him alone, I've tried just being encouraging, I've tried presenting him with research and advice for people with PE, nothing works. Recently it's gotten to the point where I'm so frustrated with the situation that I have taken off the kid gloves and just flat out told him how much the whole thing bugs me. As much as I try to play it off like it's not important because I don't want to hurt his feelings, we need to find SOME solution to this issue because I'm going insane.
I'm not a cheater, and I don't want to betray him in any way. I truly love him and can't imagine not being with him. But I need some kind of outlet. I masturbate a LOT, but that isn't cutting it anymore, and I really am craving penetration. I would love to fuck other people if he would give me permission to do so, but he's really vanilla and I don't think that is something he could ever be comfortable with (though I have brought it up in conversation to kind of put that idea in his head and see what he thinks, but he is not super talkative when we have these conversations, he just "absorbs what I'm saying" and makes non-committal noises, so it's hard to tell what he's thinking). I identify as bi even though I haven't had experience with a girl, and I think he would be okay with me having a girlfriend, but that isn't really what I want right now, I'm needing penis! I have been trying to explore other outlets to keep myself somewhat satisfied, but it's not the same.
(I also told him the other day that if we were to have just started dating right now I would want to be in an open relationship, and that I feel like I'm missing out on being in my 20s because I settled down so early. And if it is helpful information, I just finally got put on some meds for depression and social anxiety, so I'm feeling a lot more independent lately and wanting to be stupid and experiment and do all the things that I used to be afraid of. Not feeling reckless or risk-taking, just the things I feel like I missed by being a codependent hermit for the past however many years)
So, shy of being in a state of constant state of sexual frustration, cheating on him, or the unlikely scenario that he decides to let me sleep with other people... Any suggestions? I want us both to be happy and it seems like we're at a standstill. Thanks for any input! ^_^
EDIT/UPDATE: As of last night... We've talked a lot and have decided we're taking a break for a while to have some space and time to figure out our own stuff. And actually, we've been getting along better all day than we have for the last few months! As of right now, we're still living together for a while until we can afford to go our separate ways, still sharing a bed and being affectionate with each other, and everything is surprisingly comfortable... it's so so much less stressful! It's unconventional I guess, but it seems to be working well for us so far. I'm a little sad but mostly relieved, and he seems to be feeling the same... he actually said today that he was content for the first time in a really long time, like a weight had been lifted. All the built up tension and stress is gone and we still care a lot about each other.
Thanks everyone for your advice, it was all a lot of help, and I am still making him get checked out medically and whatnot.
I'm single for the first time in 7 years, and there is so much that I want to experience, and now I don't have to feel guilty for wanting that. I'm a little terrified, but mostly just really excited for the potential of the future!
-KR
Hi all!
Long time lurker, figured I'd finally make an account to try to get some advice from people who are a bit more sexual and anonymous than my friends lol. Dunno if this is the right place to post this, but there is an aspect of kink/fetish to the story, and it didn't seem to fit anywhere else?
So, here is the basic situation: I am 26, my boyfriend is 35. We've been together for 5 years, we live together, share finances, etc. etc. (aka are practically married). I love this guy a lot and he is very good to me. Our relationship is almost perfect BUT... I have a super high sex drive and he has a combo of a super low libido and problems with PE. We have sex an average of once every 3 months or so, it lasts less than 2 minutes, and he winds up apologizing and feeling like shit, despite my constant reassurances and telling him that I enjoy sex with him even if I don't have an orgasm.
This is something we've talked about over the years, but he's embarrassed and resistant to go to the doctor and see if there is any kind of physical fix... he pretty much assumes that he's broken and nothing will help, or that it's all in his head because of some bad sexual experiences with mean girls when he was young, and I think he'd rather go on the way things are than go to a doctor and find out there is something seriously wrong or that he is unfixable, whatever. So basically he just blows it off. I have tried nagging, I've tried leaving him alone, I've tried just being encouraging, I've tried presenting him with research and advice for people with PE, nothing works. Recently it's gotten to the point where I'm so frustrated with the situation that I have taken off the kid gloves and just flat out told him how much the whole thing bugs me. As much as I try to play it off like it's not important because I don't want to hurt his feelings, we need to find SOME solution to this issue because I'm going insane.
I'm not a cheater, and I don't want to betray him in any way. I truly love him and can't imagine not being with him. But I need some kind of outlet. I masturbate a LOT, but that isn't cutting it anymore, and I really am craving penetration. I would love to fuck other people if he would give me permission to do so, but he's really vanilla and I don't think that is something he could ever be comfortable with (though I have brought it up in conversation to kind of put that idea in his head and see what he thinks, but he is not super talkative when we have these conversations, he just "absorbs what I'm saying" and makes non-committal noises, so it's hard to tell what he's thinking). I identify as bi even though I haven't had experience with a girl, and I think he would be okay with me having a girlfriend, but that isn't really what I want right now, I'm needing penis! I have been trying to explore other outlets to keep myself somewhat satisfied, but it's not the same.
(I also told him the other day that if we were to have just started dating right now I would want to be in an open relationship, and that I feel like I'm missing out on being in my 20s because I settled down so early. And if it is helpful information, I just finally got put on some meds for depression and social anxiety, so I'm feeling a lot more independent lately and wanting to be stupid and experiment and do all the things that I used to be afraid of. Not feeling reckless or risk-taking, just the things I feel like I missed by being a codependent hermit for the past however many years)
So, shy of being in a state of constant state of sexual frustration, cheating on him, or the unlikely scenario that he decides to let me sleep with other people... Any suggestions? I want us both to be happy and it seems like we're at a standstill. Thanks for any input! ^_^
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