Erotica for woman - a woman's perspective.

Story deleted

Well I read the story and I'm not sure what to make of it.

First off -- mechanics. If you could get someone else to look it over, I think that would help. There were punctuation errors and other things, such as one of the women wearing "4 inch heals," which should be "heels." You should spell your numbers out. Valerie is five-foot-four; Elaine is thirty-three and went to college at fourteen, et cetera.

Second, as someone mentioned in the comments, there is no context here. I realize you were trying to start right in the middle of things, but I found the whole thing ridiculous. Why did Elaine, for example, with all her stuff behind her, just fold in front of Valerie? (Maybe it's all a set up, as you hint at, but right now it makes no sense.) The "power move" with the handshake also seemed silly to me, to be honest, although I suppose I'm simply not attuned to such things.

As for a female perspective. Well, I'm female, and can give you *my* perspective, but other women will have their own.

Personally, this did nothing for me and read like a dude's fantasy. Beautiful woman walks into the room, dominates another beautiful woman and then -- whoa! -- offers herself, and the other woman, up as a whore. Personally, and I only mean personally, I find nothing arousing or exciting about the set up. There's no one I can particularly relate to or sympathize with, or even be mad at. Nor do I want to envision myself in the place of any of the characters.

Not sure what else I can say here. It was reasonably well-written and paced, although there were a lot of mechanical errors that should be fixed. Some people will enjoy this kind of inverted-power fantasy, but I'm not one of them.

I looked for a hook in vain.

I guarantee you your female audience will be small. Though i am a man and perhaps should not speak for women, I feel this story lacks all the elements women love. Make a woman feel wonderful, loved, cherished, protected, repected, honored; then she'll feel sexy. Just toss some random sex out there, uh uh. I am a horn dog and your story didn't even make ME hard!

robertreams said:

I guarantee you your female audience will be small. Though i am a man and perhaps should not speak for women, I feel this story lacks all the elements women love. Make a woman feel wonderful, loved, cherished, protected, repected, honored; then she'll feel sexy. Just toss some random sex out there, uh uh. I am a horn dog and your story didn't even make ME hard!

Click to expand...

It lacks the elements *some* women love. Like I said, and I am a woman, I didn't care for it, but there are women out there who *do* like that kind of thing, have power trip or slut/whore fantasies or whatever. Plenty of women have rape/ravishment fantasies, BDSM fantasies, etc.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll rethink and reset to make it less raw. I agree, the characters should be far more interesting then the situation. It has distracted from the overall line, aka I misses it.

Female reader here...

...you would have lost me halfway through the first page if I'd come across your story on my own. But you asked for feedback, so I kept reading.

Good:

You set the scene of opulence and power at the VC firm very well, though it seemed you weren't confident enough to show me that as a reader. Instead you showed me, told me, and showed me again. Your detail work with them having a waiting room with a barista making complementary drinks is good enough to carry how much bank they're making. You don't have to also say that they do.

You do a good job of showing Valerie as a character who's very cool and confident, so it creates interest in seeing what she's up to in the beginning of the story.


Generally Bad:

You were sorely in need of a copy editor or a finer-toothed comb going through your own draft. I'm not the type to dry up at a comma splice, but you had enough real punctuation and word usage problems that it took me out of imagining the scene.

You set up, at great length, two smart female characters and then turned them nearly immediately into mindless sex objects. While that can be hot under the right circumstances, you really missed the mark with me there.

Inconsistent characterization of your lead. If she's supposed to be the one in charge in the beginning and definitely by the end, having her turn into a begging sex-kitten in the middle just because a dick's inside her is really jarring.

The blackmail ending makes no sense if everyone in the building has just seen Elaine walk naked and covered with cum from his office through the lobby and seen him standing there with Valerie naked beside him when the door was open. Cameras are going to show him repeatedly attempting to throw her out of the room and telling her to stop.

Woman-Specific Bad:

Your protagonist is dressed like a stripper. Not an off-duty one going to apply for a mortgage refinance, but one who's getting ready to jump on stage when "Hot for Teacher" cycles up. Also, here is the general cleavage equation for C-cup breasts:

natural breasts + bra = cleavage
enhanced breasts + bra = cleavage
enhanced breasts - bra = cleavage
natural breasts - bra = sternum

"puffed up round one-inch areolae" - If you mean to say her areola are each an inch in diameter, that's really tiny.

"A light red sex flush ran across her upper chest..." - A...what? I'm a pale-skinned white lady and I can't say I've ever experienced that as a sign of arousal.

"Her smooth sex mound was red with blood and arousal..." - Her *pubic mound* is red with blood? That's definitely not how that works.

"bleached asshole" - Yeeeeee-ikes. Now I'm thinking about how that must have burned, not how hot she looks.

"she squirted her lust out all over Richard's desk. Elaine, kept spraying..." - That's not how squirting works, either. If she was actually urinating instead, perhaps.

"Yes, ma'am. I understand. I'm to make his wife come, even if I have to rape her." said Elaine" - I like both Non-Con and, specifically, female-female Non-Con, and even *I* thought that was gross.


So, here's my suggestion, looking at the whole thing. You have a longer plot arc in mind, otherwise it wouldn't be in Novels/Novellas, and the plot itself, taking over a major venture capital firm through sex, intimidation, and blackmail is a *fantastic* one that I would read. Before you work on additional chapters, I'd recommend you find an editor and a couple of readers, at least one of whom is female, and rework the first chapter from the ground up.

stlgoddessfreya,

Wow, that was great feedback. Really helpful. Thank you.