How do I let her know...

that I know she's cheating without causing WWIII?

First; Do you mind if she is cheating?
Best to have a talk and indicate that if she had outside sex it would not matter then see if she cums clean. You may have to do a talk several times before she believes you.

You scared of causing ww3 is a sign to me you have accepted it . It’s up to you how you deal with yourself I think.
Good lick

Waaaay too much missing information.

What are the dynamics of your relationship? As in... Are you two married? Exclusive?

Do you want her to be only with you?

Do you care if she cheats?

Do you want her to be with the other person instead of you?

Does she blow up easily?

I am thinking of an old movie. Can't remember the name. Elliot Gould admits to his wife that he cheated on her and she flipping blew up at him. Not the same thing, I know because he at least admitted to the cheating. I always give people credit for being honest, even if it's something I don't want to hear,

One thing you need to realize is that cheating is often not about the sex but about a lack otherwise in the relationship. Often a lack of communication. Or at least a perceived lack of communication on the other person's part. Or perhaps they felt in some way that an affair would be a good way to bolster self esteem. Messed up, I know.

My ex husband was likely cheating on me from the start of our marriage. He only married me because he wanted someone to cook and clean and wait on him hand and foot when he was at home, which wasn't often. He also wrongly assumed that my writing would be the gold ticket and I would make millions for him.

In my case, I did let him know that I knew he was cheating. Again and again! I had so much proof. My friends and family knew too. Some of them presented the evidence to him. He just shrugged it off and called us all crazy. Tried to gas light us.

But you see... I didn't get angry. Yeah, I disliked the lying and cover ups. But the way I see it, if a person doesn't want to be with me, then they should be with who they want to be with. But... Don't hold ME hostage and make it impossible for me to get out of the relationship. I deserve to be happy too. He wouldn't let me out though. Just kept making threats of what he would do to me if I left or tried to leave and hoarded all the money so I couldn't get a lawyer. Then for whatever reason, HE filed for divorce after 22 years. And now he has admitted to our daughter in a laughing manner, that he was in fact cheating on me the entire time. So that kind of crap doesn't make me happy either.

Why do people play games like this? I'll never know. Sooo messed up.

I guess in your case, bottom line is... Do you really want to be in a relationship with a person who will blow up at you for whatever reason? And worse still blow up at you for making her confront the truth? I wouldn't.

For me, stuff like this is something that you should be able to talk about. Cheating doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. For me, ending a relationship could come about because the other person is flat out unwilling to be honest, unwilling to work on better communication and unwilling to work on making the relationship better.

Think about that stuff. Then tell her that you know and/or what you know. Try not to say it in an angry fashion. Try to listen to what she has to say. And go from there. To me this is something that should bring about a discussion. Not a fight. But some people just love to fight.

Good luck!

I agree with previous posters. If you are afraid of a scandal, then this means that you've accepted it. This means that causing "WWIII" is more important to you than accusing her.

You need to ask yourself several questions.

1) Are you totally, 100%, with solid-steel evidence sure that she has cheated? Or is it more of a suspicion with no hard evidence?

2) Do you even WANT to bring that up? What are your goals with that talk? Do you hope to ensure she doesn't do tat again, or do you simply feel like you're obligated to talk about things like that?

3) Why do you feel it will cause WW3? On your part, are you afraid that you're gonna lose your temper? Or do you think that SHE is going to go off the rails? Does she have any real ground for doing so? Because she might, so I'm just saying.

4) Have you considered bringing it to an open relationship? Perhaps it is important to her to have outside relationships, or perhaps you for any reason cannot really perform your husbandry duty? Maybe you should have a talk with a goal of establishing that she can see other men as long as she's honest with you? You can frame it up as your relationship and family is more important to you than cheating itself.

5) Also, you are yourself in your signature state that you are looking for FWB. It kinda makes her "cheating" excusable, don't you think? You are at least on equal grounds.

Cheating

I guess the answere depends how feel about it if Your OK with .

If are tell her that and maybe ask if can watch !

If not have lawyer on speed dial

What others have said...

1. Having proof will avoid WWIII. If she still blows up when she sees the proof, then what would be your next move? Divorce? Separation? Kicking her out? Explaining to her you're okay with her cheating and just want to join in or watch?

2. Depending on answers to #1, prepare to see lawyer, kick her out, etc.

3. Good luck.

Just an aside, I caught my wife cheating. She was on the phone with him talking dirty, when I picked up an extension. Way before cell phones. I walked into the room she was in, took the phone away from her and hung up. We then had a nice talk where I told her to stop or we would be divorced for a second time. When the phone rang I let her pick it up. She told the guy to stop call her and she never wanted to see him again.

Did she ever cheat on me again? I don't think so. I did check up on her a lot after that. Never found out anything.

Thank you everyone that took the time to give such thoughtful suggestions. I am still weighing the options. My mind has been very busy trying to travel every path and forks in the roads.

If you really care for her..I would address it...on the flip side don’t address it...it may stop or not..in the mean time don’t go crazy and get in legal troubles...like I did...years ago..nobody is worth that trouble...if it’s a relationship...say bye-bye..if it’s a marriage...get a lawyer...been there done that!!!

Crownvic said:

If you really care for her..I would address it...on the flip side don’t address it...it may stop or not..in the mean time don’t go crazy and get in legal troubles...like I did...years ago..nobody is worth that trouble...if it’s a relationship...say bye-bye..if it’s a marriage...get a lawyer...been there done that!!!

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Soon to be 37 years of marriage is a long time to throw away.

Do you have enough information to know specifically when she will be cheating?

Say she's leaving the house on Saturday to visit the gym, and you're 98% certain she's actually headed for a tryst. As she's going out the door, look her square in the eye and say, "Please don't go." Similar opportunity if you call her at work just before she takes off for 'lunch' with him or 'drinks' after work.

Your message is that you know what's going on and she needs to make a decision.

If she's intent on meeting him, she'll keep walking and you've avoided a direct confrontation and started a short cooling off period. If she starts yelling when she gets home, it wasn't you that started the fight by throwing it in her face.

If she turns around, you've got an implicit confession AND chance to avoid a direct confrontation. Avoid following up with "Busted, you whore!" or other accusation. Instead, ask her to take some positive action like, "Would you be willing to work on our relationship with a counselor?"

Of course she may believe "offense is the best defense", and you should refuse to fight. Anytime she starts yelling, turn around and walk away no matter how much anger you've got inside.

Keep cool, and stick to your plan with what ever option you choose from the decision tree you've been building in your head. And if the plan requires you to take some action (e.g. lawyer, bank account, etc.) do them before you let her know she's crossed your line.

ReadyOne said:

Do you have enough information to know specifically when she will be cheating?

Say she's leaving the house on Saturday to visit the gym, and you're 98% certain she's actually headed for a tryst. As she's going out the door, look her square in the eye and say, "Please don't go." Similar opportunity if you call her at work just before she takes off for 'lunch' with him or 'drinks' after work.

Your message is that you know what's going on and she needs to make a decision.

If she's intent on meeting him, she'll keep walking and you've avoided a direct confrontation and started a short cooling off period. If she starts yelling when she gets home, it wasn't you that started the fight by throwing it in her face.

If she turns around, you've got an implicit confession AND chance to avoid a direct confrontation. Avoid following up with "Busted, you whore!" or other accusation. Instead, ask her to take some positive action like, "Would you be willing to work on our relationship with a counselor?"

Of course she may believe "offense is the best defense", and you should refuse to fight. Anytime she starts yelling, turn around and walk away no matter how much anger you've got inside.

Keep cool, and stick to your plan with what ever option you choose from the decision tree you've been building in your head. And if the plan requires you to take some action (e.g. lawyer, bank account, etc.) do them before you let her know she's crossed your line.

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Very good points. My goal through all of this has been to remain calm. When I worked, I was in management wherever I was employed. During my most productive years I was sought out by employers that had fallen into problems with personnel. I was the guy brought in that everyone hated. When I walked in the door, my recommendations soon led to someone going home. I've had to come to the realization in recent years that I can't solve everything. That complete mind makeover has been shattering to me. For the first time in a lot of years, I don't have a plan.

DiscoveringUtopia said:

Soon to be 37 years of marriage is a long time to throw away.

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Life goes on baby....sometimes you get challenged...does matter how many years..

ReadyOne said:

Instead, ask her to take some positive action like, "Would you be willing to work on our relationship with a counselor?"

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Also, you don't even have to establish the cheating before you say this.

If both of you are okay with either of you having sex anywhere, it's not cheating.

If you thought you had an agreement not to have outside sex, it's cheating.

A cheater is not likely to stop cheating. Are you okay with that?

Who finances your marriage? Do you pay for cheating?

Are you invited to three-ways? Would you accept?

More in What is Cheating?

Random Thoughs

DiscoveringUtopia said:

Very good points. My goal through all of this has been to remain calm. When I worked, I was in management wherever I was employed. During my most productive years I was sought out by employers that had fallen into problems with personnel. I was the guy brought in that everyone hated. When I walked in the door, my recommendations soon led to someone going home. I've had to come to the realization in recent years that I can't solve everything. That complete mind makeover has been shattering to me. For the first time in a lot of years, I don't have a plan.

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• Demand civility. Always. Immediately stop when it stops, and walk away after noting the violation.
• Sometimes a speaking token helps. You can only talk when you are holding the token, and you pass it to the next speaker when are you finished.
• It's OK to call a break while you step outside into the stairwell and scream your lungs out. Got to route the frustration and anger away from the people at the meeting.
• Never use logic in an emotional argument. It's like a knife at a gun fight.

ReadyOne said:

• Demand civility. Always. Immediately stop when it stops, and walk away after noting the violation.
• Sometimes a speaking token helps. You can only talk when you are holding the token, and you pass it to the next speaker when are you finished.
• It's OK to call a break while you step outside into the stairwell and scream your lungs out. Got to route the frustration and anger away from the people at the meeting.
• Never use logic in an emotional argument. It's like a knife at a gun fight.

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Demand civility. Hmmmm is that like military intelligence? or jumbo shrimp?

DiscoveringUtopia said:

Demand civility. Hmmmm is that like military intelligence? or jumbo shrimp?

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Heh. You can demand whatever you want. Demands don't go over well with most people though.

Jada59 said:

Heh. You can demand whatever you want. Demands don't go over well with most people though.

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Wasn't me saying that... I was quoting. I basically stopped reading once those two words appeared.

DiscoveringUtopia said:

Wasn't me saying that... I was quoting. I basically stopped reading once those two words appeared.

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I know. Ha.

Civility

From the Bing (Microsoft Search Engine):

ci·vil·i·ty
[səˈvilədē]
NOUN

formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech.

"I hope we can treat each other with civility and respect"​

synonyms:

courtesy · courteousness · politeness · good manners · mannerliness · gentlemanliness · chivalry · gallantry · graciousness · consideration · respect · gentility · urbanity​

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An interesting essay on the subject: Can Civility in Society Be Regained? It begins...

Causes of the the Decline of Civility in America

We’ve all personally experienced it – rudeness and discourteous behavior of others. It might be uncivil behavior in everyday life, such as using crude language, cutting in line, and road rage on the highway. Maybe it relates to a workplace situation: other people not listening to what we say, interrupting us, or having side conversations during our presentation. It some cases it is personal, such as insults, personal attacks, and emotional put-downs. It may even be taken to an extreme with harmful consequences to one’s personal self-esteem. This includes ranting against us on social media and cyberbullying.

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ReadyOne said:

From the Bing (Microsoft Search Engine):
An interesting essay on the subject: Can Civility in Society Be Regained? It begins...

Click to expand...

I wasn't referring to being civil. Believe me with everything that I'm finding out has happened I should get the fucking Nobel Prize for CIVILITY.

DEMAND is what I was referring to.

So far you haven't said a word about what you would really like to see happen between you and your wife. How come?

I know my first question would be Why. My next would be Do you still love me. Etc.

But if you only think she is cheating...

Then the question would have to be...

I feel we are drifting apart, would you be willing to see a counselor to work on our relationship to be closer? As close as we were when we got married?

Of course you should be ready to reply to her question, because she will answer your question with a question.

Of course she could just say yes. Now what? And if she is cheating will this fix it?

Without proof there can be no confrontation. If you have proof and confront her, there might be just a lot of crying on both your parts or she could go into WWIII mode. It's all up to you how you present the proof to her.

Personally, I would welcome WWIII, from her if I had the proof and laid it all out in front of her. WWIII mode means she's at least feeling guilt. Crying also means that. It's indifference I would worry about. That means she doesn't care if you know. That is the marriage killer. Just my Opinion there.

ReadyOne said:

From the Bing (Microsoft Search Engine):
An interesting essay on the subject: Can Civility in Society Be Regained? It begins...

Click to expand...

While the internet has cause a lot of bad behavior and rudeness around the world, in America a lot has been caused by the Politically Correctness Police. Our country is raising a generation of "snowflakes" whose feeling get hurt at the drop of a hat. Then when they grow up into Adult Snowflakes... well you figure it out. It just seems that everyone's skin is very, very thin these days and the need to grow the fuck up.

DiscoveringUtopia said:

I wasn't referring to being civil. Believe me with everything that I'm finding out has happened I should get the fucking Nobel Prize for CIVILITY.

DEMAND is what I was referring to.

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I do believe you've identified your problem.

I hope you do get some respect, but I'm the 7th son of a 7th son and I have the Sight...

Sorry for the pain you're going/going to go through.