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Old 12-18-2012, 06:18 PM   #1
shy slave
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Open Relationships

I know many of you have open relationships in one guise or another.

I have sort of admired you for that, and sort of been confused as to how they really work in reality, but truth is never thought it would apply to me.

So not sure if I am asking for advice, thoughts or just need a place to try and think this through in the company of people who understand this far more than I do.

I have an ex whom I am very close to. We dated briefly in 2007 and whilst we soon realised that from a kink pov we were not compatible, but we ended up close friends who dated other people.
The few people who know us both (and they are very few, but ADR who used to post here met him in 2008/9), say we seem like a 'married couple' and think we work well together, which we do; as friends.

Recently things have changed, I move a lot, and he has started visiting me. For the first time in years we ended up in bed together. It was ok, comfortable, and good. Not mind blowing, but not terrible.

He finds it almost impossible to discuss his feelings and we are not touchy/feely people but we both seem ok about this change.

He knows I miss the physical pain stuff, he tried to give that to me, but didn't enjoy it. He has an ego the size of a house, and I enjoyed it; but again it was...comfortable.

We analysed it, discussed it and thought about (exciting huh).

He is ok about me finding someone to administer pain, as long as it is not an emotional relationship (the closest I am likely to get to his admitting he has feelings for me).

So, tonight I met someone. He caned me, it was..... dull. He wanted cuddles every few minutes and wanted to keep sticking his fingers in me to see if I was wet. I hate that, makes me feel like some sort of oven ready chicken.

The caning was fairly expert, he clearly knows what he is doing, but it didn't really work. I hate aftercare and all that being hugged was awkward and boring.

I did tell him I hate foreplay and all that fiddling about and to be fair he didn't think he did it that much, but he likes it.

What now?

Is it the lack of emotion that made it feel like a weird exchange of goods?

Should I try with someone else?

Should I accept that the ex and I get on and be content with that? I never thought I could be content with less than getting caned, but then never thought I would consider an open relationship.

Are open relationships like this, a means to scratch an itch, or am I missing something?

Out of my depth a bit here.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:10 PM   #2
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As with anything, it's different with different people.

You know my heart and soul really belong in the Emerald Isle, but as I'm state bound and highly needy Jounar's always been happy with me filling my needs here. And at first, that's all anyone ever was to me. Basically a living sex toy that played with me vs the other way around.

Then I met Mr. and Mrs. and sort of fell into this threesome thing that none of us can really explain but we're happy so don't try to often. Mr. is way too afraid of hurting me to properly give me the pain I seek, and Mrs. and I haven't worked out playing alone yet, but they fill a need in me and I'm happy. But then I've always been unexpectedly comfortable with knowing that I can love others and still love Jounar the way that I do. I've also always been able to separate sex from love and pain from sex and pain from love. Everyone tends to fit into a box, and once I know what box they go into, my head is happy with that.

Not sure this helps or not, but you can PM me if you like and we can talk more.

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Old 12-18-2012, 07:32 PM   #3
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Thanks Wenchie, that makes sense.

I have often had sex, as well, sex, I love it, and have not needed an emotional attachment to the man on the end of the cock to enjoy it for what it is.

But have never 'played' at the BDSM stuff.

Felt odd, no submission, he never asked for it and I didn't get into that head space. Not sure how to get there without the emotional involvement.

Honestly, wanted it to end so I could get into my dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:05 PM   #4
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Interesting.
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:22 PM   #5
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Interesting.
What the HELL does *that* mean? If you're not going to contribute to the discussion, why bother wasting the pixels to post a one-word non sequitur to the thread?
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:34 PM   #6
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There are couples where one of the partners has a dominant outside the marriage, where for example a female sub has a master who is not her primary partner, there are couples I know where the husband has a female sub not his primary partner and the prime partner is not involved, and I know one couple where the husband (who is a serious crossdresser/gender player/tg) has a dominant couple who are his owners outside his marriage where he is a female sub to them (in other words, with them she is she......)......

I know a little about dynamics and it basically represents the fact that the primary partner has no interest in that side of things, and it is a way to make it work. In some of the relationships the prime partner is involved in so far as they are involved in setting up boundaries,about what is permissible, time, etc.......like anything else in BD/SM, it is all about negotiation, limits and boundaries. From talking to the few spouses I have met where their mate is going outside, it seems to work because the outside relationship is about getting needs met and they are confident it isn't an emotional entanglement. The husband of a female sub who has master told me that he is okay with her having sex, because in the context of the outside relationship, it is about the D/s and is not about 'loving sex' per se...works for him, which is what matters. For the couple where the husband has gender issues/expression, it is kind of a compromise that allows her to express herself and have room to be herself, while also being able to keep her primary relationship and not have to risk that by transitioning and such...one of the things I have become convinced about human beings is that as fucked up as we are, we have the ability to pull off some pretty clever compromises to keep things going
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Old 12-18-2012, 11:08 PM   #7
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I'd warn to be careful about that "as long as you don't love them" separation though. One can't always control how one feels.

I never wanted to be a third to a couple, it just kind of happened. I didn't intend to fall in love with Mr., but I did. And I totally didn't expect to fall in love with Mrs. but that snuck up on me too. I love them differently than I do Jounar, but there's no denying it's love in some shape.

Of course this was the first major explosion inside of the trio. They didn't expect Mr and me to connect so deeply and so quickly either. It was messy, there was a lot of hurt, but like anything, when you want something to work badly enough, and when you work for it, it will work out some how.
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Old 12-19-2012, 01:43 AM   #8
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What wenchie said. I won't do relationships with anyone who puts limits on what I can and can't do with someone else, because I refuse to try and predict or control that.

Basically I don't think humans are in control of that period, so I won't make promises based on that at all.

But whether to be alarmed about SM without emotion or sex without emotion or whatever - that's up to you. If you're not alarmed by it, there's no compelling reason to make yourself be alarmed about that lack of alarm.

If you enjoy it, without strings and stuff, then you enjoy it. If you don't you don't - you need more. It's all up to you.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:15 AM   #9
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I think "scratching an itch" is one way to get into this kind of relationship.
I agree with Wenchie and Netz that it is hard to limit what you feel. That and time management can become major headaches.
I think it would take a lot of discussion about what emotional relationship means to the both of you.

As for the caning expert, it doesn't sound quite like you were compatible anyway?
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Old 12-19-2012, 05:00 AM   #10
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Thank you,

NJ, I think my ex is fine with it all because it is outside our dynamic as you explained about other couples, your words help me see it more clearly from his POV.

Net, I was hoping you would weigh in, you are so open about how all this works, your comment about no reason to be alarmed about not being alarmed made me laugh, and it made sense. I do wonder if my very prudish, 'in a box' upbringing is lurking at the edges of all of this. I am open minded, but perhaps not open minded enough.

Iris, I think you are right, the caning expert, we were just not compatible, for any number of reasons. I also agree that need to define what an emotional relationship is. believe me, my ex can analyse, pontificate and bore on all manner of things so that should not be an issue as long as it remains theoretical.

Not sure I want to find another to scratch the itch, or just leave things be.

I guess I should stop thinking of the ex as an ex, considering we have some sort of relationship that is not friendship but not dating either.

Wenchie, I don't know how you manage the falling in love with both of them thing, I know I would struggle with that. It makes my head spin just thinking of it.

I have considered paying a private club that is just a couple of miles away to cane/whip me. That would solve the emotion issue from the non-involvement point of view, but may find its all a bit too mechanical and therefore doesn't work either......

My head hurts
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Old 12-19-2012, 05:01 AM   #11
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What the HELL does *that* mean? If you're not going to contribute to the discussion, why bother wasting the pixels to post a one-word non sequitur to the thread?
Sir W, there is always one!
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Old 12-19-2012, 05:31 AM   #12
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I know many of you have open relationships in one guise or another.

I have sort of admired you for that, and sort of been confused as to how they really work in reality, but truth is never thought it would apply to me.

So not sure if I am asking for advice, thoughts or just need a place to try and think this through in the company of people who understand this far more than I do.

I have an ex whom I am very close to. We dated briefly in 2007 and whilst we soon realised that from a kink pov we were not compatible, but we ended up close friends who dated other people.
The few people who know us both (and they are very few, but ADR who used to post here met him in 2008/9), say we seem like a 'married couple' and think we work well together, which we do; as friends.

Recently things have changed, I move a lot, and he has started visiting me. For the first time in years we ended up in bed together. It was ok, comfortable, and good. Not mind blowing, but not terrible.

He finds it almost impossible to discuss his feelings and we are not touchy/feely people but we both seem ok about this change.

He knows I miss the physical pain stuff, he tried to give that to me, but didn't enjoy it. He has an ego the size of a house, and I enjoyed it; but again it was...comfortable.

We analysed it, discussed it and thought about (exciting huh).

He is ok about me finding someone to administer pain, as long as it is not an emotional relationship (the closest I am likely to get to his admitting he has feelings for me).

So, tonight I met someone. He caned me, it was..... dull. He wanted cuddles every few minutes and wanted to keep sticking his fingers in me to see if I was wet. I hate that, makes me feel like some sort of oven ready chicken.

The caning was fairly expert, he clearly knows what he is doing, but it didn't really work. I hate aftercare and all that being hugged was awkward and boring.

I did tell him I hate foreplay and all that fiddling about and to be fair he didn't think he did it that much, but he likes it.

What now?

Is it the lack of emotion that made it feel like a weird exchange of goods?

Should I try with someone else?

Should I accept that the ex and I get on and be content with that? I never thought I could be content with less than getting caned, but then never thought I would consider an open relationship.

Are open relationships like this, a means to scratch an itch, or am I missing something?

Out of my depth a bit here.
Open relationships are a "build your own" kind of thing - different styles for different people. One of the good things about them is that you don't have to get all your sexual, emotional, and material needs met by the one person. I've had several really lovely relationships that would never have worked in monogamy, because of one limitation or another (like living a LONG way away from one another).

That said, open relationships still require plenty of maintenance. If a relationship is unhealthy (as opposed to just "not providing every last thing that I need in my life"), adding other people to the mix won't fix that, and it's likely to make things worse.

At a minimum I think you need some degree of trust and respect for the other people involved, and the sort of "analyse and discuss" business that you mentioned above is very important.

(BTW, don't sign up for a "no emotional attachments" open relationship unless you know yourself very well and are SURE that's a promise you're willing and able to keep. Quite a few poly relationships have hit the rocks when somebody realised that sleeping with somebody can create unexpected emotions.)
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Old 12-19-2012, 10:44 AM   #13
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Wenchie, I don't know how you manage the falling in love with both of them thing, I know I would struggle with that. It makes my head spin just thinking of it.

I have considered paying a private club that is just a couple of miles away to cane/whip me. That would solve the emotion issue from the non-involvement point of view, but may find its all a bit too mechanical and therefore doesn't work either......

My head hurts
Honestly, I just don't try to manage it at all. I feel what I feel, and leave it at that. And I don't give expectations that any one of them should feel the same way I do, and I accept that I'm not responsible for how some one else feels.

Every person in my life fills some need, in some way. And I'm happy to leave it at that.
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:13 PM   #14
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Hi Shy Slave!
Open relationships definitely come with their own set of challenges. I'm still trying to sort mine out. It would be nice to achieve one-stop shopping and find someone who can meet all of my requirements, but I'm convinced that such a person would be superhuman! I hope you find a way to get all of your needs (and desires) met and that you have a few pleasant surprises too.
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:52 PM   #15
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What the HELL does *that* mean? If you're not going to contribute to the discussion, why bother wasting the pixels to post a one-word non sequitur to the thread?
You waste much more pixels, yet nobody complains about it.
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:54 PM   #16
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He is ok about me finding someone to administer pain, as long as it is not an emotional relationship (the closest I am likely to get to his admitting he has feelings for me).
all of my relationships are emotional. i'm not one of those people who can set emotions aside. they may be good, bad or indifferent, but they are there. it sounds like your body didn't respond to the caner. it may take a while before you can find someone who understands what your body needs. if that's something important to you (and it sounds like it is,) don't settle for less. maybe 'interview sessions' with potential pain inflectors? clear guidelines and boundaries set and agreed upon - possibly signed? i don't know.

whomever you end up with, i don't think it's fair to yourself to say you will never have emotions. it's about working through the emotions, finding out more about who you are and how you relate to other people.
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:59 PM   #17
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Recently things have changed, I move a lot, and he has started visiting me.
You are a girl?
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Old 12-19-2012, 01:06 PM   #18
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Should I accept that the ex and I get on and be content with that? I never thought I could be content with less than getting caned, but then never thought I would consider an open relationship.
Where is the "cut ex down to size" option?

If you don't keep your ex in the "friend with benefits" cage and pursue a real relationship, you are begging for trouble.
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Old 12-19-2012, 01:17 PM   #19
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Where is the "cut ex down to size" option?

If you don't keep your ex in the "friend with benefits" cage and pursue a real relationship, you are begging for trouble.
You know what, I agree with this.
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Old 12-19-2012, 01:21 PM   #20
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Where is the "cut ex down to size" option?

If you don't keep your ex in the "friend with benefits" cage and pursue a real relationship, you are begging for trouble.
Agreed.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:21 PM   #21
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Where is the "cut ex down to size" option?

If you don't keep your ex in the "friend with benefits" cage and pursue a real relationship, you are begging for trouble.
This.

However, like I said, are you willing to face the possibility that you are a person who likes FWB? I find that chases more women off of them than actually needing depth and stability - being unable to become the kind of woman who doesn't need depth and stability all the time. It's ok, too. If you need it you need it - people get into major trouble when they are not themselves, that's where it falls apart, not in being monogamous or not.

...and my preference, I'd just say "pursue other relationships." Just don't make that the center of your world and be open to what else happens.

FWB is a real relationship. Drunken one nighters are a real relationship. Any interaction that invites consequence is real and should be taken seriously.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:50 PM   #22
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My ex and I have been friends for so long that neither of us are sure where being FWB will lead, if anywhere.

The most important issue is that whatever happens we don't lose our friendship.

We have seen each other through highs and lows of our personal lives - relationships, other stuff, family stuff etc etc.

I don't get emotionally involved with people i have sex with or give oral too. I do those things because I enjoy them, I have no issue with all that.

The BDSM stuff has always been with some sort of emotional attachment for me. Wrapping my head around having an open relationship when I am essentially monogamous is the bit I am having trouble with.
Anyone I have fucked and walked away from has been when I have been single, not in a relationship. I agree FWB is a relationship, for both of us, the friendship, not the benefits, is the essential part.

I know myself, I am honest with myself, as it is at the moment I have zero interest in falling in love, it just causes issues. I love my ex, just not in love with him.

Primalex, sometimes you talk sense, and yes I do need to keep the FWB in the right cage, maybe being naive but think I can do that; just not sure about the open aspect.

I thought I had 'interviewed' the caner, obviously not. Or maybe I was in the wrong headspace.

I really miss a decent caning/whipping/crop though.

Not sure what to do next,

Try again
Shelve it
Go to a private club and pay for it.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:53 PM   #23
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Where is the "cut ex down to size" option?

If you don't keep your ex in the "friend with benefits" cage and pursue a real relationship, you are begging for trouble.
What do you mean by cut down to size?

And how do you do that?

He has a huge ego, I have no intention of telling him the caning I had didn't hit the right note for me. He will assume as a by product he was better, which, he wasn't.

We have a complicated relationship, so if cut down to size means the same thing on both sides of the Atlantic, please tell me how to even go about this.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:55 PM   #24
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So, tonight I met someone. He caned me, it was..... dull. He wanted cuddles every few minutes and wanted to keep sticking his fingers in me to see if I was wet. I hate that, makes me feel like some sort of oven ready chicken.
.....
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:56 PM   #25
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This.

However, like I said, are you willing to face the possibility that you are a person who likes FWB? I find that chases more women off of them than actually needing depth and stability - being unable to become the kind of woman who doesn't need depth and stability all the time. It's ok, too. If you need it you need it - people get into major trouble when they are not themselves, that's where it falls apart, not in being monogamous or not.

...and my preference, I'd just say "pursue other relationships." Just don't make that the center of your world and be open to what else happens.

FWB is a real relationship. Drunken one nighters are a real relationship. Any interaction that invites consequence is real and should be taken seriously.
Never had FWB before.

I have never felt I needed a relationship either, have been ok about brief interludes as the fancy takes me, but they have been mainly vanilla.

I am tired of having my heart broken, its so draining and hard work. The last time really felt like I want it to be the last time - if that makes sense.

I am myself, but it appears 'myself' is changing, not that that is a bad thing.
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