COVID-19 RESOURCES
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

To everyone who wants to discuss/ask about BDSM

E

editorinwork1

Experienced
Joined
Apr 7, 2015
Posts
35
Hello everyone.
I have been on the site for past 3 years. But never have been in forums or created an account. I recently decided to be active.
I created this thread in realization that there may be many people like me, who are curious, wants to gain knowledge.
OR Some maybe newcomers and may have loads of questionnaire in their mind.
Midwestyankee has given me an advice to read through the BDSM library. It was an explosion to my mind. I sat 3 hours reading it. I would obviously continue to explore the library section and would advice everyone to do so too.
NewDaddyDom solved some of my questions yesterday in private messages.
I realised that the stories that i read in bdsm section is a bit different than real life.
As in the story although is based on bdsm, but the writer obviously has used some imagination mixed with his/her fantasies.
On forum, reading through the library section made realize its different. Each couple has their own rules.

I would like to pose basic questions and continue asking them as and when i explore more library section.
I m assuming that most of the people here may have been vanilla & have then come to embrace bdsm.
So my basic question would be: What made them realize that they are Dominant/Submissive or likewise.
How does switch work in monogamy?
How does a newbie over come their fear while being single?
Isnt complete dominance or submission a bit scary first time around?
Thank you in advance :)
 
editorinwork1 said:
I would like to pose basic questions and continue asking them as and when i explore more library section.
I m assuming that most of the people here may have been vanilla & have then come to embrace bdsm.
So my basic question would be: What made them realize that they are Dominant/Submissive or likewise.
How does switch work in monogamy?
How does a newbie over come their fear while being single?
Isnt complete dominance or submission a bit scary first time around?
Thank you in advance :)
Click to expand...

I've always leaned towards being submissive and found answers on the Internet. It's just always been apart of me, and now I have a word for it.

Every relationship is different so it works however the couple involved want it to work.

Everyone is different and some people are really great at meeting others. If one has the chance, attending a munch is probably a good way to meet likeminded people in real life. Sometimes having friends to go to events with makes it less scary.

I've never done total power exchange because it doesn't appeal to me. I would suggest starting slow and allowing things to develope over time, that would probably make it less scary.
 
:p
 
Last edited by a moderator:
It can be very scary for a newbie to delve into the world of bdsm, whether your coming into it as a Dom or a sub. On one hand, for a Dom you are responsible for your own actions and responsibilities on an every day basis, but you are also in charge of making decisions regarding your submissive and theirs well being. It's a major load for anyone to carry. But on the other side for a sub, you're relinquishing all your power, your decision making, every part of you to another individual, in hopes that they will not take advantage of or hurt you. Being a sub does not make you weak, don't ever look at it from that mindset, it takes am individual who's just as strong as a Dom to be a sub.
For me personally, I'm a control freak, I need to have the power, the control, the ability to make the decisions regarding myself and my submissive. It's a 24/7 high that's better than any drug out there. Hoped that helped a little.
 
My husband/Dom of three years and I had pretty vanilla sex before BDSM. Looking back, we had dabbled here and there with things before, light bondage, blindfolds, etc. I've always been the submissive one in bed, even before him, I just like to be dominated, which is why my past relationships never worked. Even with JUST SEX guys had the idea that if they fucked hard and fast that they would hurt/break me. At the start of our relationship he was that way too until some trust was gained and he realized I would stop him before that point. We still haven't hit that point šŸ˜Š. It is very scary to be a sub, we having amazing trust in one another, I know he would never really hurt me and yet I get nervous when we're in a scene and he leaves my line of sight. It's relaxing to completely let go at the same time though, to not have to make decisions and please him in doing so. I enjoy punishment, and he's found that he likes leaving marks, nothing extreme, just red welts that may last a day or two. We were both new so he practiced working me up slowly, I was able to tolerate more for longer periods when he did and in those moments where I focused on relaxing between strikes I found subspace. There are times when my entire body is shaking by the time he takes me and all I want after is to immediately fall asleep. It's so scary, even with amazing trust, even after so many times, but it pleases him so much.
 
My wife/sub and I have agreed to no punishments. Right now I could not imagine causing pain to her. I may give her sone discomfort during play time though. We use bed restraints, blindfolds, ball gags, floggers, vibrators, rabbits.
Our D/s relationship, being new as it is, we focus on daily obediance and submission. Stuff around the house, knowing how to ask me, or how she must refer to me. We're working on lifestyle submission first before we get into the full play scenes.
 
NewDaddyDom said:
It can be very scary for a newbie to delve into the world of bdsm, whether your coming into it as a Dom or a sub. On one hand, for a Dom you are responsible for your own actions and responsibilities on an every day basis, but you are also in charge of making decisions regarding your submissive and theirs well being. It's a major load for anyone to carry. But on the other side for a sub, you're relinquishing all your power, your decision making, every part of you to another individual, in hopes that they will not take advantage of or hurt you Being a sub does not make you weak, don't ever look at it from that mindset, it takes am individual who's just as strong as a Dom to be a sub.
For me personally, I'm a control freak, I need to have the power, the control, the ability to make the decisions regarding myself and my submissive. It's a 24/7 high that's better than any drug out there. Hoped that helped a little.
Click to expand...

The bolded statement is part of your dynamic but it isn't true for everyone. If I had to wait for my husband to make all the decisions our life would be all kinds of fucked up. I don't sit at home like a powered down robot waiting for the next command. I make important decisions everyday and defer to him for certain things. My regular day consists of doing things to make life more comfortable for us and that usually entails going above and beyond when it comes to him.
I didn't bold it, but a sub is still responsible for their own wellbeing. The submissive label does not come with an instant "get out of being an adult" card.
 
I do apologize if my post came out wrong. My sub does have power. I do not require that she be a robot. When it comes to our finances, her clothes, or anything with the health of our children, she has complete control. Or if she wants to spend the day helpin clean our home, I will gladly accept. But she does need to know how to ask. For me, her calling me Sir is an absolute must! Whether in a text or in person. Whenever she calls me Sir, I'm instantly horny and look for the nearest place to bend her over. And her being a nympho, she's happy to accept.
 
I have to comment on the "giving up all control" aspect to this discussion. There's a very wide and colorful middle ground too. You don't have to give up all control. And I would argue that even if you like the idea, you only give up a little bit to the start if you're new. I mean you don't meet someone you like, marry them that day, make joint bank accounts, make your wills, and have sex with them all in one day do you?

Also, not every relationship has a dynamic where one person gives up their power all the time. We are pretty vanilla most of the time, and I "wear the pants" in the relationship so to speak. I'm not in charge, but I usually have strong ideas of what I want and he's generally easy to convince. I'm usually the one seen around the house saying, "Dear, can you go do x?" He does it because he's happy to, and prefers for me to be the one that makes sure everything gets done. He also generally trusts that the world will continue to go round without him, and I feel as if the world will collapse in a heap if I'm not making sure it all stays together (slight exaggeration).

He rarely asks me to do things. In fact, the other day he was being productive and cleaning, and I was being a useless lump. I asked him what he wanted me to do (because I felt guilty about not helping) and he got all frustrated with me and snapped and said he was not going to tell me what to do. He's usually laid back but this really triggered something in him.

And yet when we have sex the rules change entirely. We go from equal partners with me generally the guiding force, to him being 100% in charge. Even in the early days of our relationship before we really knew what we wanted he was generally the one guiding that part of our relationship. I need that in sex so I can let go and enjoy the experience without stressing about whether I'm feeling the right things, or doing the right things, or whatever other neurotic thoughts I do normally. My early fantasies were always of not being in control.

People in vanilla relationships divide up responsibility/authority all the time without even realizing it. I feel like sometimes when people think of BDSM they think they have to slough off all the knowledge and common sense that comes from the "vanilla" world. You don't have to entirely change the rules (unless you want to). Sometimes incorporating BDSM into your relationship just means tweaking things a bit. Sometimes it means changing the rules entirely.

Take it slow, enjoy the journey, find someone to get to know who you feel compatible with and over time see what works for the two of you. The dynamic you have in one relationship may not play out exactly the same in a relationship with someone different.

OK I'll step off my soap box now haha. I'm sure I've already said much of this before. It's just that so much of what you can read about BDSM and D/s relationships is often on the extreme end of a power exchange can work. It's totally valid, but there are as many ways of going about this as there are people doing it.
 
I do agree with everyone. I wasn't trying to cause confusion or arguments. You need to take things slow at first. And build yourselves up
 
Gianbattista said:
I don't have fear....yet. But we have hit that point, more than once and one has said, 'i am not feeling what I thought I would feel' or 'i dunno any more' and its something we agree to set aside or revisit maybe.

The reason I highlight this is because I don't consider this 'failure' or lesser in anyway. Just like I don't consider this type of sexuality lesser or greater than others, I don't consider different types or extremes of it greater or lesser either.
Click to expand...


I wasn't trying to imply that anyone who hits a limit is a failure, I was just explaining that we haven't between the two of us yet. He works slow, especially with anything new, and checks in frequently. I'm sure one day we'll find a place that I can't take, doesn't mean we failed, it just means it needs to be discussed and revised before being revisited. We talk A LOT about anything we want to try extensively, outside the bedroom, before attempting in a scene. If we get a new toy, like a crop our flogger, he practices before using it on me, and even then he varies his strike areas with mostly even force to judge where and how to use said toys. Our communication and careful practice is what keeps him from hurting me for real.
 
MeekMe said:
I've always leaned towards being submissive and found answers on the Internet. It's just always been apart of me, and now I have a word for it.

Every relationship is different so it works however the couple involved want it to work.

Everyone is different and some people are really great at meeting others. If one has the chance, attending a munch is probably a good way to meet likeminded people in real life. Sometimes having friends to go to events with makes it less scary.

I've never done total power exchange because it doesn't appeal to me. I would suggest starting slow and allowing things to develope over time, that would probably make it less scary.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your reply.
Do you mind if I ask you how did you know you have the submissive-ness in you?
How did you embrace it or let's say accepted it?
With newbie is it better to have an experienced Dom so as to know how to make things work?
 
Gianbattista said:
I've explored different parts of my sexuality with different partners, this now (consciously) some years into marriage. 'vanilla' sex will always be part of me, but that doesn't mean there is a different person having sex. I've always liked my hands being held down above my head for example.....there is no conscious.....'thisis vanilla and thisis submission and this is.....whatever. :). We do not plan or per discuss 'play' sessions so if other aspects come into it like spanking or bondage it is often a surprise to me at the time.

I cannot answer your other questions I am afraid, and I think each person will differ a little. :)
Click to expand...

Thank you for your reply.
I have doubt though from your reply,
I read that in usual d/s relationship people do discuss the scenes,right?
I mean I m sure with your partner you have that level of trust which makes things different.
But what would you say if it's a newbie? Or anyone who are just new into this?
Further, if the sub doesn't know whether they like flogging for example but if in play session like you mentioned wouldn't receiving a flog and disliking it then just be like moot?
 
NewDaddyDom said:
It can be very scary for a newbie to delve into the world of bdsm, whether your coming into it as a Dom or a sub. On one hand, for a Dom you are responsible for your own actions and responsibilities on an every day basis, but you are also in charge of making decisions regarding your submissive and theirs well being. It's a major load for anyone to carry. But on the other side for a sub, you're relinquishing all your power, your decision making, every part of you to another individual, in hopes that they will not take advantage of or hurt you. Being a sub does not make you weak, don't ever look at it from that mindset, it takes am individual who's just as strong as a Dom to be a sub.
For me personally, I'm a control freak, I need to have the power, the control, the ability to make the decisions regarding myself and my submissive. It's a 24/7 high that's better than any drug out there. Hoped that helped a little.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your reply.
So does sub needs to like to give control?
 
MeekMe said:
The bolded statement is part of your dynamic but it isn't true for everyone. If I had to wait for my husband to make all the decisions our life would be all kinds of fucked up. I don't sit at home like a powered down robot waiting for the next command. I make important decisions everyday and defer to him for certain things. My regular day consists of doing things to make life more comfortable for us and that usually entails going above and beyond when it comes to him.
I didn't bold it, but a sub is still responsible for their own wellbeing. The submissive label does not come with an instant "get out of being an adult" card.
Click to expand...

So the submissive can choose which part of control they have and which they offer to Dom?
 
gorgeous_grl said:
My husband/Dom of three years and I had pretty vanilla sex before BDSM. Looking back, we had dabbled here and there with things before, light bondage, blindfolds, etc. I've always been the submissive one in bed, even before him, I just like to be dominated, which is why my past relationships never worked. Even with JUST SEX guys had the idea that if they fucked hard and fast that they would hurt/break me. At the start of our relationship he was that way too until some trust was gained and he realized I would stop him before that point. We still haven't hit that point šŸ˜Š. It is very scary to be a sub, we having amazing trust in one another, I know he would never really hurt me and yet I get nervous when we're in a scene and he leaves my line of sight. It's relaxing to completely let go at the same time though, to not have to make decisions and please him in doing so. I enjoy punishment, and he's found that he likes leaving marks, nothing extreme, just red welts that may last a day or two. We were both new so he practiced working me up slowly, I was able to tolerate more for longer periods when he did and in those moments where I focused on relaxing between strikes I found subspace. There are times when my entire body is shaking by the time he takes me and all I want after is to immediately fall asleep. It's so scary, even with amazing trust, even after so many times, but it pleases him so much.
Click to expand...

thank you for your reply. That really helped me :)
 
editorinwork1 said:
Thank you for your reply.
I have doubt though from your reply,
I read that in usual d/s relationship people do discuss the scenes,right?
I mean I m sure with your partner you have that level of trust which makes things different.
But what would you say if it's a newbie? Or anyone who are just new into this?
Further, if the sub doesn't know whether they like flogging for example but if in play session like you mentioned wouldn't receiving a flog and disliking it then just be like moot?
Click to expand...

Not all BDSM is d/s.
Not everyone wants to discuss in detail what is going to play out. Not everyone does "scenes" actually.
I don't know what you mean by usual d/s relationship?

If someone is new to this and/or new to their partner, it might be a good idea to talk a lot about who you are and what you like or think you'd like.

I don't understand what you mean when you say it would be moot if a submissive doesn't like something in a scene?
 
NewDaddyDom said:
My wife/sub and I have agreed to no punishments. Right now I could not imagine causing pain to her. I may give her sone discomfort during play time though. We use bed restraints, blindfolds, ball gags, floggers, vibrators, rabbits.
Our D/s relationship, being new as it is, we focus on daily obediance and submission. Stuff around the house, knowing how to ask me, or how she must refer to me. We're working on lifestyle submission first before we get into the full play scenes.
Click to expand...

Thank you for giving me an insight
 
SpunThings said:
I have to comment on the "giving up all control" aspect to this discussion. There's a very wide and colorful middle ground too. You don't have to give up all control. And I would argue that even if you like the idea, you only give up a little bit to the start if you're new. I mean you don't meet someone you like, marry them that day, make joint bank accounts, make your wills, and have sex with them all in one day do you?

Also, not every relationship has a dynamic where one person gives up their power all the time. We are pretty vanilla most of the time, and I "wear the pants" in the relationship so to speak. I'm not in charge, but I usually have strong ideas of what I want and he's generally easy to convince. I'm usually the one seen around the house saying, "Dear, can you go do x?" He does it because he's happy to, and prefers for me to be the one that makes sure everything gets done. He also generally trusts that the world will continue to go round without him, and I feel as if the world will collapse in a heap if I'm not making sure it all stays together (slight exaggeration).

He rarely asks me to do things. In fact, the other day he was being productive and cleaning, and I was being a useless lump. I asked him what he wanted me to do (because I felt guilty about not helping) and he got all frustrated with me and snapped and said he was not going to tell me what to do. He's usually laid back but this really triggered something in him.

And yet when we have sex the rules change entirely. We go from equal partners with me generally the guiding force, to him being 100% in charge. Even in the early days of our relationship before we really knew what we wanted he was generally the one guiding that part of our relationship. I need that in sex so I can let go and enjoy the experience without stressing about whether I'm feeling the right things, or doing the right things, or whatever other neurotic thoughts I do normally. My early fantasies were always of not being in control.

People in vanilla relationships divide up responsibility/authority all the time without even realizing it. I feel like sometimes when people think of BDSM they think they have to slough off all the knowledge and common sense that comes from the "vanilla" world. You don't have to entirely change the rules (unless you want to). Sometimes incorporating BDSM into your relationship just means tweaking things a bit. Sometimes it means changing the rules entirely.

Take it slow, enjoy the journey, find someone to get to know who you feel compatible with and over time see what works for the two of you. The dynamic you have in one relationship may not play out exactly the same in a relationship with someone different.

OK I'll step off my soap box now haha. I'm sure I've already said much of this before. It's just that so much of what you can read about BDSM and D/s relationships is often on the extreme end of a power exchange can work. It's totally valid, but there are as many ways of going about this as there are people doing it.
Click to expand...

umm, wow!!! You cleared up so much! I was freaking from inside at the idea of either giving up complete control or taking either. *giggles*
After reading forum from library today, this is what was going in my mind.
I discussed this with one of my friend and this is what we thought too. It is just that bdsm has been seen as humilation, whipping, punishment. I know its an aspect of it, but each d/s couple is different. Like newdaddydom said he doesnt use physical punishment.
But now a different question arises,
How and in which part of bdsm is different than vanilla?
 
editorinwork1 said:
So the submissive can choose which part of control they have and which they offer to Dom?
Click to expand...

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!! Please forgive the excessive response, but it is so important for someone new to this wanting to build a relationship to know this. You have just as much say in how a relationship plays out, and if the other person doesn't like it then perhaps you are just not compatible.

This doesn't necessarily have to be all that different from vanilla dating.

If someone agrees to try flogging, and decides they don't like it, in most relationships it probably won't work out very well if the Dom doesn't take into account what their sub likes and dislikes. The sub always, always, always has the option of ending the relationship if it doesn't work for them. One of two things happens. Sub says I don't like that so much and they don't do it (or find a way to do it that is more palatable to the sub). Sub says I don't like that so much, and dom says this is important to me so we do this or we need to see other people. Nothing wrong with the sub not wanting it, the two people are just not compatible.

I'm with Gianbattista. I don't do "scenes" I have sex. This is all a natural part of intimacy and sex in my marriage.
 
Gianbattista said:
I don't comment on what's 'normal'. :). I only know what we do and what works for us. :). That's the only thing that's important when it comes to it. For example.....it its normal to have cheese on pizza and you are lactose intolerant or dislike cheese you'd be silly to eat cheese!

Like you I am here to learn and discover, I would call my self 'newbie' :). I knew I wanted to try being flogged . My husband and I talked about it and I knew he'd bought the flogger and was very excited for him to use it. But I do not know now when it will be used. We are know talking about buying another flogger too. We talk about sex a lot:D. But I wouldn't say we 'scene'. We just .....have sex. G might have planned the direction, I might hope for the direction, even tease and goad for it. Occasionally the situation is planned, I.e. By The location and a factor like bondage but we do not use the terminology 'scene' ( I find it a turn off in truth). For me I find the more forethought, the more anticipation , the greater the expectation and potential for feeling disappointed if things do not pan out how I thought they might. Whereas if I have not built up expectations then I am able only to enjoy the moment.


This is of course possible because I am in a ltr with a partner who I trust implicitly. I cannot say what I would recommend to others because I recommend only they stay very safe and do what feels right to them. Take advice from those wiser and more experienced than I am. Relationship side of things are more my strength IMO.
Click to expand...

Makes more sense now. What i understood from your reply is trust and communication is as vital as oxygen. To each its own. thank you :)
 
SpunThings said:
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!! Please forgive the excessive response, but it is so important for someone new to this wanting to build a relationship to know this. You have just as much say in how a relationship plays out, and if the other person doesn't like it then perhaps you are just not compatible.

This doesn't necessarily have to be all that different from vanilla dating.

If someone agrees to try flogging, and decides they don't like it, in most relationships it probably won't work out very well if the Dom doesn't take into account what their sub likes and dislikes. The sub always, always, always has the option of ending the relationship if it doesn't work for them. One of two things happens. Sub says I don't like that so much and they don't do it (or find a way to do it that is more palatable to the sub). Sub says I don't like that so much, and dom says this is important to me so we do this or we need to see other people. Nothing wrong with the sub not wanting it, the two people are just not compatible.

I'm with Gianbattista. I don't do "scenes" I have sex. This is all a natural part of intimacy and sex in my marriage.
Click to expand...

Nods. So primarily, one needs to know their own self first and accept it; then find a person who is more compatible?
 
editorinwork1 said:
umm, wow!!! You cleared up so much! I was freaking from inside at the idea of either giving up complete control or taking either. *giggles*
After reading forum from library today, this is what was going in my mind.
I discussed this with one of my friend and this is what we thought too. It is just that bdsm has been seen as humilation, whipping, punishment. I know its an aspect of it, but each d/s couple is different. Like newdaddydom said he doesnt use physical punishment.
But now a different question arises,
How and in which part of bdsm is different than vanilla?
Click to expand...

It doesn't feel different to me. What we do feels like being husband and wife. However, when I look at it from the lens of what is seen as "normal" I see it's obviously different.

For us it's different because we are both into S&M. I have chosen not to say no to sex, at least from the start. I like to be tied up.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

M
Diving into bdsm whithout damaging a relationship
Replies
14
Views
415
Bella857Donna
B
K
How to get into BDSM/ sexual relationship
2 3
Replies
56
Views
2K
Howardstark1910
H
K
BDSM & Autism Part 1
Replies
2
Views
422
Blase
B
DomBETO
A glass of wine never hurts... or does it?
Replies
11
Views
774
Keiiii
Keiiii
K
BDSM & Autism: Intro
Replies
3
Views
323
dschuetz68
D
Back
Top