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Submissive in bed, submissive in nature??

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tyrony67

Experienced
Joined
Apr 13, 2015
Posts
35
My partner and I like to switch, we generally take it turns being the submissive one, probably because we are normally pretty laid back people and like trying the dominant side...but sometimes when I am being submissive I start to question if my partner might start to lose respect for me as a person and then I find in my normal day to day life to try and prove that Im not a push over I get overly bitchy or insecure and demanding..

I know that you are all going to say the opposite and in fact I have heard many times that submissive people are normally dominant in their day to day lives.(I am generally quite a confident person)...if so, how do you keep that seperation or become insecure about how you are being portrayed by your partner?

I guess that it doesnt help that I have come from quite a mentally abusive relationship in the past where my previous partner continually belittled me and put me down.

I often wonder if it would be best to wear some sort of mask when I am being submissive, would that make me feel better maybe, like I am a different person all together.

Sorry if this has come accross a bit weird, dont get me wrong, I love the whole BDSM thing and it really turns me on, but I just have odd feelings about it all sometimes.
 
Is your partner adding humiliation to their domination, and are you finding that you don't like it? Maybe it's simply a case of renegotiating your boundaries?
 
I actually have no problem switching back and forth, and I am fairly in charge of my life outside of the bedroom.

Maybe you just need more of a transition period after play. Also, do you two talk about your experiences later? It may help to discuss how you both felt about your encounters, what you loved, how you felt about eachother in your respective roles.

I can imagine if I wasn't playing with my husband (with whom I feel more comfortable and at ease than anyone) I'd probably feel the need outside of submissive play times to assert my independence from the other person. I'd probably be on high alert for any behavior that might indicate a submissive position, so I can kind of understand where you're coming from.
 
tyrony67 said:
My partner and I like to switch, we generally take it turns being the submissive one, probably because we are normally pretty laid back people and like trying the dominant side...but sometimes when I am being submissive I start to question if my partner might start to lose respect for me as a person and then I find in my normal day to day life to try and prove that Im not a push over I get overly bitchy or insecure and demanding..

I know that you are all going to say the opposite and in fact I have heard many times that submissive people are normally dominant in their day to day lives.(I am generally quite a confident person)...if so, how do you keep that seperation or become insecure about how you are being portrayed by your partner?

I guess that it doesnt help that I have come from quite a mentally abusive relationship in the past where my previous partner continually belittled me and put me down.

I often wonder if it would be best to wear some sort of mask when I am being submissive, would that make me feel better maybe, like I am a different person all together.

Sorry if this has come accross a bit weird, dont get me wrong, I love the whole BDSM thing and it really turns me on, but I just have odd feelings about it all sometimes.
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By the time you don't have a bondage relationship but a normal one, there is nothing to worry about. You just play your role. By the time your partner enjoys this game too, it is ok. There is no rule about submissive people, some of them are dominant in their life, some of them are submissive and some of them are neither of those. Don't think about that too much. We shouldn't be judged by what we like in bed.

The thing is, do you worry that your partner will lose respect for you or do you worry that you are a submissive and you don't want to admit it.
 
I am submissive sexually and fairly in charge in the rest of our lives together. There is a separation apart from the occasional bum swipe that makes me giggle

Sounds to me like you're happy in the moment but outside that, when real life sets in you fall into some kind of judgemental mind trap where you feel your expressed sexuality has an element of wrongness / perversion

It doesn't

You need to work to accept that ...there are millions of people who like to be bound, hurt, forced or to bind, hurt, force just as there are millions of other ways to express sexuality

And much as I hate the total shite it is, Shades of Crap has brought the BDSM lifestyle into the mainstream so it is even more easily acceptable to chat to girlfriends about cuffs and stuff

I for one think it's rather beautiful the way you can lose yourself in sensations ...but I was brought up not to be ashamed of my sexuality

Are you strong in your relationship? Or do you have doubts because if you are uncertain of your partner that could force these emotions I presume

Sorry...that's an absolute brain-dump, without cohesive thought ..feel free to ignore
 
Have you talked to your partner about these feelings?
Perhaps if you bring them out in the open and get some feedback, they will go away. Or you might find that part of the things you do, set them off and then you can leave that particular activity out for a while or even permanently.

Another thing you could try is to have some kind of ritual that starts and stops your submission. A mask could work or a collar, but it could just as well be a shower or a cup of tea.
 
I'm not quite sure why the OP is connecting submission with loss of respect? I think submitting conveys a core strength all on its own. Some people might not get that, and I wouldn't want to be around them very much. Master has almost always accepted my submission to him with pleasure and respect. The times when things have gone amiss, I've not been afraid to state my position as clearly as needed.:rose:
 
Thanks for all of your replies I value the feedback. Just to put things into perspective as sometimes writing can be misinterpreted...my partner always treats me with the utmost love and respect and is a very caring man...anything short of that would not be a relationship in my eyes.
The feelings that I have outlined are my feelings only. This post was merely to ascertain whether those feelings were common amongst the submissives at any stage of their relationships or purely feelings that I have to overcome.
 
tyrony67 said:
Thanks for all of your replies I value the feedback. Just to put things into perspective as sometimes writing can be misinterpreted...my partner always treats me with the utmost love and respect and is a very caring man...anything short of that would not be a relationship in my eyes.
The feelings that I have outlined are my feelings only. This post was merely to ascertain whether those feelings were common amongst the submissives at any stage of their relationships or purely feelings that I have to overcome.
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Oh I'm sure there are plenty of people that have the same feelings to work through.

What if you take away all the labels, and just think of the different ways that you connect with and interact with your husband? I think for me it's easier because I didn't immerse myself in BDSM culture/writings/whatever early on. We just did what we liked to do very early in our relationship and exploring BDSM and the whole D/s side of it. Except we didn't use labels for it. It was just sex for us.

Then recently I've been very interested in reading a lot about BDSM, and forum reading and all that. I got quite frustrated early on that I couldn't see D/s relationships that I could identify with. Anyways, if I had all that baggage in the early days that I'm being bombarded with right now, I'd probably be working through some of the same stuff you're working through.
 
I'm a sub, but I'm far from submissive in my everyday. I have a house to keep, a nine month old daughter and another on the way, I don't have time to be submissive and if I did she would eat me alive! We work things as it is comfortable for us. He would never lose what respect he had for me because of my sexual fantasies, nor I him.
 
SpunThings said:
Oh I'm sure there are plenty of people that have the same feelings to work through.

What if you take away all the labels, and just think of the different ways that you connect with and interact with your husband? I think for me it's easier because I didn't immerse myself in BDSM culture/writings/whatever early on. We just did what we liked to do very early in our relationship and exploring BDSM and the whole D/s side of it. Except we didn't use labels for it. It was just sex for us.

Then recently I've been very interested in reading a lot about BDSM, and forum reading and all that. I got quite frustrated early on that I couldn't see D/s relationships that I could identify with. Anyways, if I had all that baggage in the early days that I'm being bombarded with right now, I'd probably be working through some of the same stuff you're working through.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your help and advice...its funny because when we switch and im the dominant I dont think "crap I hope he doesnt think im a real bitch" but when im a sub (even tho I enjoy it very much at the time) I sometimes worry that he will see me as that in our normal life....
 
tyrony67 said:
Thanks for your help and advice...its funny because when we switch and im the dominant I dont think "crap I hope he doesnt think im a real bitch" but when im a sub (even tho I enjoy it very much at the time) I sometimes worry that he will see me as that in our normal life....
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Would it help to consider how you feel about him when he submits relative to how you feel about him otherwise?
 
IrisAlthea said:
Have you talked to your partner about these feelings?
Perhaps if you bring them out in the open and get some feedback, they will go away. Or you might find that part of the things you do, set them off and then you can leave that particular activity out for a while or even permanently.

Another thing you could try is to have some kind of ritual that starts and stops your submission. A mask could work or a collar, but it could just as well be a shower or a cup of tea.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your help. Most of the time I think about these things after the event, so mabe Ill have to think what it is about it that makes me feel this way.
 
I don't know if thinking about what it is to be submissive in a different light would help. I think right off the cuff when people think of BDSM and they are not very familiar with how many D/s relationships work they view being submissive as weak, powerless, degrading, etc. I am submissive and I view being one as a very powerful and in-control role. I will completely give myself over to my master but it is 100% my choice. It is my gift to him as him being my master is a gift to me. At any time during a play session I have all the power and the ultimate say when I want to stop something or completely end a scene. Being submissive is anything but being weak. In fact, I believe it welcomes respect. Embrace the beauty of being submissive and the yin and yang of the relationship.
 
tyrony67 said:
Thanks for your help. Most of the time I think about these things after the event, so mabe Ill have to think what it is about it that makes me feel this way.
Click to expand...

Things do sometimes feel differently and uncomfortable in the bleak light of the day after and non-hornyness.
In my experience, feeling connected to the other person helps putting those things back in the box untill next time, so to speak.
 
I don't know if this is similar, but when my husband and I started exploring domination and submission, I worried that he'd think because I liked it 'that way' on occasion, he'd expect that dynamic in our sex life all the time.

I don't define myself as submissive, like I know many people do. For me it's just something that is fun to explore from time to time.
 
Kat1980 said:
I don't know if this is similar, but when my husband and I started exploring domination and submission, I worried that he'd think because I liked it 'that way' on occasion, he'd expect that dynamic in our sex life all the time.

I don't define myself as submissive, like I know many people do. For me it's just something that is fun to explore from time to time.
Click to expand...

I agee with this, for me it's not an "always on" mentality. I have to be the boss at work, at home, I'm pretty much expected to take the lead everywhere like it or not. I'm good at it. I don't generally like not being in contro outsidr of the bedrooml. However, inside the bedroom, away from the "real world" sometimes it's so good to place myself entirely in someone else's hands, compketely vulnerable and trusting - but I need to trust thst person.

I guess, for me at least, it's not just fun and sexy, it's kind of theraputic, seeing how far I'm willing to give up control. It's a great way to break stress for me.

So in short, no, submissive in bed doesn't equate to submissive by nature.
 
I love being totally dominated in the bed room, but in our day-to-day life we are equal partners. I do not worry about my husband losing respect for me because I want to be submissive in the bedroom. Actually, our sex life as well our relationship improved when my husband started taking more control during sex.

I would say to communicate your fears/concerns with your partner.
 
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