Do I need a label?

chrisanthemum1

Experienced
Joined
Sep 17, 2016
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45
I don't see myself as a true sub, although I have more submissive tendencies than dominant ones. I don't feel the desire to be punished or to call anyone "sir" (actually the thought of this is distasteful to me), but I do think I like to be steered or directed during sex. And I like being spanked... not as punishment, but because it feels kinda good.
I am curious if there is an existing word for this, or if I fall into the general sub category??
 
hi

I don't see myself as a true sub, although I have more submissive tendencies than dominant ones. I don't feel the desire to be punished or to call anyone "sir" (actually the thought of this is distasteful to me), but I do think I like to be steered or directed during sex. And I like being spanked... not as punishment, but because it feels kinda good.
I am curious if there is an existing word for this, or if I fall into the general sub category??

I fall into your category. Thanks for posting my thoughts.
 
Do you think ticking off a list of someone else’s ideas about what submission means is valid when you’re unsure yourself? Because the only people I’ve seen on this site who run around whining about what a “ true sub “ is, aren’t worth the time you waste reading their “ true posts “ ( which are usually just thinly veiled, shitty personal ads ).

Maybe you’re not submissive, maybe you just like rough sex. Maybe you’d be more than willing to call someone by a title without dry heaving, if it was the right person and they earned it. Maybe you’re more submissive than you think you are, but haven’t had the time or chance to properly figure it out. Blah blah generic introspective rhetoric example #37. Point is, it’s up to you to decide what label you have, if any. You don’t actually have to be anything, just because you can force a square peg into a round hole, doesn’t make it a good fit. You decide what you are, and whatever that is, own it. Don’t try to squeeze into someone else’s definition of this or that, just because you heard it’s the be all end all. Explore, talk to people, figure it out for yourself. Then, once you’re secure in it, you can worry about what to call it.

Oh, and if someone waltzes up and starts trying to tell you what you are, feel free to tell them to go fuck themselves ( the “ Sir “ is optional ) :D
 
I don't see myself as a true sub, although I have more submissive tendencies than dominant ones. I don't feel the desire to be punished or to call anyone "sir" (actually the thought of this is distasteful to me), but I do think I like to be steered or directed during sex. And I like being spanked... not as punishment, but because it feels kinda good.
I am curious if there is an existing word for this, or if I fall into the general sub category??
The word would be Submissive. And for those who want to go all hardcore the word is still submissive.

If you have dominant desires too - then that would be switch.

See, DBSM is not a strict definition that involves this and that. It's a group of activities that aren't tied to each other, and while they can come along and compliment each other - they can also be completely independent.

There's no definition of a dominant, and none for a sub. You can have only a few of the submissive desires and confidently call yourself a sub, just like the next person who has A TON.

One important thing to remember about BDSM - is that you don't assume anything based on label. If someone's a dominant, it just a descriptive of general disposition. It doesn't tell you ANYTHING about what this person does. Even Bondage is not a given in BDSM. Sometimes just having one act submissively in bed - without spanking, without any pain or even toys - will make you a BDSM practitioner.

Remember, that BDSM is a very complex term.
BD - Bondage & Discipline
DS - Dominance & Submission
SM - Sadism & Masochism.

It involves A LOT of things, hundreds and thousands of fetishes. Pick yours, and you are still a proud member of the community.

You don't need to kneel or call anyone "sir" to be a Sub. You like spanking? Good, that would fall into light Masochism. You like being controlled in bed? That would be mild Submission.
You fit in not one, but two categories. You're a Sub with very mild interest right now. You need a Dom with similar ideas - who wants to play in bed, maybe discover some other things you like, but generally keep it vanilla.
Over 80% of men would fit this role, because many men are dominant by nature.
 
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Why do you need a category/label?
Sounds like rough sex to this sissy.

OK, here is your label/category- Rough Sex Fiend.
 
Why do you need a category/label?
Sounds like rough sex to this sissy.

OK, here is your label/category- Rough Sex Fiend.

Everybody needs labels.

One for the Flour canister. Another for the Sugar. A third for the Brown Sugar. And so on.

Pro tip: Be SURE that your labels for Salt and Sugar don't get mixed up.**




(**must be smoke inhalation making me wacky from low oxygen levels. Or something.)
 
Why do you need a category/label?
Sounds like rough sex to this sissy.

OK, here is your label/category- Rough Sex Fiend.

:D

I label myself a submissive pain slut, because to me it feels right. I’ve been told I’m very submissive, but I also have no problem initiating sex and I have a huge streak of vanilla.
It’s delicious.
Be who you are. Take your time to find that out. You’re worth that.
Like Necro said, don’t let anyone else label you.
 
Labels are a good place to start a conversation (like this one :) ) or to get the ball rolling toward figuring out who you are, what you want (like you're doing).

That being said - as everyone here has said - a label isn't you. It's just a starting point.

Rough sex fiend is a good label :)

Chick who wants great sex? Bedroom sub? Maybe you're not submissive at all, just want some direction in the bedroom and a little spankin'. Sounds fun.

Enjoy.
 
Everybody needs labels.

One for the Flour canister. Another for the Sugar. A third for the Brown Sugar. And so on.

Pro tip: Be SURE that your labels for Salt and Sugar don't get mixed up.**




(**must be smoke inhalation making me wacky from low oxygen levels. Or something.)

I was going to make a serious post, but that caught me out!
 
It's already been covered, but you don't need a label.

Labels are good starting points, and good shorthand. You might not find a label that fits you. That just means you need to do more communicating.

Even within every labels, there is a great variety of variation.

One painslut might not be anything like that next in what they want/need.

One leather bottom might want something very different from the next.

A Daddy Dom might want to be violent and humiliate His little, while the next might want to nurture and take care of them.

People are individuals, whether they practice BDSM or not.
 
As far as I'm concerned there's no such thing as a "true submissive" or a "true Dominant" or a true anything else. Different people define things differently.

One of my Doms doesn't give me orders or do any bondage, impact play, or anything else of the kind. Doesn't make him not a "true Dom." It just means his Dom streak and his kinks lie in a different area.

I have two Doms. I don't call either of them Sir or any other title at this point. I call them by their names, or, with the one I've been with longer, occasional pet names. Doesn't make me not a "true sub." It just means at this point, I don't have an inclination to call either of them by any honorific, and they haven't asked me to. (Having more than one Dom doesn't make me not a true sub either. It makes me good at time management and juggling relationships.)

Call yourself what you want to call yourself. If you feel submissive, you're submissive, even if you don't do it the stereotypical way. I guarantee you'll find someone who wants to be with you the way you are, whatever you call yourself.
 
To Nezhul's point, I know people who will tell you that DS is Dominance and Struggle, they value the resistance in their sexual relationship.

Personally, BDSM has changed for me both as I grew as a person and based on my playmate. The relationship defines the interest, not the other way around.

Labels only become important when meeting someone new and even then they are less important than honest communication. If, for instance, you cannot imagine using the word Master, refuse to act as a slave, are turned off by a collar and leash, then you are going to be clear about that toma PYL looking for a submissive for a 24/7 relationship. In the end, it's no different than any other aspect of a relationship. If you want seven kids, you should tell a romantic interest up front, just as they should tell you if they want zero.

No labels needed in the later case or the former. Just communication.
 
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Nobody really needs a label, because everybody is different. I enjoy rough sex, but when you really think about it rough sex, doesn't always have anything to do with being submissive. It's simply rough sex. I'm a bit odd myself I don't like submitting to guys. I have always been more attracted to quiet, submissive guys. I'm quiet myself, and when dealing with anybody loud or overly aggressive, i get turned off. And I take off because two dominant people don't mix well, usually.

I always find myself getting guys to listen to me too, but they never get to close because I keep myself busy. I might hook up once in awhile with a guy, but at 32 I still have never liked the idea of marriage, being tied up, or any type of bondage that puts a woman in danger, because guys can be much rougher sometimes, depending on their size. The heart is something I protect very heavily because I know some people like to toy with it. Having a family would be a blessing, but it would have to be with the right guy.

Women are usually better with touch and making rational decisions because they don't have testosterone. Some guys I don't mind leading a store, or country, but inside the bedroom, i'm very hesistant on it. Sense women usually have more boundries during sex, I don't think its always best to leave a guy in charge, unless he knows what the heck he's doing, and you can trust him completely.
 
Nobody really needs a label, because everybody is different. I enjoy rough sex, but when you really think about it rough sex, doesn't always have anything to do with being submissive. It's simply rough sex. I'm a bit odd myself I don't like submitting to guys. I have always been more attracted to quiet, submissive guys. I'm quiet myself, and when dealing with anybody loud or overly aggressive, i get turned off. And I take off because two dominant people don't mix well, usually.

I always find myself getting guys to listen to me too, but they never get to close because I keep myself busy. I might hook up once in awhile with a guy, but at 32 I still have never liked the idea of marriage, being tied up, or any type of bondage that puts a woman in danger, because guys can be much rougher sometimes, depending on their size. The heart is something I protect very heavily because I know some people like to toy with it. Having a family would be a blessing, but it would have to be with the right guy.

Women are usually better with touch and making rational decisions because they don't have testosterone. Some guys I don't mind leading a store, or country, but inside the bedroom, i'm very hesistant on it. Sense women usually have more boundries during sex, I don't think its always best to leave a guy in charge, unless he knows what the heck he's doing, and you can trust him completely.

Trust always goes both ways.
 
OP, why don't you simply go with "bottom"? To me it does not look like (and please correct me if I am wrong) that you are looking for any kind of power exchange. You're looking for fun, kinky sex in which your partner does certain things to you.
Keep away from "trueists", make sure to communicate your desires and limits before playing and you should be fine :)
There are many people around in the scene who focus on s/m without power exchange. I am one of them: I love hurting consenting partners but I am having fun then, I laugh. It's not my place nor my desire to punish them for anything. I only play with people I am enthusiastic about and don't have any current conflicts with. Why should I make up some misbehaviour on their side just to have a reason for some impact play? I just ask whether they're in the mood for some play and we'll both enjoy ourselves.
 
I don't see myself as a true sub, although I have more submissive tendencies than dominant ones. I don't feel the desire to be punished or to call anyone "sir" (actually the thought of this is distasteful to me), but I do think I like to be steered or directed during sex. And I like being spanked... not as punishment, but because it feels kinda good.
I am curious if there is an existing word for this, or if I fall into the general sub category??
I've never likes labels. I consider them to be narrowing and limiting in someone's desire to meet others.

Off the top of my head, it seems like you may be mostly a bottom. A top is someone who enjoys going through the motions of being a dom, but doesn't consider themselves someone who desires or needs someone as a personal submissive. A bottom is someone who enjoys going through the motions of being a submissive, but only for the experience of it, not because he/she is submitting to a dom. You are both basically just doing this to have fun.

I know...I said I hated labels, then I go and give you one. But, there is a time when you need to use labels to explain to people what you enjoy. Just keep in mind that a label is just the starting point in anything. The more you find out about what you want, need and desire you can decide for yourself what kind of label you need.

If you are mostly one type, but sometimes like doing this or that, when the wind blows the right way, that's going to be difficult to pin point. It will also be difficult for others to understand.

Go with the flow and take your time experimenting. Make sure you tell prospective partners what you like and don't like. If mostly a sub, make up a list of hard and soft limits. If you sometimes feel like being a dom, see if you can zero in on when those times are...with certain people, certain situations, or whatever. The more you know about yourself, the better you will be able to find a partner that matches.
 
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Do you need a label?

Yes

I simply must insist on a full disclosure of ingredients before I eat you.

Food allergies suck.

^___^ honestly laughed at that.

I find labels are also good for self-assurance. As everyone has stated, yes, it's a good conversation starter, but for me it was also a moment of "I make SENSE!" I had a pretty sheltered upbringing, so not feeling like a complete freak anymore was a big plus.

As someone also said up there, labels have also changed over the years. Good luck, and if you ever want to talk feel free to message.
 
I completely agree with what _Necrosomantic_ says...NO you do not need a label. Labels are for objects, you are a person. Being a submissive does not mean losing giving up for free will, contrary to some peoples beliefs. Some subs choose to submit to give up their free will as they find it easier to not be the one making any decisions. I personally don't prefer that but BDSM is a lifestyle and I don't pretend to be a person who can tell other people how to live their lives. But even they who choose to give that up, are still CHOOSING to give that up. You don't have to jump through any hoops, make a checklist, or read a book to be a sub, it's a load of shit that people tell themselves AND others and it ends up giving BDSM a bad rep as a whole. And again, like _Necrosomantic_ said, maybe you just like kinky sex...there's NOTHING wrong with that! You don't need to be a sub to have rough sex regardless of which position you enjoy during sex, and if you ARE a sub, you don't HAVE to have rough sex. Dominance/Submission is not about sex. It can include it, but is not dependent on it. It is about a certain type of relationship that cannot be found anywhere else and is a beautiful thing, but don't feel as though you are doing something incorrectly simply because you don't know how to "classify" yourself.
 
Would you know the most humiliating label i've ever worn?

Massage therapist.

even now it is painfully embarrassing when this comes up, because i cannot share this label without going on to share that i am also a failed business entrepreneur. The two have been intrinsically entwined in my life.

I never chose that second label, never particularly wanted to run a business, was certainly never taught how... meanwhile the first label to which I squandered considerable time and energy in my wasted youth no longer really applies.
Do you have any idea how many stressed out people would cut off one of their limbs to have a partner who can give a good massage though?
Hardly a waste!
 
I don't see myself as a true sub, although I have more submissive tendencies than dominant ones. I don't feel the desire to be punished or to call anyone "sir" (actually the thought of this is distasteful to me), but I do think I like to be steered or directed during sex. And I like being spanked... not as punishment, but because it feels kinda good.
I am curious if there is an existing word for this, or if I fall into the general sub category??

There is a difference between the noun submissive and adjective submissive. Just being actively submissive doesn't mean you're a sub. A sub is the submissive of a D/s relationship.

To me, it sounds like you are a kinkster, not a sub. If you are not into the D/s dynamics then I wouldn't used the terms Dom/me or sub to describe yourself. Kinkster is best. It's neutral and gives you room until you know what you really want.

Labels are important to attract certain types online. For example, if you call yourself a sub, you will attract dominants. It's important to note that you never fit a label, a label is just there to orientate people to context/position/type/etc.
 
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