OzoneRed
Daydream Believer
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- Mar 29, 2006
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- 1,544
I don't get it. I must be retarded or something.
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
- Posts
- 30,088
Two rednecks are bass fishing.
One says, "Dale, I done heard you bought your woman a pianner for her birthday."
"Yep. Shore did. But I done convinced her she should play the clarinet instead."
"Wull, why in tarnation did ya do that?"
"She can't sing playin' the clarinet."
One says, "Dale, I done heard you bought your woman a pianner for her birthday."
"Yep. Shore did. But I done convinced her she should play the clarinet instead."
"Wull, why in tarnation did ya do that?"
"She can't sing playin' the clarinet."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Posts
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The Lie detector
Lie Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day
John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that
John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned
home from school over 2 hours late.
'Why are you so late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on a project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really
were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around and slapped him, knocking him off his chair again.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a resounding whack!
Marsha doubled over laughing; almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever
ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your
son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair.
Lie Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day
John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that
John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned
home from school over 2 hours late.
'Why are you so late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on a project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really
were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around and slapped him, knocking him off his chair again.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a resounding whack!
Marsha doubled over laughing; almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever
ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your
son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
An awful mix-up
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,"Hello."
Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Dr, Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday,
a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's,and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,"Hello."
Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Dr, Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday,
a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's,and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Childbirth @ 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the n ew baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wai t until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!!
With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the n ew baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wai t until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
White Lie Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this,
especially all of those who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies'
Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after
rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix &
quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her
son pack for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped
flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh
dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit
in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So,
being inventive, she looked around the house for something to
build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of t oilet paper. She
plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the
finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and
head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some
money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the
moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,
perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone
and called her mom.
Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would
know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked
about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thi
nking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think
about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower
at the home of a fe llow church member and try to have a good
time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a
snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice
because she was a single parent and not from the founding
families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't
think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
South and, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was
presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it,
but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said,
'What a beautiful cake!'
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I
baked it myself.'
Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this,
especially all of those who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies'
Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after
rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix &
quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her
son pack for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped
flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh
dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit
in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So,
being inventive, she looked around the house for something to
build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of t oilet paper. She
plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the
finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and
head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some
money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the
moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,
perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone
and called her mom.
Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would
know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked
about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thi
nking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think
about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower
at the home of a fe llow church member and try to have a good
time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a
snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice
because she was a single parent and not from the founding
families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't
think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
South and, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was
presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it,
but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said,
'What a beautiful cake!'
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I
baked it myself.'
Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Hallmark Store...Greeting Cards...
Hallmark Store...Greeting Cards...Dysfunctional Section
These can be found in the back of the store!
For the ones we love...
I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that
you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - ...I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - ...I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - ...that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - ...will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably
need it again.
Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - ..someone other than you.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - ...almost lifelike!
When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - ..now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your
promise.
We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - ...what do you say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - ...It's almost like you're still here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - ..Did you ever find out who the father was?
You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - ...I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - ...So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)
Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but
wonder...
(Inside card) - .What was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - .Too bad no one likes your husband.
Hallmark Store...Greeting Cards...Dysfunctional Section
These can be found in the back of the store!
For the ones we love...
I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that
you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - ...I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - ...I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - ...that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - ...will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably
need it again.
Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - ..someone other than you.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - ...almost lifelike!
When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - ..now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your
promise.
We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - ...what do you say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - ...It's almost like you're still here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - ..Did you ever find out who the father was?
You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - ...I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - ...So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)
Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but
wonder...
(Inside card) - .What was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - .Too bad no one likes your husband.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Riddle
Here is an old riddle I learned as a kid.
If a bra is an upper topper flopper stopper
or an over the shoulder boluder holder
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker
and gold toilet paper is super duper pooper scooper,
What's is a punch drunk Japanese boxer, who's father has diarrhea?
(I thought about posting the answer later but decided against it.)
He's a slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy.
Here is an old riddle I learned as a kid.
If a bra is an upper topper flopper stopper
or an over the shoulder boluder holder
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker
and gold toilet paper is super duper pooper scooper,
What's is a punch drunk Japanese boxer, who's father has diarrhea?
(I thought about posting the answer later but decided against it.)
He's a slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy.
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into ! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; yo u TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into ! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; yo u TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
G
Guest
Guest
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
George Carlin on staying young
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, lon g and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it' s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the momen ts that take our breath away.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, lon g and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it' s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the momen ts that take our breath away.
G
Guest
Guest
SeaCat
Hey, my Halo is smoking
- Joined
- Sep 23, 2003
- Posts
- 15,378
CopyCarver
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2005
- Posts
- 1,644
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he evaded security, stole the paintings, and attempted to make his getaway, but he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a moronic error, he replied, “Monsieur, this is the reason I stole the paintings:
I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh."
See if you have De Gaulle to tell this joke to someone else.
I sent it to you because I had nothing Toulouse
After careful planning, he evaded security, stole the paintings, and attempted to make his getaway, but he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a moronic error, he replied, “Monsieur, this is the reason I stole the paintings:
I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh."
See if you have De Gaulle to tell this joke to someone else.
I sent it to you because I had nothing Toulouse
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Twenty-nine Lines To Make You Smile
1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2 I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3 Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5 Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6 You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9 I'm not a complete idiot -- there are some parts missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11 NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12 God must love stupid people; he made so many.
13 The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14 Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16 Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!
19 I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22 Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23 They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24 He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25 A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26 Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27 The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28 The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29 I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2 I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3 Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5 Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6 You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9 I'm not a complete idiot -- there are some parts missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11 NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12 God must love stupid people; he made so many.
13 The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14 Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16 Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!
19 I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22 Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23 They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24 He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25 A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26 Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27 The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28 The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29 I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
dearc
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2008
- Posts
- 15,505
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender brings him the drink the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a one foot tall person and a small piano. The little person begins playing the piano. The bartender is amazed and asks “Where did you get him?”
“From my genie.” The patron replies. “I found this lamp and the genie granted me my wish”
The bartender say “Let me try it.” He rubs the lamp and says “I want a million bucks.”
Nothing happens but there is suddenly a big commotion outside. The bartender runs to see what the problem is. He comes back covered with feathers and screams “I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks!”
The patron says “Do you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
“From my genie.” The patron replies. “I found this lamp and the genie granted me my wish”
The bartender say “Let me try it.” He rubs the lamp and says “I want a million bucks.”
Nothing happens but there is suddenly a big commotion outside. The bartender runs to see what the problem is. He comes back covered with feathers and screams “I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks!”
The patron says “Do you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
only_more_so
Man
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2005
- Posts
- 2,678
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch!
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A rope walks into a bar, the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes here!" and kicks him out. The rope goes into the alley next to the bar, ties himself up and unravels both ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey aren't you that rope that tried to come in here?" The rope says, "No, I'm a fraied knot."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for ten shots of the strongest stuff he has. The bartender lines them up, and the guy starts pounding the shots. When he's done the bartender asks, "So, what's the occasion?" The guy says, "My first blowjob." The bartender pours another shot and says, "Congrats, this one's on me." The guy says, "Look, if ten shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't either."
A man walks into a bar and after every drink he looks into his shirt pocket. The bartender eventually gets curious and asks the guy what he's doing. "It's time to go home when the picture of my wife starts looking good."
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, the bartender says, "What is this some kind of a joke?"
A grizzly walks into a bar in Idaho and asks for a shot of whiskey. The bartender says, "We don't serve bears in Boise."
The bear says, "How about just a beer?"
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in Boise."
The bear says, "Give me a bear or I'll eat that woman over there."
The bartender says, "We definitely don't serve beers to beligerant bears in Boise."
The bear eats the woman and says, "I warned you, now give me a beer."
The bartender says, "We don't serve drug users."
The bear says, "huhn?"
The bartender says, "That was the bar bitch you 'et"
Ouch!
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A rope walks into a bar, the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes here!" and kicks him out. The rope goes into the alley next to the bar, ties himself up and unravels both ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey aren't you that rope that tried to come in here?" The rope says, "No, I'm a fraied knot."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for ten shots of the strongest stuff he has. The bartender lines them up, and the guy starts pounding the shots. When he's done the bartender asks, "So, what's the occasion?" The guy says, "My first blowjob." The bartender pours another shot and says, "Congrats, this one's on me." The guy says, "Look, if ten shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't either."
A man walks into a bar and after every drink he looks into his shirt pocket. The bartender eventually gets curious and asks the guy what he's doing. "It's time to go home when the picture of my wife starts looking good."
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, the bartender says, "What is this some kind of a joke?"
A grizzly walks into a bar in Idaho and asks for a shot of whiskey. The bartender says, "We don't serve bears in Boise."
The bear says, "How about just a beer?"
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to bears in Boise."
The bear says, "Give me a bear or I'll eat that woman over there."
The bartender says, "We definitely don't serve beers to beligerant bears in Boise."
The bear eats the woman and says, "I warned you, now give me a beer."
The bartender says, "We don't serve drug users."
The bear says, "huhn?"
The bartender says, "That was the bar bitch you 'et"
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
- Posts
- 30,088
Luther and Lurleen are on their honeymoon, headed for a hotel in Little Rock.
Lurleen's wearing a short skirt and Luther can't resist running his hand up her thigh.
Lurleen says,"We're married now Luther, you can go farther."
So he drove to Nashville.
Lurleen's wearing a short skirt and Luther can't resist running his hand up her thigh.
Lurleen says,"We're married now Luther, you can go farther."
So he drove to Nashville.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A story
DG
Hey T: I think you should write a story about this couple. It seems like it would be great in humor.Luther and Lurleen are on their honeymoon, headed for a hotel in Little Rock.
Lurleen's wearing a short skirt and Luther can't resist running his hand up her thigh.
Lurleen says,"We're married now Luther, you can go farther."
So he drove to Nashville.
DG
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
- Posts
- 30,088
Great names too. Luther and Lurleen.
Thanks! I just may do that very thing. Prolly be in the 'Incest/Taboo' cat.
Like Jeff Foxworthy says: "You know you're a redneck when you go to a family reunion to cruise for chicks."
- Status
