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Why is being new bad?

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Divinewind57

Virgin
Joined
Jan 6, 2015
Posts
17
Ive been messing around on sites like fetlife trying to meet and talk to people. the converstion always turns to how much experiance you have and the sec i say that im new "boom" conversation over. Guess being news a bad thing and a few people have even told me that i should lie about it when asked. Well im calling bullshit. Im new, so waht? everybody was new once. So why is being new like having canser?
 
Divinewind57 said:
Ive been messing around on sites like fetlife trying to meet and talk to people. the converstion always turns to how much experiance you have and the sec i say that im new "boom" conversation over. Guess being news a bad thing and a few people have even told me that i should lie about it when asked. Well im calling bullshit. Im new, so waht? everybody was new once. So why is being new like having canser?
Click to expand...

Being new isn't bad. Some people prefer someone with experience. I don't know what you talk to them about or what the eventual plans are, but a lot of things that fall under the BDSM umbrella can be very dangerous, many feel safer with someone that has already gathered some skills.

I suggest looking for local groups. They often have munches and events centered on new comers to help you meet people and learn new things. You'll probably have better chances that way. Take the time to do research and really gain some mental insight into what if is you want to do.
 
Because the safety police have convinced a lot of submissive/bottom types that anyone who wasn't born from a lightning bolt of dominance, with all the knowledge and power of kink hard-wired into their brain from birth... is dangerous.

<insert creepy dramatic music here>

The argument goes that "what we do" is dangerous, risky, edgy stuff that requires years and years and years of study, to "play safe". Can it be dangerous, risky and edgy? Yep. Is some stuff the sort of thing that yes, you want to know WTF it is you're doing? Yep

But every time the "ZOMG Dominant/Top with no experience!" thing comes out to play, I wonder

* Why someone needs years of experience to understand consent?

* Why does one need years of experience, to tell a submissive/bottom type how they like their coffee, or how to run errands?

* Why does a dominant/top type need years of experience to learn how to grab hair or spank an ass?

Now, if one wants to run about doing electrical play, or suspension, or interrogation scenes (including water boarding/etc)... yeah; as the person being done unto, I'd prefer that stuff be done by someone with a hell of a lot of study and experience.

But your average run of the mill boy+girl, boy+boy, girl+girl, everyone+everyone sexual and relationship exploration stuff? That's how "newbies" gain experience. If everyone gets so hung up on "experience" that they won't even consider investing in someone without a 3 foot long resume... how is the "newbie" ever supposed to get experienced enough to play safely in the deep end of the pool? :confused:
 
CutieMouse said:
Because the safety police have convinced a lot of submissive/bottom types that anyone who wasn't born from a lightning bolt of dominance, with all the knowledge and power of kink hard-wired into their brain from birth... is dangerous.

<insert creepy dramatic music here>

The argument goes that "what we do" is dangerous, risky, edgy stuff that requires years and years and years of study, to "play safe". Can it be dangerous, risky and edgy? Yep. Is some stuff the sort of thing that yes, you want to know WTF it is you're doing? Yep

But every time the "ZOMG Dominant/Top with no experience!" thing comes out to play, I wonder

* Why someone needs years of experience to understand consent?

* Why does one need years of experience, to tell a submissive/bottom type how they like their coffee, or how to run errands?

* Why does a dominant/top type need years of experience to learn how to grab hair or spank an ass?

Now, if one wants to run about doing electrical play, or suspension, or interrogation scenes (including water boarding/etc)... yeah; as the person being done unto, I'd prefer that stuff be done by someone with a hell of a lot of study and experience.

But your average run of the mill boy+girl, boy+boy, girl+girl, everyone+everyone sexual and relationship exploration stuff? That's how "newbies" gain experience. If everyone gets so hung up on "experience" that they won't even consider investing in someone without a 3 foot long resume... how is the "newbie" ever supposed to get experienced enough to play safely in the deep end of the pool? :confused:
Click to expand...

Exactly! Thank you!
 
Being new definitely ins't a bad thing. But without the chance to grow in experience through social interaction, be it with other beginners or people who have been on the scene for a long time, it makes it difficult to reach that confident level where you become more experienced. I believe, however, that you will find your place :)
 
There is nothing wrong with being new to this. There is something wrong with being new to this and running your mouth like you know it all.

There is nothing wrong with being a new Top. There is something wrong with being a new Top who won't listen when people try to share their wisdom and knowledge, earned through experience.

There is nothing wrong with being a new bottom. There is something wrong with being a new bottom who thinks Tops are mind readers and know everything just because they are Tops.

The first time I went anywhere to do anything, I was learning fireplay. Screw the hair pullling and spanky-spanky stuff I jumped in the deep end feet first. That was over 16 years ago. Always a student, sometimes a teacher, I'm still listening, still learning, and still don't have all the answers. Don't overstate your experience, be honest. Because if you lie about it, someone will find out and call you on it, and you'll be stuck with the LIAR! reputation for a very, long time.
 
Good advice

MeekMe said:
Being new isn't bad. Some people prefer someone with experience. I don't know what you talk to them about or what the eventual plans are, but a lot of things that fall under the BDSM umbrella can be very dangerous, many feel safer with someone that has already gathered some skills.

I suggest looking for local groups. They often have munches and events centered on new comers to help you meet people and learn new things. You'll probably have better chances that way. Take the time to do research and really gain some mental insight into what if is you want to do.
Click to expand...

I am currently looking into groups and events in my area and have plans to attend one such event at the end of this month. I am aware that "bdsm" is a very general term that can apply to a lot of things. To be a little more specific, Ive been talking to people about being tied up, mainly with rope, so i guess it would be "rope play", i hope thats the right term. Im not sure how to explain this right but some of the wqys ive seen people use ropes struck me as one of the most beutiful things i have ever seen and is what i want to learn how to do, safely. The last thing i want to do is hurt someone through my own ignorance.
 
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Good point

Evil_Geoff said:
There is nothing wrong with being new to this. There is something wrong with being new to this and running your mouth like you know it all.

There is nothing wrong with being a new Top. There is something wrong with being a new Top who won't listen when people try to share their wisdom and knowledge, earned through experience.

There is nothing wrong with being a new bottom. There is something wrong with being a new bottom who thinks Tops are mind readers and know everything just because they are Tops.

The first time I went anywhere to do anything, I was learning fireplay. Screw the hair pullling and spanky-spanky stuff I jumped in the deep end feet first. That was over 16 years ago. Always a student, sometimes a teacher, I'm still listening, still learning, and still don't have all the answers. Don't overstate your experience, be honest. Because if you lie about it, someone will find out and call you on it, and you'll be stuck with the LIAR! reputation for a very, long time.
Click to expand...

It isnt my intention to run my mouth or in anyway act like i know everything. I would rauther be shot down for being honest than make a fool of myself pretending i know things i dont. What you said about being stuck with a liar reputation is the one of the reasons i have been completely honest about my level of experiance with anyone and everyone i talk to. Also i am trying to go very slowly, take my time and learn everything i can from people that, unlike me, have experiance and no what they are talking about.
 
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Divinewind57 said:
It wasnt my intention to run my mouth ....
Click to expand...

I don't think it was being suggested that you were running your mouth etc. I think those were just examples of what to do and not to do. I'd say you're on the right track by being honest and asking questions. It may take a few tries, but you'll eventually connect with the right person or people. Going to an event is a great way to start out. That's how I got my start. It was one of the most awesome experiences of my life.
 
Thanks to all and a question

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I understand that many of you have been in the life for a long time there is somthing id like to ask you. I absolutly love what people can do with ropes. some of the ways ive seen people tied up are nothing short of works of art in my opinion and want to learn how to do things like that. While im sure there are books out there that would teach me some of what i want to know i dont belive that would teach me how to do so safely. I intend to find someone teach me but i also think it maybe a good idea to not only learn from someone with experiance but to also be tied in some of the ways i want to do to others. I just think that experiancing it myself would help me to learn what not to do.

So my question is does anybody think this is a good idea or am i wasting my time over thinking things?
 
mrron said:
I don't think it was being suggested that you were running your mouth etc. I think those were just examples of what to do and not to do. I'd say you're on the right track by being honest and asking questions. It may take a few tries, but you'll eventually connect with the right person or people. Going to an event is a great way to start out. That's how I got my start. It was one of the most awesome experiences of my life.
Click to expand...

I didnt think it was being suggested either and i guess i should have worded my responce differntly.
 
Divinewind57 said:
Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I understand that many of you have been in the life for a long time there is somthing id like to ask you. I absolutly love what people can do with ropes. some of the ways ive seen people tied up are nothing short of works of art in my opinion and want to learn how to do things like that. While im sure there are books out there that would teach me some of what i want to know i dont belive that would teach me how to do so safely. I intend to find someone teach me but i also think it maybe a good idea to not only learn from someone with experiance but to also be tied in some of the ways i want to do to others. I just think that experiancing it myself would help me to learn what not to do.

So my question is does anybody think this is a good idea or am i wasting my time over thinking things?
Click to expand...

It's a great idea!! Being on the receiving end can give you insights that can help you make the experience more rewarding for your bottom when the time comes.
Also, if you haven't found it yet, you might like Knotty Boys sight. hope you enjoy :)
 
Divinewind57 said:
Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I understand that many of you have been in the life for a long time there is somthing id like to ask you. I absolutly love what people can do with ropes. some of the ways ive seen people tied up are nothing short of works of art in my opinion and want to learn how to do things like that. While im sure there are books out there that would teach me some of what i want to know i dont belive that would teach me how to do so safely. I intend to find someone teach me but i also think it maybe a good idea to not only learn from someone with experiance but to also be tied in some of the ways i want to do to others. I just think that experiancing it myself would help me to learn what not to do.

So my question is does anybody think this is a good idea or am i wasting my time over thinking things?
Click to expand...

Books, articles, and websites are all a great place to start. Most resources for beginners will touch on safety and usually have diagrams of places that are safe for rope, and areas that you should avoid either laying rope or placing a knot. Click here for a simple resource.

You can look up some self bondage tutorials for rope and get a feel for it. Though, working on yourself and working on someone else feels very different. I understand why someone would want an experienced rope top, though. It's a skill that takes a lot of patience and practice if you go anywhere beyond basic two column ties.

Getting someone that knows what they're doing to tie you up and show you how it's done is a great idea. Good luck and stay safe.
 
The people here are very welcoming! I'm new as well and everyone on this site has welcomed me with open arms.
They've also answered any questions I have had. So don't be shy to ask!
Welcome and I hope you enjoy it here!
 
moon_spirit said:
The people here are very welcoming! I'm new as well and everyone on this site has welcomed me with open arms.
They've also answered any questions I have had. So don't be shy to ask!
Welcome and I hope you enjoy it here!
Click to expand...

Hello Moon Spirit

Its nice to hear from sombody whos new like me. You are very right. The people here have been very welcoming to me as well, more welcoming than i had any right to expect. I never thought i would find a group people like this. People who are so willing to answer any questions i might have and offer advice or just encouragement when thats what i need. Ill never be able to thank the people here enough for the kindness they have shown. I hope your experiance here continues to be a good one. Have fun
 
MeekMe said:
Books, articles, and websites are all a great place to start. Most resources for beginners will touch on safety and usually have diagrams of places that are safe for rope, and areas that you should avoid either laying rope or placing a knot. Click here for a simple resource.

You can look up some self bondage tutorials for rope and get a feel for it. Though, working on yourself and working on someone else feels very different. I understand why someone would want an experienced rope top, though. It's a skill that takes a lot of patience and practice if you go anywhere beyond basic two column ties.

Getting someone that knows what they're doing to tie you up and show you how it's done is a great idea. Good luck and stay safe.
Click to expand...

Thanks for posting the link. It has been very helpful and i have been practicing on myself a lot lately. I have also heard about a local group that gets togher every other month and am planning to attend their next event. Hopefully i will meet someone there who is willing to show me the ropes so to speak. Wish me luck everybody
 
Industrial_Bondage said:
I think it is a fabulous idea!

If you can find a local group, showing this sort of commitment to learning the hard skills -I really had to work at not saying "learning the ropes"- will go a long way. It will show the gatekeepers that you are serious and not one of the archetypes we've become jaded against.

On that topic, some potentially worthless advice about groups, from my experience.
Like any social group, if it's large enough, there will be cliques. Expect to see some of the following:

(Again, all of this is just my observation of my experience in groups)

1. The matriarch/king and queen: There has always either been a Queen Bee or a couple who are the de-facto, if not the official, leader(s) of the group. If there is a private play space, they will often own it. More often than not, they see themselves as the protectors of the rest.

2. The Gatekeepers: These are the people who will make or break you. Sometimes they are complete control freaks, utter assholes unworthy of any level of respect. In a bad group, they will be the worst people you meet. In a well matured group, these are the people who will dissuade subs from playing with you without supervision until you have become a known factor to them all. These people will generally make sure that you know who they are.

3. The "To Good for this Shit" set: These are the subs who don't really want to be subs(lots of variety) and the tops who don't want to prove themselves to the group. In at least one group I've been part of these people were a frequently changing set of folks who came and went, never tried to confirm to the expectations of the gatekeepers or the matriarch and generally showed up to just be rude in the corner. They will drop out for a while, then show up out of nowhere when they're otherwise bored. I've seen this set do their best to grab onto new comers before anyone else can. I've watched people fail in the group -fail meaning not fit in- because they let this group sway them.
Click to expand...

I understand the whole king or queen bee thing. Its just human nature for clickes to form whenever people get together. I hope i get the good kind of gatekeepers instead of just assholes, but weather or not the gatekeepers are good or bad at the local group im planning to attend, I have no intention to try playing with any of the subs i may meet there until ive learned alot more and even when i feel that i have learned enough to try playing i will want someone there to stop me when i make a mistake (im human, it will happen) and point out what im doing wrong. I hope that not trying to play with the subs right off doesnt make people think that im just one of those people that are just bored or looking for a laugh. While i do like to take a min to just listen and get a feel for whos who im pretty good (well i thinks so lol) at talking to people and ive always tryed to be a nice respectful type of guy so i can get along with just about anybody. One thing i can say for certian is i wont be one of those people just standing in the corner because i think thats all ive been doing until now
 
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The tl;dr version:

Some people are jerks. Don't let them bother you. Hang out with better people.
 
It's not bad to be new just as long as you are of legal age. People not of legal age I just can't / won't talk to about sex or kink. You never know when "to catch a predator" crap is going on. I'd never do anything wrong but there is a witch hunt mentality about all that.

I was underage and wanting to know stuff once. I get it. If the witch hunt was off, I might be a good sounding board but only that.

That being said, if you are of the age of consent and new, perhaps the people who turn off just don't want to deal with someone who won't cyber with them or whatever? It seems to me that the majority of people on the internet are notoriously lazy and have very short attention spans.

They are there to get what they want NOW. And if you can't / won't provide it they move on to someone they project will.

I can't even begin to count the number of people who assumed in real life or on the web that I was X and would do Y for them despite me clearly telling them I would not and was not verbally or in text. People be cray okay?

The happy part of this is they are self selecting themselves out. You don't need their kind anyway. So it's actually a win / win if you look at it that way rather than a frustration.

:rose:

Divinewind57 said:
Ive been messing around on sites like fetlife trying to meet and talk to people. the converstion always turns to how much experiance you have and the sec i say that im new "boom" conversation over. Guess being news a bad thing and a few people have even told me that i should lie about it when asked. Well im calling bullshit. Im new, so waht? everybody was new once. So why is being new like having canser?
Click to expand...
 
A lot of people don't recommend saying how long you've been in the community because it potentially opens up the doors for predators to take advantage of someone else. This is why saying how long you've been in the community is discouraged in a lot of BDSM groups.
 
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