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Timben

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Dec 15, 2016
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Not rightly sure how to ask my question. Guess I'll start typing and when I get to it, I'll inform you. It's rather embarrassing and awkward. I'm 39-year-old married guy, who has a very unusual, sex life. I cannot stress this more. I was never sexually educated when I was younger. I used pornography as a sort of "guide".

Which has left me with many, unanswered questions, questions that anybody, without the exception of me of course, should know? Things like, what does foreplay involve besides kissing and caressing? How long am I expected to be down between my wife's legs? Why do I not get excited when I’m touching her, or why oral sex and manual stimulations' are so fascinating to me? It is not related to my wife, she finds having intercourse enjoyable, I do not. So the problem does not apply to her.

My wife like so many has occasionally performed Fellatio. I have heard so many guys, reading from forums that is, how much enjoyment they have from this. I do not. Mainly because I can't keep an erection when she does this. Weird, right? Nor can I ejaculate when this occurs. What is the right response? All I do is stare at her like she is doing something wrong. I've tried several times to shut my eyes, you know like they do in "dirty movies", but still I can't find any enjoyment of this. I have told her how this has occurred prior to being married. Same problem. It's like some kind of sexual block. And no I have never been sexually abused. There are a lot of sexual activities I do not enjoy, for example, when she performs an oral sexual act by (allowing) me to insert my testicles into her mouth. It is painful. Also, whenever I get an erection, my penis will swell and begin to pulsate very tensely. When this happens, it's indescribably painful. Do you have every reason to believe that sexual blockage would cause this kind of issue? What has gotten into me?

I see three therapists - an LPC-MHSP, an LMFT and a PMHNP-BC. And that's not counting my regular medical doctor. They are treating me for Anger Issues, Asperger syndrome, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Penis Disorder, Sexual Dysfunction and Suicidal. As for seeing a sex therapist, I haven't found one that lives close by. I know that you could care less about what I have written. Just stating facts nothing more.

My situation is quite complicated, to say the least. I know you don't believe me. I have no reason to lie. When it came to sex and masturbation, I was mortified, when I was younger. Stated that it was wrong and nasty. That was just the tip of the iceberg sort of speak.

I can't talk to my wife, if I could, I wouldn't be present on this forum. She and I don't communicate very well. She is a very strong independent woman... she has told me years ago, I have never forgotten it -- "I've already raised one boy. I don't need to raise another." She is well-educated has a bachelor degree. The point is. She doesn't believe that a grown man should be taught about sex. He should already know. She and I are eight years in ages. She is 47. Is it weird, for a man not to like sex?
 
Let me start by saying that I am no expert on anything.

But I do know that few of us were taught how to have sex. And for most guys, much of what they think they do know comes from porno. That seems to be a major complaint I hear from a lot of women.

Me? I did learn a lot from things like Playboy and Penthouse. My dad inherited quite the collection from a guy at work whose wife threatened to leave him if he didn't get rid of them all.

So what I'm saying is that your sexual beginnings are pretty much the norm.

Also keep in mind that there is no one way or right or wrong way to have sex. It doesn't matter how many partners you had in the past. When you have a new partner, it's like starting over again. You have to figure out what it is that you like with them and vice versa. For instance, with me, I really liked anal and even a little BDSM stuff (not a lifestyle but an occasional thing) with one guy. But so far with others, that sort of stuff either wasn't enjoyable and didn't even feel right.

You do have a lot going on and any one of those things or a combination thereof, could be the cause. Asperger's syndrome alone could be a big part of it. A lot of people who have it do not enjoy being touched in any way, by anyone. I know a female who has this and she had to get special permission to do something else when they got to the dancing portion of a class she was taking. They were to learn partner dancing and that requires you to in some way touch the other person. The mere thought of this caused extreme anxiety in her and she could not bring herself to do it.

As for the oral sex, some people just don't like it. With me, there was only one guy I could tolerate receiving it from. I know some people feel embarrassed about it or think it's dirty or taboo or some such thing. That was not the case with me. It just felt unpleasant or at best annoying when those guys did it. I got the sense that I was being licked by a dog. Ew.

But the one guy who got me to like it, would go down on me immediately after we'd had intercourse. Now had it been anyone else, I likely would have told him to stop but, he was also the BDSM one, much older than me and had never seemed to fail me with anything else he did. I had complete trust in him and despite my protests, he persisted. It was uncomfortable, even painful for those first few fleeting seconds and then it was heaven!

I can't explain why you would be getting pain with certain things. Yeah, okay, not all men like to have their balls played with. That one is rather easily explained. I can't explain the pain in your penis unless perhaps there is some sort of medical condition that has yet to be ferreted out.

Can you masturbate to climax?

There are a few other possibilities here. One would be that you just aren't sexually attracted to women. I know several men who married women, had children or at least a child and then realized that they really were attracted to men. Please note that I am not saying this is the case here but it is possible. Some men don't even realize that this is the case with them until they are quite advanced in age.

Were you raised in a certain religion? I say this because... Before I was married, my husband really seemed to like sex. But after? He treated it like it was torture. There could be no enjoyment for either person. I had to be fully covered. He could not see my naked body. Lights had to be off. No foreplay for me and only minimal amount for him. Sex was for procreation only.

I spoke to my two SIL's and they said that his brothers were the same way. They thought it had to do with their religion. I won't name the religion as I don't really believe this. My one ex that I mentioned above was the same religion and he certainly loved sex.

It maybe have had to do with some way in which he was raised or the particular church he went to. Even in that one religion, each church can do different things.

Another possibility is that you just plain don't enjoy sex. Some people don't. I saw a TV show some years ago about this. There are various terms depending on your feelings about the matter. Asexual, non-sexual, nonlibidoist are some.

Do you enjoy things like kissing and cuddling? Some people do. Some people can tolerate it and some don't like it at all. I myself am not usually one of those touchy feely type people and in general, if someone gives me a hug, I will tense up and wish they had not. There are some exceptions. I am fine with a romantic partner and certain relatives doing this. Even some friends that I am really close to. But last summer, I hired a young guy to do some work for me and when he was getting ready to leave, he gave me a hug. I was very shocked that I willingly hugged him back and it actually felt good. He still works for me and I still get hugs but not nearly as often as I used to. I can't explain in words what sets his hugs apart from others. But they feel so good, I really don't want them to stop!

I will offer a few suggestions here but they may or may not work for you. Try using some sex toys on your wife. That way you can experiment with different ways of bringing her to orgasm so she won't be deprived of that. You can add in hugging, kissing or whatever kind of touch does feel good to you. But... She may still want to give something back to you.

Also... Just from what you've said here, she doesn't sound like the warm, fuzzy type of person. Does not sound like she is very loving or actually cares for you. Then again, we're all different and I can't expect others to act like I would. But to me, a truly loving person would at least try to be supportive of you, be willing to discuss things and perhaps even work with you to help you to find some sort of solution or solutions.
 
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whats right for one man may be wrong for another

ive had anxiety and depression problems and took efexor for a year 17 yrs ago and it ruined my ability to come and I still find it hard today

I took councelling therapy hypnotism medication
I found what worked for me was to not dwell or focus on my problems but instead just get sidetracked and actively search for things that brightened up my life

sometimes it seemed near impossible to see any light in the depths of darkness
but its there and I found ways to get "into the light"
little mantras i'd use

strange for me, no matter how deeply I got into the vicious circle that depression can form, I still enjoyed pumping sperm into my wifes mouth

I found the only way I could come was to wank with her helping me, squeezing my balls/kissing and she would swallow, I too suffered severe erection failings.

reading your post I cant identify with the penis hurting, I know when I wear cock rings some pain is nice but too much is a turn off. I love the feel of my cock swelled up and about to burst - lol -my rod of iron.

if you want advice and I'm assuming that's why you posted? then you might get loads of wrong possibly harmful advice by people not qualified -such as me:devil:

the biggest weapon against most mental issues imho is to keep and promote your sense of humour, gallows humour if need be, apologies for the pun re your suicidal tendencies)

find something to giggle about
if you have an overactive mind then channel it into making jokey retorts or witty replies

thinking of funny things all the time



and as for enjoying sex focus on what ticks your boxes.
have you considered letting your wife humiliate you or dominate you?
I love my wife pissing on me a couple of times a year but she has to drink about 3 litres of water first to flush out her bladder so basically her pussy becomes a fun water pistol
that way you can drink her piss and it tastes ok
ish
wanking furiously of course

you need to talk to your wife, learn to talk to your wife
calmly humorously sexily
sometimes talking is the best foreplay going
maybe turn the lights off? especially if like mine your wife is ugly:D

there is no right or wrong in sex as long as both parties are enjoyin it (and are old enuff of course)

so no foreplay or 2 hours of foreplay it doesn't matter
just ask your lady what she wants and give it to her
then ask her to do stuff you like

or get her to the brink and play a game denying her?
aim to have fun



do you wank openly in front of her?
I used to get a kick out of creeping up to my lady while she was doing the dishes etc and coming all over her

aint done that for ages I might try it tomorrow

I found Viagra made a lot of my sexual issues/frustrations go away
I only take an 1/8th of a 100mg tablet and it takes 10 mins to work and gives me a rod of iron for a couple of houra so that I can forget about performance anxiety and focus on being filthy

fellatio with a soft cock is no good to anyone, if your blood pressure is ok - mine isn't lol - then get hold of some Viagra and then maybe try and see how far your lady can swallow your cock deep throat
that turns me on
the feeling of her lips at the base of my shaft and the head poking her tonsils
I love making her gag
I feel so masculine and manly punishing this foolish wench with my erect staff kind of thing

but I also love her to bits and would do anything for her

you sound like you have a few issues and best of luck learning to live your life in a way where you can forget about them enuff to enjoy life

focus on feeding that smile on your and your ladies face

hope ive helped in some way
 
Jada59 said:
Let me start by saying that I am no expert on anything.

But I do know that few of us were taught how to have sex. And for most guys, much of what they think they do know comes from porno. That seems to be a major complaint I hear from a lot of women.

Me? I did learn a lot from things like Playboy and Penthouse. My dad inherited quite the collection from a guy at work whose wife threatened to leave him if he didn't get rid of them all.

So what I'm saying is that your sexual beginnings are pretty much the norm.

Also keep in mind that there is no one way or right or wrong way to have sex. It doesn't matter how many partners you had in the past. When you have a new partner, it's like starting over again. You have to figure out what it is that you like with them and vice versa. For instance, with me, I really liked anal and even a little BDSM stuff (not a lifestyle but an occasional thing) with one guy. But so far with others, that sort of stuff either wasn't enjoyable and didn't even feel right.

You do have a lot going on and any one of those things or a combination thereof, could be the cause. Asperger's syndrome alone could be a big part of it. A lot of people who have it do not enjoy being touched in any way, by anyone. I know a female who has this and she had to get special permission to do something else when they got to the dancing portion of a class she was taking. They were to learn partner dancing and that requires you to in some way touch the other person. The mere thought of this caused extreme anxiety in her and she could not bring herself to do it.

As for the oral sex, some people just don't like it. With me, there was only one guy I could tolerate receiving it from. I know some people feel embarrassed about it or think it's dirty or taboo or some such thing. That was not the case with me. It just felt unpleasant or at best annoying when those guys did it. I got the sense that I was being licked by a dog. Ew.

But the one guy who got me to like it, would go down on me immediately after we'd had intercourse. Now had it been anyone else, I likely would have told him to stop but, he was also the BDSM one, much older than me and had never seemed to fail me with anything else he did. I had complete trust in him and despite my protests, he persisted. It was uncomfortable, even painful for those first few fleeting seconds and then it was heaven!

I can't explain why you would be getting pain with certain things. Yeah, okay, not all men like to have their balls played with. That one is rather easily explained. I can't explain the pain in your penis unless perhaps there is some sort of medical condition that has yet to be ferreted out.

Can you masturbate to climax?

There are a few other possibilities here. One would be that you just aren't sexually attracted to women. I know several men who married women, had children or at least a child and then realized that they really were attracted to men. Please note that I am not saying this is the case here but it is possible. Some men don't even realize that this is the case with them until they are quite advanced in age.

Were you raised in a certain religion? I say this because... Before I was married, my husband really seemed to like sex. But after? He treated it like it was torture. There could be no enjoyment for either person. I had to be fully covered. He could not see my naked body. Lights had to be off. No foreplay for me and only minimal amount for him. Sex was for procreation only.

I spoke to my two SIL's and they said that his brothers were the same way. They thought it had to do with their religion. I won't name the religion as I don't really believe this. My one ex that I mentioned above was the same religion and he certainly loved sex.

It maybe have had to do with some way in which he was raised or the particular church he went to. Even in that one religion, each church can do different things.

Another possibility is that you just plain don't enjoy sex. Some people don't. I saw a TV show some years ago about this. There are various terms depending on your feelings about the matter. Asexual, non-sexual, nonlibidoist are some.

Do you enjoy things like kissing and cuddling? Some people do. Some people can tolerate it and some don't like it at all. I myself am not usually one of those touchy feely type people and in general, if someone gives me a hug, I will tense up and wish they had not. There are some exceptions. I am fine with a romantic partner and certain relatives doing this. Even some friends that I am really close to. But last summer, I hired a young guy to do some work for me and when he was getting ready to leave, he gave me a hug. I was very shocked that I willingly hugged him back and it actually felt good. He still works for me and I still get hugs but not nearly as often as I used to. I can't explain in words what sets his hugs apart from others. But they feel so good, I really don't want them to stop!

I will offer a few suggestions here but they may or may not work for you. Try using some sex toys on your wife. That way you can experiment with different ways of bringing her to orgasm so she won't be deprived of that. You can add in hugging, kissing or whatever kind of touch does feel good to you. But... She may still want to give something back to you.

Also... Just from what you've said here, she doesn't sound like the warm, fuzzy type of person. Does not sound like she is very loving or actually cares for you. Then again, we're all different and I can't expect others to act like I would. But to me, a truly loving person would at least try to be supportive of you, be willing to discuss things and perhaps even work with you to help you to find some sort of solution or solutions.
Click to expand...


Can you masturbate to climax? A: Yes.
I have no bigotry bone in my body. I just try to show the utmost respect for everybody. I am not gay, because I don't find men attractive. I have never been with a man. Nor have I ever had the desire to ever wanna be with one.

Were you raised in a certain religion?
A: As for raised in a certain religion, no. Like most folks, parents wanted me to attend the local Free Will Baptist church. I see where you're going with that. My wife has told my therapists, that she has the be the one who instigates sex. I have tried to instigate it, I really do. However,... it just doesn't work for me. My wife has asked me to play with her. You-know.. her vagina. Which I do. I do not get excited by this. Other words, I do not obtain an erection. I guess you're right. I just plain don't like sex.

Do you enjoy things like kissing and cuddling?
A: Yes, kissing and cuddling don't bother me. However, I don't care for french kissing. Just never did like it. My wife bought a sex toy once, but she was willing to use it on me. No. I'm don't like that stuff. I did, however, did get a little embarrassed and a little angry towards her. I wasn't looking to take that apart away from her. If she wants to use it. That's fine. I just don't want that thing near me. Whatever it was, it was shaped like a penis. It was purple in color and it vibrated. That is all I know.

Well, technically she isn't. She is a no-nonsense kinda woman. Extremely independent. I understand and I thank you for the time to discuss this with me. I'm not looking to seek another wife. I have no desire to cheat on my wife. I'm not "playing the field" or whatever it's called. And I also know that you were not saying that. It was just some information that thought you ought to know.
 
aljolson69 said:
whats right for one man may be wrong for another

ive had anxiety and depression problems and took efexor for a year 17 yrs ago and it ruined my ability to come and I still find it hard today

I took councelling therapy hypnotism medication
I found what worked for me was to not dwell or focus on my problems but instead just get sidetracked and actively search for things that brightened up my life

sometimes it seemed near impossible to see any light in the depths of darkness
but its there and I found ways to get "into the light"
little mantras i'd use

strange for me, no matter how deeply I got into the vicious circle that depression can form, I still enjoyed pumping sperm into my wifes mouth

I found the only way I could come was to wank with her helping me, squeezing my balls/kissing and she would swallow, I too suffered severe erection failings.

reading your post I cant identify with the penis hurting, I know when I wear cock rings some pain is nice but too much is a turn off. I love the feel of my cock swelled up and about to burst - lol -my rod of iron.

if you want advice and I'm assuming that's why you posted? then you might get loads of wrong possibly harmful advice by people not qualified -such as me:devil:

the biggest weapon against most mental issues imho is to keep and promote your sense of humour, gallows humour if need be, apologies for the pun re your suicidal tendencies)

find something to giggle about
if you have an overactive mind then channel it into making jokey retorts or witty replies

thinking of funny things all the time



and as for enjoying sex focus on what ticks your boxes.
have you considered letting your wife humiliate you or dominate you?
I love my wife pissing on me a couple of times a year but she has to drink about 3 litres of water first to flush out her bladder so basically her pussy becomes a fun water pistol
that way you can drink her piss and it tastes ok
ish
wanking furiously of course

you need to talk to your wife, learn to talk to your wife
calmly humorously sexily
sometimes talking is the best foreplay going
maybe turn the lights off? especially if like mine your wife is ugly:D

there is no right or wrong in sex as long as both parties are enjoyin it (and are old enuff of course)

so no foreplay or 2 hours of foreplay it doesn't matter
just ask your lady what she wants and give it to her
then ask her to do stuff you like

or get her to the brink and play a game denying her?
aim to have fun



do you wank openly in front of her?
I used to get a kick out of creeping up to my lady while she was doing the dishes etc and coming all over her

aint done that for ages I might try it tomorrow

I found Viagra made a lot of my sexual issues/frustrations go away
I only take an 1/8th of a 100mg tablet and it takes 10 mins to work and gives me a rod of iron for a couple of houra so that I can forget about performance anxiety and focus on being filthy

fellatio with a soft cock is no good to anyone, if your blood pressure is ok - mine isn't lol - then get hold of some Viagra and then maybe try and see how far your lady can swallow your cock deep throat
that turns me on
the feeling of her lips at the base of my shaft and the head poking her tonsils
I love making her gag
I feel so masculine and manly punishing this foolish wench with my erect staff kind of thing

but I also love her to bits and would do anything for her

you sound like you have a few issues and best of luck learning to live your life in a way where you can forget about them enuff to enjoy life

focus on feeding that smile on your and your ladies face

hope ive helped in some way
Click to expand...

Have you considered letting your wife humiliate you or dominate you?

A: No thank you. I have had enough humiliation in my life doesn't need my wife to do that as well.

I do turn the light off, has nothing to do with my wife being unattractive or not. I've always slept in the dark. Fact, she insists that before we turn in, she informs me to make sure I turn the light off. I am on Effexor 225 is my dosage. And I've taken Viagra, and sorry, it does not function on me. I know, because I tried again. The pharmacy gave me six pills (couldn't afford the rest of it), had to pay $208. I have eleven refills on it. All it did for me, was caused me to have a headache, and make my face flush. That was all. Supposed to be cut it in half. I swallow it whole. Nothing happened. Then I decided to take advantage of two. Still nothing. Took three and still nothing. So I threw the rest away. As I said, nothing happened. Oblige for taking the time to reply to my post.
 
Timben said:
Can you masturbate to climax? A: Yes.
I have no bigotry bone in my body. I just try to show the utmost respect for everybody. I am not gay, because I don't find men attractive. I have never been with a man. Nor have I ever had the desire to ever wanna be with one.

Were you raised in a certain religion?
A: As for raised in a certain religion, no. Like most folks, parents wanted me to attend the local Free Will Baptist church. I see where you're going with that. My wife has told my therapists, that she has the be the one who instigates sex. I have tried to instigate it, I really do. However,... it just doesn't work for me. My wife has asked me to play with her. You-know.. her vagina. Which I do. I do not get excited by this. Other words, I do not obtain an erection. I guess you're right. I just plain don't like sex.

Do you enjoy things like kissing and cuddling?
A: Yes, kissing and cuddling don't bother me. However, I don't care for french kissing. Just never did like it. My wife bought a sex toy once, but she was willing to use it on me. No. I'm don't like that stuff. I did, however, did get a little embarrassed and a little angry towards her. I wasn't looking to take that apart away from her. If she wants to use it. That's fine. I just don't want that thing near me. Whatever it was, it was shaped like a penis. It was purple in color and it vibrated. That is all I know.

Well, technically she isn't. She is a no-nonsense kinda woman. Extremely independent. I understand and I thank you for the time to discuss this with me. I'm not looking to seek another wife. I have no desire to cheat on my wife. I'm not "playing the field" or whatever it's called. And I also know that you were not saying that. It was just some information that thought you ought to know.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your answers. This sounds like a tough one. Would she be willing to try couples therapy? We tried it but got nowhere. Ex had the nerve to say that sex was the problem. When I began to open my mouth, he shut me up and immediately said it was no problem and changed the subject. It was actually a *big* problem for me but I tend to at least try to address problems while he prefers to ignore them.
 
Jada59 said:
Thanks for your answers. This sounds like a tough one. Would she be willing to try couples therapy? We tried it but got nowhere. Ex had the nerve to say that sex was the problem. When I began to open my mouth, he shut me up and immediately said it was no problem and changed the subject. It was actually a *big* problem for me but I tend to at least try to address problems while he prefers to ignore them.
Click to expand...

I'm actually, looking for a sex therapist at the moment in my state. But as for her going, I seriously doubt it. I'm sorry about your experience with your ex through all that you went through. Anyway, I just wanna say oblige for the conversation. I really do appreciate what you have advised. And I will definitely will be looking into therapy in the coming week. Their has got to be someone out there to help me to figure this all out.
 
Timben said:
I'm actually, looking for a sex therapist at the moment in my state. But as for her going, I seriously doubt it. I'm sorry about your experience with your ex through all that you went through. Anyway, I just wanna say oblige for the conversation. I really do appreciate what you have advised. And I will definitely will be looking into therapy in the coming week. Their has got to be someone out there to help me to figure this all out.
Click to expand...

Thanks and good luck to you!
 
Timben said:
Asperger syndrome, Generalized Anxiety Disorder...

I can't talk to my wife, if I could, I wouldn't be present on this forum. She and I don't communicate very well.
Click to expand...

maybe you can help her understand Asperger syndrome and anxiety issues. Perhaps through written material or her seeking advice from the professionals you seek help from. Maybe she can have some time with these people on her own so she can ask questions freely.

In your own words you both have communication issues in regard to each other. I suggest there needs to be compromise and understanding from both. Perhaps make that a journey shared. Look around the corners, while holding hands, to see what is there.

"She is well-educated has a bachelor degree" yet from what you have written she does not display a great understanding of how to communicate with someone who has Asperger syndrome. I also appreciate what people say is normal or "you just should..." may not make much sense to you as your levels of empathy could be different than hers or different for which she expects. Your sensory perceptions may well be different, but that does not make them wrong just makes you who you are. You may look to embrace that, finding the boundaries and playing with the edges.

Now you must have rocked her world (positively) at some stage by the very nature of being married. I am also assuming your Asperger syndrome and anxiety issues were well in place long before she came along, so there must have been just that something about you she was highly attracted to. Asperger syndrome sometimes offers individuality, creativity, thought processing quite different than "normal" leading to high achievement in areas where the normals find difficult. Perhaps she needs to be reintroduced to that side of you again - the side she thought special about you and decided that marrying you was a cool thing to do.

Perhaps this is not really a sexual disorder but more of a communication issue. You both need to have a refresher course on communicating with each other. Learning to trust each other again and respect that you both will approach things from different sets of emotions. You have connected in a very special way before - you are married, so this special connection place obviously can exist.

As for sex, rather than thinking "I'm not gaining much from this" try to turn it more into "what can I give". Focus more of your attention on providing. Gauge your success on this from how your wife responds and pay very close attention to that. You may gain far more satisfaction from sex in seeing a contented partner. As for how do you know what is the right thing to do - simply ask her. If she is smiling then do more of what led to that. Oh, it is totally OK to get it all wrong. Laugh it off, learn from the mistakes and try again. So with the more you give, purely for your wife's pleasure, maybe the more she will return in favour for how your sensory perceptions work.

I used to be around a lot of people with Asperger syndrome and other learning and social differences (I have a thing about the word "disabilities"). I had to find a way to connect and every individual was different and required me to find "our way" for each. I had wonderful uplifting times full of laughter, sometimes laughing at each other through our failed attempts of communicating - and we tried again. I was also inspired by skills and passions displayed that many "normal people", nor I, would ever reach. Embrace that uniqueness and individuality you have and take pride in the things you do well - I bet that is what your wife found appealing and she needs to see that again. Don't box that all away trying to fit in. Liking yourself for your uniqueness and differences may alleviate some of the anger issues.
 
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NightL said:
maybe you can help her understand Asperger syndrome and anxiety issues. Perhaps through written material or her seeking advice from the professionals you seek help from. Maybe she can have some time with these people on her own so she can ask questions freely.

In your own words you both have communication issues in regard to each other. I suggest there needs to be compromise and understanding from both. Perhaps make that a journey shared. Look around the corners, while holding hands, to see what is there.

"She is well-educated has a bachelor degree" yet from what you have written she does not display a great understanding of how to communicate with someone who has Asperger syndrome. I also appreciate what people say is normal or "you just should..." may not make much sense to you as your levels of empathy could be different than hers or different for which she expects. Your sensory perceptions may well be different, but that does not make them wrong just makes you who you are. You may look to embrace that, finding the boundaries and playing with the edges.

Now you must have rocked her world (positively) at some stage by the very nature of being married. I am also assuming your Asperger syndrome and anxiety issues were well in place long before she came along, so there must have been just that something about you she was highly attracted to. Asperger syndrome sometimes offers individuality, creativity, thought processing quite different than "normal" leading to high achievement in areas where the normals find difficult. Perhaps she needs to be reintroduced to that side of you again - the side she thought special about you and decided that marrying you was a cool thing to do.

Perhaps this is not really a sexual disorder but more of a communication issue. You both need to have a refresher course on communicating with each other. Learning to trust each other again and respect that you both will approach things from different sets of emotions. You have connected in a very special way before - you are married, so this special connection place obviously can exist.

As for sex, rather than thinking "I'm not gaining much from this" try to turn it more into "what can I give". Focus more of your attention on providing. Gauge your success on this from how your wife responds and pay very close attention to that. You may gain far more satisfaction from sex in seeing a contented partner. As for how do you know what is the right thing to do - simply ask her. If she is smiling then do more of what led to that. Oh, it is totally OK to get it all wrong. Laugh it off, learn from the mistakes and try again. So with the more you give, purely for your wife's pleasure, maybe the more she will return in favour for how your sensory perceptions work.

I used to be around a lot of people with Asperger syndrome and other learning and social differences (I have a thing about the word "disabilities"). I had to find a way to connect and every individual was different and required me to find "our way" for each. I had wonderful uplifting times full of laughter, sometimes laughing at each other through our failed attempts of communicating - and we tried again. I was also inspired by skills and passions displayed that many "normal people", nor I, would ever reach. Embrace that uniqueness and individuality you have and take pride in the things you do well - I bet that is what your wife found appealing and she needs to see that again. Don't box that all away trying to fit in. Liking yourself for your uniqueness and differences may alleviate some of the anger issues.
Click to expand...

Obliged for the understanding. And yes, I have probably already had Asperger's even when I was younger. But was never diagnosed till 2015. My wife has been through a lot growing up, from what I gathered from talking with her when we first started dating. Her mother was totally blind and her father wasn't there for her. I never asked questions about her childhood, because I felt like I was invading her privacy. So, I just left it be. I showed her, that if she wanted to talk to me about it, she was freed to do so. However, I wasn't gonna pry. Never had considerable social skills when I was growing up, even now, I have trouble with people in general. My wife has said to me more than once, that I have trouble reading people. Nonetheless, yet, I can sense when someone is being a smart aleck, not friendly and just plain rude.
 
Oh, I now realise we have crossed paths on this very subject back in 2016...

My comments were genuine then as they are now

I continue to wish you all the best for your journey ahead
 
Blowjobs are not every Guys thing nor can every guy cum from it and not every woman is good at it.
A woman has to be very skilled and really get intense to get me cumming orally.

Not every woman likes getting eaten out...some can only handle it for a few minutes or even seconds because it is too intense.

And some like you to hit it a lick or two in amongst the foreplay before a good solid fucking.

The point is the two of you need to talk about what does it for you and what doesn't.

Occasionally try something new but sound each other out first!:)

Oh, and one of the most important thinks a education can teach us is how to listen which is very different than hearing someone talk.

You two need to grab a book on relationships I think you will find that is the main problem.
 
Last edited:
first time I tried Viagra I was alone watching emma Thompson in the childrens film nanny McPhee
I took one tablet and waited for the miraculous erection to appear
it didn't so I took another and nothing happened
just like you I got the pounding headache

I didn't realise Viagra alone doesn't give you a hard on, it just assists when you do get one, summat like 10x the blood supply to the penis

so you need to get stimulation first and then the Viagra does its job
now I'm used to it and its effects about once a fortnight I take an 1/8th and it works wonders


do you get pleasure from seeing your wife orgasm or in a state of arousal? cos that is 90% of sex for me
I get a feelgood boost knowing I'm doing something right
I can only come if I wank
she usually helps kissing etc
but I cant come by blow jobs or fucking

the eefexor has affected me that way
and I have to develop really crazy fantasies in my head to come

I would say loving and cuddling is more important than sex, maybe combine the two lie side by side facing each other kissing and cuddling and just caress her to orgasm and that should keep you both happy
focus on good stuff you like and don't concern yourself about why you don't like the other stuff

like others have said try to tell your wife you think it would be good if you could try and start talking about the best way to do things

you never know unless you try and you might find she isn't as cold or reluctant to talk as you suspect
 
As you have indicated that you're somewhere on the Aspergers spectrum, you probably should go get professional advice from people who are familiar with the condition.

Here in Australia we have organisations like this:

https://asperger.asn.au

There must be an equivalent wherever you are, who would give you sensible advice.

Paying attention to any half baked advice from a bunch of erotica readers and writers is, well, a half baked idea.

Seriously, get some proper advice, don't pay any attention to any of us. Except this advice, obviously. Good luck.
 
electricblue66 said:
As you have indicated that you're somewhere on the Aspergers spectrum, you probably should go get professional advice from people who are familiar with the condition.

Here in Australia we have organisations like this:

https://asperger.asn.au

There must be an equivalent wherever you are, who would give you sensible advice.

Paying attention to any half baked advice from a bunch of erotica readers and writers is, well, a half baked idea.

Seriously, get some proper advice, don't pay any attention to any of us. Except this advice, obviously. Good luck.
Click to expand...

I was thinking along the same lines. No offense to those who offered advice, some good stuff was addressed, but none of really know nearly enough of the story here to really make accurate recommendations. It’s good that you are seeking some professional help already, I sincerely hope that you are able to reach an enjoyable and satisfying level of intimacy with your wife in time.
 
I agree with Naughtymind above that only a professional who has dealt with you and really knows you can give accurate advice for you. That notwithstanding, I do have one thing to offer.

Don't ask, What's wrong with me? Instead, focus on asking, What do I want? What do you want out of sex? You are not obligated to want anything. People are different. Some people want sex much more than others. There's no obvious right or wrong when it comes to sex. There's nothing wrong with not liking blow jobs. That's not necessarily a "problem" you need to fix.

You need to find out what your wife wants, too, and you need to find out if the two of you are compatible. You may be, you may not be. This may not be a "problem" to solve, it may just be the way things are. Be honest and try to communicate as much as you can. Remember to listen as much as to express your viewpoint to her.
 
aljolson69 said:
first time I tried Viagra I was alone watching emma Thompson in the childrens film nanny McPhee
I took one tablet and waited for the miraculous erection to appear
it didn't so I took another and nothing happened
just like you I got the pounding headache

I didn't realise Viagra alone doesn't give you a hard on, it just assists when you do get one, summat like 10x the blood supply to the penis

so you need to get stimulation first and then the Viagra does its job
now I'm used to it and its effects about once a fortnight I take an 1/8th and it works wonders


do you get pleasure from seeing your wife orgasm or in a state of arousal? cos that is 90% of sex for me
I get a feelgood boost knowing I'm doing something right
I can only come if I wank
she usually helps kissing etc
but I cant come by blow jobs or fucking

the eefexor has affected me that way
and I have to develop really crazy fantasies in my head to come

I would say loving and cuddling is more important than sex, maybe combine the two lie side by side facing each other kissing and cuddling and just caress her to orgasm and that should keep you both happy
focus on good stuff you like and don't concern yourself about why you don't like the other stuff

like others have said try to tell your wife you think it would be good if you could try and start talking about the best way to do things

you never know unless you try and you might find she isn't as cold or reluctant to talk as you suspect
Click to expand...

Thnx for the update. But to answer you, fantasies has never entered my mind. I know that sounds a little odd. But there really isn't any wild or crazy fantasy that I wish to try out in reality or even in dream world. Just never cared to live in that world. To answer your question about whether or not I get pleasure from seeing my wife orgasm? The answer is no. Of all the dirty movies, I've seen, I never cared to watch people screw. Never had any effect on me. Excuse my language. But it's a fact. They just never did anything for me. Only thing I found fascinating was manual stimulation (what the women did to the guys) and oral sex. Women performed on the men. That is all I cared to view. She's not cold-hearted, my wife and I just do not know how to communicate without someone getting rather angry or upset. That's all. But I understand what your saying though.
 
SimonDoom said:
I agree with Naughtymind above that only a professional who has dealt with you and really knows you can give accurate advice for you. That notwithstanding, I do have one thing to offer.

Don't ask, What's wrong with me? Instead, focus on asking, What do I want? What do you want out of sex? You are not obligated to want anything. People are different. Some people want sex much more than others. There's no obvious right or wrong when it comes to sex. There's nothing wrong with not liking blow jobs. That's not necessarily a "problem" you need to fix.

You need to find out what your wife wants, too, and you need to find out if the two of you are compatible. You may be, you may not be. This may not be a "problem" to solve, it may just be the way things are. Be honest and try to communicate as much as you can. Remember to listen as much as to express your viewpoint to her.
Click to expand...

Understand.
 
So back in Dec 2016 you stated:
Timben said:
My wife and I hasn't had intercourse in over a year.
Click to expand...
(At the time you had not mentioned your 2015 diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome, anxiety or anger issues, if I'd known I would have worded my response differently but the message would have been the same.)

and you continue to talk with indifference regarding your wife
Timben said:
To answer your question about whether or not I get pleasure from seeing my wife orgasm? The answer is no.
Click to expand...
You could have said "I feel no sexual arousal but I love seeing her happy and would do anything for that", but you didn't.

You don't like sex but she does - your words.

Would you care if your wife created a new life for herself away from you? Serious question.

While you yourself may not like sex you may not be fully understanding of what it is like to feel that sex with a loving partner is perhaps the greatest gift life can offer, so you may not realise what it is like to feel denied that.

and
Timben said:
kissing and cuddling don't bother me. However, I don't care for french kissing. Just never did like it. My wife bought a sex toy once, but she was willing to use it on me. No. I'm don't like that stuff. I did, however, did get a little embarrassed and a little angry towards her.
Click to expand...
- may feel as much an emotional connection for her as cuddling a cardboard box - though a cardboard box would not get angry. Connections of loving emotions are highly important with most people and to be denied that can feel overwhelming hurt - most people seek out genuine loving connections in life.

In the pretend world of porn you watch - (you stated this Dec 2016 and now) you see a make believe that is all about individuals seeking some grandiose self pleasure from the physical alone - mostly totally devoid of emotional connection. The real world of love and sex is not a porn movie, the love aspect usually is highly significant. If you don't feel that I am not sure how to describe it or how you can appreciate what it may be like for your wife not to feel love and connection from you.

Your response to her touching you with her vibrator, could have been to laugh it off and say it didn't feel right for you but be fascinated on what pleasure it gave her. You could have asked to use it on her, asked her how she likes it to be used. You could have offered her pleasure but instead you got "a little embarrassed and a little angry towards her". Your reaction disappointed and hurt her, it was not about you not liking the sensation but something you could have enjoyed together (you giving her pleasure with it) you turned into a negative and upsetting situation. You demanded your negativity to be more important than her pleasure and happiness. That negative offering was like someone putting dog poo on your all time favourite food just as you were to take a bite - from someone you should be trusting the most in your life - that is what you did in that moment.

Timben said:
I can't talk to my wife, if I could, I wouldn't be present on this forum. She and I don't communicate very well. She is a very strong independent woman... she has told me years ago, I have never forgotten it -- "I've already raised one boy. I don't need to raise another."
Click to expand...

All you have written points to a marriage that is just not working out well for your wife and may not be a great environment for your children. So again, would you really care if your wife created a new life for herself away from you?

From your writing in Dec 2016 and now, it would seem the home life for yourself and your wife is not of happiness. What impact do think that may have on your children? If you state "I am holding on to the marriage for the sake of our children" I ask you to consider children growing up being around unhappy parents living together who have no affection toward each other or children knowing happy parents who happen to live separate lives. You are seeking counselling for anger management, who are you displaying your anger toward?

What would you do for the happiness of your wife? Can you consider her happiness and do you feel pain knowing she is unhappy or is this just all about you? Maybe your Asperger's syndrome impacts on your ability to empathise. So yes, I also agree that advice you should follow should come from professional counselling. You need to make an effort though, beyond just turning up for appointments.

So when you say "it is all about me" how would you feel if you changed that to "my wife deserves to be happy - I'll turn the world upside down to make that happen"?

One last question, since you have been seeking counselling since 2015, what has your attitude been toward suggestions of these professional people?
 
Last edited:
NightL said:
So back in Dec 2016 you stated:

(At the time you had not mentioned your 2015 diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome, anxiety or anger issues, if I'd known I would have worded my response differently but the message would have been the same.)

and you continue to talk with indifference regarding your wife
You could have said "I feel no sexual arousal but I love seeing her happy and would do anything for that", but you didn't.

You don't like sex but she does - your words.

Would you care if your wife created a new life for herself away from you? Serious question.

While you yourself may not like sex you may not be fully understanding of what it is like to feel that sex with a loving partner is perhaps the greatest gift life can offer, so you may not realise what it is like to feel denied that.

and
- may feel as much an emotional connection for her as cuddling a cardboard box - though a cardboard box would not get angry. Connections of loving emotions are highly important with most people and to be denied that can feel overwhelming hurt - most people seek out genuine loving connections in life.

In the pretend world of porn you watch - (you stated this Dec 2016 and now) you see a make believe that is all about individuals seeking some grandiose self pleasure from the physical alone - mostly totally devoid of emotional connection. The real world of love and sex is not a porn movie, the love aspect usually is highly significant. If you don't feel that I am not sure how to describe it or how you can appreciate what it may be like for your wife not to feel love and connection from you.

Your response to her touching you with her vibrator, could have been to laugh it off and say it didn't feel right for you but be fascinated on what pleasure it gave her. You could have asked to use it on her, asked her how she likes it to be used. You could have offered her pleasure but instead you got "a little embarrassed and a little angry towards her". Your reaction disappointed and hurt her, it was not about you not liking the sensation but something you could have enjoyed together (you giving her pleasure with it) you turned into a negative and upsetting situation. You demanded your negativity to be more important than her pleasure and happiness. That negative offering was like someone putting dog poo on your all time favourite food just as you were to take a bite - from someone you should be trusting the most in your life - that is what you did in that moment.



All you have written points to a marriage that is just not working out well for your wife and may not be a great environment for your children. So again, would you really care if your wife created a new life for herself away from you?

From your writing in Dec 2016 and now, it would seem the home life for yourself and your wife is not of happiness. What impact do think that may have on your children? If you state "I am holding on to the marriage for the sake of our children" I ask you to consider children growing up being around unhappy parents living together who have no affection toward each other or children knowing happy parents who happen to live separate lives. You are seeking counselling for anger management, who are you displaying your anger toward?

What would you do for the happiness of your wife? Can you consider her happiness and do you feel pain knowing she is unhappy or is this just all about you? Maybe your Asperger's syndrome impacts on your ability to empathise. So yes, I also agree that advice you should follow should come from professional counselling. You need to make an effort though, beyond just turning up for appointments.

So when you say "it is all about me" how would you feel if you changed that to "my wife deserves to be happy - I'll turn the world upside down to make that happen"?

One last question, since you have been seeking counselling since 2015, what has your attitude been toward suggestions of these professional people?
Click to expand...

*Sighs* I know the way I talk about on this forum, that it doesn't sound like Iove, my wife. Have no reason to lie to you or to anybody. I love my wife and children dearly. I try to make them happy. When I said it's all about me, I was referring to the problems that I have when it pertains to sex. My wife, on the other hand, hasn't complained, at least not to me anyways. You asked me if I care if my wife created a new life away from me? I'm not sure I understand. But if you are referring to us getting a divorce. Then the answer is no. Oh, I've said it a few times, not because of the sex life, but over stupid stuff. But her answer has always been, no. She doesn't wanna divorce. But then again, I'm not sure how to answer your question. My wife volunteers a lot in the community, does a fantastic job. Everyone loves her. Our son, who is 15, is still in High School, loves his mother. He really dotes on her. He and I, on the other hand, don't really get along. Nobody's fault but mine. And mine alone. Our daughter is 9. She loves playing with her toys and enjoys school.

Since seeking counseling in 2015, I've been trying my most darnest to change my aspect on life. I use to be extremely negative, looking for ways to sabotage our life together. I don't do that anymore. At least, I don't think I do. The main reason my wife hasn't had sexual intercourse for over a year is that she doesn't want any more children. Her words, not mine. She wants me to wear a condom. I can't wear one. Last time I wore one, was back in 2003 and the girl I was with at the time, bought me one, and I couldn't wear the dumb thing. It was tight and it hurt. And yes I don't know how to wear one. I have no idea what my size is. I know that sounds a little far-fetched because all men know how big their penis is. Well, I don't because I can't read a tape measure. The girl I was with, told me I was 8" then another girl says I was 11" so I have no idea who to believe. I tried to do it myself, by a ruler, it says I was between 4" and 5" which is probably right. Ever since then, I've been a tad sized-obsessed. Meaning, wishing and wanting to be "hung like an army mule" sorter speak. Not out of "pornography star status" but out of bragging rights. Other words, have my wife brag about it. I know that's, stupid but that's the way I feel. I avoid sexual activity and to experience sexual pleasure because of my fears about rejection and my fears about intimacy. I feel anxiety and shame about my body, sexual attractiveness, and sexual responses. Because whenever I get an erection, and when I'm extremely erect, it's quite painful. Like as if I'm holding off. And I noticed that the glans of my penis changes colors. I do not know if that is supposed to happen or not. It swells and begins to pulsate very tensely. Which also causes my testicles to hurt. Another thing happens, is that in order to keep stamina and hardness throughout the act, itself. I lose my erection, rather quickly, which causes me to act rather angrily not at my wife, but myself. Roll over and become seriously ticked-off at me not at my wife. All because I can't remain erect enough to have sex with her.
 
Trust your ruler - but seriously throw the ruler away. I am certain you are not superman.

Maybe you should print out your Dec 2016 thread and this thread - take them along to your next counselling session - discuss all the points everyone has raised.

Show the threads to your wife...

My farewell on this is to suggest you swap all your "I wish", "I want" to "what does my wife want and how can I make that happen".

If you honestly don't care, then be dignified enough to walk away.
 
Timben

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your wife likes her marriage the way it is and doesn't want to change it?
 
curioustxn said:
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your wife likes her marriage the way it is and doesn't want to change it?
Click to expand...

That's true. I'm not trying to complicate things. Oblige for taking the time to listen. That's all I ask. And you and the others on this forum have done that. I oblige for that.
 
Timben said:
The main reason my wife hasn't had sexual intercourse for over a year is that she doesn't want any more children. Her words, not mine. She wants me to wear a condom. I can't wear one. Last time I wore one, was back in 2003 and the girl I was with at the time, bought me one, and I couldn't wear the dumb thing. It was tight and it hurt.
Click to expand...

Condoms are stretchy and they are available in a variety of sizes. It should be possible to find one that fits you. If this was the only issue, I'd also suggest a vasectomy as an alternative.

But from your other comments, it sounds like you have a more general problem with pain in your genitals. This is a medical issue and an internet discussion board can't diagnose you; you need to talk to a professional, either a urologist or at your local sexual health clinic.

And yes I don't know how to wear one.
Click to expand...

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-to-put-a-condom-on

It bothers me that you've let this issue get in the way of stuff for 15 years. I'm an Aspie myself, I know sometimes we get weird blocks on things that aren't easy to explain, but sometimes you need to be able to take a step back and say "this is a minor thing that's causing way too much trouble, I'm going to buckle down and figure out how to get past it".

Because whenever I get an erection, and when I'm extremely erect, it's quite painful. Like as if I'm holding off. And I noticed that the glans of my penis changes colors. I do not know if that is supposed to happen or not.
Click to expand...

That bit's normal. Erection happens because you have more blood in your penis, which will give it a red/purple look.
 
Have you considered that you might be asexual?

There are certainly organizations out there for people who identify as aces, and people who are asexual may indeed not be aromantic. In other words, asexuals still may want to get married and be in long term romantic relationships.

I’m no expert, and I’d guess that literotica isn’t the best place to go for info on asexual identity. It’s at least worth a google, I’d think.
 
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