M
Madelyne13
Guest
I am new here and would value feedback on this story.
Thank you
https://www.literotica.com/s/redemption-20
Thank you
https://www.literotica.com/s/redemption-20
thewinedarksea
Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 11, 2018
- Posts
- 122
Hi Madelyne13. Welcome to the site.
I thought it was a pretty good story. I liked the scenario you developed — it's always interesting to encounter characters whose sexual desire fulfills a purpose beyond horniness and romantic love. I thought that this woman's uneasy relationship with her body and its deterioration, yet lingering needs, set up an appealing tension.
Your sense of a good story is strong, and that's the hardest bit to fake, so congrats.
However, there were a few issues with the story that you might think about as you work on more stories:
1. The ending is very abrupt. We seem to be building up to a meaningful encounter between the two characters. I hoped to learn a little about the artist. I wanted to read the character reflect on the sex afterwards — how did it make her feel? Did it change the way she felt about herself and her body? But instead, we got a slightly humdrum line about getting her womanhood back, and then it's all over. The ending didn't match the build up.
2. Tense consistency: "He lifted his hips and lowered them placing the tip of his cock between my lips… His balls slapping against me and as he thrusts into me my clit feels the pressure from above." You slip into present tense a few times. Watch out for this.
3. There are some seemingly careless errors that you would easily spot with a closer proof-read before submission. This is a particularly unfortunate one: "he removed his cocks and shoes" (!)
4. "15years": Write "fifteen" here, and only use numerals for numbers above 100.
5. Brush up on your punctuation: "The bubbles covered its' multitude" (its); "If he doesn't want my body who will." (?); "We spent three months in limbo(,) a surreal world(,) a grotesque parody of our previous married life"
6. Lines like this are a little bit corny: " I could see this artist had lead in his pencil." You show skill with your phrasing elsewhere, so I am sure you can come up with an original art-related metaphor that will interest your reader more than a line they've inevitably heard several times before.
Keep at it. If you need an editor, drop me a PM. If I am free I could help you.
I thought it was a pretty good story. I liked the scenario you developed — it's always interesting to encounter characters whose sexual desire fulfills a purpose beyond horniness and romantic love. I thought that this woman's uneasy relationship with her body and its deterioration, yet lingering needs, set up an appealing tension.
Your sense of a good story is strong, and that's the hardest bit to fake, so congrats.
However, there were a few issues with the story that you might think about as you work on more stories:
1. The ending is very abrupt. We seem to be building up to a meaningful encounter between the two characters. I hoped to learn a little about the artist. I wanted to read the character reflect on the sex afterwards — how did it make her feel? Did it change the way she felt about herself and her body? But instead, we got a slightly humdrum line about getting her womanhood back, and then it's all over. The ending didn't match the build up.
2. Tense consistency: "He lifted his hips and lowered them placing the tip of his cock between my lips… His balls slapping against me and as he thrusts into me my clit feels the pressure from above." You slip into present tense a few times. Watch out for this.
3. There are some seemingly careless errors that you would easily spot with a closer proof-read before submission. This is a particularly unfortunate one: "he removed his cocks and shoes" (!)
4. "15years": Write "fifteen" here, and only use numerals for numbers above 100.
5. Brush up on your punctuation: "The bubbles covered its' multitude" (its); "If he doesn't want my body who will." (?); "We spent three months in limbo(,) a surreal world(,) a grotesque parody of our previous married life"
6. Lines like this are a little bit corny: " I could see this artist had lead in his pencil." You show skill with your phrasing elsewhere, so I am sure you can come up with an original art-related metaphor that will interest your reader more than a line they've inevitably heard several times before.
Keep at it. If you need an editor, drop me a PM. If I am free I could help you.
MelissaBaby
Wordy Bitch
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2017
- Posts
- 6,952
I will second thewinedarksea’s comments about tense and punctuation, and his praise for your, as he put it, sense of story.
I like that you sort of led with your chin, starting the story in a rather dark place. I did something similar in the first chapter of my series, My Fall and Rise. It is a risky strategy, as it will lose you some readers right at the start, but if it the right thing for the story, that should not dissuade you.
Watch the rythm of your prose, it gets a little sing-songy now and then. But it’s a fine start, I will look forward to reading more.
I like that you sort of led with your chin, starting the story in a rather dark place. I did something similar in the first chapter of my series, My Fall and Rise. It is a risky strategy, as it will lose you some readers right at the start, but if it the right thing for the story, that should not dissuade you.
Watch the rythm of your prose, it gets a little sing-songy now and then. But it’s a fine start, I will look forward to reading more.
M
Madelyne13
Guest
Thank you
Thewinedarksea
I am really grateful for the time you put into your analysis. I am slightly disappointed that there are more errors than I expected. I do sometimes have concentration issues Your feedback is the type of feedback I need and I will PM you.
Melissababy
In recent years I had little time for writing so I had written mainly poetry and I guess that the rhythm you spotted is a result of that. Thank you for your feedback
Thewinedarksea
I am really grateful for the time you put into your analysis. I am slightly disappointed that there are more errors than I expected. I do sometimes have concentration issues Your feedback is the type of feedback I need and I will PM you.
Melissababy
In recent years I had little time for writing so I had written mainly poetry and I guess that the rhythm you spotted is a result of that. Thank you for your feedback
ElectricBlue
Connoisseur
- Joined
- May 10, 2014
- Posts
- 15,391
That's a bright little gem, brutally honest, beautifully seen and told.
I laughed at this
I do quite a bit of life drawing (both sides of the gaze) so this hits the right notes for me, it's intimate and revealing.
This is one of those times where I don't worry about the technical bits and bobs - the story has heart which shows, and the next one will tidy up the edges.
I laughed at this
because why beat about the bush? Excellent.
I do quite a bit of life drawing (both sides of the gaze) so this hits the right notes for me, it's intimate and revealing.
This is one of those times where I don't worry about the technical bits and bobs - the story has heart which shows, and the next one will tidy up the edges.
