Feedback on 'When Angels Cum'

CapDragon121

Devourer of Stars
Joined
Jun 9, 2018
Posts
5
Hey all,

I am CapDragon121, author of 'When Angels Cum'. Yes, I know it is a ridiculous name. The story is an epic fantasy with elements of SciFi that are yet to appear. (I have a Physics background). But I do try to write realistic characters with quirks, motivations, desires and flaws of their own.

I started the project on a whim and I wouldn't have sought advice on this forum, if the work wasn't doing as well as it has been. I am currently calling it the Azra El Series, but I do need a better name.

Anyway, if any of you deem it worthy of a read, I'd like some opinions on how to improve it further. Honestly, the first few chapters are a bit rough if you're particular about grammar and editing. Chapters 11-13 are where I blossom, especially with the help of AC Lawrence, whose been helping me with the editing. I plan on rewriting the earlier chapters at some point.

Blurb: The story is about a young guy who hatches in a world of angels and demons. It's a diverse world with a multitude of cultures and I hope to explore them all. The novel is directed towards a male audience as the world is comprised of only females and my MC is the only male. But the story should appeal to both genders, if you can get over that fact.

Below are the links to my first chapter and table of contents.
https://www.literotica.com/s/when-angels-cum
https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=4335865&page=submissions
 
Hey all,

I am CapDragon121, author of 'When Angels Cum'. Yes, I know it is a ridiculous name. The story is an epic fantasy with elements of SciFi that are yet to appear. (I have a Physics background). But I do try to write realistic characters with quirks, motivations, desires and flaws of their own.

I started the project on a whim and I wouldn't have sought advice on this forum, if the work wasn't doing as well as it has been. I am currently calling it the Azra El Series, but I do need a better name.

Anyway, if any of you deem it worthy of a read, I'd like some opinions on how to improve it further. Honestly, the first few chapters are a bit rough if you're particular about grammar and editing. Chapters 11-13 are where I blossom, especially with the help of AC Lawrence, whose been helping me with the editing. I plan on rewriting the earlier chapters at some point.

Blurb: The story is about a young guy who hatches in a world of angels and demons. It's a diverse world with a multitude of cultures and I hope to explore them all. The novel is directed towards a male audience as the world is comprised of only females and my MC is the only male. But the story should appeal to both genders, if you can get over that fact.

Below are the links to my first chapter and table of contents.
https://www.literotica.com/s/when-angels-cum
https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=4335865&page=submissions


I read the first page. It seems well written to me. I didn't read further only because that genre is not my style but I do think it's good!
 
Thank you Jada. I don't expect anyone to read it if it isn't their genre. Also, it is quite long :). I was just trying my luck.
 
Thank you Jada. I don't expect anyone to read it if it isn't their genre. Also, it is quite long :). I was just trying my luck.

This is a real time comment, as I'm enjoying the story as I type this. There was a parenthetical about aunties that felt like it should have been a foot note. It took me out of perspective for a half second.

I only mention that because the narration/perspective in this story is strongly on point. Probably the best part of your story beside the whole "what's a male?" part.
 
Aunty as a colloquial term

This is a real time comment, as I'm enjoying the story as I type this. There was a parenthetical about aunties that felt like it should have been a foot note. It took me out of perspective for a half second.

I only mention that because the narration/perspective in this story is strongly on point. Probably the best part of your story beside the whole "what's a male?" part.

Ah. Sorry about that. The editing is not upto par in the earlier chapters. It gets a little worse before I get my act together.
I hope the story keeps your attention until my writing and editing get better with every chapter, after chapter 5.

Thank you for reading and feel free to share your thoughts.
 
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