First chapter of first story

It's a bit of a slow start, there's some observed sex briefly described. As the series goes on, the descriptions get more graphic. I've got 5 not chapters written which I'm still working on editing.

ChasingAnna said:

It's a bit of a slow start, there's some observed sex briefly described. As the series goes on, the descriptions get more graphic. I've got 5 not chapters written which I'm still working on editing.

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I thought it was a captivating start. Nicely veiled but not over extended. The overall writing and dialogue kept me interested. The hint of what's next is good and the "unknown" intentions/purpose of Nickie is intriguing. The only 'nit-pic' would be the seemingly unnecessary part involving the younger brother??? Unless it serves a purpose later into the story it seems like filler?

All in all, I'd say it's a winner. Good luck, and don't linger too long on the next chapters or you might loose the momentum as readers forget about it. Some folks write the complete story before submitting...then each chapter is released at a steady pace, thus keeping readers engaged, etc. (In what you said above, I'm ignoring the "not" and assume you have 5 in the editing mode.)

Mistakes were made

I am astounded that this story got posted. Absolutely astounded.

Anna is in high school. It would be a stretch to assume she is a senior in high school, or that high school works the same way in whatever YA dystopian world this is. There’s simply not enough details.

Anna is young. Young enough that she hasn’t realized that someone seeing her in panties is functionally the same as someone seeing her in a bikini. Young enough that, when someone sees her in panties, her thought process is “They saw me practically naked.” Yes, some people are prudes who never appreciate the nuance of naked vs slightly clothed, but to the erotica world at large this is the reaction of someone who is naive. If I was going to hazard a guess based on the way you wrote her, I would have said that Anna was 16. I am one person, and my opinion is not law/important/noteworthy, but to me you wrote a character that is 16.

Now, we can definitely have a conversation about the difference between intent and execution. Often times, as we get older, we have a hard time remembering that very specific frame of mind that encapsulates 18, so we end up writing 15 yr olds or 22 yr olds instead. If you told me, unequivocally, that Anna was 18, I could suspend my disbelief.

Except that you unequivocally stated that Nickie is quite a bit younger than Anna and we see her naked right after her tween brother Kevin is caught jacking off in her panties.

So now we go back to the conversation between intent and execution. Even if you were trying to get Anna to inhabit that narrow strip of territory where we are old enough to be legal but young enough to be innocent, you went out of your way to include kids in a story that we can reasonably assume will include rape, manipulation, and impregnation. This is intentional.

You can write. You have some talent. The setting you’ve created is compelling enough if a bit derivative (it’s the Hunger Games), but mistakes were made in the creative process. Often times, when I give feedback, I can and will be critical because I feel like in doing so I am helping the author get better. This is not that. This story is a mistake. The fact that you can write almost makes this worse because it makes the choices you made look that much more intentional. You should seriously consider taking it down and spending some time rethinking the relationships between your characters.

I can't disagree with your take on the story AwkwardMD. You offered good detailed points in regard to the whole scene I only encapsulated about the brother. I didn't notice any big issue in regard to the girls (but did miss the part about Nickie being younger). All in all a well crafted beginning, but your suggestion to clean all of that out has a lot of merit...and I second it.

Whilst this chapter is innocent enough, I'm with MD on this, in terms of Literotica being the publishing platform with its tightly enforced "no sexual content with minors" rule.

I have no doubt YA content such as this could well be published elsewhere, but Anna is written young, young teenager young, naive, innocent, gullible, excited. She's not remotely eighteen on the cusp of woman-hood; she's written on the cusp of teenage girlhood.

It's well written, too - ChasingAnna is without doubt a good writer. This is (although derivative) vivid, imaginative, competent writing. And that's the heart of the problem here - the writing is good enough that the author can't hide her character in prose that struggles, prose that is technically poor, prose that is tedious and dull. Here, the narrative has us running along beside Anna, and you look at her and see a young girl, running beside you.

Given that the category is non-con/reluctance, one assumes the future chapters will also be equally vivid, just as real. And we'll have unpleasant things happening to a young teenage girl (MD is generous, saying sixteen, I'd almost say younger, which of course makes the problem worse).

I have no doubt the story will be popular, but it's a thin edge of a wedge. Literotica is an eighteen plus site, which, simply put, requires authors to write adults, not children, not teenagers.

I'm torn between wanting to applaud the fine writing, but disturbed by the implication of this. I want ChasingAnna to do well, just not with these characters, they really are too young. And I don't think adding a disclaimer, "all characters are over eighteen" will help - because they're not, not in all honesty.

AwkwardMD said:

I am astounded that this story got posted. Absolutely astounded.

Anna is in high school. It would be a stretch to assume she is a senior in high school, or that high school works the same way in whatever YA dystopian world this is. There’s simply not enough details.

Anna is young. Young enough that she hasn’t realized that someone seeing her in panties is functionally the same as someone seeing her in a bikini. Young enough that, when someone sees her in panties, her thought process is “They saw me practically naked.” Yes, some people are prudes who never appreciate the nuance of naked vs slightly clothed, but to the erotica world at large this is the reaction of someone who is naive. If I was going to hazard a guess based on the way you wrote her, I would have said that Anna was 16. I am one person, and my opinion is not law/important/noteworthy, but to me you wrote a character that is 16.

Now, we can definitely have a conversation about the difference between intent and execution. Often times, as we get older, we have a hard time remembering that very specific frame of mind that encapsulates 18, so we end up writing 15 yr olds or 22 yr olds instead. If you told me, unequivocally, that Anna was 18, I could suspend my disbelief.

Except that you unequivocally stated that Nickie is quite a bit younger than Anna and we see her naked right after her tween brother Kevin is caught jacking off in her panties.

So now we go back to the conversation between intent and execution. Even if you were trying to get Anna to inhabit that narrow strip of territory where we are old enough to be legal but young enough to be innocent, you went out of your way to include kids in a story that we can reasonably assume will include rape, manipulation, and impregnation. This is intentional.

You can write. You have some talent. The setting you’ve created is compelling enough if a bit derivative (it’s the Hunger Games), but mistakes were made in the creative process. Often times, when I give feedback, I can and will be critical because I feel like in doing so I am helping the author get better. This is not that. This story is a mistake. The fact that you can write almost makes this worse because it makes the choices you made look that much more intentional. You should seriously consider taking it down and spending some time rethinking the relationships between your characters.

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No, Kevin is explicitly a senior in high school. Anna is 19 in a gap year before collage.

I actually haven't read hunger games or seen the movies. It wasn't until I was deep into day 5 I realized it was similar.

Edit: as for Nickie (minor spoiler) she's actually a year older than Anna. Anna s initial impression of her was to set up some subverting of expectations later.

In my opinion, you have not written characters that exhibit the maturity of adults (18+) with the exception of the parents. What you have done is write children with adult bodies (sometimes). I think you got a pass by dubiously name dropping Etaski, and without that name attached Laurel would have rejected this.

I think that the trying to blend YA Dystopia and non-con impregnation erotica is a really, really, really sharp double-edged sword that is more likely to hurt you or your reputation than it is going to garner you respect.

I don't want to belabor the point, so unless prompted I won't keep hammering it.

AwkwardMD said:

In my opinion, you have not written characters that exhibit the maturity of adults (18+) with the exception of the parents. What you have done is write children with adult bodies (sometimes). I think you got a pass by dubiously name dropping Etaski, and without that name attached Laurel would have rejected this.

I think that the trying to blend YA Dystopia and non-con impregnation erotica is a really, really, really sharp double-edged sword that is more likely to hurt you or your reputation than it is going to garner you respect.

I don't want to belabor the point, so unless prompted I won't keep hammering it.

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Some minor spoilers

I certainly don't mind discussing it. What do you feel makes them seem younger? I tried writing looking back at my own experience right after highschool to flavor their reactions to the world. Late teens, even into early 20s, people are still finding themselves. Like most people of that age, she's as much playing at being an adult as living it. In the parlance of our times, she's still "adulting" rather than fully being an adult. To Anna, part of this is trying to be entirely self sufficient, leading to her isolating herself. This is part of why there are so few named characters in the story.
Part of her growth through to series is learning to accept help. The conflict of the series shifts as well, but more on that next chapter.

I think it's a good start and it's well done. The writing is good. The pacing is good. You have a knack for revealing enough while still preserving a sense of mystery about what's going on. There were a few proofreading errors but not many that I saw. I'm interested in finding out what happens next.

I don't understand MD's and EB's criticisms on the underage issue. If Laurel let it through, then what's the problem? Laurel is the absolute arbiter on this issue, and if she says it's OK then that ends the discussion. Your story is a bit ambiguous on the subject of age, but I don't understand how that is the basis for criticism. I didn't have the feeling, reading the story, that I was reading about underage characters, or that your story in any way is intended to appeal to the underage kink. The focus is different.

Good luck with the rest of the story.

"It was 7:30 in the morning. Anna found herself in her room, still in bed but awake. Classes were over, so she had nowhere to be until track practice."

This is not the schedule of a late teen in a gap year. This is the schedule of a high school student who has not yet graduated. Reads like the end of junior year, or a senior on spring break.

"Despite the chill in the air, she now felt quite warm. Anna saw her reflection, flushed with embarrassment and excitement at the thought of so nearly being seen."

This is not the reaction of an adult who is comfortable in their skin. This is the mindset of a mid-puberty girl who doesn't know how she feels about herself and isn't ready to know how others feel about how she looks. It scared her so bad to be nearly seen clad only in a tshirt and panties that she peed herself.

The conversation after this, where Dad says she's too young and mom says she's not a little girl anymore is a perfect example of gray area obfuscation. 15 year olds are not little girls. Anna could be both too young AND not a little girl.

The fact that Selection can be arbitrarily given to characters of varying age is also worrying given the nature of it. Men and girls, and boys and women, is not typically a mix that steers clear of age problems.

The fact that Anna has no idea what selection is, or what she will be doing, is a MASSIVE warning sign that her parents don't think she's mature enough to handle being told. Most 19 year olds should be able to handle, and might even look forward to, extended sex games, but its hidden not only from Anna but all of her peers. ALL of her peers. None of them are mature enough to undersrand what is about to happen to them, and that knocks a few years from the believable top end of Anna's peer group.

"Though they had spent most of the day side by side, this was Anna's first good look at the woman, and she realized 'woman' was probably not the best word."

Nickie has baby fat and/or is underdeveloped. You can't say "There was no mistaking her youth" without implying beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is a child. A tall child, perhaps, but a child. This is not unreliable narrator territory.

If, as you say, Nickie is older, you are still actively inviting readers to fantasize about pre-pubescent or mid-pubescent bodies, and that is not better.

Kevin's acceptance of a video game as distraction from an important, inescapable life event, is preteen. Clearly he's old enough that he can get erections, but he has no agency around his parents. He has not yet reached an age of rebellion where he shows even the tiniest bit of spine at wanting to know more about his future.

"He [Kevin]was at that age where it was natural to be curious, she supposed."

That age is 12-15, for the most part.

"Hi Daddy, I know I'm not supposed to ask any questions, but I'm not sure what to wear tomorrow. Will this be okay?"

This is a child speaking. Yes, it can be reasonably inferred that she is turning on charm to get info from her dad, but this behavior only works when the subject is still at or near the age where this is appropriate or expected. Farce and age play fantasy are VERY different themes thaf you do not want to invoke. In fact, this whole scene is predicated on Anna wearing a dress that reminds her dad of her as a little girl.

***

This story is constantly reminding us of how young, naive, and innocent Anna is while categorically portraying Nickie and Kevin as both younger AND sexually involved, sexually active, and sexually described (ie, described to allow the formation of a sexually explicit mental image).

Edit: I'm not here to kink shame you about rape, impregnation, mind control, first time, or flirting with the age limit. Lord knows most of us had sex before 18. That being said, the venn diagram of all of those kinks combined should have zero overlap.

I think Awkward MD's interpretations of specific passages in the story are entirely plausible, but I think other interpretations are plausible, too. 18-19 year olds vary wildly in maturity levels. I know this from experience with my own children and their friends, and from memories of myself and my friends (a long time ago).

But, regardless, who cares? The underage rule on this site is a completely arbitrary, and in my opinion somewhat silly, rule. I respect it because Laurel owns the site. I have never written underage characters or tried to cross the line she sets. If someone writes a story that gets past Laurel's scrutiny, who cares? Why call them out? Why try to call attention to it and potentially have Laurel nix the story after having accepted it? I don't understand the thinking that wants to make an issue of this.

The filter tags, as indicators for the direction of the story, are worrying.

AwkwardMD said:

"It was 7:30 in the morning. Anna found herself in her room, still in bed but awake. Classes were over, so she had nowhere to be until track practice."

This is not the schedule of a late teen in a gap year. This is the schedule of a high school student who has not yet graduated. Reads like the end of junior year, or a senior on spring break.

"Despite the chill in the air, she now felt quite warm. Anna saw her reflection, flushed with embarrassment and excitement at the thought of so nearly being seen."

This is not the reaction of an adult who is comfortable in their skin. This is the mindset of a mid-puberty girl who doesn't know how she feels about herself and isn't ready to know how others feel about how she looks. It scared her so bad to be nearly seen clad only in a tshirt and panties that she peed herself.

The conversation after this, where Dad says she's too young and mom says she's not a little girl anymore is a perfect example of gray area obfuscation. 15 year olds are not little girls. Anna could be both too young AND not a little girl.

The fact that Selection can be arbitrarily given to characters of varying age is also worrying given the nature of it. Men and girls, and boys and women, is not typically a mix that steers clear of age problems.

The fact that Anna has no idea what selection is, or what she will be doing, is a MASSIVE warning sign that her parents don't think she's mature enough to handle being told. Most 19 year olds should be able to handle, and might even look forward to, extended sex games, but its hidden not only from Anna but all of her peers. ALL of her peers. None of them are mature enough to undersrand what is about to happen to them, and that knocks a few years from the believable top end of Anna's peer group.

"Though they had spent most of the day side by side, this was Anna's first good loom at the woman, and she realized 'woman' was probably not the best word."

Nickie has baby fat and/or is underdeveloped. You can't say "There was no mistaking her youth" without implying beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is a child. A tall child, perhaps, but a child. This is not unreliable narrator territory.

If, as you say, Nickie is older, you are still actively inviting readers to fantasize about pre-pubescent or mid-pubescent bodies, and that is not better.

Kevin's acceptance of a video game as distraction from an important, inescapable life event, is preteen. Clearly he's old enough that he can get erections, but he has no agency around his parents. He has not yet reached an age of rebellion.

"He [Kevin]was at that age where it was natural to be curious, she supposed."

That age is 12-15, for the most part.

"Hi Daddy, I know I'm not supposed to ask any questions, but ai'm not sure what to wear tomorrow. Will shis be okay?"

This is a child speaking. Yes, it can be reasonably inferred that she is turning on charm to get info from her dad, but this behavior only works when the subject is still at or near the age where this is appropriate. Farce and age play fantasy are VERY different themes thaf you do not want to invoke. In fact, this whole scene is predicated on Anna wearing a dress that reminds her dad of her as a little girl.

***

This story is constantly reminding us of how young, naive, and innocent Anna is while categorically portraying Nickie and Kevin as both younger AND sexually involved, sexually active, and sexually described (ie, described to allow the formation of a sexually explicit mental image).

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That is a rather surprising read of those passages that I did not get from other beta readers. I'm not going to go too deep into explaining all of that as some of those sections hint at major reveals later in the series, but I can assure you, none of the characters were written as underage, you are bringing that to the text yourself. The dress was already worn to her prom and her use of it was explicitly cynically manipulative, not at all child like. As far as Kevin, video games are certainly not just the realm of kids. I know people in their 30s who take vacation days for new game releases.

I guess it's just me.

I read the first page, and I didn't get much of an underage vibe from the characters.

A little closer editing might be called for, and switching back-and-forth on the time line didn't help me enjoy the story. There were also a few story elements that threatened my suspension of disbelief.

Despite my complaints, I thought the story was promising and the pace was good.

SimonDoom said:

I don't understand MD's and EB's criticisms on the underage issue. If Laurel let it through, then what's the problem? Laurel is the absolute arbiter on this issue, and if she says it's OK then that ends the discussion. Your story is a bit ambiguous on the subject of age, but I don't understand how that is the basis for criticism. I didn't have the feeling, reading the story, that I was reading about underage characters, or that your story in any way is intended to appeal to the underage kink. The focus is different.

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My comment was made from the perspective of the character I wrote in the prologue to my Arthurian myth tell, where I wrote a fifteen year old Nymue being pummelled by the five waves, the trauma of which coincided with or triggered her periods, thus establishing her as an agent of the goddess and of the mystical earth. Her arrival on the cusp of womanhood being the plot point, and the need for a credible age for it to happen. BUT, the prologue had no sexual content, and the descriptions of terror were physical, non-sexual terror. The start of the next chapter then made it explicit that five years had passed, and from then on, she was clearly written as an adult. So yes, I read a similarly aged child, because I wrote one (and thought long and hard about how to do so). The difference is the destiny of the teenage children.

My policy concern - yes, I take your point that Laurel passed the story, and I'm saying that perhaps she shouldn't have IF her under eighteen rule is to continue to have balls. I've been around long enough to see some "push the line" stories (some, I will add, from well established writers) that clearly did portray mid-teenage teenagers, and the disclaimer, or the 'just graduated from high school line' was blatantly crap - when you read the text itself, and the descriptions of pubescent bodies and minds.

I thought those days, of deliberately pushing the line, had stopped; and writers were "getting it" - and those that did wander into these debates did so accidentally. That's why I'm torn. This writing is very good, but that's why the characters read the way they do - I do think the characters are portrayed as mid teens. I have an adult daughter - Anna could have been written about her, ten years ago, when she was in middle high school.

Perhaps ChasingAnna (who obviously identifies very closely with her character, the name is the clue) is young in herself, and she has written true. For her fantasy life sake, I sort of hope the future chapters aren't as harrowing as I fear they might be. But I tend to think she's accidentally wandered into a minefield, and maybe that illustrates an innocence.

I also take the view that teenage sexuality is a wonderful thing, that first tentative exploration of everything, but for goddsake let teenagers enjoy it in their world, with their innocence, not under the salacious gaze of adults on a porn writing site. Let children be children, let teenagers be teenagers, adults be adults, but can we give them age appropriate spaces? Perhaps we corrupt them too young.

I probably should never ever read non-con again. What is it that makes people want to write it? Simon doesn't understand my concern, fair enough, I don't understand non-con.

ChasingAnna, the one thing you should take home from this attention (and whatever you decide to do with it) is that if you were a crap writer, nobody would have bothered and your story would have dropped to the bottom of the pond. But you're good, and going to be better, and that's why you've generated a strong reaction. And if that's not the sign of good writing, I don't know what is. Just my opinion, of course, just like my views - one tiny stone in a big pond .

The only thing left to stress: Even if this did pass through the submission filter, it has already raised numerous concerns here. The next important thing for the author to take into consideration is that it will be read by thousands of people. Some may love it...others will see what has been seen here. The big differences are 1. They will score the story on their feelings, 2. They may very well report it as underage. In both of those, there will be no discussion and no explanations possible. The author can gamble on that, or consider what others here have felt after reading the piece. It's a gamble..and a choice.

yukonnights said:

The only thing left to stress: Even if this did pass through the submission filter, it has already raised numerous concerns here. The next important thing for the author to take into consideration is that it will be read by thousands of people. Some may love it...others will see what has been seen here. The big differences are 1. They will score the story on their feelings, 2. They may very well report it as underage. In both of those, there will be no discussion and no explanations possible. The author can gamble on that, or consider what others here have felt after reading the piece. It's a gamble..and a choice.

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Permit me to roll my eyes. Ow! Ow! That hurt!

1. They will score on anything they damned well please. In this case, the story is a fairly short introductory chapter and the sex content is limited. I'm not familiar with scoring in that category, but in categories I'm more familiar with, the story wouldn't be getting a great reception.

2. Unless you're going to report the story, I highly doubt anyone is going to report this story. You've both been nearly hyperbolic on the subject recently. I did go back and read the second page and the exchange between brother and sister does seem immature, but it isn't clear cut. There's so much variation in how people DO act at any given age that it's hard to use behavior as a strong determinate.

The story is set in an imaginary society, where the Selection is unknown to people who are about to go into it. My suspension of disbelief trips on that detail, but if I accept the idea, then it follows that the entrants must be sheltered and naive -- just as kids now are usually more sheltered and naive then they would have been two hundred years ago.

Personally, I don't really like the way the story skips back and forth on the time line, and all of the possible problems come up on the skip to the back story, which I think is commonly where underage problems come up. I don't know where the story is going, but at this point, Kevin could have been left out completely, and the important parts of the back story could have been given in dialogue between Anna and Nikki.

But, I'm not the author.

NotWise said:

The story is set in an imaginary society, where the Selection is unknown to people who are about to go into it. My suspension of disbelief trips on that detail, but if I accept the idea, then it follows that the entrants must be sheltered and naive -- just as kids now are usually more sheltered and naive then they would have been two hundred years ago.

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There's actually a narrative reason they don't know about it that's addressed in day 2.

Personally, I don't really like the way the story skips back and forth on the time line, and all of the possible problems come up on the skip to the back story, which I think is commonly where underage problems come up. I don't know where the story is going, but at this point, Kevin could have been left out completely, and the important parts of the back story could have been given in dialogue between Anna and Nikki.

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I'll keep that in mind for the next series. I don't feel like I'm good enough at writing dialogue to adequately cover what I wanted to cover with the flashbacks. Also, Anna is naturally reticent and it would be out of character for her to just start expounding on everything that's happened to her.

One kind of ironic bit about the whole age thing is that I was actually trying to avoid fetishizing their age. I don't really like the whole, "the kid is 18, time to fuck" mindset of "barely legal" stories. Likewise, the characters are of various ethnicities as I write them, but I've made no overt reference to that as it isn't really relevant to the events of the story or their interactions with each other and i didn't want the characters to be read as "Oh, that's the [insert ethnicity] girl, let me voice her in a stereotypical way." I was planning on doing a little reveal day 6, but ended up just skipping it and letting people visualize them as they will.

This is just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

ChasingAnna said:

There's actually a narrative reason they don't know about it that's addressed in day 2.

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What happens on Day 2, doesn't help us deal with Day 1. The same goes for your readers. In a Sci-Fi story this would be world-building, and it would need to be done early.

ChasingAnna said:

I'll keep that in mind for the next series. I don't feel like I'm good enough at writing dialogue to adequately cover what I wanted to cover with the flashbacks. Also, Anna is naturally reticent and it would be out of character for her to just start expounding on everything that's happened to her.

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Dialogue is a good thing to learn. I don't know if I'm good at it, but I think it would be a good thing to learn. Writers may be more self-conscious about it than readers really care. You don't need to be fancy with dialects or regionaiisms and such. You just need to let the characters tell their own story.

At this point, nothing in the backstory appears significant. We don't know what happens after Anna reports, but it seems like Anna and Nikki would have shared a lot of that experience, and it should be easy for them to talk about.

ChasingAnna said:

One kind of ironic bit about the whole age thing is that I was actually trying to avoid fetishizing their age. I don't really like the whole, "the kid is 18, time to fuck" mindset of "barely legal" stories.

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There were some readers here who were really tuned to it, and your story doesn't do much to help them. You don't mention the character's age (which is good) but you also don't give specific signals of their maturity. In my society, having a social life is inevitable at an age over twelve, and a job is common for anyone over sixteen. So is driving. So is taking responsibilities around the house. There are a lot of possible signals of maturity, and they're mosty missing. You had the opportunity to let the kids take care of themselves at the beginning of the story, but instead their mother is doing everything for them before she goes off to work, and Kevin serves some to Anna.

My mother was not so accommodating.

ChasingAnna said:

Likewise, the characters are of various ethnicities as I write them, but I've made no overt reference to that as it isn't really relevant to the events of the story or their interactions with each other and i didn't want the characters to be read as "Oh, that's the [insert ethnicity] girl, let me voice her in a stereotypical way." I was planning on doing a little reveal day 6, but ended up just skipping it and letting people visualize them as they will.

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None of this seems significant to our impressions of part 1.

NotWise said:

Permit me to roll my eyes. Ow! Ow! That hurt!

1. They will score on anything they damned well please. In this case, the story is a fairly short introductory chapter and the sex content is limited. I'm not familiar with scoring in that category, but in categories I'm more familiar with, the story wouldn't be getting a great reception.

2. Unless you're going to report the story, I highly doubt anyone is going to report this story. You've both been nearly hyperbolic on the subject recently. I did go back and read the second page and the exchange between brother and sister does seem immature, but it isn't clear cut. There's so much variation in how people DO act at any given age that it's hard to use behavior as a strong determinate.

The story is set in an imaginary society, where the Selection is unknown to people who are about to go into it. My suspension of disbelief trips on that detail, but if I accept the idea, then it follows that the entrants must be sheltered and naive -- just as kids now are usually more sheltered and naive then they would have been two hundred years ago.

Personally, I don't really like the way the story skips back and forth on the time line, and all of the possible problems come up on the skip to the back story, which I think is commonly where underage problems come up. I don't know where the story is going, but at this point, Kevin could have been left out completely, and the important parts of the back story could have been given in dialogue between Anna and Nikki.

But, I'm not the author.

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I'm surprised that you got all of that out of my warning to the author. I stand by the warning because it's accurate. As has been said many times, the ability to tell a story is there...but as has also been pointed out by many, there are gaping holes in it at this stage of development. There are also legitimate questions about the accuracy of the narrative regarding character ages. The author doesn't appear to be interested in this "feedback", so the next step is to throw it out there and see what happens. It may be good...it may be very similar to what's been said here.

I have no idea who may or may not report a story, but it's an option that readers have. Given what's been said here, there's a likelihood that a few out of the thousands who click on it will do that. But I have no idea...thus it's a gamble. The story has been accepted by Lit, it's out there with +/- 8800 hits, four negative comments and one positive, lingering around the 4.00 rating. I guess if it were me, I'd listen to the feedback I asked for.

If by "hyperbolic" you mean; Am I opposed to pushing the edge of Lit's ban on underage content...yes.

ETA: However, I really don't have any further feedback so I'm gonna put this one to bed.

AwkwardMD said:

iThe setting you’ve created is compelling enough if a bit derivative (it’s the Hunger Games)

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Seriously? Hunger Games is the only manhunt you associate? There's very little in common, actually. Nobody gets killed, sex is the goal. Participation is universally, not exclusive. It is men vs women chase, not open king-of-the-hill game with a sole victor. And so on...

It isn't anything new, sure, theres dozens upon dozens of stories men "hunt" women with various pretexts and excuses. Well, apart from a very primal fantasy, if one really needs a source to refer to, (proto-)Slavic pagans allegedly did just this or something close as part of the summer solstice rites (also, all marriages were void for that one night a year). So this is really as old as the world.

NotWise said:

In my society, having a social life is inevitable at an age over twelve, and a job is common for anyone over sixteen. So is driving. So is taking responsibilities around the house. There are a lot of possible signals of maturity, and they're mosty missing. You had the opportunity to let the kids take care of themselves at the beginning of the story, but instead their mother is doing everything for them before she goes off to work, and Kevin serves some to Anna.

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Well, societies differ. Where I'm from...

You can't even officially start training for driver's license before age of 18. School (twelve years of it total, nine mandatory) starts the calendar year the child turns 7, so statistically roughly half of the secondary school graduates are already 19. It is allowed by law to work for a wage from 15, but seldom any school child would, except seasonal work during the summer break. Many universities explicitly forbid full time students to work at least for the first two years (so only 'losers' would actually work before 21-22).

Then, pretty much all school children are expected to navigate traffic and public transportation to and from school without supervision. Yes, you will see 8 year olds, wearing book bags proportionally more heavy than what soldiers carry, crossing the city on their own. I know a boy who commuted 40 miles each direction daily using three different kinds of public transport since age of 9. Also, I know a pair of girls that live in dorms since 11. No, not in boarding school, in independent dorms associated with their school (actually high prestige school of music and dance, dorms are an option, not in any way mandatory, and the same dorms are used by affiliated art school).

So yes, the maturity markers may be very different.

I do know not one but two very different girls that suffer socially between their peers, because the way their families are make them appear significantly younger than they are. One is sixteen, actually works with her mother inventing products for their family business and helps with sales, while keeping with school very well, and dancing in ethnographic dance club on top of that, but my eighteen year old nieces say she's unbearable because socially she's barely twelve, and spoiled. Perhaps, mostly because of the influence of her ultra-prude and extremely anxious grandmother. The other is a talented musician with overly ambitious parents, the results are somewhat similar.

Then, I also know a grown up woman who allegedly never changes in front of her husband nor her female friends. Yes, that's individual neurotic level phobia of being seen 'improper' by anyone, but such people do exist.

/rant

As non-English, I can't really offer constructive criticism about writing as such. Story I liked, although it fell little short from super-exciting, but I can't quite say what I missed. I guess, the brother is there for the sex content that wasn't just purely decorative but also revealed just how sheltered our heroine is, and probably some future needs. Doing the back-story in dialogue, as was suggested, would be weird in those circumstances, in my opinion. However, I didn't see a need for the time-line back-and-forth, it could as well be strictly chronological, or little intro and then single flashback.

The age discussion... yes, she reads as somewhat immature, but she lives in a fictional society, with slightly, but significantly different rulebook and I can buy that as cultural differences, either in her society in general, or in her family in particular (especially given that Nickie seems to be coming from very different setting).

yukonnights said:

I'm surprised that you got all of that out of my warning to the author. I stand by the warning because it's accurate. As has been said many times, the ability to tell a story is there...but as has also been pointed out by many, there are gaping holes in it at this stage of development. There are also legitimate questions about the accuracy of the narrative regarding character ages. The author doesn't appear to be interested in this "feedback", so the next step is to throw it out there and see what happens. It may be good...it may be very similar to what's been said here.

I have no idea who may or may not report a story, but it's an option that readers have. Given what's been said here, there's a likelihood that a few out of the thousands who click on it will do that. But I have no idea...thus it's a gamble. The story has been accepted by Lit, it's out there with +/- 8800 hits, four negative comments and one positive, lingering around the 4.00 rating. I guess if it were me, I'd listen to the feedback I asked for.

If by "hyperbolic" you mean; Am I opposed to pushing the edge of Lit's ban on underage content...yes.

ETA: However, I really don't have any further feedback so I'm gonna put this one to bed.

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I assure you the author is very interested in feedback. That's why the author is requesting feedback.

While I have some experience with technical writing, I've got essentially no experience with fiction. I'm actively looking for feedback that will help me refine my artistic voice. There are some idiosyncrasies that come from my background that make certain things feel wrong to me. Where these things come down to personal preference (OK vs okay), I stick with what looks more right to me. Other places, like paragraph length, I adapted my style to the medium on the recommendations of my editors. I've taken feedback about the time skips under advisement, and while it's a bit late to change it in this series (6 parts are written), it's something I'll avoid in the future.