Humor Thread

Professions

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

I thought some of you might like this . . .

VM:
It made me smile!
DG

Oh Bear, what an absolute Hoot !

Male translations

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
"I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
"Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
"I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
"What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

DG Hear said:

Male translations

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."

Click to expand...

Actually, that's a mistranslation. It's really true that I'm not lost and that I know exactly where we are.

When I say this, we're always directly over the center of the Earth.

CarlusMagnus said:

Actually, that's a mistranslation. It's really true that I'm not lost and that I know exactly where we are.

When I say this, we're always directly over the center of the Earth.

Click to expand...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no bloody use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where the hell you are, or where
the hell you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

My GPS ...

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

An oldie but goodie

IN RESPONSE TO THE E-MAILS CONCERNING MY DOG...



Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who is accused of having mauled:
six illegal immigrants,
four thieving Politicians,
two Muslim Clerics,
nine teenagers with jeans hanging down their arses,
eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English,
three flag burners,
and a Pakistani taxi driver,


FOR THE LAST TIME...
…THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!!

My wife & I had a discussion last night; she reckons I need to 'get in touch with my feminine side'.

So I did;
I made my own sandwich.

Old, but good

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it went:

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
"You are the woman of my dreams. I love you".
Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Before departing on his dream trip of sailing solo around the world the wealthy business man gives the three women in his life $100, 000 each. He tells them, "When I return I will choose a wife among the three of you.

Hereuwhat he found upon his return:

The first woman had used the money for plastic surguand to hire a persona trainer. She had the looks to rival any super model and to him, "You deserve having the hottest woman in the room on your arm."


The second woman used the money for golf lessons and sailing lessons and evey other of his interests, telling him, "I want our interests to match so we will always find each other interesting."

The third woman wrote the man two checks. One for his original $ 100, 00 and anothet for an additional $ 50, 000. "I invested your money and tripled it to demonstrate that I have the same business ability as you s o e e csn live as equals."

Question: which woman did he marry?

Answer: Easy, the one with the biggest tits of course!

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Compare The Genders

NICKNAMES
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.

But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DG Hear said:

Compare The Genders

LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Click to expand...

You missed the part about men recycling their laundry (especially their underwear) seven or eight times between laundry days.

This was sent to be by a friend. Yes, I have a friend or two,
DG

Sex After Surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked ...
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down
his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied ...
“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has
ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Don't punish me for loving you; that's the court's job.

Handley_Page said:

Don't punish me for loving you; that's the court's job.

Click to expand...

Which reminds me, I need to find a new girl. There's not wrong with the last girl I was seeing, except she finally bought blinds for windows, dammit!

Just received this Oldie but Goodie:
DG

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt; twas split right up the front ...
but she didn't wear that one very often.

A pal of mine sent me this.
It's damned good; a real model for other governments.

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. - James A. Beard

I don't eat anything that a dog won't eat. Like sushi. Ever see a dog eat sushi? He just sniffs it and says, "I don't think so." And this is an animal that licks between its legs and sniffs fire hydrants. - Billiam Coronel

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis (Garfield)

If the people have no bread, let them eat cake. - (attributed to) Marie Antoinette

I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require as much cooking. - Carrie Snow

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal. -Jay Leno

It's so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know someone's fingers have been all over it. -Julia Child

Inventions and Inventors

In 1894, Lord Kelvin predicted that radio had no future; he also predicted that heavier-than-air flying machines were impossible.

The word "sneaker" was coined by Henry McKinney, an advertising agent for N.W. Ayer & Son.

Charles Macintosh invented the waterproof coat, the Mackintosh, in 1823.

Air-filled tyres were used on bicycles before they were used on motorcars.

The paperclip was invented by Norwegian Johann Vaaler.

Music was sent down a telephone line for the first time in 1876, the year the phone was invented.

Optical fiber was invented in 1966 by two British scientists called Charles Kao and George Hockham working for the British company Standard Telecommunication.

Joseph Niepce developed the world's first photographic image in 1827.

The videophone was invented by Bell Laboratories in 1927.

The very first projection of an image on a screen was made by a German priest. In 1646, Athanasius Kircher used a candle or oil lamp to project hand-painted images onto a white screen. Modern projectors emit more than a thousand Lumens!

The first neon sign was made in 1923 for a Packard dealership.

The first vending machine was invented by Hero of Alexandria in the first century. When a coin was dropped into a slot, its weight would pull a cork out of a spigot and the machine would dispense a trickle of holy water.

The can opener was invented 48 years after cans were introduced.

The hair perm was invented in 1906 by Karl Ludwig Nessler of Germany.

Leonardo da Vinci never built the inventions he designed.

Traffic lights were used before the advent of the motorcar.

The Monopoly game was invented by Charles Darrow in 1933. He sold the rights to George Parker in 1935, then aged 58. Parker invented more than 100 games, including Pit, Rook, Flinch, Risk and Clue.

One hour before Alexander Graham Bell registered his patent for the telephone in 1876, Elisha Gray patented his design. After years of litigation, the patent went to Bell.

Thomas Edison filed 1,093 patents, including those for the light bulb, electric railways and the movie camera. When he died in 1931, he held 34 patents for the telephone, 141 for batteries, 150 for the telegraph and 389 patents for electric light and power.

The first fax process was patented in 1843.

Count Alessandro Volta invented the first battery in the 18th century.

During the 1860s, George Leclanche developed the dry-cell battery, the basis for modern batteries.

In 1894 Thomas Edison and W K L Dickson introduced the first film camera.

In 1895 French brothers Auguste and Louis Lumiere demonstrated a projector system in Paris. In 1907 they screened the first public movie.

The first electronic mail, or "email", was sent in 1972 by Ray Tomlinson. It was also his idea to use the @ sign to separate the name of the user from the name of the computer.

Queen Elizabeth II of Britain sent her first email in 1976.

In 1889, Kansas undertaker Almon B. Strowger wanted to prevent telephone operators from advising his rivals of the death of local citizens. So he invented the automatic exchange.

Handley_Page said:

If the people have no bread, let them eat cake. - (attributed to) Marie Antoinette

Click to expand...

Sorry to be serious, but this was around at least 30 years before Marie Antoinette was born. Stephen fry on QI

One for the ladies

Comparing Men to Dogs

How Dogs and Men Are the Same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning

3. Both mark their territory

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches

7. Neither does any dishes

8. Both fart shamelessly

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut

10. Both like dominance games

11. Both are suspicious of the postman

12. Neither understands what you see in cats


How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous<

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog

8. Dogs are easy to buy for

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."