Scrivener_
Really Really Experienced
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Good for you. Now please take your comments elsewhere, thanks.
Rape culture in BDSM
- Thread starter Scrivener_
- Start date
MeekMe
Literotica Guru
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You clearly haven't read the thread and your comments are wildly inappropriate.
IrisAlthea
Literotica Guru
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I think Netzach has the right idea about how to handle this in her first post to this thread.
I was wondering about what you wrote earlier about being able to walk away when it happens IRL but not online. I don't think I understand what you mean.
Why is it more difficult online?
besty95
Really Experienced
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Hey the topic is rape right! And I apologize if my comments sounded racist or something coz that's clearly not what I intended..in reality there's nothing more I would like than having a big black cock inside of me
Scrivener_
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I'm the OP and I'm asking you politely to leave. The topic is not rape, the topic is what's wrong with rape. Please take your comments elsewhere.
IrisAlthea
Literotica Guru
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The ignore feature on this site can be very helpful.
Scrivener_
Really Really Experienced
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Ah thanks! I've never had to use it before in a thread setting. In answer to your question: In real life, it's often easier to just physically walk away and leave the person/scenario behind, but online, there are a million ways to figure out your information and follow a person around if you want to be obnoxious.
Scrivener_
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Thank you again! I did not know that.
rinka
skinnydipper
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Yes.
I have had to work a lot on my no. Still a work in progress.
Especially when I was younger I repeatedly found myself in bizarre situations - some sexual, some not - and wondering why I didn't just stop them. Most times I would have been curious and amused to begin with and not really noticed when it crossed over to something I was uncomfortable with. Not wanting to make a big deal I kept smiling when I said no. (Or pretended to sleep while some guy I wasn't really into was dry-humping me from behind...)
I have learned to say "No, I don't want to." I still don't always find it soon enough though. But much sooner.
LallyH
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I was reading this thread from the beginning and whilst I have nothing helpful to add, I gave you a round of applause for this comment
It seems that you have learnt the art of a good put down!
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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I don't think I have ever read a thread quite like this one in the forum! 
So, okay, some two cents from me and a disclaimer; All of the following is predicated on an assumption of good will, of best case scenarios. There is a word of difference between good intentions causing an excess of enthusiasm, and malicious manipulation not to mention premeditated coercion. And that guy in that car was a total bag of douchewater.
Miss Manners talks about declining invitations and such. She says "you say "no thank you, I can't possibly."
And when the person insists, because people do, you repeat "thanks so much for the invitation but I have to decline."
And you can go on declining, in various combinations of the words until the cows come home, or this person's obliviousness reveals itself to be beyond help.
Miss Manners, in other words, agrees that No means No, but she also understands that, people being what they are, sometimes you have to repeat the No.
Speaking as someone who learned social niceties late in life, and who tends to be focused on making you feel good-- If I hear "phone calls make me nervous" and I want the phone call? Yeah, I might misinterpret that, and say "aw, don't be nervous!" I DO know about social anxieties, PTSD, but it might not occur to me in that moment that you were dealing with them.
I don't deserve to be taken into your confidence. You have no duty to me, to relive your trauma for my edification. But I would HOPE that you would say; "No it's just not going to happen, so shut up about it," so that I can have a chance to figure it out and apologise for being an asshole, which sometimes takes a little while for me to get to.
.. all of which is much easier to say than do, for sure! I'm not especially great at it either when I'm faced with the same situation...
So, okay, some two cents from me and a disclaimer; All of the following is predicated on an assumption of good will, of best case scenarios. There is a word of difference between good intentions causing an excess of enthusiasm, and malicious manipulation not to mention premeditated coercion. And that guy in that car was a total bag of douchewater.
Miss Manners talks about declining invitations and such. She says "you say "no thank you, I can't possibly."
And when the person insists, because people do, you repeat "thanks so much for the invitation but I have to decline."
And you can go on declining, in various combinations of the words until the cows come home, or this person's obliviousness reveals itself to be beyond help.
Miss Manners, in other words, agrees that No means No, but she also understands that, people being what they are, sometimes you have to repeat the No.
Speaking as someone who learned social niceties late in life, and who tends to be focused on making you feel good-- If I hear "phone calls make me nervous" and I want the phone call? Yeah, I might misinterpret that, and say "aw, don't be nervous!" I DO know about social anxieties, PTSD, but it might not occur to me in that moment that you were dealing with them.
I don't deserve to be taken into your confidence. You have no duty to me, to relive your trauma for my edification. But I would HOPE that you would say; "No it's just not going to happen, so shut up about it," so that I can have a chance to figure it out and apologise for being an asshole, which sometimes takes a little while for me to get to.
.. all of which is much easier to say than do, for sure! I'm not especially great at it either when I'm faced with the same situation...
Etoile
Mod, 2003-2015
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Indeed, it is what the Forum Rules recommend for handling people you don't want to deal with.
Bramblethorn
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Yeah, this applies to me too. I will always respect a "no, I don't wanna do that" but if I hear "X makes me nervous" it's hard for me to gauge whether that's a "so reassure me" or "so don't ask".
shades of gray (but not 50...blechh xD)
My "no" sometimes means "push me." My "no" sometimes means "absolutely not."
I try to be clear as to which one I'm giving, but I know it's not always clear.
Personally, I enjoy the process of figuring those things out with someone (whether I'm the one saying "no," or they are). For that reason, I have a lot of patience with situations like...someone pushing when I was actually trying to say "absolutely not." I try to assume they're proceeding with good intentions and that we need to work on our communication more.
This often works out well, but sometimes leads to unfortunate experiences where I cut too much slack for someone who is in fact a jackass and doesn't deserve it.
I think, as someone already said, that some people push because they don't care about whether you're expressing a true boundary; other people push because they know a lot of people play coy and want to be pushed sometimes, and they're reading you that way in that moment.
If I'm not being pushed toward--and sometimes beyond--my boundaries, I'm not really getting what I want. (That's me, personally.)
Anyway, the assholes deserve to be blocked, obviously. The others are decent but maybe not what you're looking for, if you're not looking for that kind of pushing. In either case, I think it's entirely legit to decide you don't want to continue dealing with the situation at all, if it's causing you pain.
My "no" sometimes means "push me." My "no" sometimes means "absolutely not."
I try to be clear as to which one I'm giving, but I know it's not always clear.
Personally, I enjoy the process of figuring those things out with someone (whether I'm the one saying "no," or they are). For that reason, I have a lot of patience with situations like...someone pushing when I was actually trying to say "absolutely not." I try to assume they're proceeding with good intentions and that we need to work on our communication more.
This often works out well, but sometimes leads to unfortunate experiences where I cut too much slack for someone who is in fact a jackass and doesn't deserve it.
I think, as someone already said, that some people push because they don't care about whether you're expressing a true boundary; other people push because they know a lot of people play coy and want to be pushed sometimes, and they're reading you that way in that moment.
If I'm not being pushed toward--and sometimes beyond--my boundaries, I'm not really getting what I want. (That's me, personally.)
Anyway, the assholes deserve to be blocked, obviously. The others are decent but maybe not what you're looking for, if you're not looking for that kind of pushing. In either case, I think it's entirely legit to decide you don't want to continue dealing with the situation at all, if it's causing you pain.
MissShelly
Experienced
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Boundaries need to be clearly discussed. And if your partner cannot accept that, then move on. You need to tell your partner (up front and before you play), that no means no. That it actually IS your safe word.
BiBunny
Moon Queen & Wanderer
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I agree with most everyone here, particularly Netz and Stella.
But I would like to add that, if you know that you're a person who struggles with setting boundaries--and this is not necessarily directed at the OP, just at people in general--it does help if you do your best to avoid situations where your boundaries are going to be pushed in the first place, or else have a plan in place in your head to deal with things before they ever come up.
I don't mean that you have to hide in a cave and eschew human interaction forever. Just realize that, for example, most men on dating sites are disgusting and feel like they can act however they want toward others because there are mostly no consequences for their actions. If that's something you don't want to deal with regularly, just don't go to those sites.
No, the impetus really shouldn't be on (general) you to keep this from happening, but unfortunately what's right and what's reality tend to be two totally different things.
Also? Protip: If you can't manage a firm "no," just lie your ass off.
"I want to call you."
"Sorry, my sound card/mic/both doesn't work. Guess we'll just have to IM."
or
"Hey, I want to come over."
"I'm not at home." or "My mom/best friend/neighbor just called, and they need me to come over."
And so forth.
You don't owe some random dude--and it is almost always dudes who act this way--shit. People you're not in some sort of relationship with, be it professional, platonic, romantic, or whatever, are not automatically entitled to the truth from you.
I say all this as a person who used to have this problem, by the way. I don't mean anything in this post in a judgmental way, and if it comes across that way, I'm very sorry. Also, the stuff I said mostly just applies to random people and/or casual acquaintances. You have to play your cards differently in established relationships, of course.
But I would like to add that, if you know that you're a person who struggles with setting boundaries--and this is not necessarily directed at the OP, just at people in general--it does help if you do your best to avoid situations where your boundaries are going to be pushed in the first place, or else have a plan in place in your head to deal with things before they ever come up.
I don't mean that you have to hide in a cave and eschew human interaction forever. Just realize that, for example, most men on dating sites are disgusting and feel like they can act however they want toward others because there are mostly no consequences for their actions. If that's something you don't want to deal with regularly, just don't go to those sites.
No, the impetus really shouldn't be on (general) you to keep this from happening, but unfortunately what's right and what's reality tend to be two totally different things.
Also? Protip: If you can't manage a firm "no," just lie your ass off.
"I want to call you."
"Sorry, my sound card/mic/both doesn't work. Guess we'll just have to IM."
or
"Hey, I want to come over."
"I'm not at home." or "My mom/best friend/neighbor just called, and they need me to come over."
And so forth.
You don't owe some random dude--and it is almost always dudes who act this way--shit. People you're not in some sort of relationship with, be it professional, platonic, romantic, or whatever, are not automatically entitled to the truth from you.
I say all this as a person who used to have this problem, by the way. I don't mean anything in this post in a judgmental way, and if it comes across that way, I'm very sorry. Also, the stuff I said mostly just applies to random people and/or casual acquaintances. You have to play your cards differently in established relationships, of course.
